"You shine when you smile"

So this morning I was supposed to be up on Mount Panorama, doing a lap with the other 12WBTer local ladies... a meet & greet, get together, sweat-session that I bailed on, because I came crashing down off my enthusiasm cloud last night...

I was all set to go - geared up and ready to meet them, then minute after minute last night, things just got progressively worse. Always happens that way, I'm fine, then I just 'decline'...  Doesn't take much to spark it these days (if anything) - but just gets worse and worse... to the point where you have a death-grip on your phone in the middle of the night, just willing someone (anyone) to send you a message just to show you exist, and end up crying yourself to sleep instead.  Again.

Don't really know what my point to this blog post is today - if any - I'm just fatigued with it all. The constant self-berating and questioning that goes on because things aren't "falling into place" the way I envisaged they would when I lost the weight... is grating on me to the core, again.

I always imagined that I'd be 'happy' when I got down to about a size 16...  I mean, it seemed like such a pipedream when I was a whopping size 34+  To be half my size, in my head, meant I must look better, feel better, be more confident, be happier, be sexy even?! ... but I can honestly say I barely scrape the surface on ANY of those traits...

I can't handle what my body looks like right now - I keep circling the subject and not really telling it "how it is" because I'm too ashamed to admit to it...  but the excess skin I have carrying around makes me feel REVOLTING. I've NEVER felt this foul in my life - even at nearly 200kilos, barely being able to walk or breathe (or do anything for that matter) - riddled with so much self-hatred and disgust... it didn't feel the way it does NOW. I feel like a deflated old wrinkly balloon, my arms, legs, belly, neck, boobs... everything... just wobbles and hangs. I'm a 32 year old woman, and I feel like a revolting piece of skin on legs.... I'm fit and athletic underneath it all, but when I look in the mirror, all I see is this disgusting body that NOONE would ever want...  cuz noone ever has...

... so I shut my mouth and don't say a word - cuz when I DO, I get told off...  "Amy, everyone has that!"   ... well no, they don't. There's not exactly a walking conga line of ex-190kgs women out there, parading their excessive jiggly bits around to make me feel better about myself?!!

But it's not even that. If I get down to the crux of the matter, it's pretty simple. It's just not one that I've brought myself to talk about too much.... cuz quite frankly, I'm embarrassed. It's just who in their right mind would want a girl that looks like I do? I don't have a partner who "loved me at my heaviest" to make me believe I was worth something 'before' - and I don't have anything to tell me that I'm 'ok' in THIS skin either...

How do you break the cycle of self-loathing when no-one wants you?!   How do you believe that you're worth something to anyone when you have nothing to validate that?    ...and before someone yells at me (AGAIN) or starts spieling off that "there's someone for everyone" out there...  well, I can't stop you doing that, I gave up trying to explain this ages ago. I can't explain why I'm so broken with this one...  It's RARE that I come across someone who truly understands how it feels to be the girl that got left behind...  EVERYONE else seems to have partners, significant others, friends, HISTORY and experience that makes me so very envious...  Their 'other half' who still loves them, flaws and all... they just don't understand how truly envious I am of that...

It used to be that I assumed it was my weight that was the reason people didn't want to know me - why guys didn't see me - and why it was just easier for me to hide away and be a hermit. You can't shame yourself more if you're not seen, right?    ... but that only works to kill your social skills off completely and destroy any semblance of 'life' that you thought you had.  Been there, done that, hated it, still have the scars...

So now, half the size I was... I'm trying to rebuild from scratch. Trying to be a "normal 32 year old" amongst all the others who have "life experience" that I've only ever imagined (literally... me and my raging imagination - that's all I've got). They're married, they have kids, they have social circles and adventures. They work and shop and talk... and I watch, and I'm just SO envious cuz I have to FIGHT every freaking day to push myself to do those things that people take for granted....  I'm NOT naturally social - I'm NOT a natural talker - and up until very recently, I was totally INVISIBLE to men (ironic considering how enormous I was) - and I have NO CLUE how to make it less painful, except to just push and push and push myself to try and make it better...

