One month, one hundred emotions

Close your eyes.... breathe in.... hold that breath.... exhale and release.... Remember to breathe in again... wait, then what?? 

SO much has happened in the past month, I do wonder when it was that I simply forgot how to do the most basic task - breathe in, breathe out - when it became clouded with stress, fear, tears, confusion and frustration that made breathing sometimes feel like a chore...

I KNEW when the Universe started to shake things up that there'd be consequences - I knew I was going to wear these consequences in a "really messed up, but good, way"... but I didn't think it would take THIS much of a toll on me.  I underestimated it immensely...

The last month has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride...  Since my last blog post, I've moved house (albeit next door!) ~ attended the amazing Emazon Convention in Brisbane ~ went on a holiday with a bunch of my favourite crazy online girls and ate cake ~ had (another) pre-birthday meltdown and then turned the big 3-4 ~ and became an Aunt for the first time...  Oh, and my body started to shut down in its usual winter-style - my weight has piled on, and I feel a whole wad of blurgh... !   SO let's begin this crazy recap...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Thank you healing house.."

Moving house was.... emotional. Hard. Heartbreaking... but I had no choice - and the hasty shift from one door to the next before I had to go away didn't leave much room for "downtime and bonding with my new premises."  An intensely emotional weekend all round as I departed with the place that had been my home for over a decade - the place that had helped me rebuild myself, where I felt safe to begin my changes.  I found myself sobbing as I weeded the front garden and stroking the doorframes as I'd walk in and out the empty rooms.  Extremely hard for me to say goodbye to an empty 'soulless' house when the time came, but I said my heartfelt 'thank you' to the walls that had sheltered me for so long, and gave me exactly what I needed when I needed it the most.  The moment I walked into that house I knew I was meant to live there - it helped heal me - and as hard as it is to live next door now (I didn't get that same feeling here), I did metaphorically close the door on that chapter of my life when I walked out for the last time...  That's probably more in keeping with the emotional distress and tears... farewelling a huge decade of my life and closing that door... finally??  Maybe...  or at least beginning to!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Running off to the Emazon Convention in Brisbane a couple of days later, I KNEW I was in for a whirlwind of emotions.  I was already emotionally red-raw and knew I was in for even more upheaval in the heart region.  Emma's workshops are nothing short of HONEST - and it's her honesty and integrity in her message that is what drove me to attend the convention in the first place.  My own beliefs parallel hers, and I believe in her message - she's an incredibly strong woman and I admire her passion in delivering the tools to others to stand up and find their OWN strength in who they are.  THAT is what I was seeking - the strength and capacity to find my feet again - the willingness to break free of my inflictions.  I went to the convention with an open mind and heart - and knew I was going in head first... and I was ok with that.

Check me out with my fake tat - TOUGH!

The convention was.... wow, one word...  intense.  It all began with an amazing pre-convention welcome party - glam up and get socialising!  (I'm NOT good with this at the best of times - don't let the big smile fool you!)  ... but a cocktail or two later, and I was ok - I was amongst 'friends' who were there for their own reasons of self development too - and they were probably as nervous as I was..... yes, no, maybe?!!!   Overall, a fabulous night filled with fire dancers, Harley rides (I missed out, goddammit!!!) and fake tattoos (to go with my fake hair and lashes, ha!)... it was just an awesome start to the events!   ... maybe a little misleading - the "fun" before the work?!    Isn't that around the wrong way.... ??!!

Yep.. !  SO a very late night for me and then a very early start the following morning with a 6am workout - and BAM - let the educating begin!  6am to about 7pm each day for three days - with lectures, training, boxing, mindset and nutrition education, meditation and yoga (for a vague overview!)... wow...   It was all in there - mind, body, spirit - it was intense, purposefully packed to maximise our time and give us the tools to educate and facilitate personal growth and change.

... and it threw me... big time.   The lectures had me in tears - the education had my brain swimming - it challenged my thinking and "brainwashing" and made me question what it was I actually DO want and why I'm still fighting so hard against my own wants and desires, trying to be 'just like everyone else' instead of being ME (and standing up and being proud of that - no "follow the leader" sheep stuff).  I've conflicted with 'programs' and structure now for over 2 years - my weightloss and mental health suffered for it in huge ways.  The surgery and it's poor results instigated another mass degrading of my mindset (because it didn't give me the "picture perfect stomach" media showcased, nor "fulfilled me" when the superficial left my heart just as empty as before!).

Emazon - our courageous teacher!

As per my introduction to the Emazon workshops in the past, my brain went into overdrive.  Knowing full well there's a REASON why I do what I do - and knowing there's also a reason why I now baulk against the confines of what I've done in the past... it's almost a revelation - and not one I'm quite at liberty to openly talk about here (1. because it's far too complex to explain!!  2. because it's so intensely personal, I honestly don't know if there are words to express how deeply rooted these self-challenges are and why it's become so important for me to find the reasons behind the self-sabotage and hatred that I simply can't get rid of - and how CRAZY strong I feel about finding that inner "me" whose been behind ALL my transformation and choices in the past five and a half years...  I simply didn't acknowledge her before - but she's hell fierce - but VERY hard to find...)

