Sweat, 'that dress' and Emazon

It's happening.  It's REALLY happening.  My head has just been BUZZING since the weekend - and nothing has been able to wipe the smile off my face!

This is really happening.


For over 12 months I've been working on "the skin issue".  Over 12 months of fighting against the pain when I ran; the feeling of 'grossness' and 'freakiness'; the sweat rashes; the downward spiral of my mental health just because I LOATHED the body that was "leftover" after all the weightloss.  So bitterly disappointed, given I was still "too big to be a role model" (words that still ring in my ears) - and still feeling like there was something wrong with me...

I've fought my way through this year's breakdown, the subsequent meltdowns, and came to the crashing realisation that I simply couldn't do this alone anymore.  ... and called in for reinforcements. A bold move on my part, given my lack of "being able to ask for help" in the past.  This was strategy - I simply couldn't fight this alone anymore.

So one by one, I aligned myself with professionals - CHAMPIONS - who could help me facilitate the changes in my body and mindset that would help me get further AWAY from the degrading self-hatred that was ruining me.

Four goes it took me to be brave enough to front the Surgeon for the second time (just as I mentioned in the previous post) - and four lots of tears before I walked in that door, he handed me the form, and the decision was made.

... but it still wasn't real.  It felt like an illusion - far away and far too "day-dreamy" to bring me what I needed.  It was an easy escape surely... ?!


So I embarked on the 12wbt - with no other goals than pure fitness-related (given my weight wouldn't budge)... and diligently followed the meal plan the first few weeks.  I was so excited with bringing structure back into play - but a few weeks in, the lack of results (no surprise there - body and I were at loggerheads) and my emotional imbalances took over again... and I fought with it the entire way through the rest of the program.

I felt like a deadset failure.  My weight fluctuated up and down, I'd cry myself to sleep every night, I'd fight with my body and the frustration.  Again, I called in reinforcements.


Working with my Kinesiologist - a gorgeous friend of mine - he deliberately started picking me to pieces.  My body was shot - my headspace was ruined.  They were feeding off each other - and I was getting further and further "toxic" in all aspects, because of it.  So he started working his magic...  Week after week, he'd pick the next ailment - he'd push my emotional barriers (and generally have me in tears!) - and if nothing else, I felt like I had a guiding hand and a friendly hug each week to help me on my way.  It was my godsend.

When the emotions simply wouldn't let up, and my sanity was starting to waver (even more than normal!) - the nightly tears, and losing it multiple times at work...   I was scared.   The fear of returning to a state of depression (like the one that stole a decade of my life) sent me straight to my Naturopath.  My next reinforcement strategy.  I was so relieved when she said I was in a state of anxiety - and as she said, she simply wasn't surprised, given everything that had happened and what I was about to face.  Armed with a bottle of natural pills, I walked out the door.... and the next day, felt the relief already!  I've been on the tablets ever since - and it's already helped ease my nightly-tears, helped calm my nerves, meant I could focus and make rational decisions again, and my eating has improved three-fold.  For the first time in a long time, I was starting to feel like MYSELF again.  These tablets I'll be on pre and post-surgery - to make sure I can stay calm and rational through all the changes that are about to happen.


After booking my surgery, I was determined to make sure my body was at its fitest - make sure I was super healthy before I cut myself to pieces.  I embarked on a self-imposed "50 days of Fitness" challenge - which ended exactly on the 12wbt Finale weekend!  I'll confess, that when I set that up for myself, I didn't actually assume I'd do it... least of all see much result out of it, given I was still doing "the same old, same old"....   boy was I wrong!!

I just went about my usual training - Pump and RPM as my base, a lap of Mount Panorama occasionally on weekends.  I really didn't think anything of it - until I started getting feisty and pushing for higher PBs!  The 16kgs weighted lap of Mt Panorana that I did a month ago is still fresh in my mind - it's one of my proudest HEAVY achievements and it surprised the hell out of me what my body was capable of doing (and OMG I'm still reminiscing about those DOMS the week following, haha!).  My other major achievement, the 30kgs squat track in my Pump class that I now do as my regular weight - I was SO excited about hitting this marker, that it gave me the confidence to step it up to the next notch...  signing up with a PT and hitting the weights room.

I hit my first full session with my new PT on Monday, and am still walking slightly funny... haha!  He keeps asking me how I am, and "at the time" I thought the session was easy - that I was "all good"... ummm.... !!!!!!    He's a huge part of my strategy now too - a couple of sessions pre-surgery (I have one left next week) - and then it's all POST-surgery toning and rehabilitation when I get out.  He will help me reshape the rest of my body - and keep me sane (ie: stop me trying to destroy myself when I can't see the results!) - and I can't wait!   He's a MACHINE - and I'm so excited to bring that into play! 

... and little did I realise - while I was just "going through the motions" with my training during this couple of months, thinking my body was doing nothing (cuz the scales sure as hell werent)...  my body was in a whole new phase of transitioning.  Whilst I'd focused purely on fitness and strength to be super healthy for my surgery - my body was morphing again... !  I was just too distracted to see it!

Reluctantly doing my weigh-in and measure-up at the end of the 12wbt, I was feeling really deflated about the whole thing.  Big failure...  I even waited until it was too late to make the numbers 'official' because I was already believing I'd done nothing.   Ohhhh how wrong I was!   6cms off my hips - THE only place on my body I rarely lose because of the skin... and five kilos off - I was pretty "ok" with that!!!     Hell, I was MORE than ok with that when I saw the photos... (but now I'm just getting ahead of myself.. haha!). 

When I hit Sydney for the 12wbt Finale last Saturday, I was SO enthusiastic for the group outdoor workout!  Armed in our "army greens"  (the 30+ers group uniform!) - I ran out there like a crazy person!  NOTHING seemed to phase me - strutting my stuff in costume (that's a first!) - meeting new people and not wanting to run away and hide (another first!) - and then absolutely BELTING OUT the outdoor circuit (equivalent of a full-on Body Attack class - the one that I NEVER do because it brutalises my knees and I'm too unfit!) - and yet I smashed that out like I had no issues at all!   I was SO hot and sweaty by the end of it all, but totally pumped and left with a giant sense of achievement in my puffed-out peacock-style chest!!

... but it didn't end there.


Glamming up that afternoon for the Finale Party... I didn't really have much "grand hope" on this one!  I'd taken my dress (last time I took three choices because I couldn't make a decision - this time it was just one - and I prayed I'd still fit into by that night!!) - and figured I'd just make a little effort to look nice.  Try and make myself feel better - after the months of thinking I looked like shit again... (!!!! I know... don't say a word...!)

Makeup, eyelashes, hair extensions in - I was just in "experimentation" mode more than anything - just wanted to FEEL good about myself - in amongst a sea of sexy weightloss goddesses... I didn't really think I'd feel that great at all... but I'd give it a go at least.  I'd already tried a few things on at home beforehand, just to make sure I'd have the confidence to do it on the night...  Figured if I chickened out, I'd just go back to basics.

Wiggling my way into my dress as my final thing to put on - I breathed a sigh of relief realising I still fit into the bloody thing (mind games... hate them!!) - then took myself to the mirror.

... and stopped dead in my tracks.

I didn't recognise her.  I did a double-take.  The person in front of the mirror, surely that wasn't me?!  I'm pretty sure I let out a few expletives in my head at this point - I know damn well there was a LOT of OMGs coming out of my mouth!!

My roommate was having her own moments like that - in her tiny brand new dress (she's lost over 40kgs herself, and had a successful 11kgs loss that round, even with an injury) - both of us stood there gaping at the mirror, and loved what we saw!!! 

