Confession: Can't be arsed Thursday

Confession time. I'm having one of those "I'm self employed, I can sit here, do nothing and wear my PJs all day if I want" days...

Yup, my day has gone something like this (feel free to skip this part, it's so mundane, reading it may very well put YOU to sleep too!!):

• Sleep in, get up, breakfast, think about my To Do list.
• Check emails, reply to emails, check Facebook, reply to copious amounts of posts on Facebook.
• Check and reply to fan mail (bahaha, kidding .... sort of?!).
• Shower, get back into PJs, contemplate doing something with my wet hair and face, possibly even get dressed....
• Think about lunch.
• Do some client work [insert shocked face here - I know, I don't know what came over me?!  .. maybe it was the empty bank balance talking...]
• Inspire myself so much by doing that one little job, I follow it up with another!
• Check them both off the To Do list.
• Make lunch, eat lunch.
• Sit here scratching my head, try and fend off boredom.
• Eat an unnecessary early afternoon snack, or two, due to boredom.
• Feel the dreaded 4.30pm slump come on, and ohhhhhh yup, I've hit "can't be arsed" mode.  Might as well just give up the day as done now....

Awesome.  I WISH I was kidding....!!!


SO, sitting here having one hell of an internal monologue battle, that feels like it's been raging for centuries, I'm forced to contemplate my day's training....  

"It's 4.30 Amy, it's time to hit the cross trainer - you've done NOTHING all day!  Can't, legs too sore from double-whammy session yesterday.  Yes you can - go for a walk instead?!  Can't, too rainy and dreary outside and I don't want to get dressed.  Whatever, get up off your arse and just do it!  Don't want to... too tired and stiff, I'll go hard tomorrow - just want to sit on my bum, watch something worthless on TV and do nothing - after all, I have done TWO tiny jobs today!  FINE. Sit on your bum and watch a DVD, but guess what - you'll be dragging that bike into your loungeroom first...  and that's where you'll be sitting - mandatory!"  

Far out, I hate that "Dictator Amy" inside my head - can't she give a girl a break?!   Must she insist on being so freaking dedicated?!!    NOTE: Training these days is "non-negotiable" - so really, I don't know why I bothered fighting against it...?!

My faithful stead!
... and no, I don't really have four feet...  o.O

So after dragging the bike inside (leaving a trail of dead leaves and dirt behind me), wipe off the hoard of cobwebs and dust (haven't used this baby in a while)...  I now have to vacuum my house too!

And if that wasn't punishment enough, I find out my electronics on the bike are now dead, and I can't read how many kilometres I'm doing anymore!  (*sob insanely - I'm a fiend for that info!  Can't train properly without numbers!!).

STIFF!  An hour on the bike it is - cals burnt is what counts!

Ok, ok...  Ride away! .........

So two episodes of my Charmed DVD later, some seriously stiff thighs (they hate me right now - I interval between the top two settings), and 1285 cals burnt in the process, I'm now contemplating dinner.... mmm dinner... ! 

SO, this is what happens when Amy entertains the thought of being an uber-sloth all afternoon - there will be sweat and hell to pay - self-inflicted punishment for being lazy!  ... and come to think about it, you gotta love a girl with a fiesty attitude (even if it does come from an insane internal monologue!)  She's just keeping me in check after all, and now that my training's done, I really CAN go be slothful!

...  and here endeth the lesson on laziness for the day! 

[PS: bike is staying in the middle of the loungeroom until further notice - to remind me of my obligations unto myself. Let this be a lesson to all of you!!!]

xx  :)

Operation G-Y-M: I'm so PUMPED!

Hahaha... now seriously, am I having a
Flashdance moment here or what?!!

Well I did it - and now I'm TOTALLY PUMPED!!  
Operation G-Y-M is now in full swing - and my first class today was PUMP!  I was pretty nervous walking in there - I mean, really, I've only ventured into the gym TWICE in my entire life prior to this, and neither times did I actually do anything sweaty?!  So walking in today was a bit of a butterflies-in-tummy moment AGAIN, but without doubt, knew I'd be in there regardless of whether I liked it or not!

Went up to the teacher and introduced myself, said I had bad knees (so she gave me alternatives where necessary) and she helped me grab the appropriate gear, and "take my position in the class".

