How do you stay motivated?

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me "Amy, how do you stay motivated?!" then I reckon I'd be lying on the floor whipping my arms around making 'money angels' in all my shiny gold coins right about now!!!    (sadly, I am not.. haha!)

It happened again today - right after I posted on Facebook about my SSS workout - my 1115cals burnt, 2.5hour sweat-session - that saw me haul some serious arse to beat the weekend challenge, and prove to myself that I'm still in this game.  ...And right there on the post was the conspicuous "Amy, how do you stay motivated" question that I see so often! It made me smile - it's something I've wanted to talk about for ages, and something I was flicking through in my head as my legs were ticking over on the tready today!

After the last few weeks (albeit months, if I'm truly honest) - the self-sabotage and hideous mental games that have fueled me with more self-doubt than I like to admit...  I knew damn well my "motivation" had literally flown right out the window. As usual.  Didn't feel I had the right to spiel about something this big...

Running on the tready at the gym this afternoon though, post-Pump class and feeling that freaking awesome burn that comes with pushing your limits (and proving your self-doubt wrong) - I KNEW right then and there that motivation really had nothing to do with this latest breakthrough...  and it was time to sort this out - both for my own benefit and all those that think I have a never-ending supply of 'motivation' at my disposal!!

Let me explain.

"At the beginning"... being nearly 200 kilos, I was plagued with doubt, fear, repulsion, hatred, severe self-loathing (I could go on, but I won't...) - I was trying to pull myself out of a hole I'd dug for myself, and I literally had NO belief that I was capable of succeeding.  Looking for 'motivators' was habitual - I'd scour the internet, magazines, watch TV shows, trying to find people in a similar scenario that could "show me" it was possible - because I didn't believe it was true. All the other attempts I'd failed, so how was this time going to be any different?! Things would start out great the first day or two then I'd lose the plot and be right back to where I started. Lost count of how many failed "diets" and ridiculous gimmick products I'd tried, and NOTHING worked to keep me moving forward...  My innate ability to believe in failure before I'd even had a chance to succeed was always my undoing. Things HAD to change...

Knowing full well I had well over half my weight to lose, it's all fine and dandy to say 'motivation' was what pulled me through for results... but motivation is fleeting - it's short term! It doesn't stick around, it only lasts until your first slip-up, a badly calculated move, an unexpected visitor or an unscheduled birthday cake hits the office...  It gets tossed to the back of your mind when you get stressed, there's 300 jobs on your to-do list due by the end of the week, there's issues with the family, it's raining outside, the cat just vomited on the carpet and you ran out of time to get to the supermarket...  Motivation = gone!

Hear it time and time again, people throwing the term "motivation" around like it's the ONLY way they'll ever succeed in their weightloss (or any goal for that matter)... but motivation isn't the sole driver creating champions!

It's funny, I'd fight ALL the time, "trying to get motivated" and get moving.  You know the mental fight.... You're sitting on the couch, takes all your energy to put your joggers on - all the while your brain is ticking over with the "you can just do twice the session tomorrow, or maybe if I just eat less tonight it won't matter so much" (knowing full well you'd stick to neither) - then by the time you're actually ready to hit the pavement or the gym, you feel like your head is about to cave in, you have the energy of a deflated balloon and any motivation you DID have is well and truly gone!  Bulk of the time you let it beat you, berate yourself and your so-called 'motivation' has let you down, again!

This is usually where people tell you to pull out the JFDI (just f-ing do it) card.... but again, that's fleeting too, and just like that limited motivation that's already eluded you, only serves to push you through that brief session too!  It's handy and DOES work as a tool, but not so reliable for the long-term either...


I don't discredit motivation at all - I think it has its purpose and reason, and plays a KEY part in anyone's attitude and drive towards success (on any level)... but again, is NOT the sole reason pushing someone forward.  And I'll reiterate - it's SHORT TERM.

SO this is the part you're not going to like...   Stop looking for your lost motivation, it's already moved on!  It was there for a bit, now it's gone!  It all comes back to YOU.

YOU have to be the reason. YOU have to be the instigator. YOU have to be the facilitator. It all comes down to YOU.


For me, trying to find someone as a "role model" if you will, that could 'motivate' me towards success was basically impossible.  Looking for inspiration and motivation elsewhere became redundant for a girl who had a hundred kilos to lose (there's not that many of us out there!!) - and still something I struggle with today when I come up against new obstacles I don't quite know how to contend with!  One foot in the front of the other, and a blind faith that I just have to keep moving through the issues, and hope like crazy I'm doing what I need to do.  I just have to DO...