... and granted, yes, it's slowly working. I'm not as shy as I used to be, I can actually look someone in the eye (for the most part, but far out it takes some effort)... and I now KNOW I'm a good person inside, so I SHOULD be worth talking to, right?!

... so why do I feel so NOTHING all the time?!  Why am I riddled with this horrible loneliness that just engulfs my whole body and strangles me so much from the inside... ?  WHY can't I have just a taste of all the things that other people seem to have, without having to fight to breathe every single fucking day?!!  ('scuse my French).

I would give ANYTHING to have just one night with someone's arms wrapped around me who knows how much I need that... to know what it felt like to be wanted properly... to hear the words "I love you Amy..." ...god, I'd sell my soul for that...

I CAN handle being the invisible girl - hell I did it for 99% of my life - I know how to be that, inside and out. It's not good, but I can handle it.   .... but this getting smaller and increased attention thing is really doing my head in...   It's SO superficial, and so not real.  The people I AM attracting, I don't feel the same about them - it's not mutual - it's so rare for me to feel a connection with anyone, cuz I've spent too long making sure I never did. The rare couple of times I've found someone I really like, and they seem to like me (?), I've lost them because of my fucked up insecurities!   (... there goes my French again).

Instead, I get the "You're a nice girl Amy, you're funny, smart, beautiful.... but.... "   I KNOW I'm insecure, but how the hell do you break that when there's noone willing to help you break that?!  How do I let someone in, when they don't have the strength to contend with me pushing against it?  I can't win. 

I used to believe I made people physically ill if they touched me - it was so ingrained in my head that I would automatically flinch if someone even so much as remotely touch my shoulder or hand. I know I'd offend and upset people even if I COULD find the words to explain how I saw it in my head, so I won't...     SO, forget hugs - that would nearly make me run for cover.... and rule out ANY form of relationship (see aforementioned "rare to find someone I'm attracted to who doesn't do a runner" clause above).    It's taken me the last couple of years of repeatedly FORCING myself NOT to flinch, to try and fix that bullshit thinking, so that I can have just the tiniest bit of humility for basic human touch left in me....  because what's the point in life if you don't have basic human touch?  If you can't give or receive hugs?  If you don't have love?

... so how the HELL do I let someone get even closer when I'm fighting all this fucked up thinking, AND a revolting dead-balloon body... AND men who favour someone whose confident in their skin?!    I'm seriously screwed...


Finding myself running away from people who show any interest now - socially or romantically - cuz I'm too scared of being rejected over and over and over some more...  I don't know that I have the energy to fight the hurt anymore...  When I DO find someone I like, I lose them because of my insecurities (not because I'm not a good person, or how I look, or all the stupid things I USED to believe killed it...)  - it's because I don't know how to BE ME in this body and my head is so wonky, I scare them away...   WTF am I supposed to do?!!    How do you fight against this when you just need someone to push through to help?!  How do you find self-validation when there's nothing external to help prove your flawed thinking wrong?  I'm going around and around in circles...

I got told the other day that "maybe you should just wait until you have your surgery, so you feel better about yourself"... and he was right, to a point. I probably WILL have a false-confidence when I don't feel so revolting in my skin - but whose got a spare $50grand up their sleeves to get that done first?!

... and how do I stop this hideous loneliness from breaking me EVERY SINGLE DAY in the meantime?!   It was nearly my undoing before I lost the weight, but that was self-inflicted so I had less people to hurt when I just disappeared...  but NOW, when I need that interaction the most, to prove to myself that I'm worth being here, I keep messing it up?!!

God, how do I fix this mess?!  How many more nights am I going to cry myself to sleep, or hide away because I can't handle what's going on?!   WHY is this all so fucking hard?!!!  Lose weight - get healthy - get happy - get a life?!  THAT was how it was supposed to be...  !!!

This is just screwed.... and there's not a damn thing I can do to fix it except fight, and fight, and fight. I just wish I knew it was worth it...

* * * * * *

I wasn't going to post this blog entry cuz clearly I wasn't in a very good frame of mind when I wrote it...   and why would I want EVERYONE to know I'm NOT ok?!