Now, confession:  I chose today's 1pm class as I figured it'd be less crowded, less likely to be full of scary, buff, athletic, super-intimidating types, and would let me ease into this whole thing with a little less fear...   SCORE!!!   My class consisted of a few  'yummy mummies' taking five from their kids, a couple of "lunchtimers" (skinny minis who looked like they needed a decent feed during their lunch break instead of a workout!!).... and some SERIOUSLY buff older folks!   ... and honestly, I mean SERIOUSLY!   [Was thinking to myself "far out, I hope I'm THAT buff when I'm their age! ... assuming I make it through this class first?!"]    

Ahem, moving on...!

SO, what is BodyPump?!  Well, according to my class timetable descriptions (hahaha the source of all of my knowledge right now): A non-impact, weights to music class, which is designed to give your body a complete workout. Great music and your choice of weight will inspire you to get the results you came for. Les Mills program, level 2 (low impact, moderate to high intensity).

OK.

20 kilos?!  - I WISH!!!

My teacher geared me up with a barbell and two 2.5kgs weights (one on either end) and an aerobic step, and I was good to go!!

And go I did!!!

Now, I've always been a fan of free weights - but never really known what to do with them.  They get incorporated into my routines "when I feel like a bit of burn" - but for lack of understanding and education, they're just something I tack onto the end of a routine, to help with the arm flabbage...    THIS WAS A WHOLE NEW EXPERIENCE IN WEIGHTS!!!

And I LOVED IT!   Granted, I was only lifting 5kgs - but it's enough that I can feel it in my shoulders and arms already, my legs and my core.  Next time, I plan on going two kilos up - because I KNOW I can go harder (given how little resistance I was "suffering" today) - but that's my benchmark and up I go!   One of the lovely ladies in the class with me (who was helping me out the way through - bless her!) said that I was doing "really great for a beginner!  some people can barely lift the 1kgs!"  - SO I'm pretty happy for my first class!

NOW!  Given my Wednesdays are committed to my Zumba class - I'm hitting a double-whammy tonight!   First time I've ever done two sessions in one day - but I'm committed to hitting that hall with all the other awesome shimmy and shakers!!!   All going well (and depending how I pull up tomorrow?!) this will become a regular, and I'm actually REALLY looking forward to the challenge!!

Can't wait for next week's pump class now, and I'm sitting here working on my diary (as part of the pre-season 12WBT "organise and diarise" challenge) and nutting up just what I'll be doing when, how and with who for the upcoming few months!   I can't wait to see what's coming up by the end of it!

Now, I urge you all to go out and get pumping - SO much fun!!!  

xx

Love thy self

Well after yesterday's tears and pity-party 'Unhappy V-Day' post; the fact that I hate ending on a sad note; and the most beautiful comments and emails later...   I've taken it all into my own hands and decided to celebrate on MY terms!

Went and bought myself a couple of little presents today - a bunch of flowers (a necessity... a $5 necessity, haha) to brighten up my house (and my spirits) and two brand new friends for the kitchen!  

Mmmm.... tastes like green!

  
Meet Basil and Minty!  My two new [very tasteful] friends for the kitchen!  We shall embark on a tirade of mysterious crusades of culinary magnificence...

Err...   or something like that?!

I'm not much of a cook, but decided in my great wisdom today - whilst out buying myself fresh flowers and lots of fresh, healthy foods for this week [... because this IS loving yourself... the right way] - that it was time to change it up again, and try something new!  I'm now the proud new owner of two little pots of awesomeness!!  

Minty fresh goodness!

No idea what to do with them yet, but needless to say, they look, taste and smell divine - so can't wait to test them out in some marvelous dish I'm yet to create!!!

SO...  just how many dishes can Amy add mint to?!   (I reckon Jamie Oliver would be really proud of me right now...  either that, or he's having conniptions on his kitchen floor...... hmmm..... I never did promise I was a good cook?!!)


