Farewell 2011, you awesome thing you!

Sitting here reading all the "happy to see the end of 2011" messages on my Facebook friends statuses, I have to admit, I have a few mixed feelings about this.  It's 7.30pm on December 31st, and up until now, I was ok to see the back end of it too...  but then I started thinking...

Seeing the year draw to a close, I'm left pondering just what it is I've achieved this year - whether I've actually "produced the goods" and what I've done to make my year worthwhile. Think I can safely say that 2011 has been a year unlike any other for me. Literally. Going 'public' with my story in January, then going 'national' in February with my Commando Challenge... things have NOT been the same since!

I've been on a rollercoaster ride like no other - up and down, fast and slow, faster faster faster, think you're going to vomit, then it momentarily stops... then off it goes again!   I think I've felt every damned emotion I could feel this year, have had more meltdowns and breathroughs in 12 months than I have in 12 years!  I've laughed and cried more times than I can count... and I wonder if I actually get to say I've "lived" a little this year?!  I'm not sure on that one, so it's time to put a little "recollection" onto the page...

My year in review, goes a little something like this...

• Started my 'Aim to Change' blog in early January - according to my '2010 reflections' I'd had a really trying year - overcoming some of my personal obstacles (like exercising in public) then  having seen my dad struggle with his health so much, it prompted me to start going 'public' with my story... and in doing that, spiraled a whole new succession of opportunity and events that I would NOT have seen coming for 2011.
• Started the year at over 115kgs. An appointment with a cosmetic surgeon for an early review on my prospects ahead, and I was encouraged to drop to 90kgs before I even considered my surgeries. I promptly signed up for private health cover, and walked straight into the gym thereafter - one of my biggest, boldest moves to date!  Before this, I was not ready, nor brave enough to venture down the path of "the gym" - but this was the driving force I needed to embark on one of my biggest and most loved activities of 2011.
• February saw a little kudos fly my way via the Commando's congratulatory video on BLC - this was a really big thing for me. Up until then, I'd said 'no' to publicly acknowleding my weightloss (had lost 77kgs at this point) because I still felt like I was teetering on failure.  When I was approached for this, I couldn't help but say YES - lord knows how much I love Steve, and this was just a little bit of fun for me!  Little did I know what it would mean just a short time later... 
• March saw me undertake the Commando Challenge - BLC offered me an opportunity to take my losses one step further; challenging me to drop to 95kgs, in order to go "dine with The Commando". My story went national, I was given weekly challenges, daily exercise routines and got totally swept up within the challenge itself.  One of my first challenges was to "dream towards 2012" - well, I'll revist this one later... I'm getting a bit teary just overviewing it at the moment!!  Onwards... !! 
• April - I was whisked off to Sydney (something I've never really done before) and given the opportunity to actually TRAIN with Commando Steve!!  It was well and truly one of the biggest eye-openers to date and was just simply AMAZING!  An experience I couldn't have imagined I'd ever be brave enough to do before, and there I was, in the big city, training with Mister Muscles!  By the end of the month, and as the Challenge drew to a close, I was losing my momentum - my body was fatigued, my mental state was in crisis - I'd been swept up so much in all these new activities, the crazy new exercise routines and food, dealing with all the people and forums... I was slowly (but surely) losing my footing.  I barely scraped it through the Challenge, but made my goal! (phew)
• By the start of May, the challenge was finished and I was off on another whirlwind trip to Sydney for the photoshoot for BLC - another eye opener, and VERY much out of my comfort zone!  Before I even had time to really digest what it is I'd just done... I was on my first ever plane ride down to Melbourne with the group of ladies who had done their 12wbt challenge (that I'd paralleled doing my BLC challenge) - off for the festivities and excitement, and a whole wad of new experiences and social outings I've never had in my life before... 
• By the end of May - I was in Sydney for the celebratory Commando Challenge dinner, and was also scheduled in for my first stint with TV - an interview with Today Tonight... and boy was that an eye opener too!  Having my story go even MORE public, the momentum I was trying to keep up with right about now was beginning to take a HUGE toll.... but I was still riding the wave, and holding onto the surfboard for dear life!!
• By June I was in a bit of a state... I was mentally and physically fatigued, my business was on the back-burner and my income shot, I had people contacting me from all across the country, and I felt obligated to answer EVERYTHING.  I was exhausted and emotionally spent, and my body gave out beneath me...  The weight I'd lost during the Challenge was already starting to come back on (because I hadn't lost it properly to start with!) and my mental state was completely shot. 
• July was much of the same - and a noticeable absence of my blog posts and activities is testament that things weren't "ok" in Camp Amy for the middle of the year. I was spent...  Trying desperately to keep my control, and failing dismally... 