... but that's the reality of what's going on.  You go from being a girl that wanted to end her life because she believed she was worthless, to someone whose fighting tooth and nail to piece it all back together - and fighting this mammoth list of insecurities because of it... often, with very little return. 

THIS is what the 'glamour' before and after weightloss bullshit DOESN'T tell you. I fight this stuff constantly - the loneliness has never gutted me so much as it does right now - and it's only because I actually HAVE some new-found self-worth and know I don't deserve this!  I don't deserve a lifetime of loneliness, that's how it's been "so far" and what I THOUGHT would change ... but the rejections lately, and the hideous mental games I'm having because of it, fighting off my demons over and over... I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

... if I COULD believe in all the things I keep getting told (the "it'll happen for you too", "there's someone out there for everyone", "you'll find someone who doesn't care about the skin"... etc etc etc... I've heard them ALL)... then I wouldn't be crying myself to sleep every other night.

... and yet, the dreamer in me is still in there, I know she is, because part of me is still waiting for that guy who DOES see me for me, and DOES have the courage to hold my hand when I'm trying to run away, and help me be the better version of myself...   (I don't know if that's ridiculous wishful thinking or not though...).

I got told yesterday "you shine when you smile"... and it was one of the most beautiful things I've heard.   ...but I feel like such a fraud when I'm just hurting so much underneath it...  Maybe that's what sparked the decline last night - not the beautiful compliment, but because it's ME whose tearing myself apart from the inside...

That's the reality of it. It's all a part of my transition, and as hurt as I am, there's nothing I can do about avoiding it. There's no point pretending this stuff doesn't exist - and acknowledgement forms part of having the courage and ability to fix it... 

So I post...

Fighting the gamut of emotions...

If someone (anyone) tells you that weightloss is ONLY about food and exercise... then slap them up the side of the head for me and tell them "they're dreaming!".

It's not.

In all my 3.5+ years of doing this, I have NEVER felt so up and down emotionally as I do right now...  but why?!  That's the question I'm not entirely sure I know how to answer...

I KNEW at the beginning that I was embarking on something "life changing" - literally. I don't make light of that, nor say it tongue-in-cheek...  My entire life HAD to change - I wasn't allowed to put myself into that grave like I wanted, therefore it HAD to change.... and I had absolutely no idea then just what that meant or how the hell I was actually going to do it...  Blind faith, it just happened.

I think I 'assumed' that when I shrunk, that my little world would just somehow magically open up - that birds would fly around my head and chirp melodies of pure happiness!  That all my "dreams" (whatever the hell they were?!) would just sprout out of nowhere, without effort or consequence, and I'd be transformed from the 'broken girl in the invisible cloak' into this "vision" of supreme awesomeness, beams of light floating through the ceiling and hitting my cheeks!

... well, not quite...   but I DID think that things would just "fall into place".  Somehow. 

The last few months have proven testament that THIS IS NOT THE CASE.  Weightloss success aside (in which I'm acutely modest, I don't 'see' the hype about it myself - I still haven't finished and things aren't "glowing with the after-effects of pure sunshiney happiness") - there's been so many changes the last few years, that it makes my head spin. This year alone has been so fast-tracked with changes, that I'm almost nauseous just trying to catch up!

I'm finding myself questioning EVERYTHING. Why did I do this, why didn't I do that... Why can't I have this, what happened to that... I look in the mirror and I'm disappointed - not because of what I see (the physical changes are there, I look much better, not perfect, but better)... and 90% of the time I SEE it in my eyes how much better it truly is...  But then you hit a patch like I am hovering in at the moment, and that 10% of doubt rears its ugly head. Taking a really deep look into your own eyes, you realise you're still... Empty. Longing. Broken.

I loathe being broken.

That to me says "you need fixing" - and hellllooooooo isn't that what I've been doing for the past 195 weeks for crying out loud?!    Fixing myself - one kilo at a time. One workout at a time. One tear-jerking, heart-wrenching, breakdown at a time...

Yes I have.

Fixing myself... for 'everything'.