I was VERY humbled by all the beautiful messages I received after yesterday's post - and it had me thinking (and clearly, ACTING too)....   It IS about time I woke up to myself and realised I'm worthy of being loved - not enough to just 'talk the talk' anymore (which is easier to do than the action!).   It goes against ALL my hard work and success so far, to turn around and question my worth like I do - and I'm in no position these days to blame a "questionable outlook on myself" anymore, because I'm no longer the person I used to be...  excuse gone!

Nope - it's time to LOVE THY SELF - and reap the benefits!

SO with that in mind, Valentine's Day is back on!!    HAPPY Valentine's Day to all the most gorgeous hearts out there - I'm SO very fortunate to know quite a few!   You brighten my day, you help me shine, and most importantly, you push me to believe....

Thank you for being you - you're all freaking AWESOME and I'm so very grateful for having you in my life!

xxx   :)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WORKOUT REVIEW:

Busted bum with a new workout DVD this arvy - feeling rather sore and sweaty now (still) which is always a good sign!   Thought I'd share my experience with you guys - for anyone else who wants to give something new a try in the comfort of their own home!

Jillian Michaels' BANISH FAT BOOST METABOLISM - a little DVD that I picked up for a whole $13 at Big W!!   Now, I'm a big Jillian fan, but I've always been a little scared to try her workouts (she really does push.) Irrespective of the fact I have other DVDs in the cupboard from previous purchases (still in their wrappers!!), I bought this one the other week, and thought I'd put this one in this arvy and give it a little test drive...

Holy hell...

Workout consisted of a warm up, then 40 minutes of 'circuits'  (and they make you burn - everything from leg kicks to jumping squats to burpees [I freaking did burpees on my loungeroom floor!!! OUCH!] right through to oblique crunches) and then a nice little cool down at the end.

Not for the faint hearted, let me tell you!  That's 50 minutes of some high energy cardio right there - and I'm SO sore!  I've found muscles in there that I clearly haven't been working alot lately - and managed to burn 1100 cals during the session (did I mention I had sweat pouring from my face at one point... no?!  Niagara Falls has got nothing on me, haha!).

No equipment necessary (other than a padded floor mat, or a couple towels)  - but there's floor work, and you end up on your knees at various points...  which for me, is a huge NO-NO (I have very bad knees) - BUT I've managed to still pull through ok, so maybe not so bad after all?!

I LOVE her attitude - it's infectious!  She's a strong willed, little powerhouse - and you really want to keep up with her the whole way through.  .... not that I could mind you!!!  Had to keep stopping to catch my breath - and given my level of fitness these days, it's AWESOME to find something new to challenge myself!  Definitely be coming back to this one every now and then...  when I need a bit of a kick in the pants!!

Now go, GET MOVING!

Unhappy Valentine's Day

It's that time of year again. Rolls around quicker every year. Equally as bad as Christmas if you ask me, on your doorstep just after you've only just put that wretched tree back in the box!! 

Before you know it, there's love hearts and 'I love you' cards everywhere - TV ads, spam emails on 'how to romance your lover', and endless chatter about the romantic things people want to go off and do to celebrate V-Day this year all over facebook and forums...

... and I can't handle any of it. 

Not another year, please.   Can't I just bury my head in the sand for a few days, and let it all go away...?!

Ironically, I don't even care about red roses, heart-shaped chocolates or teddy bears - I could go and pick those up at Coles any day of the week if I wanted them...  No, it's the gestures, the feelings, the emotions, the heart behind them that I'm lacking - not the commercial crap!

Unfortunately, this barrage of 'reminders' of something I don't have in my life just hits in a really saturated way, this one time of year - and right on cue, the onslaught of emotions and hurts has sprung right to the surface because of it.  Oh yeah, bring on another day of feeling worthless, unnecessary, unwanted and ofcourse, unloved - just because of a commercialised holiday...  great.  Just awesome.

It was one little comment on Friday that has been rumbling through my head since, that started the decline....  being asked if I had a "significant other" - ofcourse, I had to say no (it's the truth after all).   I always follow it with a laugh and a joking "oh, but I have my cat!" - which doesn't actually dull the hurt that goes with it, but hopefully hides it from being written all over my face...  (*maybe if I laugh first, I'm less likely to cry?!*)  The follow-up question is always a stinger though:  ".... but why not?!".  

I really have no clue why not...