• By the time August rolled around, I was ready to kick my own butt back into gear - and come mid-month, I was back off to Sydney for an adventure with my gorgeous girls, and overcoming some more of the hideous fears and hurts that were plaguing me. I climbed the Harbour Bridge - one of my most momentous events of the year!  ... and followed that the next day with my first ever fun-run, the City to Surf... instantaneously igniting some serious fun-run-bug in my belly that I've NOT been able to shake since!!  These weren't "public goals" - these were for ME. This was Amy doing things for Amy, and the intense feeling of liberation and actually feeling 'alive' was nothing short of insatiable!  I wanted more...
• September was my "running month" - with another TWO fun runs on the agenda! So inspired by the runners of the City to Surf, I started to teach myself how to jog...  I did my local Bathurst jog, and then flicked back off to Sydney (Again?! How's that for the girl who'd never really traveled to the city before 2011!) for the Sydney Bridge run - both of which I LOVED.  All the while I was pushing my limits in these new fitness activities, in the backburner, my head was swimming. Fighting the emotions and demons, and trying desperately to hold it together...  The big blog post I wrote here, I can't bring myself to read again. I know how much I've struggled in the last few months, and how much I've fought to push through...  The emotional rollercoaster, the tears and hurts, the fatigue of it all - THAT is what happens when you purposefully change your life - and whether I liked it or not, it had to be experienced...
• October, the "dark started to lift" a little - I embarked on Round 3 of the 12wbt - not as a weightloss thing, but focusing solely on my fitness. What I GAINED out of that round was an amazing network of local ladies - a social factor "in real life" (as opposed to all the amazing internet friends and network I have) - and started pushing me in different ways.  I had to "front up" to meet them - actually "walk the talk" and work with people, not just hide behind the computer...  HUGE opportunity for transition.  The shy girl had to come out of hiding... 
• Come November, and I was very much struggling with who I was, where I was going, and why I was doing it... Minimal exposure on my forums and blogs, just thinking thinking thinking thinking... I was pretty much 'lost' at this point, and the blog post that went along with it didn't necessarily go into the finer details... but I was a mess, and I needed out, and I was pretty much prepared to walk away. A holiday down to Melbourne/Geelong was on the cards, and this proved to be one of my most strategically placed activities of the year. I went and participated in the first Melbourne City to Sea (sister-event to City to Surf) and LOVED it. The couple of months lead up to this, I'd been training like a demon - my weight didn't budge, but my fitness was through the roof!  I was IN LOVE with my gym sessions - Pump and RPM as the mains - and was now training regularly around Mount Panorama, even lapping with 12kgs on my back the week before my race! I was primed, focused, and freaking DETERMINED - I was fighting, for everything...  Trying to prove to myself that I was capable and deserved what I'd achieved - struggling to not let the negatives take over and bring me down.  By the time I finished my 14kms, I was a wreck.  Physically and emotionally spent... I collapsed shortly thereafter.  Left to my own devices without a goal in sight, I ate myself into a food coma, and took a much needed breather from EVERYTHING. Found out about the Geelong fun-run the weekend after, and lined myself up for that - "when in Rome!"...   This one was just for me - and I LOVED every minute of it.  I ran with the crowd, and enjoyed the experience.  I didn't have a goal, I was just ENJOYING it!  I came home happy to 'walk away' if required by then, but the Universe had other plans for me...
• Hello December!!  Boy oh boy you've been a rollercoaster ride all on your own!!!  Coming back from Melbourne, I was contacted as one of the Woman's Day weightloss competition finalists, and a little hiccup later about my sizing (given I'm still not "little") and my poor little head was in meltdown mode AGAIN!  Struggling very much for the past half of the year with my self-perception and body issues, being very 'touchy' on these subjects, it doesn't take much for me to lose my footing when it's brought up!   Being approached by BLC to become one of their campaign girls for next year too - and my head was SWIMMING.  I wasn't overly confident in my ability or acceptability to do any of this stuff - but a chance encounter trip with a couple of my local Bathurst ladies to see a taping of the BLC contestants for 2012, and it was the little boost and insight that sparked the next phase!  Seeing so much of their haunts and pain as they spoke to the audience, I saw so much of myself in them, it drove me...  EVERYTHING I do - my forums, my website, my story, the people I help and mentor - it's to help them empower their way OUT of that pain. It's the pain that breaks me - it's what drives me to instigate even more change - and it's the REASON why I do what I do now...    I went off to Sydney (again!!) and stood in front of a camera, not for self-publicity or to pat myself on the back (I don't need to do that) but because I'm passionate about reaching out to those struggling at home.  I stood in front of another camera the day after, and faced more of my fears head-on.. again, to reach the people at home who need me.  I sat down after both of these and cried - I'm still a work in progress, I'm still fragile, and I'm still bewildered by why people put me up on such a pedestal when I'm "just Amy"...  but I push myself to do this, there's a gut-feeling I have that I NEED to be doing this...
• Heading off for the 12wbt mass training session and Finale Party just a couple of weekends ago - and I can't believe that we've capped the year off with a bang!  As one of my most fun events of the year (I got to be ME!!!) - I celebrated with a bunch of my gorgeous local ladies, stepped out in one of my smallest, most daring outfits of my LIFE - and was, again, well and truly out of my comfort zone, yet not at all phased by it...  In just the space of 8 months, my whole attitude to things has changed entirely!
  

