"You shine when you smile"

So this morning I was supposed to be up on Mount Panorama, doing a lap with the other 12WBTer local ladies... a meet & greet, get together, sweat-session that I bailed on, because I came crashing down off my enthusiasm cloud last night...

I was all set to go - geared up and ready to meet them, then minute after minute last night, things just got progressively worse. Always happens that way, I'm fine, then I just 'decline'...  Doesn't take much to spark it these days (if anything) - but just gets worse and worse... to the point where you have a death-grip on your phone in the middle of the night, just willing someone (anyone) to send you a message just to show you exist, and end up crying yourself to sleep instead.  Again.

Don't really know what my point to this blog post is today - if any - I'm just fatigued with it all. The constant self-berating and questioning that goes on because things aren't "falling into place" the way I envisaged they would when I lost the weight... is grating on me to the core, again.

I always imagined that I'd be 'happy' when I got down to about a size 16...  I mean, it seemed like such a pipedream when I was a whopping size 34+  To be half my size, in my head, meant I must look better, feel better, be more confident, be happier, be sexy even?! ... but I can honestly say I barely scrape the surface on ANY of those traits...

I can't handle what my body looks like right now - I keep circling the subject and not really telling it "how it is" because I'm too ashamed to admit to it...  but the excess skin I have carrying around makes me feel REVOLTING. I've NEVER felt this foul in my life - even at nearly 200kilos, barely being able to walk or breathe (or do anything for that matter) - riddled with so much self-hatred and disgust... it didn't feel the way it does NOW. I feel like a deflated old wrinkly balloon, my arms, legs, belly, neck, boobs... everything... just wobbles and hangs. I'm a 32 year old woman, and I feel like a revolting piece of skin on legs.... I'm fit and athletic underneath it all, but when I look in the mirror, all I see is this disgusting body that NOONE would ever want...  cuz noone ever has...

... so I shut my mouth and don't say a word - cuz when I DO, I get told off...  "Amy, everyone has that!"   ... well no, they don't. There's not exactly a walking conga line of ex-190kgs women out there, parading their excessive jiggly bits around to make me feel better about myself?!!

But it's not even that. If I get down to the crux of the matter, it's pretty simple. It's just not one that I've brought myself to talk about too much.... cuz quite frankly, I'm embarrassed. It's just who in their right mind would want a girl that looks like I do? I don't have a partner who "loved me at my heaviest" to make me believe I was worth something 'before' - and I don't have anything to tell me that I'm 'ok' in THIS skin either...

How do you break the cycle of self-loathing when no-one wants you?!   How do you believe that you're worth something to anyone when you have nothing to validate that?    ...and before someone yells at me (AGAIN) or starts spieling off that "there's someone for everyone" out there...  well, I can't stop you doing that, I gave up trying to explain this ages ago. I can't explain why I'm so broken with this one...  It's RARE that I come across someone who truly understands how it feels to be the girl that got left behind...  EVERYONE else seems to have partners, significant others, friends, HISTORY and experience that makes me so very envious...  Their 'other half' who still loves them, flaws and all... they just don't understand how truly envious I am of that...

It used to be that I assumed it was my weight that was the reason people didn't want to know me - why guys didn't see me - and why it was just easier for me to hide away and be a hermit. You can't shame yourself more if you're not seen, right?    ... but that only works to kill your social skills off completely and destroy any semblance of 'life' that you thought you had.  Been there, done that, hated it, still have the scars...

So now, half the size I was... I'm trying to rebuild from scratch. Trying to be a "normal 32 year old" amongst all the others who have "life experience" that I've only ever imagined (literally... me and my raging imagination - that's all I've got). They're married, they have kids, they have social circles and adventures. They work and shop and talk... and I watch, and I'm just SO envious cuz I have to FIGHT every freaking day to push myself to do those things that people take for granted....  I'm NOT naturally social - I'm NOT a natural talker - and up until very recently, I was totally INVISIBLE to men (ironic considering how enormous I was) - and I have NO CLUE how to make it less painful, except to just push and push and push myself to try and make it better...

... and granted, yes, it's slowly working. I'm not as shy as I used to be, I can actually look someone in the eye (for the most part, but far out it takes some effort)... and I now KNOW I'm a good person inside, so I SHOULD be worth talking to, right?!

... so why do I feel so NOTHING all the time?!  Why am I riddled with this horrible loneliness that just engulfs my whole body and strangles me so much from the inside... ?  WHY can't I have just a taste of all the things that other people seem to have, without having to fight to breathe every single fucking day?!!  ('scuse my French).

I would give ANYTHING to have just one night with someone's arms wrapped around me who knows how much I need that... to know what it felt like to be wanted properly... to hear the words "I love you Amy..." ...god, I'd sell my soul for that...