There's reason for everything. I know this. Do I want to admit to it and acknowledge it... (in the headspace I'm in right now, hell no!!) - but it's true.

My 'everything' is what makes me get up each day and try.  Some days I try harder - some days I don't try at all...  it all evens out in the end though, right?!  I've been trying and working, fixing and healing for 3.5 years now...

So WHY am I so upset NOW?!  Why do I feel as empty and hurt as I did 'before' all these changes came into play?!   Not looking to answer these questions - they're just questions!!  Like I said before, everything happens for a reason,  and sometimes questions are just questions... !


Finding myself 'stifled' at the moment - torn between feeling like I deserve things to have "fallen into place" from 3.5 years of severely focused, very commited changes...  to knowing full well my 'everything' will only happen when I step up and make it that way - and even then, that'll change as time progresses anyway!   Just like I wrote in my 'goalposts' blog - I don't WANT to catch up with my goals - I want them to be forever changing and always ahead of me.  IT MAKES ME MOVE FORWARD. 

... but I'm struggling.  I'm tired and I'm lonely.

It's funny, for 3 years I chipped away at my weightloss slowly, and in secret.  Noone "in real life" (outside of the forums) knew what I was doing - least of all what numbers were ahead of me or just how all-consuming the pain truly was beneath the surface.  I didn't tell anyone - I couldn't.  How do you explain something that "those who don't understand" would assume was self-inflicted and I deserved nothing less?!   Secrecy and solitude it was - was just "easier" that way.

This year is proving to be something entirely different. I'm no longer "the invisible fat girl" - in more ways than I can account for.  My 'secret' isn't a secret anymore - it's splashed right here all over my blog, on my website, over Facebook... I have hundreds of people who read my words and gain momentum to empower themselves from what I say (and I LOVE THAT - it's the sole reason I'm doing this)...  it's opened my world up.

I opened a door, stuck my head outside and said 'Hello, I'm Amy!'.  It changed the course of my changes... and those changes have changed my life.  It makes my head spin!

With that, came the introduction of a self-confidence I didn't see coming...  but even more profound, was the self-worth that grew with it.  I now appreciate who I am, what I've done and why I've done it.   THAT is worth everything to me.  THAT is what will keep my feet planted on the ground, even when my heart is breaking, I'm questioning everything, when I feel like I'm failing...

I.am.worth.EVERYTHING.  My 'everything'.


It just doesn't feel like it at the moment, I'm struggling to deal with all the changes I've put into place.  Trying to push past concrete boundaries I set for myself years ago thinking I didn't deserve happiness, and it'd just be "easier" if I barricaded myself up?!

My head and heart are at loggerheads at the moment...  All my old 'haunts' are having a field-day with my emotions!!  I keep forgetting just how bad I used to think about myself - when you're too busy pushing forward and making (and dealing with) new changes... I forget just what self-inflicted hell I used to put myself through. Til it happens that it comes up again... and it stirs up a wad of emotions!

Like the fact I believed I was too repulsive to be hugged - actually believed I made people physically (and violently) ill if they touched me.  So stopped letting people touch me.  No hugs, no nothing. I'd flinch and pull away, or just avoid entirely.  Entire avoidance in EVERYTHING is something I'm really good at (it saves on humiliation later)...  And yet when I was hugged recently, I wanted to crawl into their lap and close my eyes, and just have them hold me forever cuz I was just so overwhelmed with how much that meant to me in that moment...  I am NOT the same girl I used to be.

Socialising and relationships were something on my 'list' that were going to come into play eventually - after I dealt with some of the other stuff first.....  Came under the "too hard basket" for the first three years - after all, my reasoning was "you can't make someone want you" so I negated that aspect of my life changes. Easier to just stay solitary - though there's nothing good or 'easy' about solitude, it rips my heart right out of its socket.

... up until now.  The other week, I threw my hands up in the air and said I've had enough of the weightloss!  It was doing my head in - the scales had had their time and NOW I NEEDED MORE - and said now I want the LIFE that I'd been putting 'on-hold' while I got healthy...  I wanted all the things I'd been hiding away from, because I DESERVE them now. 