That's NOT reliant on motivation. That's belief, faith, determination, habit, trust... (etc) - "intangible" things that you can't see or touch to prove the possibility.  THEY are what's stuck with me for over 3.5 years - holds my hand when I'm too scared to step out of my comfort zone, moves me faster when I just want to stop, calms my head when my world is spinning from all the changes, and comforts me when I just want to cry...   THEY are the reason I've lost half my bodyweight - they're the catalyst beneath all the good behaviours, the new learned habits, the proactive choices, the calculated risks and the plain, good old-fashioned, bloody hard work!

MOTIVATION - on the other hand - is an aspiration!  It's what I want, it's the goal, it's an end result that can be celebrated. Yes, it's a driving force, but it's NOT the heart and soul of the operation!  It's something that I haven't got yet - but I want - but it's too far ahead of me to be reliable. It helps put the fire in my belly - because I have somewhere that I want to be - but it comes and goes!! 

It took me a really long time to realise there was a significant difference between relying on something fleeting (motivation) or to acknowledge what really drives me forward.

I AM the reason, and therefore I produce the change.  I work at this every day.  I eat well, I exercise, I learn new habits (21 days to form a new healthy habit), I push myself when I need to, I make mistakes and I learn from them, I educate myself, I support others, I instigate more change...


This is NOW just what I do. No games, no gimmicks, no spiels or carry on. This is the new ME, and 'motivation' plays very little part in that.

Just like today, as I was running on the tready, I had this smile spread across my face when one of my favourite songs hit the Ipod...  I picked up speed and pushed my legs harder, and aimed for another five minutes...  just because I was so happy, in that moment, and I'd proactively CHOSEN to be there!

I USED to be the girl who couldn't even walk a few steps down the block, and it fills me with this overwhelming happiness and the most beautiful feeling of self-belief and worth, knowing full well that what I've done isn't fleeting...   I beat the "I've lost my motivation" cycle - regularly!!   It comes and goes (as it always has) - but it's so unreliable, I have to believe in ME now.  I AM the reason - and I'll do what I have to do! ... I simply won't settle for less.

There's always going to be obstacles and challenges - THAT is what makes this all the more worthwhile!  If it came easy, there'd be no value to the work. Success comes to those who put one foot in front of the other and BE who they need to be in order to achieve.

Champions create their own motivation - they don't wait for it to show up randomly and hope it sticks around long enough to make a few lasting changes, or expect someone or something else to drive it. Champions make it happen!

I'll say it again.. Motivation is fleeting - it's SHORT TERM!  It has its place, but it's a "friend" who'll visit you sporadically, hold your hand for a little while, then leave when it's time for YOU to step up and take control.  It's a BEAUTIFUL tool, but just know it's only there to give you that little push when you need it - not drag your butt right through!!

It pays to know the difference!!!    My 3.5 years and STILL working towards my goals tells me so!

So, next time someone says to me "Amy, how do you stay motivated?"... maybe I can say (without sounding like an over-inflated egomaniac!) it's because I aspire to be a true Champion. I'll just keep making it happen... because that's just what I DO!

* * * * *

 

THANK YOU!!!!   

You guys freaking ROCK - thank you for your support - SO humbled by it all. 

It's definitely helping me keep my momentum going!!! 

(... do I detect a slight bit of 'motivation' in there... hahaha!!)

So what if you're NOT an exercise machine...

Now, if you ARE an exercise machine, killing serious cals in your workouts, do about a gazillion gym sessions each week, running out your door and bragging about your multiple-workouts in a row - this one's NOT for you!  You're fine... you don't need me!

Nope, I'm talking to the person whose hiding out in their loungeroom with serious 'exercise envy' because they simply don't know where to start, or are talking themselves out of even trying because they "can't match it with the others".

... and I'll tell you why.

The last two weeks I've copped a serious dose of REALITY.  If you've been following my story the past few months, you'll know that my little world turned itself upside down with the introduction of the Commando Challenge.  EVERYTHING went into overdrive - eating, exercising, blogging, publicity...   turned into a bit of a "monster" on all fronts, so obsessed with that wretched goal that I feared eating, was working my body into the ground, and regretfully... I had a physical and emotional breakdown because of it.  I hit a brick wall with a whopping great thud because I turned my nose up at reality.