I've always put it down to my size - when you're as big as I was, then ofcourse you're "unacceptable"....  after all, that's how I've always been treated and grew up believing.   BUT frankly, it isn't always the correct answer when you realise just how many larger people out there these days DO have a significant other...  

But then, if not because of my size, then it must be ME whose not wanted... ?  Particularly now that I'm not the size I used to be...  There's something wrong with ME...??

I honestly thought that if I dropped the weight, that somehow all of 'this stuff' would just happen - that it would magically just turn normal ("just like everyone else"), and I wouldn't feel like the freak of nature anymore?!   .... but I'm so wrong...  and I'm gutted.

I would desperately love to say that I believe in the whole theory that there's "someone out there for everyone"  - but I'm plagued by so much doubt, I really don't know anymore...  I watch other people (always watching...) who just seem to 'connect' with someone - it just happens, like it's natural and supposed to happen... and even if it all goes sour, it doesn't seem to take them long to find someone new?!   OR there's those that have this intense doubt themselves, but their other half STILL breaks through, and fights against their fears, and they still manage to connect?!    I'm so envious of that.... 

It's embarrassing being 31 and still single, and not having the history that everyone in this age bracket seems to have.  It sucks when someone comments 'But aren't you worried?!'  (and yes, I've copped that too).  It stings like a bitch on special occasions when you're invited to go to something with a partner, who doesn't exist, so you just don't...   It sucks having to be "happy" for friends and their partners with their special news, announcements, weddings, births, travel, houses, life (anything really!) when you don't even see any of that in your own future...    It just hurts... every. single. day.

Normal "small doses" of all that I've learnt to deal with...  but this time of year, good old V-Day just rubs it in even harder, with a freaking steel-capped boot, just for good measure.

Talking through this with a gorgeous online friend today, made me realise that it's still one of the most extreme hurts that I have (albeit in secret) - and as upsetting as it is and embarassing to admit to - it's extremely significant.  She suggested I blog about it - and whilst I'm not so comfortable making this one public - it's one of the biggest pressing factors in why I instigated changing my life in the first place.   .. and why I need to keep going.

Have always believed I was destined to be alone.   I call this "my punishment" for giving up on my life years ago - and I wonder if this is what I now have to wear.   ... but I really hope not... I really don't want to be alone anymore.

I WANT to have a life, a future, a 'significant other' who thinks the world of me, who doesn't mind me gushing over them with all the unrestrained joy of having them there to do that!   I want someone to share my achievements and success with - that's what hurts the most now - for everything that's changed and all the good things that I've created through that change.... I desperately wish there was someone here to share that with, it would just make it even more amazing....  

SO, I'll go and cry over some commercialised junk for a little while again...  it's tradition after all!   ... but then I'll suck it up and get on with it tomorrow.  On V-Day, I'll put on the brave smile that I always put on...  but instead of throwing myself a pity-party this year, I'm going to celebrate the pain instead.   I WANT a future with someone in it...  that's a huge step forward for a girl like me!  ...the pain in my heart just proves it.   Hurts yes, but makes it real.

... and I will try and 'believe' that there's someone really special out there for me too (as much as I doubt it, my friends are right - you have to believe first before it'll come true...). 

And the big one - I must learn to love myself before I expect someone else to love me...  This may be the hardest challenge of all...  and probably the biggest barrier of everything I've had to face.  I don't have an answer or strategy for this one yet...

If I can do that, then maybe next year, or the year after that...  one day...  I'll get to celebrate my 'significant other' on Valentine's Day too....


________________

** Not written for attention or sympathy...  just insight into the other side of my life.  Not everything is super 'happy' and celebratory for me - there's alot of hurts and emotions that go with the territory.  It's days and feelings like this that actually make the goals and wins even more significant and heartfelt.  It's all inter-related in the end. 

:)

Operation Get-You-Moving

"Amy, have you met Gym?!"   ....ahhhh yes - Operation Get-You-Moving has officially begun! 

When I booked in for my first ever PT session last week, I had NO idea what to expect...  and walking in there at 4pm today, I was still none the wiser!  All geared up and nervous as hell (I was pretty sure he was going to leave me unable to walk ever again...hahaha), I made my way to the gym.  To say I was a little anxious would be an understatement - the two hours prior, I was a bundle of nerves!!!