.... as I said, incredibly hard to explain!!   Hard to summarise what a STAND workshop or convention is - those that have experienced it will nod and agree!!  Everyone takes from it what THEY need at the time...   For ME: it was about learning to trust myself, to trust and listen to that driving force inside whose been guiding me this entire way.  To understand that my choices aren't always great, but they're subconsciously made for very good reason.  To trust that the universe is playing its part in my redevelopment too - and whilst it stings like a bitch, for the most part, it's because I'm on the path that I'm SUPPOSED to be on.

... and it doesn't follow anyone else.  It never has.  I've never been a follower, always on my own.  And somehow... "somehow" .... I need to start trusting my 'higher self' that she's doing all this for my betterment. For my future. For my heart. For my freedom.

FREEDOM.   Free from the hideous hatred and subjectivity that I'm STILL feeling despite the weightloss and life changes...  and what I'm STILL trying to fight for, even with the meltdowns, the horrible mood swings, the intense up and down thought processes, the total confusion, the debilitating self-hatred because I 'think' I'm doing something 'wrong' because I keep falling short from what I'm brainwashed to believe is acceptable...   She's still in there, and she's fighting... fighting fighting... for my freedom.   Phew... did I mention intensely personal?!!  ha!

Holy mother of god I'm upside down?!!

Our final challenge of the convention was the "Fear Factor" - four obstacles to test us, see if we could overcome our irrational fears.  Fire eating, trapeze, acrobatics and parkour (jumping off random objects - though ours was aerobic steps, but still just as scary!).  I managed the fire eating, acrobatics (at a push - though I baulked at the thought of breaking someone's legs when they had to hold me up!) - the parkour was hard on my wobbly knees and lack of body-trust jumping between spots... but the trapeze had me whipped.  First attempt, I had a full on panic attack and had to lay on the ground, being told to calm my breathing down (there's that breathing thing again!) - and calm down enough to move onto the next challenge.  ... but it came back around, and I was prompted again - did I want a go?  I kept shaking my head 'no', that 'this body can't do THAT! I used to be nearly 200kgs!!!'....    KNEW if I didn't at least give it a try, I'd resent myself and regret it...

My hands were sweaty, I could barely breathe, and my knees were shaking.  I held onto the trapeze bar - and HUNG off it (a first - I've never held my own bodyweight off a bar!) - then was encouraged to try and swing my legs up.  Yep, managed that part, then nearly lost the plot when my knees were being pulled down from the other side to leverage me up - and I thought they were about to break, the pain shooting through my bad knee joints - had NO option than to pull myself up before I became dismantled at the knee-pivot!

... but I did it - I sat up there on a trapeze - I hyperventilated like a pro - and could barely open my eyes (I'm afraid of heights too, haha)... but I did it!   "Somehow" I managed to get down off that crazy thing, and wobble away to go sit on the ground... and all I remember was saying - for what I didn't realise was out loud - was "FUCK YOU 200KGS!!!"  .. then prompty fell on the ground and cried!  Enter here a handful of nearby ladies who wrapped me up in hugs and told me how awesome that was, haha!!

I'll sidetrack slightly here and give you a glimpse of what I've "seen" behind the scenes of Amy...  When I attended my second SYG (Stand Your Ground) workshop in March, there was a boxing training session at the end of the workshop that had us work ourselves into a state of 'alpha' being - where your brain is sidetracked from the mundane thinking of day to day life, and leaves you alert and aware and "clear".  Afterwards, we were laying on the floor in a guided meditation session - we walk down a hallway, see a door, what material is the door made of, the door handle, when you open the door where are you, what do you see, what do you feel under your feet, walk further into this space and meet "you", talk to you, she has a very special message for you...     When I did this meditation session for the first time, my 'visuals' were so intense - my door was wooden, the handle ornate, I walked into a garden filled with butterflies and flowers and lush grass, and my 'higher self' turned around to tell me "Amy, you are NOT alone!"  I cried.  Tears streaming down the side of my face...   My isolation in my transformation has always been questionable and hurtful for me - and at this particular time, that message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I am NOT alone.

To cap off my experience at the Brisbane convention following the crazy "Fear Factor" challenges - our final yoga and meditation session was going to prove to be the most intense experience of them all (as though the trapeze hadn't just rocketed my socks off!).  My meditation message was equally as important and incredibly powerful as the first one mentioned above from March.  At the end of the guided meditation, when I "opened the door", my higher self ran over to me with an enormous smile on her face, threw her arms around me and told me how incredibly proud of me she was. I am PROUD.