I wasn't wrong... I DO want all those things - but was I ready for it?!!  Enter here the Universe, in all its crazy, confusing glory - who heard me shout it out there and has hit me with all sorts of challenges since!

It seems I came out from under the invisibility cloak, and got a little attention - real stuff.  The real stuff I'm aching for ...but I'm flinching. I'm emotional and I'm feeling VERY overwhelmed.

I got told the other day 'Amy, you need to deal with your past before you can handle being with someone' - and they weren't wrong.  The thing is, I've made peace with my past - it's the past 15-years of mental hell and 'nothingness' that I'm fast-tracking back through to "catch up with everyone else" that is proving problematical.

I'm having meltdowns and breakthroughs all at once.  I'm finding new things about myself I didn't know - new grievances and new acceptances.  I'm growing by the minute - filling that inconspicuous void inside that sometimes just wants to strangle me from within.  I'm not the girl I used to be, and my past isn't dictating my actions (not entirely - influencing yes, making me hesitate and reevaluate, yes.. but not dictating entirely).  It's all part of my changes... and it's all happening for a reason.

Gamut of emotions... !!!   One minute I'm up, the next I'm back down.  Feel like a hypocrite half the time - I'm happy, but I'm still sad.  I'm excited, but I'm plagued with fear.  I'm 'out there', but I'm still hiding.  I'm surrounded by people, but I'm insanely lonely.  I'm totally, undeniably stubborn and committed, and yet I'm insecure.  I'm clearly ridiculously complex, and yet it's all so very simple.

I'm EVERYTHING, but I feel like I'm nothing.

No, I'm not nothing...  I.AM.EVERYTHING.   (breathe...)


I got to this chapter of my changes and KNEW it was going to be some of the hardest to handle yet - and I wasn't wrong.  Anything to do with the heart was going to prove gutt-wrenching, vomit-worthy and internally-strangulating!!!   I WANT my life - I want the everything that goes with it - adventures, career, family.  I want to love and to be loved in return, my heart is aching for it.   I crave those freaking hugs like I need air... feel like I'm suffocating cuz I'm holding back from throwing myself on everyone who comes within a few metres of me!!    I want the partner I've never had, someone to help me grow and share all this amazing life-stuff with...  I want happiness.   ... and I finally believe I deserve it.

... but if I hear 'Amy, there's someone out there for everyone' OR 'It'll happen when you least expect it' OR 'You have to love yourself first before someone else can love you' one more freaking time... I'll ring their bloody neck!   If it was that simple, then I wouldn't be so torn!    Back to the 'you can't make someone want you' philosophy, riddled with the fact that I AM deserving of all things love and beautiful, and yet I'm struggling to find someone who can cut through my crap, handle the emotions and let me heal - all while I'm desperately trying to hold back from suffocating them with everything I want to give that's been brewing like a lava-pit inside - because that's just how I am?! 

My god... battle in my head much?!!  ... So I'm back to sheer avoidance, because I can't handle the hurt of not having what I so desperately need.  To heal.  To live.  Life isn't life without people in it to share it...


Feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall, repeatedly...  TRYING to overcome all the things that hold me back... be "a better version of myself"...  all the time knowing I ALREADY AM a better version of me.   ... and yet I'm still lacking.

Everything happens for a reason.  The gamut of emotions are here to teach me that too.  All I can do is breathe and keep moving, and have that blind faith that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in the course of all these changes.   Might have been the girl who got left behind, but if I stop long enough to recognise what it is I've done, I'd realise that I'm so much more advanced than I give myself credit for.

... just need to stop pushing the beautiful things away, and push through the boundaries some more... and step up and BE that "vision" with the sun streaming through the window, bouncing off my hair and making beautiful shadows against the wall...  !!! 

I guess to answer that question at the beginning about 'why' all this happens... it's as simple (or as complex!) as this.  In the creation of a better version of Amy, without the questions, there'd be no reason...  I have EVERY reason now, therefore I'll continue to question...


Dr Seuss would be proud, no?!  haha...    SIGH!

More tears and breakthroughs ahead...  ugh!  Give me strength...