Why I persist...

I've often been asked HOW it is I've managed to keep going with my weightloss and health goals for so long - or how I even got started in the first place.  Some days I simply don't have the strength of mind to really give an award-winning positive-momentum speech (that's been very hard to do this year; with the setbacks)... but I always try and offer some sage advice or a positive note to help the person - whether that's to get them motivated enough to start, or help them push through their own road-blocks that drive them to come and ask in the first place.

If I'm truly honest with myself, though, there's a few key reasons why I DO persist - and its on these really honest occasions that I genuinely remember WHY I keep pushing through when it often feels like a waste of time, I'm not seeing results or going in the opposite direction - or it's become simply "too hard and I don't think it's worth it!" (yes, I have tantrums too!!).

I don't think I've ever noted them down like this - I was always far too worried about goals and numbers to genuinely acknowledge what this all meant to me...

... but that's the beauty of genuine, hardcore honesty.  I've been fighting back the past few weeks - and this morning I woke up with a clarity of mind that had me sit here and write these out.

My true self was talking to me this morning - and she had some clear-cut wisdom for me.  I love when she rises - she's always there - but far out, she's got some power under her belt when I need a reminder.


Why do I keep on pushing through?  My reasons are pretty damn clear.  I'm incredibly proud of my list....

Why I persist…

1.  To find love - so one day I have a house that isn't empty anymore - there's two people here who love me "just as I am", lumps and all  --- partner + Amy

2.  Because I intrinsically believe I DESERVE to be happy and healthy - and that takes hard work, both to achieve and believe

3.  So I can effectively deal with the ups and downs of emotions - including fighting through (and no longer fearing) the "dark days" - to wake up each day grateful that I'm still here

4.  To be a role model that *I* would admire - to teach people the value of health and wellbeing (via weightloss) is more about self worth than it'll ever be about the size of your jeans…. AND believe my own spiel

5.  To have a healthy body and mind to have my own family (*in accordance with number 1) - and be the role model to a child who deserves a world free of self-hatred

6.  To find enough courage to step outside the tiny 'box' I've contained myself in and find the life I want - including leaving my house - then my town - then step up and find even more in the expansive world that's outside my comfort zone

7.  To have an enviable relationship with food - no more disordered eating - to love and respect food for the role it plays in my wellbeing

8.  To embrace a body that has endured physical hardship but still moves in creating change with me - to admire its qualities and strength, to engage in its abilities, to push through its boundaries - to respect it as a superior machine and love it for all it is

9.  To finally be free of my self-hatred demons - and love both the inside and outside versions of Amy - an entire package deal

10. … because this is the life I chose when I decided to change. 


There was a reason I snapped at my absolute heaviest - it was consuming me, I was empty and I felt I had nothing to live for.  Changing this reality has already taken me places I could never have imagined, and shaped me in ways I didn't see coming.  It's given me the courage to find a true sense of self, and step out of the shadows.  This was a CHOICE I made and I need to respect myself enough to follow through with it.

I have to TRUST that with every failure and set-back, there's a reason.  I am strong and I endure.  I get up and I keep moving.  I try every day. Some days I fail.  I am human - I am no different than anyone else - I'm not "special" because I've lost weight, but because I'm a fighter, I will not give up, I will keep moving.

… and one day I'll cross my items off this list one by one - and then I'll address new things.  The list won't ever end.  It forges ahead with me, changing direction and shape as much as I am. It challenges me in ways I don't always agree or want to deal with, and sometimes it mocks me… but it always, always drives me.  I am better because I try. I am stronger because I've failed.  I am greater because I chose to change.

I persist - because this is who I am.

Changing the goalposts...

I DID IT!  7.5kms in 55:40 during yesterday's Bathurst Jog!  I didn't actually set out for a particular time - in fact, I had no idea what I was in for (what's new!). It was the first time I'd participated in this local event, and only my second attempt at a fun run (the first being the City 2 Surf just a few weeks ago - as per the previous blog post).

It wasn't until I came through the last turn and headed up the last few metres of the course, spotted the monster clock above the finish-line, that it suddenly dawned on me that I'd pulled a new PB!   A BIG PB too - normally my hour yields about 5-5.5kms...  here I'd just hooned through an additional 2kms and did the entire 7.5kms (including a heart-busting hill or two) under an hour and bulk of it I had JOGGED!!

All the training I've put in the last couple of months is paying off!  My fitness is FANTASTIC!  Despite the wonky hips and sore knees today (that's a given - they're still getting used to the jogging) - my endurance for running is fast improving!  I've been building my distance up gradually, and any time I feel my knees whinge, I back it off to my (maniac) fast walking again, just so I don't provoke injury.  My 'smart girl' tactics are paying dividends!!

.... and I have another 9kms on the agenda!  Off to do the Sydney Bridge Run this weekend, and I'm freaking excited!!!!   What can I say... I'm addicted?!

For a girl who couldn't even walk a few metres up the block from her house just a few years ago - shame, anxiety, severe lack of fitness - for me to participate in events like this is nothing short of LIBERATING!!  I forget, "in the moment", just what it is that I'm doing and how profoundly different it is for me - even just being part of a large crowd like that is severely different for the girl who preferred to hide in her house, least of all strutting her stuff in a singlet top (another WIN) and "look at me" runners... and gallivanting down the road with 1600 other crazy enthusiasts!!!

It makes me feel ALIVE!!   ... and the great big grin on my face said it all!  Both before AND after the run!   I AM IN LOVE WITH THE NEW ME!!!