I laid on the floor and sobbed...  I don't know that I've ever truly been proud of myself for what I've achieved. I struggle with this regularly - all the accolades run off me like beads of water on oil - I question their validity because I struggle to believe it myself... it's "only weightloss" in my head.  BUT here was my inner self - my 'true self' - telling me how intensely proud of me she was.  Did that finally mean that had broken through?  Do I finally believe it?!

I left the convention in a whirlwind of emotions - very grateful for the experience - but very very emotional.  It seemed to drive the insatiable questioning in my head now - all these things I've wanted but not believed I deserved - all the conflicting beliefs in my head and heart...  It had me questioning what I was prepared to 'put up with' from outside influences now and made me question if I actually AM strong, or am I actually the substruct of my own creating?!    In any case, "questioning" is good - the upheaval that went with it, maybe not so much... ha!

~ ~ ~ ~

I came 'home' (my new home) very briefly, and felt incredibly isolated, confused and displaced.  Add to this the pressure of pre-birthday issues, and the night before I turned 34 at the beginning of the month, I was in monster breakdown mode... again.  Me and birthdays have never mixed well - and with so much upheaval in my headspace, so much male-oriented rejection, so many 'issues' with my body and the post-surgery gain...  I was in a world of "I'm running out of time!!!" pain, and a birthday was the last thing I needed - it seemed to just rub it in further that I STILL lack so much, and another year has rolled past... and maybe (maybe?!) I'm just a silent bystander in whatever the hell is going on in this 'life' I'm supposed to be leading?!!  I was ANGRY that I'd worked so freaking hard, and still coming up so short - why did I bother trying to do anything at all?!   Why did I bother fighting for my life, when I felt so non-existent anyway??    ... so much anger and frustration here, and it all came to a crashing halt on the night before.   I wasn't suicidal (very removed from those feelings of the past) - but I questioned why I was still here...  and WHY was I still bothering to fight?!   Very hard night, and lots of tears...  but birthdays still happen whether you like it or not - and I still woke up the next day and clicked off another one.  Again.

The next day was far less intense - lots of online messages, a cupcake at work, and a family dinner...  I survived. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A couple of days later, I was back out the door for my next adventure. A mini holiday on the Gold Coast with a bunch of my favourite online friends - but the day I left I seemed to have packed a wretched headcold to come with me, along with some seriously un-dealt-with emotions and a wad of frustration.  It's a wonder the airline didn't charge me excess baggage with how 'heavy' I felt with all these things swirling around my head... !

... but as sick as I was for the start of the holiday, it was probably the overdose of Lemsip, cold & flu tablets and the (err) bottle of wine (I rarely drink!) that sent me into another big breakdown...  Hiding in the bedroom, bawling my eyes out, being counseled by one of my beautiful friends, I blurted out so much of my sobby hurts that it seemed to release me a little...  Something 'unchained' a bit and I could breathe a little more again (ironic, considering my headcold breathing issues!).  

The girls have an uncanny ability of weeding out smiles - they're a very select group of my extensive online network that I've been lucky to have over the years of my transformation - have seen far more of my private ups and downs - and have hearts of gold.  Our little weekender was so very important - not just for me, but for us all.  It reiterated in my crazy little head that I HADN'T totally isolated myself after all, that my choice of friends are genuine and beautiful, and that in itself, reflects on ME - just as I am in this moment in time... and it's GOOD.

My final morning walk - pure bliss!

I walked 7kms along the walking path next to the beach at Surfers Paradise the night before we left... and was up early the following morning to walk another 8kms through the beautiful beach water.  All I could do was breathe in the beautiful fresh air, feel the warm water against my legs...  My head was swirling with "you have to go home and fix things"... though part of me just wanted to walk and walk and walk...  I could happily have just kept walking and not turned back.

... but reality doesn't let you daydream like that!  I turned around and re-traced my steps back to the girls, packed up and left... but not before we hit the coffee shop for one last 'splurge'... !   I left the Coast a little lighter than when I'd arrived, but certainly not in kilos (haha)...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Coming home, I was greeted with my next big challenge... albeit a beautiful one!  My sister was being induced with her over-cooked baby on the Monday - and I left her explicit instructions to hold off having that late-arrival baby until I was home!!   Her little girl arrived the following afternoon, and I'll admit, the whole experience left me in a world of emotions here too...

Somewhere in my head, at some point in the last 15 years, I let myself believe I'd "never have things"...  like a house, travel, relationship, marriage or babies.  I don't exactly know why - though I was pretty damned adamant about it years ago that it'd NEVER happen.  Up until last year, I truly still believed it too...  til 'boys' started to notice me a little more, and the whole facade started to crack a little...  because I DID want those beautiful things, and I resented the fact that I didn't have them.  When all your friends are married, in a relationship, with kids (etc) - it's incredibly hard to be the random odd one out... ALWAYS.  It's even harder when it's your own siblings, and your 7-year-younger sister is bringing the first baby of the family into the world.  It stirred up some pretty intense emotions, and cracked open a wad of self-hatred for being "too ugly, too revolting, too whatever blah blah blah" into my headspace - that it was ME causing my own issues and why I'm the girl that noone wants - and how I'll NEVER get to have any of this...