.... and it's taken its toll since.  Not only has my body battled pulling ANY numbers since, but I lost the plot - literally - and went into self-sabotage binge-mode eating, emotional breakdowns, enormous self-doubt, and I'm really loathe to say it, but the "black" started to seep back into my psyche.  Then the onslaught of Bathurst's fantastic winter weather hit, and my knees packed it in, mobility became an issue and the 'hibernation munchies' took over...

Tomorrow I lose my gym membership (which was sponsored for three-months for the course of the Challenge) and shattered at the prospect of losing that outlet, promised myself I'd take advantage of my final week.... and you know what, I haven't even walked in there once this week.  I'm just too gutted because I can't financially afford to pay to renew it.   Needless to say, some part of me threw my hands up in the air and said "why bother?!!!" - and I've been fighting it since, somewhat pathetically.


I've been sitting here this week working on strategies to get myself out of this horrible funk, self-analysing what's going on and why I'm so upset, and wondering "what the hell I did BEFORE all this stuff" - publicity, gym, competitiveness - when I used to do this in secret and without a gym - that was working so well, before I turned into the ignorant, arrogant, number-obsessed junkie that I've turned into!

I sit here and read other people 'bragging' about their results, successes, wins and big calorie-smashing exercise sessions, and the lump in my throat is enough to suffocate me.  I'm seriously shattered.  There WAS a time when it was ME sitting here doing the bragging (which in all fairness, before someone takes offense, it's NOT bragging really - it's often someone surprising themselves with something they never did before, so are so excited they just want to share with everyone else!  ... well, that was ME anyway... am sure there's others out there who ARE literally bragging!!!)...   I read this, I congratulate, I fly the happy flag for them...  but I'm hurting.  A lot.

The last few weeks I've been loathe to exercise at all - my mobility is very much hindered with my knees out of action, and it breaks my heart.  My eating-binges have me up and down a few kilos on the scales, and I feel bloated and icky because of it - and just want to hide away in a moo-moo cuz my self-perception is so distorted, I'm back to feeling the way I did three years ago at my heaviest!  I want to hide, I don't want people stopping to stare at my lumpy body, trying to move when I can't...   and I can't even begin to explain how disappointed and upsetting it is to see so few calories burnt when I DO exercise (distorted perception again, because my fitness became so strong, I have to keep working more and more to see the same levels of calories burnt = superior fitness. So going back to 'realistic' routines and smaller burns, I'm so distorted, that I'm severely disappointed..)

It was only a few weeks ago I was doing double classes a day at the gym, or a good solid 2+ hours nearly 6 days a week.  I was kicking BUTT - like a freaking "professional exerciser" - but let's face it, I was so wrapped up in that constant WIN, I was living off adrenalin and so brutally obsessed with my results, I was completely ignorant to the fact I was hurting myself (literally) - and stuffed my body entirely because of it.  I minced my knees, exhausted all the reserves, and my body started retaliating with weird side effects (ones I didn't tell anyone about when they were happening).   NOT realistic, NOT normal... ignorant, arrogant, brutal and quite frankly.... STUPID.

I lost the love of exercise - which broke my heart - because for a girl who could barely move 'before', it's that liberation that I'd fallen in love with... The more freedom I found, the more I loved it.   ... and now, I'm stuck in a zone where I degrade doing something simple (because it's "not enough"), I question why I bother if it's not big or brutal enough, fob-off the basics and opt for hiding instead, because my head-space is so out of whack!

My breakdown the other day was necessary - they always are - it's the trigger-point where I come to cross-roads about what I'm doing versus what I SHOULD be doing.   I sat here and cried, because I miss the girl who was happy to plod along with her weightloss - who rejoiced in losing half a kilo a week cuz she worked to pull that and it IS enough...  who rejoiced in going for a half-hour (!!) walk and didn't care so much that it wasn't burning "over a thousand calories", the girl who ate realistically and was humbled by finding new things about herself and her body all the time that she didn't know she could do...  who didn't feel compelled to hit goals (or hurt herself for them) for a 'deadline' or let someone else's expectations rule her actions! 

I miss her...   SHE was real. 