Too excited to cry (haha, how's that for a first!!!) - we set off for the party!  Fast forward to entering the building, chasing glasses of champagne, nibblies and general mingling.... it was GAME ON for FUN!!!   Manda and I spent the entire night strutting our stuff, DANCING (dancing, dancing, dancing!) and having as much bloody fun as we could fit into a handful of hours!   We were there until the music stopped, and were the last ones in the photo booth before they shut the doors!   We staggered out the front door to the bus on our way back to the hostel, and were so merry (ahem, slightly bubble-induced giggly wobbly... err... !!!) - but we were just on top of the world!   Whilst the bubbles may have played a slight part in that - I do believe the emphasis is truly on the SLIGHT.   There was far more going on here than intoxication.. haha!

... and then there were the PHOTOS!!!   These have got to be some of my most favourite shots I've EVER had taken - I'm so proud of these!   Yes, my body has changed shape again (I have SHOULDER MUSCLES!!!) - and yep, that dress is super flattering and I'm loving the look... but more importantly - I'm HAPPY!!    My face says it all!

But it didn't end there...


Sunday morning, up bright and early (err... scratch the "bright" somewhat...)  - it was off to a special session with Emazon.  Now, I had NO idea what to expect from this - but I'd heard only good things about this powerhouse woman and her "ways" of transforming women's minds...

... and I knew I was in dire need of some help in that department.


I'd been offered a place at the session, and I simply couldn't say no. After the months of mental hell, and despite my strategic help from my CHAMPIONS - my mindset was still stuck in the 'shit zone'.  I knew it was time to try something radical.

I don't really know how to explain what happened during the session - or how to describe what this session actually IS.... but something shifted.  Something magic happened.  Something clicked - FINALLY.

Early on in the course, I was in tears - Emazon doesn't mince her words.  She speaks the truth.  She's a no-bullshit woman, and her philosophies are so acutely aligned with my own... it STUNG to hear those home truths come back into play.  Things I already knew - like the limitations of my "superficial thinking"... the struggle of overcoming the barriers holding me back.

Everyone takes something different out of her class - but my messages were as plain as day to me.  Every time something would come up, it's like a light would go off in my head.  Every. Freaking. Time.

1.  Numbers are NOT my friend - they will NOT make me happy.
2.  I am far more than just my weightloss - this simply does NOT define who I am.
3.  My 'superior self' does NOT tolerate being used.
4.  My 'Red Woman' will NOT tolerate degradation to meet other people's sub-standards or superficial conscripts.
5.  I AM a fighter - there's a strength in me that has guided me through hell, and has ALWAYS known what to do.
6.  The barriers and set-backs have been there FOR A REASON.  Every time I fuck it up, it sends me back to get it right...
8.  There is FREEDOM in honesty and integrity - and I embody both of these things already.
9.  My passion and purpose is already there - it's already shaping me.
10. Who I am, as I am, in this moment - is enough.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.

I have others - but I'm still brewing on the power of these as they are right now.  I can match past events and outcomes in my head to these statements - making them even more powerful and the understanding even deeper. I KNOW this was what I was meant to hear - and I know the timing was absolutely perfect.

Her class empowered me - it gave me an energy.  It was pure self-recognition of who I am and what I've done, and what I need to do next.

EVERYTHING that I have done in preparation for my surgery - EVERY strategy and stepping up to make this work FOR THE RIGHT REASONS was validated in this session.  Everything.

I walked out of that room about a metre taller, and weighing ten kilos less!  I felt like months of fear had just been lifted off my shoulders - the "what ifs" were gone.  (What if I still look like crap after surgery and still hate myself?  Why do I feel like a failure and cop out for the surgery?  What happens next when my weightloss is over and I'm not "anything" anymore?  Who AM I in all of this when I feel like absolutely noone?!)

I had three key words at the conclusion of our course that have stuck with me since...  Three of the most powerful words I've attributed to myself, possibly EVER?!


- Validation - everything is starting to make sense, it has reason and purpose - it's "meant to be". The good and the bad - everything!  The hurts and tears were valid - they were there to teach and guide me.  When I do things for the RIGHT REASON - when I align to my true beliefs - the hurts simply don't hurt anymore.

- Consolidation - everything feels like it's finally coming together, all the work and the strategic planning, even aligning myself with my Champions - it's all coming together now.  The fact I can now see WHY I have endured what I have makes this one even more powerful - and simply understanding that trusting myself (faith in that inner awesome driver) is paramount to my happiness....  now and in the future. 

- Humbled - there's a huge sense of relief within me right now.  There's a higher power driving this train, and she's freaking AWESOME.  She's known from day one what we needed to do - and just went about and did it.  She's guided me the ENTIRE way through - endured the heartache, the tears, the tantrums, the self-abuse both physical and emotional.  And she's fought for me, AND against the negative me - time and time again - she's never left me.  She's the fighter - and I'm so incredibly humbled to FINALLY realise she's right there within me.  She IS me.


SO, with less than two weeks left before I head into surgery - I feel like the neurosis and the hatred of the past 12 months is finally starting to subside.  Finally.  All that work has been for EVERYTHING!!

This is really REAL.  No more tears.  No more fear of the unknown.  I'm so incredibly proud of myself and SO happy right now.

Less than two weeks....    !!!!!!!!

Embarking on the next chapter

I've been sitting on a bit of a secret this past week... and I'm still reeling from what it is I've done!

Have spent the last few weeks in an on-and-off emotional state, trying to piece myself together, trying to figure out what to do next. SO emotional over everything, and not truly understanding why.

I decided I'd had enough of the games, and the anxiety of stepping on those scales after the hideous winter that saw more tears and tantrums than I saw triumphs.  I signed up and committed myself to the next round of the 12wbt (Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation).  I've tried the program before, but I guess I was never really ready for it or it conflicted with all the "white noise" going on in my life that was dragging my focus away (the last 18 months have been ridiculous!).

SO I decided to cut my losses, stop with the excuses and just focus on working on my FITNESS and my HEALTH (my two top priorities - the scales can go be damned!) - given my body won't cooperate to lose any more weight, and the scales only see me upset when they either go back up or haven't budged... again... the same freaking cycle that I've been battling for the last year.  Ugh.   (You wanna talk plateaus - try a freaking YEAR!).

Having put my foot down and giving myself the boot up the backside that I so desperately needed (note: you have to boot your OWN butt - I never expected anyone else to do that for me - it simply doesn't work) - my mindset shifted.   Felt like the old Amy coming back out to play - the Master of Ceremonies was about to unleash the beast!

I'd booked in a follow-up consult with my Surgeon many months ago - and put it off three times thinking I either didn't deserve it because I hadn't made my goal weight / was taking the "easy way out"  (ha! what part of slicing your body to pieces is "easy"?!!) and couldn't justify it for myself (that same old brain spiral that I don't deserve to be happy, sexy, yadda yadda yadda... here endeth that bullshit - I'll spare you from the monotony of my inner monologue - I'm well and truly over it!!).

Many tears and emotional kickbacks the last few weeks as that consult date approached (the same one I was about to reschedule for the fourth time!), and I asked for some guidance from my very close friends - who have been walking beside me on this crazy path for the last couple years... they know how much I struggle, and how emotionally invested and conflicted I am with the "aftermath" of my weightloss. Sometimes you just need a side of rationality, with a dose of sincerity, to help you understand why it is you're so frustrated and upset - and having a group of friends who help prop me up when I'm about ready to fall again... it helped me work through that blockage, and I re-committed to going for my consult.

Breathe. I was now committed to 12 weeks of "healthy" and now committed to seeing my Surgeon for the follow-up consult.