Before I get told off or chipped about that 'silly thinking' - it seems I have some pretty solid timeframe issues filtering in on top of that 'junk'.   For instance, if I go ahead with another corrective body surgery (and I need multiple...  can't do more than one a year at the very most because of the health implications, cost and the extreme nature of it all - with at least two of them being major surgeries that I simply can't afford - so we're talking YEARS here if I can ever get to them!)...  there's a few more years I've "lost" during transformation.  If I can't find my own self-acceptance in amongst all that, then "how will I be able to let someone else in"...  Big issue right there.  Huge.   But say someone manages to break through that to show me I'm worth being with.. (which hasn't happened....  but maybe, if I'm lucky?! .. they'd have to be pretty bloody special and stubborn, haha)...  we wouldn't be dropping and having babies immediately...  so lose another couple of years there...   suddenly I'm approaching/in my 40s, and maybe babies aren't even an option for a mangled body, after everything I've put it through?!

Teaching baby Abby the fine art of selfies!!

... see, now it becomes really messy and VERY emotional.  Seeing this baby for the first time - I'm living vicariously through my sister for something I may very well never have...    Mother's Day this year became another sticky point for me for that exact same reason.  I'm not even READY for a baby - I'm still in a massive level of self development here - but "what if I never..." filters through my head and I filter nothing but pain.    Ouch.  Stings.  Hurts....  I cried.  Alot.    ... but holding that little girl is amazing - she has this uncanny ability to turn my foul mood on its head, and bring me to tears not from hatred or self-loathing as is so often the case - but because she's so pure and innocent.  She's pure unconditional love...  and I crave that like nothing else.  I eat that up like sprinkles on fairy bread!  She's a week old, and already she's made an impact on me that I can't really explain...    I don't deserve to miss out on that - and I can't hide from it.  She's already broken down my walls...   She speaks to my inner-fighter and they're conspiring... I can tell already that there's 'trouble' ahead!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And to cap it all off - I decided I'd had enough of the confusion and ignorance fueling my emotional distress on the body and weight front - and stepped on the scales for some hardcore accountability.  I'm TIRED of this hurting business.  All these emotions have taken their toll in a massive way - and it's manifested in severe bloating and swelling through my surgical line, and a monster gain on the scales.  I'm now fighting off about 8 kilos of pure self-sabotage, and my body is hating me even more for it...   The physical discomfort I'm going through right now is troublesome, and I'm worried I'm doing damage to my body even more by eating myself into food comas and extending an already tender stomach!  The surgery and infection took a massive toll on my health and headspace, and five months later, I'm STILL fighting it - it's swollen and sore to touch - looks unnatural and I'm faced with making a decision for later this year of going under again to correct the issues.  ... assuming I can bring myself to do that again.

I tried to 'start fresh' on Monday (ha! bloody Monday starts!!), and managed half a day of "ok".  I tried again yesterday, and managed another half a day... and again today.   I questioned whether I should re-commit to another program, then baulked at the prospect of having to "start again"...  I'm SO exhausted with fighting - mentally and physically...

... yet that 'tick tick tick' thing is plaguing me, and if I don't make headway and start counteracting the gain right now, it'll just keep damaging my headspace... right on top of all this amazing huge catastrophe of an emotional mess that's going on right above the waistline!  If I don't step up and take charge, then I'll lose my shit entirely....

I have NEVER given up - I REFUSE to give up.  I have fought over and over, I don't always win... but I don't give up...  

So I will start fresh again tomorrow... and I will start fresh the next day...  until I get through whatever this hideous hateful horrible hurtful thing is - because I KNOW whatever is happening right now is MEANT TO BE HAPPENING.   Everything I'm feeling, everything I'm fighting, every tear is meant to be - this is an intense learning experience going on here - and whatever is driving all this instability is doing it because the Amy that's always been fighting inside, is conspiring for even more.   I've meditatively 'met' her twice now - she's a force - and she's fighting...     She told me I'm not alone, it's time I start believing it..  time to step up and fight WITH her...   

Breathe in... breathe out...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

A little quote I read on a friend's Facebook page today summed it all up for me in one beautiful statement:

Refuse to fall down. If you cannot refuse to fall down, refuse to stay down.
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I refuse to stay down.



 

... unless I'm laying on a pontoon in the sunshine... !!

Two arms and a truckload of baggage

Baggage.  Specifically, “How do you get rid of your excess baggage?" - that was the question I posed to my challenge participants this week.