I CAN handle being the invisible girl - hell I did it for 99% of my life - I know how to be that, inside and out. It's not good, but I can handle it.   .... but this getting smaller and increased attention thing is really doing my head in...   It's SO superficial, and so not real.  The people I AM attracting, I don't feel the same about them - it's not mutual - it's so rare for me to feel a connection with anyone, cuz I've spent too long making sure I never did. The rare couple of times I've found someone I really like, and they seem to like me (?), I've lost them because of my fucked up insecurities!   (... there goes my French again).

Instead, I get the "You're a nice girl Amy, you're funny, smart, beautiful.... but.... "   I KNOW I'm insecure, but how the hell do you break that when there's noone willing to help you break that?!  How do I let someone in, when they don't have the strength to contend with me pushing against it?  I can't win. 

I used to believe I made people physically ill if they touched me - it was so ingrained in my head that I would automatically flinch if someone even so much as remotely touch my shoulder or hand. I know I'd offend and upset people even if I COULD find the words to explain how I saw it in my head, so I won't...     SO, forget hugs - that would nearly make me run for cover.... and rule out ANY form of relationship (see aforementioned "rare to find someone I'm attracted to who doesn't do a runner" clause above).    It's taken me the last couple of years of repeatedly FORCING myself NOT to flinch, to try and fix that bullshit thinking, so that I can have just the tiniest bit of humility for basic human touch left in me....  because what's the point in life if you don't have basic human touch?  If you can't give or receive hugs?  If you don't have love?

... so how the HELL do I let someone get even closer when I'm fighting all this fucked up thinking, AND a revolting dead-balloon body... AND men who favour someone whose confident in their skin?!    I'm seriously screwed...


Finding myself running away from people who show any interest now - socially or romantically - cuz I'm too scared of being rejected over and over and over some more...  I don't know that I have the energy to fight the hurt anymore...  When I DO find someone I like, I lose them because of my insecurities (not because I'm not a good person, or how I look, or all the stupid things I USED to believe killed it...)  - it's because I don't know how to BE ME in this body and my head is so wonky, I scare them away...   WTF am I supposed to do?!!    How do you fight against this when you just need someone to push through to help?!  How do you find self-validation when there's nothing external to help prove your flawed thinking wrong?  I'm going around and around in circles...

I got told the other day that "maybe you should just wait until you have your surgery, so you feel better about yourself"... and he was right, to a point. I probably WILL have a false-confidence when I don't feel so revolting in my skin - but whose got a spare $50grand up their sleeves to get that done first?!

... and how do I stop this hideous loneliness from breaking me EVERY SINGLE DAY in the meantime?!   It was nearly my undoing before I lost the weight, but that was self-inflicted so I had less people to hurt when I just disappeared...  but NOW, when I need that interaction the most, to prove to myself that I'm worth being here, I keep messing it up?!!

God, how do I fix this mess?!  How many more nights am I going to cry myself to sleep, or hide away because I can't handle what's going on?!   WHY is this all so fucking hard?!!!  Lose weight - get healthy - get happy - get a life?!  THAT was how it was supposed to be...  !!!

This is just screwed.... and there's not a damn thing I can do to fix it except fight, and fight, and fight. I just wish I knew it was worth it...

* * * * * *

I wasn't going to post this blog entry cuz clearly I wasn't in a very good frame of mind when I wrote it...   and why would I want EVERYONE to know I'm NOT ok?!

... but that's the reality of what's going on.  You go from being a girl that wanted to end her life because she believed she was worthless, to someone whose fighting tooth and nail to piece it all back together - and fighting this mammoth list of insecurities because of it... often, with very little return. 

THIS is what the 'glamour' before and after weightloss bullshit DOESN'T tell you. I fight this stuff constantly - the loneliness has never gutted me so much as it does right now - and it's only because I actually HAVE some new-found self-worth and know I don't deserve this!  I don't deserve a lifetime of loneliness, that's how it's been "so far" and what I THOUGHT would change ... but the rejections lately, and the hideous mental games I'm having because of it, fighting off my demons over and over... I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

... if I COULD believe in all the things I keep getting told (the "it'll happen for you too", "there's someone out there for everyone", "you'll find someone who doesn't care about the skin"... etc etc etc... I've heard them ALL)... then I wouldn't be crying myself to sleep every other night.

... and yet, the dreamer in me is still in there, I know she is, because part of me is still waiting for that guy who DOES see me for me, and DOES have the courage to hold my hand when I'm trying to run away, and help me be the better version of myself...   (I don't know if that's ridiculous wishful thinking or not though...).

I got told yesterday "you shine when you smile"... and it was one of the most beautiful things I've heard.   ...but I feel like such a fraud when I'm just hurting so much underneath it...  Maybe that's what sparked the decline last night - not the beautiful compliment, but because it's ME whose tearing myself apart from the inside...

That's the reality of it. It's all a part of my transition, and as hurt as I am, there's nothing I can do about avoiding it. There's no point pretending this stuff doesn't exist - and acknowledgement forms part of having the courage and ability to fix it... 

So I post...