On top of this, I pulled in my stubborn-Taurean head and asked for help from a special friend. He's a Doctor - specialising in Kinesiology and Chiropractics - and as embarrassed as I've been the last few months about "feeling like a total failure" I just knew something was going on in my body that I couldn't understand.  I have literally FOUGHT the entire year trying to change the cycles and patterns of my body - the up and down scales, the hideous cravings, the mental breakdowns...  I simply knew I couldn't do this on my own anymore, because I can't freaking SEE what's happening on the inside.  So I FINALLY reached out for help.

I've been working with him the last couple of weeks from an "inside perspective" - he did his magic Kinesiology voodoo (haha!) on me and has already brought to the surface a WAD of issues that my body is contending with - all crazily intertwined and interlaced, that it just makes my head spin.  Literally.  The first consult we did a couple of weeks ago, he had me in tears!  He's working on my emotions aswell - given that my emotional imbalance is directly affecting my body's state of health (and vice versa) - and a few key questions had tears rolling down my cheeks.  I left there feeling like I FINALLY had hope - I wasn't going mental - there actually WAS something going wrong in my body...  I finally felt like I was moving in the right direction again.

Between the support of my gorgeous girls and my new "Magic Doctor" - I stepped up and followed through on my Surgeon consult commitment. I walked in there last Monday and sat down - I was shaking like a leaf, felt like I was about ready to vomit.  I couldn't remember when I'd seen him last - the first consult was purely for "research" (no pressure) - as it turned out, it was about this time last year.  He'd noted down my weight at the time - and when I told him where I'm at right now - exactly where I was 12 months ago - that's when it just dawned on me that I've spent an entire year fighting the same freaking battle.... months and months and months of anguish, tears, frustration, anger and self-deprecating hatred for what my body looks like now.  12 months of feeling like a freak of nature, having worked my arse off (literally) and absolutely HATING the superficial results.  I knew I'd been struggling really badly the last 6 months, but it broke my heart a little when that timeframe just doubled.  Ouch.

(I'll note here that I DO NOT HATE who I have become or what I've achieved - I LOVE that I turned my life around - but the hurtful part is walking around in a body that doesn't visually show just how much work you've put in doing that...  it simply hurts.)


SO it was GO time - I explained that I simply didn't have the energy or mental capacity to fight this same fight anymore. I love being healthy, and I love that I can "maintain" what it is I've achieved (... clearly... despite the ups and downs, I haven't regained my weight - I'm fit and I have the capacity to eat well.  I'm fighting and working through my emotional issues - but I simply don't have the energy to hate my body anymore... I needed to break that cycle - I needed physical help).

He checked out my tummy skin - and explained what he'd do for the procedure. It's more complex than a basic "tummy tuck" - but only working on the surface skin, as all my underlying muscles are great (small mercies) and this would just take away the huge hanging 'apron' that I've been left to contend with.  It's the bit that hurts me the most - literally.  It hurts when I run, it bounces and stretches, I get sweat rashes and the skin splits, and it throws my hips and knees out - which just causes more pain.  It hangs to the floor when I do pushups, and I can't fit into pants properly.  I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror and my stomach involuntarily clenches and I have a lump in my throat because I just want to cry - I can't "love" this at all. I can't appreciate it - it hurts and upsets me, and it has to go.

He took a photo of my tummy for my file, and pulled out a hospital admissions form.  Right about here is when I nearly vomited - the rush of blood to my head as I held my breath made my head spin - and I think I even held onto the side of the table.  I blurted out something about not doing it too soon - I hadn't really thought about dates, I hadn't really thought about anything but getting my arse into that consult room!!!   When he started filling out that form, it all became intensely REAL.   (... and here come the waterworks, haha...)

I walked out to see his Secretary - who would look after bookings and all the finer details. She asked me when I'd like to do the procedure, and all I remember saying is something about "later in the year, or even maybe next year... I don't really know!  I'm not ready just yet!".   She explained if I wanted to do it next year, I'd have to wait UNTIL next year to book it.  Yep, cut right there - suddenly became incredibly concise - I couldn't WAIT any longer just to make a booking.  I booked in then and there.

December 3rd.  I go in for my first phase surgery on December 3rd  (.. and yep, here I go with the shaking again, haha...!).   This will be my "radical abdominoplasty" as it's been written on my admissions form.  I'm petrified, and yet I'm insanely excited aswell.  I literally don't know whether to laugh or cry!  I walked out of there shaking like a leaf (much like I am just talking about it now) - this is the start of my next chapter.  My very painful "cut Amy to pieces first" chapter - but I know I've been subconsciously waiting and waiting and waiting until I was "good enough" after all this weightloss to start my life properly.... and for some reason (potentially, 'stupid reason') I haven't felt like I was allowed to do that in this "leftover excuse of a body".

So yeah, that's my little secret...  Things are about to get a whole wad of interesting!  I have 12 weeks ahead to fine-tune my fitness, get as fit and healthy as I possibly can for a better recovery and better results - and then off I march myself to tackle the next insane challenge.

Going to need all the support and encouragement I can muster as it gets closer.  I am SO scared!

Farewell 2011, you awesome thing you!

Sitting here reading all the "happy to see the end of 2011" messages on my Facebook friends statuses, I have to admit, I have a few mixed feelings about this.  It's 7.30pm on December 31st, and up until now, I was ok to see the back end of it too...  but then I started thinking...

Seeing the year draw to a close, I'm left pondering just what it is I've achieved this year - whether I've actually "produced the goods" and what I've done to make my year worthwhile. Think I can safely say that 2011 has been a year unlike any other for me. Literally. Going 'public' with my story in January, then going 'national' in February with my Commando Challenge... things have NOT been the same since!

I've been on a rollercoaster ride like no other - up and down, fast and slow, faster faster faster, think you're going to vomit, then it momentarily stops... then off it goes again!   I think I've felt every damned emotion I could feel this year, have had more meltdowns and breathroughs in 12 months than I have in 12 years!  I've laughed and cried more times than I can count... and I wonder if I actually get to say I've "lived" a little this year?!  I'm not sure on that one, so it's time to put a little "recollection" onto the page...

My year in review, goes a little something like this...