After suffering a few bristly weeks myself, I thought it would be a good challenge to throw to the masses – something to make them think;  have them assess / reassess and acknowledge a few of the crazy blockages that hit us in this wonderful world of weightloss…

But I knew it wasn’t without a few bumps along the way!   This question was much harder to answer than I anticipated.

Checking in your baggage can be a bit of a rough, bitter-sweet challenge all on its own...  and that's before you even get into the nitty gritty of breaking it down and doing something about it!

Just like the plethora of suitcases available out on the market these days, our baggage comes in all shapes and sizes, all makes and models, and all methods of madness!!   There's no "one size fits all" in this manic side-effect of life, and no one answer to cater for them. 

SO, this is the part where I'm going to tell you that I'm not here to give you lectures, answers, nor pretend that MY methods are the be-all, end-all... they're not!  Nor is my experience with carrying and dispensing of baggage an isolated case (no pun intended, haha) - it's not. I'm just here to tell it like it is - none of this mamby-pamby 'weightloss is wonderful and you'll be forever happy' nonsense - it simply doesn't work that way! 

If things were easy and we didn't need to work on them, then they'd hold little to no value. We value health and happiness - and for that, we must work for it!    Wow, now if only it were THAT simple!!!! 

Nope, with weight issues come A LOT of baggage. Self-esteem and confidence issues, body misconceptions, stereotypes, ill-informed opinions and remarks, nastiness and derogatory statements, unhealthy habits, self-sabotage, negativity in all sorts of forms....  I could go on, but I won't. 

We ALL have issues here - and we're all dealt, and deal, with them differently.  Again, there's no 'one baggage size fits all'. 

Now, I don't know about you, but I only have two arms...  Granted, I've got some seriously awesome shoulders that have been holding up a world of hurt, decades of negativity, and a whole world of self-hatred for the better part of half my life - and hey, they're looking pretty sexy these days with all the weightloss (hahaha)....  but I STILL only have two hands!   There's only so much baggage a girl can carry... 

So what do you do when you get to the point when you simply can't carry more?  What do you do with the stuff that's still dragging behind you, and seriously slowing you down?

I'm no expert here (nor do I proclaim I am) but if you're anything like me, you're a bit of a hoarder. The cupboards are full, there's stuff under the bed, there's things still sitting in bags to give away (but you still haven't managed to take them away yet, 'just incase') and you're still out 'collecting' more. 

So here I am, at the ripe old age of 32, with more sets of luggage on me than even the most seasoned traveler.... and not even one stamp in the passport!!! 

.... and then it hits.  Just when you think you're traveling along fine, you're doing 'ok' lugging all that around with you, something gives - you pull a grief muscle - strain an emotional heart-string - and suddenly it's not so 'fun' anymore being someone who collects all this crap along the way! 

Yup, suddenly you're stuck in the collection depot with a one-way ticket to Breakdown, and not a bloody trolley to help you lug all this with you in sight.   Great. 

.... that's where I found myself the last few weeks.  After a whirlwind of 'new' added to my very huge collection of baggage over the years, it was only a matter of time before I hit the wall, and did myself a 'lugging injury'.  There literally is only so much a girl can carry.... 

Without going into the finer details of who, what, where, when, why (because that's for ME to sit down and sort through) - the process of 'dealing' was brought into the spotlight. Yes, there's a way and means to deal with THE baggage itself, but there's also necessary methods to bring yourself out of the funk that drives you there first, so then you CAN deal with it.  

... and again, no, not all methods are created equal.  What works for one does not necessarily work for another.  What one persons heralds as 'the ultimate answer' doesn't always resonate with somebody else.  We all have our burdens to bear, and we all deal with them in our own ways... 

I'm not about to counsel you here on how to deal with the finer emotional workings of your mind and heart (that's something YOU need to work through - just as *I* need to work through mine)... No, I'm just going to tell you how I bring a little sunshine back into my day, when I feel like all the dark clouds are taking over, and I want to take a hammer to the baggage...!!! 

These are some of MY methods to release the emotions of being weighed down with weightloss and life 'baggage' - and help ease the discomfort and pain.  No, I don't proclaim that they fix the actual problem (that all comes in due course) but they help me get up and keep moving.  These are just methods to ease, NOT cure...

.... and THAT is what you all want to know when I get asked "Amy, just how is it you've done this for so long and not folded?!"....   THIS is why I can do what I do, and continue to keep doing until I don't need to do any more!!   (... and let's face it, this won't ever truly end - this is my new life!)

MUSIC: one of the ultimate weapons in the force against my misery!  I LOVE music. Loud, upbeat, sing-your-guts-out music.  Don't care what genre or artist - if I like it (and I generally do - I'm very eclectic) then I'll listen to it.   If I'm in a really bad way, then I'm sorry neighbours, but we're going even louder, even more upbeat and yes, there WILL BE SINGING.  I'll belt out my melancholy dramatic tunes for a while, release the pain, get my feelings off my chest, sing my agony away....  and when I'm done with the pity-party, it's time to get my HAPPY on...  and that's generally followed by some seriously awesome loungeroom dancing!!  