Yesterday I forced myself to walk to the post office, bank, shop and home.  It wasn't a big walk by any means - in fact, it was nothing in comparison to what I've been known to do...  but it was MY achievement.   My head was telling me to drive, "stay warm Amy, your knees are bad, don't do it... Don't want to be seen in my tracky pants strutting down the main street... You can just hide and do the cross trainer in the loungeroom (which I probably wouldn't have - even THAT strategy isn't necessarily working!)...  It'll take too long to walk there and back - you should be doing client work instead."    BULL.   It took about 40 mins, INCLUDING the stint in the shop... and it made me feel GOOD. 

Simple walk.  Didn't wear my heart rate monitor - because I didn't WANT to know...

SO WHAT if my heart rate didn't reach some ridiculous point that my temples wanted to explode... 
SO WHAT if it didn't even register a solid hour's walk
SO WHAT if someone sees you in tracky pants
SO WHAT .... ?!   What what what what?!!  

I came home really humbled, and really relieved.  I smiled as I unpacked my groceries and made my delicious lunch with the goodies I'd found marked down, that I'd have missed otherwise.  It empowered me enough to strap on my shoes last night and go to my Zumba class (the one I ADORE but have been avoiding too cuz "it doesnt burnt enough cals"... OMG I cry for that... ) and it gave me the spark today to go and have lunch with my friend and LEAVE MY FREAKING HOUSE and be social, when my head is in "hermit mode".

.... and just as we were sitting there having lunch outside today, the sunshine broke out from behind the dark clouds, and I said to Dan, "I'm going to go for a walk! I NEED to walk!"...

.... and I did!

Came home, geared up and walked out the door. I walked for 55 minutes - out to Kelso and back (roughly 5kms).  It was the track I was ECSTATIC to walk not that many months ago, when I'd built up enough stamina and endurance to handle such a long distance.  It was the one I'd fobbed off since, because "it wasn't enough!"  (ouch...)

As I was coming down the back straight on the way home, it hit me....   I was doing what I loved - I'd literally zoned out - had stopped telling myself this was wasting my time, wasn't good enough, my heart rate wasn't peaked enough, I wasn't working hard enough...  BULLSHIT.   My knees were handling it ok, I could feel it in my thighs, I wasn't huffing and puffing (fitness is awesome, but basic movement is bliss) and I felt GOOD.

SO WHAT if I'm not a freaking professional exerciser?!   I stopped loving it when I went obsessive...
SO WHAT if I can't do what I did just a couple of months ago?   That person killed her body because she turned ignorant and pushed herself into dangerous territory...
SO WHAT if I can't match numbers with people 20-30kgs lighter than me.  They weren't nearly 200kgs to start with, and learning how to walk again from scratch!

SO WHAT if you have to start again Amy.... 


I thought of YOU GUYS when I was walking today. The people who are stuck in their loungerooms, broken hearted, hurt, with serious 'exercise envy', wondering how the hell to get up and take that first step...    It wasn't that long ago that I was there with you.   I was the girl who could barely move, was so ashamed it took a good couple of years before I was brave enough to exercise in public...   I was the girl who cried the first time she went outside for a walk, from shame.... then cried the day she pushed a jog into the mix, from pure joy!

Sitting here writing this with tears streaming down my face (again!) - literally with my training gear still on, having walked back through the door and sat down to write this...  I needed to talk to you guys....

I was so relieved and happy to reconnect with the girl who loves to walk, not for anyone else, but because she CAN....   She and I have a lot of 're-bonding' to do again, she's the heart and soul of this whole operation, and she's a little bruised from the abuse she's copped the last couple of months... but  we're gonna be ok, she's pretty forgiving...   But she had a message for you...



I LOVE exercise because it empowers ME, it makes ME feel good. It humbles me because I gave myself a second chance to move, it recharges me and fills me with pride that I CHOSE to do this for the sole purpose of benefitting ME. It works hand in hand with my proactive lifestyle choices, healthy eating and working on the psyche...  everything works together when it's balanced, heartfelt and REAL.


SO WHAT if we're not all insane, maniac-style gym-junkies and professional sweaters?!!    It's not about them, it's about YOU.  Every choice makes a difference. Every step is worthwhile.


SO WHAT I'm doing now... is empowering YOU to get up and make that stand.  Next time you'd prefer to hide away, just don't.  Walk out that door with me in your head - just as I had you with me today.  You only need to take that first step...  the rest is just magic!

Be proud, and just get up and DO.  The smallest things can mean the most!

xx