• Started my 'Aim to Change' blog in early January - according to my '2010 reflections' I'd had a really trying year - overcoming some of my personal obstacles (like exercising in public) then  having seen my dad struggle with his health so much, it prompted me to start going 'public' with my story... and in doing that, spiraled a whole new succession of opportunity and events that I would NOT have seen coming for 2011.
• Started the year at over 115kgs. An appointment with a cosmetic surgeon for an early review on my prospects ahead, and I was encouraged to drop to 90kgs before I even considered my surgeries. I promptly signed up for private health cover, and walked straight into the gym thereafter - one of my biggest, boldest moves to date!  Before this, I was not ready, nor brave enough to venture down the path of "the gym" - but this was the driving force I needed to embark on one of my biggest and most loved activities of 2011.
• February saw a little kudos fly my way via the Commando's congratulatory video on BLC - this was a really big thing for me. Up until then, I'd said 'no' to publicly acknowleding my weightloss (had lost 77kgs at this point) because I still felt like I was teetering on failure.  When I was approached for this, I couldn't help but say YES - lord knows how much I love Steve, and this was just a little bit of fun for me!  Little did I know what it would mean just a short time later... 
• March saw me undertake the Commando Challenge - BLC offered me an opportunity to take my losses one step further; challenging me to drop to 95kgs, in order to go "dine with The Commando". My story went national, I was given weekly challenges, daily exercise routines and got totally swept up within the challenge itself.  One of my first challenges was to "dream towards 2012" - well, I'll revist this one later... I'm getting a bit teary just overviewing it at the moment!!  Onwards... !! 
• April - I was whisked off to Sydney (something I've never really done before) and given the opportunity to actually TRAIN with Commando Steve!!  It was well and truly one of the biggest eye-openers to date and was just simply AMAZING!  An experience I couldn't have imagined I'd ever be brave enough to do before, and there I was, in the big city, training with Mister Muscles!  By the end of the month, and as the Challenge drew to a close, I was losing my momentum - my body was fatigued, my mental state was in crisis - I'd been swept up so much in all these new activities, the crazy new exercise routines and food, dealing with all the people and forums... I was slowly (but surely) losing my footing.  I barely scraped it through the Challenge, but made my goal! (phew)
• By the start of May, the challenge was finished and I was off on another whirlwind trip to Sydney for the photoshoot for BLC - another eye opener, and VERY much out of my comfort zone!  Before I even had time to really digest what it is I'd just done... I was on my first ever plane ride down to Melbourne with the group of ladies who had done their 12wbt challenge (that I'd paralleled doing my BLC challenge) - off for the festivities and excitement, and a whole wad of new experiences and social outings I've never had in my life before... 
• By the end of May - I was in Sydney for the celebratory Commando Challenge dinner, and was also scheduled in for my first stint with TV - an interview with Today Tonight... and boy was that an eye opener too!  Having my story go even MORE public, the momentum I was trying to keep up with right about now was beginning to take a HUGE toll.... but I was still riding the wave, and holding onto the surfboard for dear life!!
• By June I was in a bit of a state... I was mentally and physically fatigued, my business was on the back-burner and my income shot, I had people contacting me from all across the country, and I felt obligated to answer EVERYTHING.  I was exhausted and emotionally spent, and my body gave out beneath me...  The weight I'd lost during the Challenge was already starting to come back on (because I hadn't lost it properly to start with!) and my mental state was completely shot. 
• July was much of the same - and a noticeable absence of my blog posts and activities is testament that things weren't "ok" in Camp Amy for the middle of the year. I was spent...  Trying desperately to keep my control, and failing dismally... 
• By the time August rolled around, I was ready to kick my own butt back into gear - and come mid-month, I was back off to Sydney for an adventure with my gorgeous girls, and overcoming some more of the hideous fears and hurts that were plaguing me. I climbed the Harbour Bridge - one of my most momentous events of the year!  ... and followed that the next day with my first ever fun-run, the City to Surf... instantaneously igniting some serious fun-run-bug in my belly that I've NOT been able to shake since!!  These weren't "public goals" - these were for ME. This was Amy doing things for Amy, and the intense feeling of liberation and actually feeling 'alive' was nothing short of insatiable!  I wanted more...
• September was my "running month" - with another TWO fun runs on the agenda! So inspired by the runners of the City to Surf, I started to teach myself how to jog...  I did my local Bathurst jog, and then flicked back off to Sydney (Again?! How's that for the girl who'd never really traveled to the city before 2011!) for the Sydney Bridge run - both of which I LOVED.  All the while I was pushing my limits in these new fitness activities, in the backburner, my head was swimming. Fighting the emotions and demons, and trying desperately to hold it together...  The big blog post I wrote here, I can't bring myself to read again. I know how much I've struggled in the last few months, and how much I've fought to push through...  The emotional rollercoaster, the tears and hurts, the fatigue of it all - THAT is what happens when you purposefully change your life - and whether I liked it or not, it had to be experienced...
• October, the "dark started to lift" a little - I embarked on Round 3 of the 12wbt - not as a weightloss thing, but focusing solely on my fitness. What I GAINED out of that round was an amazing network of local ladies - a social factor "in real life" (as opposed to all the amazing internet friends and network I have) - and started pushing me in different ways.  I had to "front up" to meet them - actually "walk the talk" and work with people, not just hide behind the computer...  HUGE opportunity for transition.  The shy girl had to come out of hiding... 
• Come November, and I was very much struggling with who I was, where I was going, and why I was doing it... Minimal exposure on my forums and blogs, just thinking thinking thinking thinking... I was pretty much 'lost' at this point, and the blog post that went along with it didn't necessarily go into the finer details... but I was a mess, and I needed out, and I was pretty much prepared to walk away. A holiday down to Melbourne/Geelong was on the cards, and this proved to be one of my most strategically placed activities of the year. I went and participated in the first Melbourne City to Sea (sister-event to City to Surf) and LOVED it. The couple of months lead up to this, I'd been training like a demon - my weight didn't budge, but my fitness was through the roof!  I was IN LOVE with my gym sessions - Pump and RPM as the mains - and was now training regularly around Mount Panorama, even lapping with 12kgs on my back the week before my race! I was primed, focused, and freaking DETERMINED - I was fighting, for everything...  Trying to prove to myself that I was capable and deserved what I'd achieved - struggling to not let the negatives take over and bring me down.  By the time I finished my 14kms, I was a wreck.  Physically and emotionally spent... I collapsed shortly thereafter.  Left to my own devices without a goal in sight, I ate myself into a food coma, and took a much needed breather from EVERYTHING. Found out about the Geelong fun-run the weekend after, and lined myself up for that - "when in Rome!"...   This one was just for me - and I LOVED every minute of it.  I ran with the crowd, and enjoyed the experience.  I didn't have a goal, I was just ENJOYING it!  I came home happy to 'walk away' if required by then, but the Universe had other plans for me...
• Hello December!!  Boy oh boy you've been a rollercoaster ride all on your own!!!  Coming back from Melbourne, I was contacted as one of the Woman's Day weightloss competition finalists, and a little hiccup later about my sizing (given I'm still not "little") and my poor little head was in meltdown mode AGAIN!  Struggling very much for the past half of the year with my self-perception and body issues, being very 'touchy' on these subjects, it doesn't take much for me to lose my footing when it's brought up!   Being approached by BLC to become one of their campaign girls for next year too - and my head was SWIMMING.  I wasn't overly confident in my ability or acceptability to do any of this stuff - but a chance encounter trip with a couple of my local Bathurst ladies to see a taping of the BLC contestants for 2012, and it was the little boost and insight that sparked the next phase!  Seeing so much of their haunts and pain as they spoke to the audience, I saw so much of myself in them, it drove me...  EVERYTHING I do - my forums, my website, my story, the people I help and mentor - it's to help them empower their way OUT of that pain. It's the pain that breaks me - it's what drives me to instigate even more change - and it's the REASON why I do what I do now...    I went off to Sydney (again!!) and stood in front of a camera, not for self-publicity or to pat myself on the back (I don't need to do that) but because I'm passionate about reaching out to those struggling at home.  I stood in front of another camera the day after, and faced more of my fears head-on.. again, to reach the people at home who need me.  I sat down after both of these and cried - I'm still a work in progress, I'm still fragile, and I'm still bewildered by why people put me up on such a pedestal when I'm "just Amy"...  but I push myself to do this, there's a gut-feeling I have that I NEED to be doing this...
• Heading off for the 12wbt mass training session and Finale Party just a couple of weekends ago - and I can't believe that we've capped the year off with a bang!  As one of my most fun events of the year (I got to be ME!!!) - I celebrated with a bunch of my gorgeous local ladies, stepped out in one of my smallest, most daring outfits of my LIFE - and was, again, well and truly out of my comfort zone, yet not at all phased by it...  In just the space of 8 months, my whole attitude to things has changed entirely!
  

* * * * *

Going back to that Commando Challenge from March - "Dreaming towards 2012" - recapping on my goals and aspirations I'd "put out there" from earlier this year... Let's have a little squizzy at what I wanted to do and where I'm up to...