... which brings me to my moment of reflection - POST ACHIEVEMENT - and what's in store for the next 12 weeks.

As some of you know, and as my Aim Train facebook group are aware, I've joined the 12wbt this round and we've just kicked off our next 12 weeks worth of challenges!   .... However, I signed up with some reservations and hesitation...

Coming off the back-end of the previous few months and winter - the gain and the severe mental shutdowns, tantrums and body breakdowns - I was SERIOUSLY reluctant to align myself with any sort of time frame that was going to create even more pressure. 

I'm still not 'ok'....   I'm still struggling to get my head around all the changes, all the publicity, and all the 'expectations' I've put on myself!

Never did put a time frame on all this in the past - and doing that in the last few months has proven highly UNSUCCESSFUL!

The thing is, despite that, I'm not finished.  I still have work to do and a way to go... but for the first time in this whole mission of mine, my new goals aren't KILO related. It really doesn't come down to that this time.

Nope.  I've moved the goalposts. 


I've been deliberating over this for a while now...  It's not something I've been speaking about publicly - there's a lot of beautiful people out there who look to me to keep them moving forward, motivated and who need to see 'possibility'... and I'm well aware of how influential my "backing out of the game" can be.   Rest assured, I'm not doing that!  ;)

Nope, this one's a bit more profound than that.  It's a biggie.

For the first time... well... in forever (?!) I'm actually OK with my weight.  I'm HAPPY.  I'm seriously HEALTHY.  I'm maintaining without an issue - I eat like a horse and elephant combined, I've stopped counting calories, I work my arse off and I'm super merry - and I've knocked my winter gain on the head and happily maintained "without pressure" for the last few weeks.

...THAT in itself is a shock to the system!

My body is cruising quite happily along at the moment - and *I* am HAPPY!

*key point*


The more that this has happened, the less inclination I have to actually ruin this beautiful thing I have going on...  whatever it is?!

My entire life should NOT just be about weightloss, kilos, calories and number crunching (just the thought of it makes my heart sink and my brain ache).   *I* am worth more than what those scales say. YES they are part of my new lifestyle.  YES they are reshaping the new Amy.  YES I'm addicted to it and love what it's done for me... but NO, this is NOT what my whole entire life boils down to!


It's NOT feeding my heart and soul anymore...

I moved the goalposts.

I don't think it was intentional - more a natural progression.  Either way, they moved.


Suddenly, a "goal weight" seems ridiculous to me.  It's not feasible - it doesn't DEFINE when I'll be happy - if that was the case, then I'm still about "twenty excess kilos unhappy" and that's utter bullshit!!!

Suddenly I've gone from having 3.5 years of traumatic vision, where EVERYTHING was so brutally focused and hinged on the scales - it's like I'd put everything 'on hold' because I let myself believe everything would fall into place when I was thin - and hey, guess what?!  It's crap!   Your life does NOT just miraculously eventuate because you lost some kilos - I've had to WORK for everything - happiness included!!   EVERYTHING all hinged on my weightloss..  and now, it just seems RIDICULOUS!


NOW, I want LIFE.  I want friends and social activities, I want holidays and travel, I want to allow myself the beautiful things and moments in life that I've missed out on... I want love.  I want pure happiness.  I want AMY.  

I don't want scales.  I don't want counting calories.  I don't want sweating until I puke because I'm trying to be like people 30kilos lighter.  I don't want to be so intertwined with weightloss that it undermines all the other things I can't see because my blinkers are so tightly affixed to my head all I can see is my numbers!   STUFF THE NUMBERS!!!

I deserve more.  I've EARNT more.   I will NOT be a person who lives their life defined by their love-hate relationship with a set of incidental scales!!!   They're a piece of NOTHING - my heart, soul, body and life deserve better!


The goalposts have well and truly moved.


I don't know what my "ultimate number" is now - quite frankly, I don't care!  I have excess skin to contend with yet (and I'll deliberate and discuss more in time - surgeon's appointment ahead).  I'm in the process of building serious muscle (am now addicted to weights) which does nothing but do my head in when I see up and down discrepancies on the scales because of it - but am seriously IN LOVE with the way it's changing my shoulders and physique!   It's getting messy and AWESOME all at once, and the numbers are pissing me off!  The scales are cruel, cold and manipulative - they no longer warrant my attention. 

I'm hovering just under 100kilos at the moment, post-winter gain, post-breakdown.  ... but I'm so freaking fit, healthy and HAPPY right now, do I really care anymore what those scales say?!!   There's more to this, and there's more coming...  !

My goals are now fitness and fun related - the next 12 weeks I'm going even harder!!   I want more Pump classes and muscle, I want to resculpt this body (surgically AND sweat enhanced) and I'll be hitting more and more of these social sweaty events, because they make me feel ALIVE!

I. AM. ALIVE.   
.... and it's about fkng time I got out there and enjoyed it! 

I'm DONE waiting for my life to start "when I get skinny."   Bugger off!!!   The goal posts for THAT were never feasible, it's just taken me a long time to see how shallow that truly is.  

Nope, things have definitely changed... 
*I* have changed.  ... and irrespective of where I go from here, those bloody goalposts better keep on moving!! 

I want MORE!!!


(... oh my god, I love when I get feisty!  hahahaha!!!!)

BRING ON THE NEXT 12 WEEKS BABY!!!   (... but sorry, scales, you're not invited!)