To paraphrase Tiffany (the new trainer) from Biggest Loser, my mantra walking into the gym was "I AM A WARRIOR!" - I just love that SO much!   Just wish my shakey legs would have caught on a little sooner, as I stumbled up the back steps...   please tell me noone saw that?!  o.O

So I rock up, and off my PT and I trot into the consultation room.... and for an hour, I get grilled, briefed, educated, planned and praised...   but...  hang on...  where's the workout?!!  

OPERATION G-Y-M - Phase One: Strategy!

Ohhhhh..... I seeeeeee!   (a little slow on the uptake, me!)

SO, as it turns out, my introduction to the Gym was pretty cruisey!!   The only sweating I did for the hour long session was in the form of nervous, sweaty palms!!!   BUT I walked out with a wealth of information, a new plan, understanding what the classes meant and how I can make them work in my favour and goals, and even more focus than before!

AND - to cap it all off - was told I'm training at an athlete level already! BIG PRAISE for a girl like me!   (I'm pretty sure the smile on my face said everything to my PT at that point - I was just SO chuffed!   ME - an athlete?!!!!).

SO for the next six weeks, I now have one Pump class to add to my (already hectic) weekly schedule!  After that, we knock it up a notch and I throw in some new methods to see even more results!   I think this is just awesome - will work in really well with the timing of my 12WBT challenge - and I really can't wait to see what I can produce after an intense few months!!

Now, the only question that remains is what day do I want to do my Pump class.... ?!!!  hmmm......  decisions, decisions!!!

She likes to Move It, Move It!

Can't stop dancing -
AMEN TO THAT!

It's no surprise that the more I've shrunk, the more my confidence has grown - and with that comes lots of new activities that I was never brave enough to do 'before'!

Being the music-lover that I am, it's no accident that I'd end up following wherever there were tunes!  It wasn't enough to be the world's most awesome loungeroom dancer anymore (although I'm happy to retain the title, haha!) - nope, it was time to let loose on the floor, and cut it with the best of them!

I LOVE going out to the Club now and getting my uber-sweat on with all the 20-somethings!  I'm the sober dancer who will go for HOURS, til my feet are swollen, my makeup is running down my face, my hair is plastered to my neck and it's well and truly past my bedtime!  This is all new territory for me, I might add - I'm reverting to the youth that I never was!!!

So it was only natural that this love-affair with music and dancing was going to send me in search of an exercise activity that didn't revolve around a dingy night Club....

Bring on ZUMBA!!!!

With so much talk and hype about Zumba in the media and on TV, I was definitely a victim of this latest fad! Curiosity had a hold of me and it would NOT let go!!

"Put your left foot in..."  hahaha..
Just kidding.. no hokey pokey!!

Given it wasn't that long ago that I was too ashamed to be seen walking in public, I was VERY aware of the insecurities I had about doing a public dance class.  To be honest, I was downright petrified.  I do NOT resemble the barely-clothed, 6-pack-abs, tanned, professional dancer Zumba models on the infomercials!!!  ... and let's not even talk about the wobbly bits and seriously un-co moves I've been hiding from the world!!   *Gulp*

BUT I'm no longer the girl I used to be either - hiding away behind closed doors, too scared to try something new...  NO! No more shame, guilt, fear or EXCUSES!   It was time to step up!

I threw the challenge out there to a couple of friends (safety in numbers?!) to come and try a Zumba class with me in November last year - and it was my sister and I that ventured to our first class together - equally as nervous as the other!   An hour later, you could NOT wipe the smile off our faces!  I was HOOKED, she's hooked, another friend of mine is hooked... and anyone else who gets caught on my Zumba-bandwagon is likely to get hooked too!  (*you've been warned.. haha)

... and freestyle!!

A class full of NORMAL women, with NORMAL bodies, in NORMAL clothes - there's nothing pretentious or intimidating about it!   Flailing arms, wobbly bums, uncoordinated moves - and that's just ME!!!!  .... how can you resist the beats, the energy, the FUN?! 

Given my challenge was to make it through one class a week for a month, and now it's a few months later and I have no intention of giving it up any time soon... I think it's pretty safe to assume that I'm now addicted?!  And hey, I'm quite proud to stand up and admit that! (it goes hand in hand with all my other awesome new healthy addictions I've created!).