• Getting to 90kgs - given all my meltdowns and body issues the latter half of this year, I'm still working on this one!  Though I started the year roughly 115kgs, and now about 98kgs (having been down to 95 as my lowest, and the spikes, and plateaus I've been riding since) - I'm ok with this!!  My fitness is phenomenal, and I have MUSCLE definition that sits on the scales too, so very much ok with this!  I'm down to a size 14 top, size 16 bottom (was a 16/18 top, 18/20 bottom early in the year) - and I RUN in this body!!!  Am SO not apologising for my size!!
• Travel - this one's still on my agenda, though with all the tripping around I've done this year - including my first ever plane flight to Melbourne in May (I've now done TWO!) - and all the tripping backwards and forwards to Sydney - my confidence levels in doing these things is so much higher!  More trips on the agenda for 2012, and maybe even something overseas in 2013 when I sit down long enough to work and fund it, haha!
• Leave Bathurst?!  - Don't know about this one!  There's "opportunity" on my horizon here, and I think I may have to stick it out just that little bit longer and take advantage of the amazing network of professionals at my disposal who WANT to work with me!  I can always move and extend 'later'... !! 
• Romance - Ohhhh did I really have to put that on my list?!!  hahaha...  Well, let's just say this year has seen a few new developments on this one too - a few dates, a few heartaches...  Nothing solid, and I still have no idea how to deal with boys - but they're not quite as "alien" as they used to be...   (no starting rumours thank you very much!!!)   Now, if they'd just stop making me want to run and hide, I'd be right.... !!!
• Harbour Bridge - check!!  Snorkeling on the Barrier Reef and a 'hot lap' on my beloved Mt Pan - both on my 'to do' list!   Though, the way I run on Mt Pan now, I hazard a guess my lap is pretty damned hot already, haha!! 
• Wearing a real dress - CHECK CHECK CHECK!!  I've bought and worn a few of them this year - I'm VERY excited to mark this one off my list!  I even bought another new one recently - such an amazing feeling for the girl who couldn't buy clothes at all... !   As for the 'swimmers in public without the shorts' ... well... that'll stay on the list until my surgery goes ahead - so that may very well be revisited again! 
• 2012...  hit my ultimate goal weight.   YES I WILL!   You better stay posted about that one, you'll hear me screaming from the rooftop the day that happens!!! 

* * * * *

If someone had of told me at the beginning of the year that THIS is what my year would have amounted to, I'd have laughed at them!  Literally!!   Running with 84,000 other crazy people in Sydney; stepping up for three professional photo shoots; climbing the Harbour Bridge when I'm scared of heights; wearing an insane short, sleeveless size 'M' zebra print dress; actually going on a date; shopping and buying size 16 clothes; living and LOVING the gym....  oh my god...

I ALREADY have goals for next year (forward planning was never my forte - I didn't want things I had no intention of achieving on my conscience) - my first fun-run is booked and paid for!  I've got dates for future fun-runs already penciled in. I already have two holidays on the agenda to take with friends.  I have two magazine appearances hitting in January.  My website is in further development so I can extend my reach and help even more people.  I have a network of local professionals I want to start working with to make what I do REAL.  I have courses I'm looking at doing.  I am a work in progress and I'll be pushing to make even more changes in the next 12 months... but my body IS amazing, my fitness IS amazing, my health IS amazing, and I'll be working on my head to make sure I can start seeing that!! 

I don't need to sit here and say "farewell" to 2011 nor say how happy I am to see the back of it.  I've had one of THE biggest, most trying, daunting, painful, emotionally explicit years of my life.  I've transitioned in ways I NEVER thought possible, fast-tracked so much stuff in such a short space of time...  my head is swimming!!   I have NEVER had a year so full of LIFE as I have had this year!

THANK YOU 2011 for being the most amazing year of my life...  I am so very grateful for all the opportunities and people you've brought into my world. Can't quite bring myself to say 'farewell' to you, because you've just opened up the door to another 12 months of AMAZING - and I can't freaking wait to let you in!!!   2012 is going to be BIG!!!


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


xxx

Fun runs, photo shoots, wild weekends and 'finales'... part three

PART THREE!!   (... oh yes, we're not done yet.. but we're on the homeward stretch!)


After a much needed sleep, I woke up in my North Sydney motel room feeling MUCH more in the zone. I was prepped for the photoshoot ahead - it was to be a professional shoot, not a "look at me, look at me" type glamour shoot, so I was already in "business mode".

A text message shortly after, asking if I could come in earlier, and I was up out of bed, with my breakfast on its way down, showered and out the door in time to head to the studio early.

I walked into the studio with butterflies in my tummy - but nowhere near as nervous or anxious as I'd been the day before. This shoot was for the Biggest Loser Club - and as soon as I walked through the door, I recognised the faces of the team that I'd dealt with earlier in the year, and immediately I was at ease.

Photo studio

There were other gorgeous "success stories" being photographed and styled as I entered - and I had the opportunity to meet a few of the BLC members who had found some fabulous success on their programs, with some amazing weightloss numbers! The ladies looked fabulous and were beaming - and I was just so happy for them, to have the opportunity like I'd had earlier too.

I was greeted with a "It's AMY!" by one of the forum members who, unashamedly, told me she's been stalking me for ages (hahaha), hellos from the stylist and makeup lady that had "glammed me up" earlier in the year, and I was popped up in the makeup chair to start the transformation.

Glammed up with my
long hair extensions!

The face was easy... the hair came next! This one was a "glamour" shoot, so it was all about the hair, makeup and dress.  I was given gorgeous black hair extensions that were just SO long, I nearly wanted to run out the door and keep them!! I was in heaven with that hair - and was so sad when they were cut short... (sigh!) - but they weren't cut without a photo first!   I now have grand illusions of having my hair properly extended, and walking around like a total diva... I was just SO in love with it that super long length!!!  hahaha!

Off to the stylist I went next, and was put into a little pink dress... LITTLE being the word!  After so much 'drama' about my sizing, I've come to realise that I'm simply NOT the size I think I am - I was wearing a size 12 dress at one point when I was trying styles on for the Woman's Day shoot, and here I was in a tiny little pink number!!  (this one I found later when I was shopping in Myer, a Leona Edmiston number, and it was about a size 14 I believe...!!)

Cute little pink dress
... my 'casual' outfit

Out I stroll in my cute 'casual' look - little pink dress and red canvas wedges - and was poised in front of that camera in no time!  The photographer was giving me pointers and we were talking about angles, and beaming that smile of mine.  The photography team were taking the usual snaps - stand there, smile, show how excited you are about how fabulous you look!  SMILE SMILE SMILE!!   (... hey, it's what I do best these days!!)... and we're done!

Off to the stylist for the round two glamour shots - and she's decided to go with the dress I bought with me - my little red/black number, and my red patent heels!  I didn't actually know I had to bring anything with me, it was sheer fluke I'd brought my dresses (multiple!) - they were in the bag ready for the end of the week Finale party - given I hadn't made up my mind which one I was actually going to wear!

So my FAVOURITE red/black dress came back out for its second showing!  It first appeared at the Michelle Bridges 12wbt Finale Party in May - and back out again for this shoot - I was pretty chuffed to get to strut my stuff in this one again!

... and then they sprung it on me. My shoot for this shot was to be 'morphed' with my old photo... I stood there and gave them a silly look and asked what they meant - when I asked what old photo they had, then saw it on screen, ohhhhh my god, my heart sank and I had heart palpitations. Starring at me from the computer screen was THE old before photo - THE photo of where it all began...  The one where I was as round as I was tall, and looking decidedly revolted in EVERYTHING.

My fav red dress and shoes -
I styled myself, haha!

I was to stand there in a similar pose - and as I walked back to my spot, I just shook my head...  How do you stand like THAT version of yourself when you know you're so far removed from it?!!  They took my shots and asked me what I'd lost - when I told them, they just shook their heads and threw much praise my way...