It heals me.  It changes my focus, it resonates with my soul, and brings a light back into my heart. It doesn't cost anything (aside from purchasing off Itunes!) and you can do that anywhere. You're free to listen to whatever you choose, any old time!  ;) 

MOVIES: I LOVE a good movie - and have been known to just watch them one after the other... if it means I can 'escape' for a while and let myself breathe.  I'm a sucker for a good flick - and bulk of them I'm happy to sit here on my own and devour!   BUT, just as it was on Friday afternoon when I walked into the DVD store...  I needed 'out' - something light and easy!  Nothing dark or depressing (cuz I'm already there).  Skip the romance (there's none in this life, don't need it rubbed in some more).  Avoid things that make you think too much (cuz my brain is overloaded and melancholy enough thank you)...  KIDS MOVIES!!  hahaha....  Yes, they're my 'choice' when I need out.  

I LOVE the heart behind a kid's flick - and I walked out on Friday night with the new Tangled movie (which I loved incidentally) and sat down and watched that with my homemade pizza and sweet potato wedges (that was my way of being rebellious and eating 'takeaway'.... yup, even rebelling against myself, I STILL ate relatively healthy!!!!).   It put a smile on my face, made me laugh, had me awwwwwing in all the right places, and hey, who doesn't love a fairytale right?!!  (yeah yeah, I know...  "get a dose of reality Amy"... PFFT - bugger off!!!  My life has NEVER resembled reality - I'm still waiting for the fairytale to kick in... let a girl live with HOPE!). 

... and as a side note, my jaw dropped when one of the first songs in the movie went a little something like this...  "When will my life begin?"    Yes seriously...  how did they know?!! 

EXERCISE: yeah, don't roll your eyes!!!  As much as we associate exercise as 'work', it's that "after effect" that I'm in love with here. If you feel like crap, exercise - it'll release the happy-hormones, and the feeling of overcoming your emotions, stepping back up in CONTROL and accomplishing what you weren't even willing to bother trying with is a spot-on way of getting the monkey off your back.  

If you can't win, then beat the bloody thing into submission...  Get sweaty!!!   Boxing: beat the living shit out of your demons!  Running: sweat the pig out of your system!  Pump: build your muscles, get strong and tell those bastards to bugger the hell off!    Yup, exercise makes you feisty - and being feisty is empowering. Empowerment is motivating, and motivation gets you results.  You want results, you work for them - get up off your bum and FIGHT! 

CLEAN & ORGANISE: because there's nothing worse than when your mind and heart are scattered, bruised and confused to walk into your home and be bombarded with clutter, mess or 'ick' that just makes you feel worse!   Clear up and clean up - a little bit of structure can really help give you back that sense of 'control' - and that makes dealing with your other bits and pieces a little less hectic.  If that means crying over your overflowing pile of dishes in the sink (like someone over here has been known to do) then DO IT.  OR double-whammy it - loud music AND vacuuming is terribly cathartic!!!  Don't knock it til you try it!  ;) 

Same goes for your work schedules and duties.  Wall charts, diaries and menu plans - know where you're going and you have a hell of a lot more incentive to actually DO THEM and get the results you want.  Even if that means just getting through your very basic list, then so be it - if that's what it takes to start generating more results, then why are you waiting?!

GOAL LIST: this one's a little harder sometimes - particularly if you're struggling to see over the top of your baggage pile...  

Goals are FABULOUS for structure and a 'road map' - but can be very overwhelming and sometimes downright upsetting when you feel like they're slipping further and further away.  I sometimes feel like they're the "X marks the spot" on my pirate map, and just like on the cartoons, the little dotted line that's trying to find that X seems to be going the long way, round in circles, and stopping off at all manner of destinations when that wretched X is still sitting in plain view to the audience!!

But that goals list doesn't HAVE to be big and commandeering. How about breaking it down into sub-goals, mini-mini-goals, or let's face it...  There's a lot to be said about the practical old 'to do' list.  Mine is a big lined lecture notepad where my client jobs, general duties, 'chores' and all manner of things I need to achieve get jotted down.   And because I'm me, they get highlighted off in pink (naturally!) when they're complete. There's a real sense of accomplishment when I can cross an entire page off, full of pink lines, knowing full well I've met other people's expectations, finished MY odd-jobs and I'm already onto a new page following...  

I also schedule my exercise sessions, pre-plan my menus and meals with a scheduled shopping day... and everything else is "on the fly" - based around the fact that I DO have to facilitate time for ME in the mix.  Not always easy, and I know I've struggled a lot with these aspects lately having thrown my entire routine out the window for the benefit of others...  but this was a huge priority MUST DO when I stamped my foot down last week, and said I want my control back.  This is ME controlling MY LIFE.  The outcomes are dependent on me putting in the effort to achieve them.