My Zumba classes have been far more than just a one-hour dance session though - they've given me the confidence to seek out other group classes and not fear that I'll be the "odd one out" - which is both liberating and motivating for a girl like me.

Move it ladies!!

Every time I step out of my comfort zone and conquer another fear, it just reinforces just how amazing it is to have this control over your actions and your goals, and just how far I've come. This one class gave me the courage to walk into the gym last week (another of my long-term fears), looking for MORE group exercise classes - and no doubt you'll all have a full report as soon as that starts!!!

Oh, and these sassy Zumba moves are AWESOME on the dancefloor... definitely gives these youngins a run for their money, haha!  So don't be scared to get out there and MOVE IT, MOVE IT!   Find something you love this much, and there's nothing but butt-burning FUN to be had!!   

To find a class near you, visit: http://search.zumba.com/classes/international  - and go get your booty shaking on too!!

xx  :)

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

END NOTE:  When I asked our class instructor, Deb, if she'd allow me to take photos for my blog - she had two conditions!  
1. The class had to give me permission, be ok starring in my shots, and
2. I had to get up in front of the group and explain WHY I was doing the blog shots in the first place and what I've achieved so far!   A VERY humbling, very liberating exercise - and I'm very thankful for it!  

A huge THANK YOU to the Wednesday night "Shake Your Booty" Zumba class here in Bathurst for letting me take these photos!  You guys are the reason I'm so in love with the class and why I feel so comfortable there!!  ... and ofcourse, big praise to our awesome instructor Deb, who makes it such a joy to attend each week - irrespective of how much we complain, hahaha!

Here's to lots more fun in the future!!   :)

Commando says WHAT?!

Is this not THE COOLEST kudos for my achievements so far..?!  

It's not widely known that I've been a member of The Biggest Loser Club in the past three years.  In fact, it's one of my biggest best-kept secrets - up until now!!!

Being a member of The Club has definitely changed my life. I initially signed up for just a few weeks to see if it would help, and three years later, I'm really proud to be one of the longest serving members, and have the results to go with it!

Having no idea if the program would work at all (and actually believing I'd fail within the first week) - it surprises the hell out of me that I've been able to come this far - just eating and exercising!!!   That's what happens when you find a tool that works for you I guess?!   The online diary (and it's extensive database of foods), the basic menu (to help me re-learn how to eat) and ofcourse, the HUGE amount of awesome support, understanding and camaraderie in the forums (without them, I'd have been lost!) - it's the combination that helped me get the momentum I needed to make the first initial changes, and then ride each kilo after kilo out thereafter... 

The Biggest Loser Club recently launched their new Online Member Meetings - and as one segment of the program, Commando Steve gives a 'shout out' to acknowledge the awesomeness of a few of the BLC members each week.  Being given this acknowledgment in just its second week, from the team at BLC and, ofcourse, the hunky Commando himself, is extremely humbling - and a HUGE motivator to keep me going!   [... and I really can't wait for him to "celebrate me" again when I reach goal, hahahaha!]

Never thought in a million years I'd be referred to as a "Little Lady"  - that was just the icing on the cake, and I don't believe anyone would be able to wipe the smile off my face that I've been sporting since it aired on Monday!!!!

Thank you to BLC and all the incredible forum friends I've made through there - your support is invaluable and I would NOT have come this far without you!!   I have nothing but heartfelt gratitude for your generosity, enthusiasm and belief - I stopped feeling "alone" when I found understanding in other people's goals and hurts too - and THAT has always been the difference...

Thank you..  always!

xxxx

The light at the end of the tunnel just re-ignited the fire in my belly!

UNBELIEVABLE.  

That's pretty much all I can say at this point... my head is SWIMMING with everything that's happened today.  I've just knocked two of my greatest 'start' fears on the head, and I feel AMAZING!!!!

You'd think today was going to be just like any other day - it certainly started out that way - but I had a very special appointment set up for midday that I knew would either make or break me...