I couldn't SEE what was happening on the screen next to the photographer, but the team were gushing over the transformation - the 'morphing' of the photos from old to new - and I was told it was AMAZING!  I don't know that I was ready to see it morph like that anyway, and I hazard a guess it's why I didn't run up and have a look at the end. After the breakdown the day before, I was a little too fragile, and just let it be...  I'll see it when I'm ready!

Thinking "that was a wrap" - I strut out of the set and head back to the team, only to be asked to go next door, with my stylist in tow. I was to be filmed this time...  SAY WHAT?!!

Standing in front of the TV camera (for the second time in a matter of two weeks, haha) my knees started buckling underneath me! My hands started sweating, my head started whizzing around... The producer was talking to me, giving me directions about the questions he was going to give me - and prompting me to answer for the testimonials we were filming.

I went blank.

I laughed and told him that he wasn't allowed to film me talking gibberish, that I'm much more fluent talking with my fingers (haha, you wouldn't have guessed that at all would you?!!) - and I kept having to ask him to repeat the question, because my brain would NOT compute!

When he asked me one of the biggie questions - which went along the lines of the biggest changes/benefit I've had from my transformation - I choked up entirely. Given my issues the night before, my over-zealous brain-busting about my mortality... I got a little emotional.  I wasn't in a room on my own - I had a producer, TV cameraman, a sound guy and a computer fella all staring at me... and here I was explaining that I never intended on being here, that everything that's happening now is just the 'cherry on top' - was never part of the plan, and why my life "as its changed" hasn't really changed (in that context)... my life has really only just started...

I honestly can't remember what I said now, it's like my brain just shut down to 'protect itself' - and I walked out of there a bit "vague"!!  All I remember was praising the forums as being one of my biggest benefits of the Club, and having likeminded people help me along my way - and the diary helping to teach me the habits that have helped reshape my lifestyle, which is why I'm still doing what I do today. Anything else... err... hopefully it wasn't just gibberish!!!


Afterwards, the ladies and I were all seated in the lounge area "talking shop" - again, it's what you do when you've been on this MASSIVE weightloss mission and you're with other likeminded women! We were talking about the shoot and feeling very conspicuous in our new bodies - the dresses and how it's changed things not only for ourselves, but our extended families and networks. It was FABULOUS and put me very much at ease again, both in who I was "in that moment" and why I was there. I LOVED it...

I walked out of there a happy girl - and hopefully the photos and filming come across NOT like a scared broken little girl, but the empowered Amy, ready to tackle the next phase of her mission...  because that's EXACTLY how I felt when I walked away!

* * * * *

After the photoshoot, I hit a cab and then a train on my return trip to Penrith. It was my sister's birthday the following day, so was staying at her place to help her celebrate.

Thursday rolled around, and I crawled out of bed - a somewhat lazy "catch up" day it became, but decided in my infinite wisdom that I had to go shopping at Westfield up the road.  "Had to".. haha!  I actually had a dress I needed to return to one of the shops, and by the time I plucked up the courage to venture out into the city, find a car space and turn off the engine, realised I'd left the blasted thing behind on the bedroom floor!

Oh well.. need not waste the opportunity, right?!!  SO off I went on a shopping spree - walking around like I owned the place!  I bought myself a new size 16 linen skirt (that's right folks - linen - NON stretch!!!) - a fitted black singlet top (yep, SINGLET - no sleeves!!!), some new jewellery, and fake eyelashes...  (haha, I'm a bit addicted to those - two photoshoots with falsies, and I LOVE how they make my eyes look!).

Stalking Santa...

I was stalking Santa around Target, and chuckling at myself for being so juvenille...  Finding all sorts of bargains on sale - like the new workout gear I got for $10 a piece, and a pair of gorgeous teal green canvas wedges that were reduced!  Feeling a bit chuffed with my purchases, and rather fatigued... by the time I left the shopping centre, my sis had finished work and was ready to get picked up at the train station. We had grand plans of hitting the gym - but between her over-eating the birthday cake they'd force-fed her at work, and me being overly tired... we opted for sitting on our butts and chillaxing!!

... but not before I dragged her home and back to the shop to take back that dress!!!

On the return trip, I walked in and was greeted by a green dress that I just HAD to try on at City Chic (now that I've discovered how great I look in green!)... there was two others nearby that went into the changeroom with me. Only for the fact that they were all too big (they were all a City Chic XS sizing mind you! I used to barely fit their biggest gear and now the smallest sizes are TOO BIG?!), my bank balance sighed in relief when it went back up with the dress return, as opposed to down!

Not feeling overly satisfied with my shopping experience, my sister suggested I have a look in Crossroads downstairs... There was a Crossroads downstairs?! How did I miss THAT on my first trip?!  Down the escalators we went, and straight in the door...  Off to the changerooms I went with a dress and skirt in my hands, and yep, both fit, both went back out the door with me!!  (they were both on sale too, SWEET!)

.. now I had another dress on my 'hit list' for the Finale party - I had FIVE now to choose from!!  Talk about giving the indecisive girl too many options... !!!

Coming home, it was decided I'd stick with just the three options (life's tough!) - and I re-packed my bag accordingly for the trip to the city the following day...

* * * * *

Next morning I head off with the Bathurst Girls - who diverted through Penrith to pick me up. Gearing up for a big couple of days ahead, we hit the city, parked the car, checked into the YHA at The Rocks and caught the rest of our wild crew!

I designed this!!  :D

There's about a dozen of us local Central West girls from the 12wbt this round - and it has been one of THE BEST things I have found with the program - the formation of our local team "Grid Girls" - duly named for our crazy Mount Panorama training grounds!!

The support and camaraderie from this crazy bunch of women is just fabulous! Never really been part of a group like this - have ALWAYS been the odd one out...  To be one of the girls, and to have them "look after me" the way they do, I feel very blessed to have found them.

... particularly given the last six months of mental games. Having a social outlet like this, and being able to extend to new people for friendship "in real life" has been a godsend!  I've trained with these girls, I've been praised by these girls...  and I have nothing but respect and love for them! They're just FABULOUS!!

We went off together for the 12wbt Workout and Finale as a team - and were geared up to celebrate our 12 weeks together.  These ladies are AWESOME - they've achieved some phenomenal numbers in the last few months, and their drive and enthusiasm is quite contagious!!   When I'd voice my frustrations, they'd help push me back into gear... and when I'd hit Mount Pan with them, they'd tell me I was a freak (hahahaha!!) - you gotta love that!

Grid Girls at lunch!

SO we converge on Sydney together - and head off down to Circular Quay on a quest to find some lunch!  It's a great big "meet and greet" - for those of us who hadn't had a chance to formally meet each other beforehand (given we all communicate in a Facebook group ordinarily - we have members all across the Central West) - it was lovely to finally get bulk of us together, at once.

We head back out and decide to hit the shops... uh oh... more shopping?!!

Hitting Myer in the big smoke!

Myer this time... the great big huge shopping centre!  I was lost in five minutes... haha!  Walking around eying off all the fashion, I spot a 'clearance' rack and head straight towards it. First thing I pull out is a gorgeous red leather jacket, half price - only $4,500!!!!   Yeah... time to walk away... !

Spotted the Leona Edmiston section, and found my pink dress that the BLC stylist had put me in the day before!  Half price, only $160!!!   EEK!  Time to go...  Budget only extends to Target and Crossroads at the moment...

A text message after to find out where the others were - and yep, I'm officially lost!  In and out the same two doors a couple of times (with a stint of circular walking in the middle) and I have to laugh at myself a little...  Considering I was the girl who NEVER liked shopping, HATED being seen in a department store (or supermarket for that matter) - I was the girl who'd be up to her eyeballs in anxiety in such a crowded, public spot as I was...  and yet here I was, walking around, lost, quite calm and composed?!!  Again, who is this girl?!!