REWARDS: just as with the goals list, there's no point in having a list of to-do's if you're not willing to reward yourself along the way.  Don't care whether it's because you lose some weight that week, whether you stick to your menu plan 90% that week, whether you did the load of washing that's been sitting in the bathroom for the past fortnight... don't care!  You DO deserve to be rewarded for every positive action you pitch and then deliver in your life.

I'm not saying that means you get to go out and shower yourself in all things shiny (though that's appealing, save it for the big ones!)....  but little rewards and acknowledgements go a really long way.  I've taken to buying little implements for my kitchen - now that I've discovered how much I love to cook and how awesome it is to try new things!  My $2 measuring spoons were a marvel a few weeks ago, and the new $3 grater I bought myself today was because I did my exercise last night, even though I wanted to sit on my couch and throw a tantrum instead... that was my WIN and I deserved to be rewarded for breaking through the negative.  

Needless to say, over the course of the last 3.5 years, I've collected all manner of 'rewards' and tools that help me continue on this insane mission I'm on - none of them have been unwarranted. Some are bigger and more expensive than others, and some were for no other reason than to keep me geared up for the bigger picture ahead...    A little present to yourself goes a long way!

SHOPPING: ... which leads me right into this one!  Not everyone's "cup of tea" or way of releasing baggage, but quite frankly, I find shopping one of my positive tools!   Why?   Because I USED to hate it - despairingly, begrudgingly, blatantly...  I HATED shopping with such a vengeance...   The fact that I am NOT that negatively-geared irked person in a shopping centre now is reward enough!   I shop, because I'm no longer hindered by it...    

It has a dual-purpose for me though.  It MAKES me get out of my house, into a social environment, out of my 'hiding zone' and amongst people.   One of my biggest issues when I'm in a negatively-geared headspace is my ability to switch off the rest of the world and go into hiding (easy to do when you live and work on your own - and have a decade of being a superior hermit already secured in your history).  

This forces me to walk out my door, interact with people (if necessary - granted, you can be equally as lonely in a crowded room...) but it makes me MOVE.  I may feel like hell, but it makes me part of the world.  Whether I like it or not  (and without being too melodramatic....  I'd have preferred NOT) - it forces me out of my funk, switches on the 'happy face' for the benefit of others, and I HAVE to be elsewhere...    It's become one of my assets in the fight against stifling baggage... 

SUPPORT NETWORKS & 'TALK IT OUTS':  not one of my strongest points, and I'll explain why shortly, after all, you'd THINK I'd have this one pegged!

I have a whole network of amazing individuals (forums and social sites alike) that I'm aligned with, who all have similar goals and nuisances with their weightloss.  Their familiarity with my struggles and understanding has - without doubt - had some of the biggest impact on me coming this far on my own in the past few years. Having like-minded individuals prop you up when you're down; when you're faulting everything you do; can't see the light for the big pair of blacked-out goggles on your face; a kind word and a great ear...  these have made a profound impact on me in the last few years.  

I simply didn't realise people existed out there who could understand me the way they do. In fact, I spent over a decade living in the shadow of despair, thinking I literally was alone, and told NOONE of just how hard and bad things were...  THAT is some of the baggage I still carry, still weighs me down - that feeling of isolation has never truly gone away.  I struggle trusting people with my 'issues' - and as such, keep bulk of it hidden well and truly under my belt. Weightloss was one of the foremost issues amongst that 'batch', and the one that I've since been able to take control of...

As you guys know, for three years I went into weightloss mode in dead secret - it was only the online forums that knew what was going on, and that was because they didn't have to see me on a face-to-face basis.  I didn't trust anyone enough to tell them what I was trying to do - nor did I trust myself to accomplish this insane task I'd set out to achieve.  In my mind, failure was the only outcome and I wasn't prepared for yet another public humiliation...  

So you can imagine my surprise when I started opening up to these online strangers.  My history with internet people is rocky at best (I've been burnt before) and my lack of social skills "in real life" leaves a lot to be desired.  Finding connections with people through the internet has been a godsend for me - bouncing ideas, inspirations, successes, triumphs, heartbreaks, frustrations... and friendship  - THEY have been some of my saving graces.   ... and I don't say that lightly. 

I have formed some of THE most amazing true friendships from people hidden behind a computer screen.  These people, I'd do anything for... and it's returned.  I have a massive network of 'Amy supporters' at my disposal now too - who far outweigh the few blips that I've encountered along the way (note: the previous blog post!!!).  The HUGE support from you guys has been mind-blowing, and it shocks me just what an impact that has on ME on a daily basis.  I am truly humbled by that - and it strengthens and allows me to stand up and stay true to what I'm trying to do here, when I'd prefer to run away and hide...  