Driving over to Orange for my appointment, I was a bundle of nerves. My hands were shaking and my palms were sweaty, and I had butterflies doing barn-dances in my tummy!   I'd always imagined this day wouldn't come - it was "too far away" - a pipedream that seemed too unrealistic and unattainable.  So, driving over, my thoughts were pounding through the temples in my head about what this means and what my 'reality' would be thereafter... 

It was my first meeting with a Plastic Surgeon - all my goals and all my reality now hinged on the advice of someone who had the capacity to help re-shape the body that I've been working SO hard to change.   All my irrational fears had surfaced this morning -
- What if he knocked me back and said there was nothing he could do? (unlikely)  
- What if my new health fund wouldn't approve my surgery? (unlikely) 
- What if what I wanted to do wasn't achievable? (unlikely!!!)

My hour meeting with the Surgeon was an amazing eye opener!  He talked me through my options, strategies to help me achieve the results I wanted.  We talked body-lift and thighs, arms, neck and back..  all the areas that carry the residual effects of having lost so much weight - that simply don't "snap back into place" when they've been stretched the way they have been...   We talked about the preparation of it all, the psych of being prepared for the recovery, and we talked about what I wanted in the end.  He showed me examples of his work, on bodies that weren't unlike my own... and gave me hope!

... and gave me nothing but praise for what I've achieved so far using the methods I have, and a great big thumbs up for pushing for more!

The weightloss was never going to be "just enough" - I always knew it extended beyond just the numbers on the scales.  My body is in ruins... and irrespective of how far I've come, no amount of exercise can fix what I can't tolerate looking at - the constant reminder that I used to negate and torture my body in ways I don't want to HAVE to remember on a daily basis.   The skin and scar tissue just makes me feel like I've never done enough, and surgery just means I can FINISH what I started!

I now have OPTIONS.   I feel like there IS a light at the end of this horrendously long tunnel, and it feels AMAZING!!!  

I now have GOALS.  Another 20 kilos, and I'm good to go!!   .. and I have a year to do it in!  My newly enlisted health-fund waiting time frame is void at the beginning of next year, I can continue to save up funding to go towards the surgery in the year, and 12 months and 20 kilos I CAN do (or bloody die trying!!!).

... and I'm now FEARLESS on what all this means for my Mission. I know what to expect, I know what I need to do, I know what I want... and I KNOW it's all possible.

My hope has been reignited - the fire in my belly is raging red hot right now!


... and rage it did!   As soon as I came home from Orange - SO pumped with this goal in mind - I walked into my nearest gym.

A GYM!!!!

One of my BIGGEST FEARS in this whole wretched weightloss thing has been walking into a gym... and I did it.  I got paraded around the building, we talked classes and machines, pools and trainers...  I talked about my mission - and was given another massive kudos from these super-fit PTs for what I've done so far - and was told "we want you here!!!"

... and the cherry on top today...

I just phoned in and booked my first personal training session for next week!  UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

I may be 40% less the size I used to be, but I'm 150% MORE "ME" than I've ever been!!

I WILL DO THIS!   20 kilos...  bring it!!!

:D

The Rower... my old foe!

Don't ask me what initiated it....  I was happily sweating it up on the cross trainer tonight, when I just had this sudden urge to revist my old foe... the rowing machine!

Row, row, row....

It's been sitting in the corner of my patio area for a good couple of years - and had the dust, cobwebs and overall "disuse" written all over it!   I bought it a few years back, cheaply off eBay - thinking it'd be a great addition to my cardio workouts....

BUT because I was too big at the time, all it did was hurt my knees (terribly), was intensely uncomfortable and, quite frankly, my tummy was far too big and in the way for the actions to be beneficial.  It hurt, and it got shoved in the corner for it!!  ... and dubbed yet another 'waste of money'.

I didn't even include it in my Meet the Team spiel - it hasn't been a 'member' in years - but today, I had this crazy urge to drag it out, dust it off and try again!

.... and I did!   ... and I FIT, and it stung all the right places .... and it kicked my bum!!!!

15 mins cross trainer, 10 mins rower, 15 crossy and final 10 rower...   Over 1300cals burnt in the process, and can definitely feel it in the shoulder blades and back!

Happy to announce that the rower has been reintroduced into the Team!   haha!

Gotta love mixing it up!

:)