I smiled... sent an SOS to my girls, and found them shortly thereafter.  ... but I smiled. I was actually ok.  This is stuff I'm starting to really enjoy now - never thought that was ever possible, but I can actually handle being a part of the crowd now.  It just amazes me that it's come around like this...


Off to dinner that night, with sore, sorry, shopped-out feet from all the walking - an expensive piece of barramundi, a lychee cocktail and some fabulous company later, and we head back to the YHA to relax.

... but I wasn't done.  My girls (Allison and Emma) prompted a late-night walk over the Harbour Bridge - and I jumped at the chance!  I threw on my joggers and singlet, and out the door we went for a walk.... only I couldn't contain it this time, there'd be no walking. I apologised in advance to the girls, and said that I just HAD to run - I just HAD TO.

.. and run I did!  Music going off in my ears, my joggers and I took off - it was GORGEOUS up there!  I hit the end of the bridge, took the stairs down, walked around the end and waved to the Harbour Bridge from the other side!  THIS was the area I was staying just a couple nights before - the motel just up the road.  This was my second chance to run this bridge... and run it I did!

Return lap, I passed the girls and said I may or may not hit a third...  Got to the end, but I wasn't done - and back off I went for another one!  By the time I finished and head back to the YHA, I'd done over 12kms (four laps), I was sweaty and hot - but totally EMPOWERED.  I'd run my bridge!!

... and I slept like a log...

* * * * *

GO the GRID GIRLS!!

Up bright and early on Friday morning, the Grid Girls and I ate our kick-starter breakfasts and head off for our 12wbt giant group workout!  We were PUMPED!!!  We were decked out in our new singlets - looking like a powerhouse team - and ready to show them all what us country chicks were made of!

GO TEAM!!!

Registration and meet and greets - I caught up with a few of my gorgeous onliners and just enjoyed the ambiance of the grounds.

At one point I was ushered away to go and talk on camera (say what?!!  ANOTHER TV camera in my face, haha!) - and I gushed on about how I'd focused on my fitness this round, that I was smashing it, and I had the most awesome team mates out of the experience!  .. or, at least I HOPE that's how it came out.. hahaha!

Knee-repeaters...
gonna make you sweat!

The training session was FABULOUS!  Michelle Bridges came out on stage, and pumped up the massive crowd (about 1200 of us insane people training together) - and we were off!

Stretches, hip thrusts, arm punches, hand clapping, pushups, tricep dips, knee repeaters, running... OHHH my gosh - it gave us a run for our money!!!  It was structured the same as a gym-style body attack class, in the humidity of the day (thankfully we didn't get rained on, but god it was a stinker!) - and we LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!

Lots of patting each other on the back afterwards and thinking we were a bit awesome, the Grid Girls all left the fields a little sunburnt, pretty sweaty, but a whole wad of awesome!!!

* * * * *

Got in trouble for taking
this one... haha!

But the fun didn't end there! A quick costume change for me, and the girls took me off to the CBD so I could hit Capitol Theatre to attend Mary Poppins!!

I'd booked in tickets to see the show for my sister's birthday before Mish Bridges had announced her finale party date - and it clashed. Thought I'd have had to sell or forfeit them, but a sheer stroke of luck (again?!) and I was there in time to sit down and enjoy the show with my sis!!

It was MAGICAL!  The theatre was gorgeous, the stage set was spectacular, and it was upbeat, entertaining and just plain FUN!  I had to duck out a little early, so I could make it back to The Rocks to get ready for the Finale party, so missed a little of the back-end of the show, but was so glad I fit that into the schedule.  My week was so jam-packed, getting to sit down long enough for that too - I was just HAPPY not to have had to miss it in the end!

* * * * *

Back at Camp YHA - the girls were near ready by the time I ventured back in.  I was sunburnt, sweaty and felt feral - and they were made-up, hair-styled and looking FABULOUS!!

Jumping in the shower, I was getting more and more anxious as the minutes ticked over... do I dare wear THE dress?  I really didn't think I had the confidence to pull it off - but with a little prodding (and it being so freaking HOT and humid) - the very short, very tight, very white, very little zebra dress was laid out to be put on...

Fighting with my trying to put on my fake eyelashes (whose idea was that?!!!) and I was getting more and more worked up. My belly was churning, and I was bright red - the sunburn on my face wasn't helping, and the girls were pretty much ready to leave without me!

Throwing on the balance of my makeup, chucking on the shapewear underneath (ALL HAIL THE SHAPEWEAR!!!) - I slipped on the zebra dress, got two glorious thumbs-up from my room mates, popped on THE red patent heels and jewellery, and off we went!

12WBT FINALE PARTY, HERE WE COME!!!

THE Zebra dress!

This was the moment for us - the culmination of hard work and commitment - and we were geared up for a freaking fabulous night!  I stepped out of the taxi with the girls at the pub nearby the event hall, and we found the balance of our group.  The girls praised the dress and told me I looked fabulous - which was EXACTLY what I needed to hear - my knees were shaking. I've NEVER been SO bold or confident enough to wear something so short, least of all strapless, least of all white and totally fitted..

.. and the funniest part to it all was the fact it was a St Vinnies purchase I'd found when I was down in Geelong just a few weeks prior!!  Of all the new glamour dresses I've bought lately, it was my tiny second-hand cheapie that won!   AND it was a size M - all of maybe a 14?!

That was enough for me - I was on a total HIGH after that! That's all I needed - to cut the crap and just HAVE FUN!  This was the stuff I've been working towards - being empowered enough to be ME, to step out of my comfort zone and take that leap of faith that things are actually better than I believe they are - that this body (with all its flaws) is actually OK!!

... and boy did I have fun!!  I spent bulk of the night dancing and hanging with my girls.  I had the opportunity to meet some other amazing 12wbters, and was introduced to quite a few others by my "unofficial media representative" Allison, who introduced me like I was a celebrity!!!  (hahaha... bless her!!)

I had THE best night - the red heels came off in favour of black ballet flats, and that was just the green light to dance the rest of the night away... and dance I did!  Out in the middle of nowhere, on my own if necessary... I didn't care, I just LOVE dancing!!    .. and I spent bulk of it jumping around like a monkey, too much energy for my own good!!!

The party wrapped up by 11pm, and by the time we ventured home, I think we were all pretty much exhausted... !!  Sitting on the side of my bed, my poor aching feet told me the story of what I'd just done for the night (hahaha), but I was on such a high, it took me a good couple of hours to calm down enough to sleep!

Waking up at 6.30am for an early-morning departure back to Penrith (to pick up my car) and I was, no word of a lie, walking around like an old woman!!!

My bones ached. My joints were on fire. I was bent over like a candy cane... I looked and felt a little bit like death - and considering I barely drank anything the night before (well, albeit a few glasses of champers - the first two went straight to my head, haha!) - it was like a hangover from hell, but all in the body!!!

I shuffled out the door and head back to Penrith feeling mighty sore and sorry for myself... and the girls dropped me off at my sister's door and left me to my devices.

Walking through the door like a broken woman, my sister prompted some bacon and eggs for recovery - and ofcourse I couldn't say no!  (haha.. you wouldn't either!). After my recovery breakfast, off I went on my trip back home to Bathurst.... my week was officially over!

Stopping off at Katoomba on my way back home - it was a strategic pitstop to wake me up... proved to be a bit of a "brain catchup" point for me. Standing at Echo Point overlooking the Three Sisters, I just had a stupid grin on my face...  Here I was "enjoying" my day again - without even over-thinking it, worrying about it, feeling guilty or pressured (which is usually how things are for me, when you always feel like you don't belong)... I was just ME in this moment, and I'd just come through one of the biggest weeks of my entire year!