Having the capacity to talk through your issues with people who truly care is one of THE most amazing feelings in the world - particularly for a girl who simply couldn't voice any of them for the better part of half her life.  It's not always possible for someone to seek impartial help (counsellor, psych, etc) - whilst they ARE there for a reason, sometimes you need something more - that element of true, pure friendship and genuine care - that a "professional" simply can't deliver.   Sometimes it's a simple hug from a trusted friend that completely out-plays a session on a couch with a stranger...

Now, don't get me wrong here.  Professional counselling has its place - and as I've been reminded (a lot) lately, it's an avenue to actually help FIX the baggage and facilitate change where it's necessary.... and I'm all thumbs up and 'let's give it a try' if that's what you're ready to do (in fact, I encourage it). 

But I'm not talking about FIXING the actual root problems here (that's a WHOLE other story) - I'm just talking about methods to dispense the emotional pull of the baggage... "lightening the load" in the interim so you can get up off your butt and get through your day!     Counseling and professional sit-downs aren't everyone's cup of tea, and let's face it, if you're SO excruciatingly baggaged down that you're incapable of moving into that zone... then you're kinda stuffed.  

... and me being the kind of girl I am (and not in a zone ready to tackle the 'professional' stranger talks yet)... that genuine, caring support network is literally like my lifeline.   There's more worth in those words online from people who truly understand than you guys can ever imagine - I value it greatly, and attribute my success (in part) to having someone let me 'talk it out' with them, when ordinarily I simply would not. 


RE-ESTABLISHING SELF-WORTH: as one of the biggest methods for throwing off the negatives, it's one of the MUST DO's when I'm feeling extremely down on myself. With all the self-doubt and negative self-talk, it's a MUST for me to break that cycle - and it's not enough just to think it.

I literally get up off my bum, do my hair and makeup (even more important if I have nowhere to go) and present the version of me TO MYSELF that I want to see, and believe I can be. It might sound silly to some, but a new hair colour, doing my nails, doing my makeup and sitting here in good clothes can actually be a huge catalyst for breaking the downward spiral.  I don't NEED to show anyone else - it's ME who needs to feel and see it.

I've lost count of how many times this one has worked - and after the few weeks of negatives I've had lately, the hair colour is sitting here on my table, my nails are bare ready for the new polish, and I'll be sitting here in a face mask shortly...  because I'm worth a hell of a lot more than toxic self-inflicted voices telling me I don't deserve to feel beautiful.  This is me telling ME I'm worth the time and effort....   

TALK IS CHEAP: and words and empty promises won't actually help you. Don't just tell yourself what you'd "like to do", cut the excuses and just bloody DO IT!  

(That's the one that comes out after I've had a good cry, had a shower and washed it away, replenished with a chug of fresh water and had enough of the pity party!!!  Sometimes you've just got to get a little brutal and quit the wallowing...) 

So there you have it guys. These are just a few of "Amy's Baggage Methods" that I've found work to ease the load when it's all getting a little too heavy. We ALL have issues and hurts - and for the most part, we carry them pretty well!    .. it's just sometimes it all gets too much, and you need to have the tools that work for you "ready and waiting" so you can kick back into gear. 

I'm no different to anyone else.  Just because I've been at this weightloss thing for the long-term and kicked some kilos along the way, didn't mean I left all my excruciatingly heavy bags somewhere along the way!   Far from it actually. 

I'm still very fragile (as I've discovered the past two weeks) and still suffering some serious past haunts (which I thought I'd put well and truly under lock and key in the storage facilities.... oops!)... and having thrown my entire life into a new chapter that I never foresaw, you can imagine how much new stuff got thrown into the mix!  I have new baggage now, that still have the freaking labels attached!!!     (... much like my wardrobe, hahaha)  - and that's all piled right on top of the old stuff!

I 'deal' as I need to deal - it is what it is.  I take full accountability for all the baggage I've checked in - I'm not about to leave half of it lying around waiting for someone else to pick it up or sort it out - that's for ME to do, and I WILL do it in good time...    I know what's there, I'm very much in tune with what it is and how it's ended up there - and when I'm ready, I'll start "bag and tagging it" and trying to figure out if I need it any more.  Some will stay, some of it won't ever go...  but that's ok.   You don't have a 'full life' without collecting some things along the way, right?   Not everything is "throw away" in this society - some of it has its place, whether we like it or not - and it's there for a reason...  if not only to remind you of where you've been and what you've gone through...  and make you appreciate the difference when you change things later.

I make NO APOLOGIES for my baggage, it makes me who I am.  So if I have a few extra bags to add to my collection along the way, so be it - it only serves to make me stronger.  I'll sort it when the time comes and make room for the next batch...  and if I play my cards right, eventually the bags will get smaller, and the LIFE EXPERIENCES I've taken from these will start overflowing my pockets instead...   that's the goal!