I shuffled back to my car and drove the rest of my trip home, with my little head just mulling over what all this means and how this entire last few months has impacted me...

* * * * *

When I started this round of the 12wbt I was fighting with my body and head. I'd stalled on my weightloss - that pesky up and down 2-kilos was driving me NUTS.  I'd failed a 12-week structure before this round, I just wasn't ready for it...

This one was different. I changed the angle. I wasn't worried about weightloss this time (came at it from a "it'd be nice, but it's not my goal" type angle)...  No, this one was all about fitness for me.

Looking back at how intensely I've adapted my training and how much I'm IN LOVE with this new level of fitness, I can see now why it meant so much this end of it...

The scales didn't do much for me this round - but my body shape, endurance and fitness are on a whole new level!  I've done it the RIGHT way this time - and ironically, I'm still heavier than I was six months ago!  I might have only just cracked back into double digits recently, but my health and food is the best it's been in months.

I have muscles - my calves are AWESOME (and I'm super proud of the shape they're taking - that's my work right there in full view!!) - my arms have definition coming through - my shoulders are more toned and my collar bones are more prominent.  The saggy neck that I despised so much a few months ago is reshaping, my butt is starting to disappear a bit too...  I can fit into a size 14, I even fit a size 12 at the start of the week!  There ARE changes going on!

My fitness is INSANE!! I've trained consistently for MONTHS, building up to my key event in Melbourne - my 14kms... Knowing full well it was only a couple of years ago that I could barely walk a few steps down the road (in the cover of darkness - that emotion is as raw today as it was then...)  - I am SO SO SO proud of myself for achieving what I have in such a short space of time.  I never knew I could do that, I didn't ever assume I'd WANT to try that!  .. and here I am, since August, having achieved FIVE fun-runs already, walking laps of Mount Panorama (some with 10-12kgs on my back!), purposefully looking for training possibilities and training buddies, and LOVING the change in my attitude.

The scales have got NOTHING on what I've achieved this round - they say NOTHING.

My insane fitness and the huge stamina and ability to push my body through the limits - THAT is what I've achieved this round.

My new body shape, and the fact I've dropped another dress size, even though the scales are still high, and can totally rock a short, fitted ZEBRA dress - THAT is what I've achieved this round.

I have a group of amazing women in my local network now who help cull the loneliness - THAT is what I've achieved this round.

I have had the opportunity to extend my story and reach others who are just starting out on their weightloss mission - THAT is what I've achieved this round.



Before I went to Victoria, I felt like a failure... That I hadn't achieved anything in the last six months and was very much going backwards with my mission and goals.

I was SO very wrong, and I apologise to my body and my head for berating them about it.

I see now what we've all been working on so aggressively the last few months - more so in the last 12 weeks - and I have nothing but praise now.

I'm a different girl... AGAIN.  I've grown and matured - my confidence is at an all time high.  I fight and I conquer, and I'll KEEP fighting, because I'm not done yet!

The universe has plans for me - I see that - and I'm open to them now.  I WANT to help and be helped - and the more I give of myself, the more I'm receiving...

It IS all coming together - sometimes you just have to get to the Finale to realise what it is you've busted your arse to achieve for so long!

...  and now I can't wait for the next chapter!


This year has been PHENOMENAL - and with Christmas and New Years just around the corner, I'm SO excited to see what it is that 2012 has in store for me...  I honestly and sincerely can't wait for the adventures I have coming my way.   I have a feeling they are about to rock my world even more!!

THAT is what I've achieved this round...  and I've already got the beginnings of a new goals list for the new year...  I do believe this is where I finally get to say....

GAME ON!!!

;)

I.have.bandaids.on.my.butt..... !

OK, so given I'm in plateau mode (and would really love to say I wasn't, but the body won't shift out of this pesky 2-kilo zone I'm in... SIGH!)... I've been focusing solely on my fitness this round of the 12wbt - and changing things up accordingly in my lead-up to my next major fitness goal - the Melbourne City 2 Sea this Sunday 13 November!

Going REALLY awesome in the last month - busting serious butt and loving it!!   Laps around Mount Panorama (here in Bathurst) with 10-12kgs on my back with my local 12wbt girls, even a double-lap last Sunday in prep of my 14kms to come.  Adding in aqua classes and increased laps, upping my Pump weights and increasing my running/shuffling so I could prep for Melbourne!   Fighting through muscle soreness and the most hideous toe-blisters I've ever endured in my life!!   I thought I was pretty much "ready for anything" .... until last night!!!

Started Cardio Box classes at the gym last Friday, and LOVED IT - wasn't a super-intense class my first one, more just technique and strategy and some upright punching!    Til last night's class... was an absolute KILLER!

I have never done so many freaking situps in my LIFE!   Hell, I'd even go so far as to say I haven't done a SERIES of situps in a row EVER least of all multiple series in a circuit routine like that!!!   And I busted them out, one after the other, after the other!!  By the final circuit on the floor, my belly muscles were screaming, my tailbone was KILLING!!!  I could barely lift myself the final 10seconds, but still managed one last situp and a final punch!  I'm not one to verbally complain about workouts too much (ha!  I kinda love them now...) - but even *I* was moaning and groaning by the end of that, and absolutely drenched in sweat!!   That was a whole wad of AWESOME!!!   

Followed that with a Pump class, and wondered why the hell my arms were shaking the way through it... Couldn't figure out why my legs could barely get my squat presses out (irrespective of the 25kgs on my shoulders - that's what I normally do!!!)....  I usually nail that Pump class, it's my favourite! 

Walked out of that gym last night a "broken woman" with the biggest freaking smile on my face!!  I haven't had a butt-busting like that in AGES - and I loved it!!

Climbing into bed last night, I rolled over, and wondered what the hell was going on when my lower back just started to ACHE like crazy!!!  Stinging sensations running right through my lower back and top of my bum... KNEW I'd probably bruised my tailbone with all the situps on the gym floor, but then when I touched the spot, realised it was a little more dire than that!!!

Had a freaking BLISTER ON MY BUTT - well, at the top of my buttcrack to be more specific (TMI?!!)  - and the skin was rubbed red raw, and well, weeping like crazy!!!  (oh yeah, THAT was TMI!!!)    Slapped on the Vitamin E cream and went back to bed - after a whole WAD of "ow ow ow ow ow ow" stinging whinges (stung like a bloody mofo!!!) and jumping around trying to take my mind off the ache - and went back to bed, somewhat in disbelief!

Inspecting the damage this morning, and yep, beautifully red raw skin on this arse!!!  Uh oh...  I have 2.5hours in the car, an hour on the train, then a flight down from Syd to Melb to go yet today.... 

I'm currently sitting here with six bandaids on my buttcrack holding me together!  Off to the pharmacy shortly for one sizeable enough to cover the damage AND my bum (do they make them that big?!!  bahahahhaa)....

.... and Sunday's 14kms should prove "interesting" now.... !!!   

I posted up on my FB page today, thinking surely I'm not the ONLY weirdo who bruises/blisters their bum in the course of greatness!!   ... and quite pleased to report I'm not alone (phew!)...  but gotta watch those situps!   The aftermath is NOT fun!!!!  

And here I was thinking it was just my TOES that were keeping the bandaid industry afloat... !!!

Definitely chalking this one up as Number Two in my series of "Warped Injuries" - the first being my carpet burn directly under my nose from going face-first on the gym floor because of my new shoes...  Ahhh I dare say there'll be more to add in the future!!   (eek..)

*** was going to post a photo.... but yeah, noone wants to see my arse like that, bahahahhaha!!!!   ;)