* * * * *

Going back to that Commando Challenge from March - "Dreaming towards 2012" - recapping on my goals and aspirations I'd "put out there" from earlier this year... Let's have a little squizzy at what I wanted to do and where I'm up to...

• Getting to 90kgs - given all my meltdowns and body issues the latter half of this year, I'm still working on this one!  Though I started the year roughly 115kgs, and now about 98kgs (having been down to 95 as my lowest, and the spikes, and plateaus I've been riding since) - I'm ok with this!!  My fitness is phenomenal, and I have MUSCLE definition that sits on the scales too, so very much ok with this!  I'm down to a size 14 top, size 16 bottom (was a 16/18 top, 18/20 bottom early in the year) - and I RUN in this body!!!  Am SO not apologising for my size!!
• Travel - this one's still on my agenda, though with all the tripping around I've done this year - including my first ever plane flight to Melbourne in May (I've now done TWO!) - and all the tripping backwards and forwards to Sydney - my confidence levels in doing these things is so much higher!  More trips on the agenda for 2012, and maybe even something overseas in 2013 when I sit down long enough to work and fund it, haha!
• Leave Bathurst?!  - Don't know about this one!  There's "opportunity" on my horizon here, and I think I may have to stick it out just that little bit longer and take advantage of the amazing network of professionals at my disposal who WANT to work with me!  I can always move and extend 'later'... !! 
• Romance - Ohhhh did I really have to put that on my list?!!  hahaha...  Well, let's just say this year has seen a few new developments on this one too - a few dates, a few heartaches...  Nothing solid, and I still have no idea how to deal with boys - but they're not quite as "alien" as they used to be...   (no starting rumours thank you very much!!!)   Now, if they'd just stop making me want to run and hide, I'd be right.... !!!
• Harbour Bridge - check!!  Snorkeling on the Barrier Reef and a 'hot lap' on my beloved Mt Pan - both on my 'to do' list!   Though, the way I run on Mt Pan now, I hazard a guess my lap is pretty damned hot already, haha!! 
• Wearing a real dress - CHECK CHECK CHECK!!  I've bought and worn a few of them this year - I'm VERY excited to mark this one off my list!  I even bought another new one recently - such an amazing feeling for the girl who couldn't buy clothes at all... !   As for the 'swimmers in public without the shorts' ... well... that'll stay on the list until my surgery goes ahead - so that may very well be revisited again! 
• 2012...  hit my ultimate goal weight.   YES I WILL!   You better stay posted about that one, you'll hear me screaming from the rooftop the day that happens!!! 

* * * * *

If someone had of told me at the beginning of the year that THIS is what my year would have amounted to, I'd have laughed at them!  Literally!!   Running with 84,000 other crazy people in Sydney; stepping up for three professional photo shoots; climbing the Harbour Bridge when I'm scared of heights; wearing an insane short, sleeveless size 'M' zebra print dress; actually going on a date; shopping and buying size 16 clothes; living and LOVING the gym....  oh my god...

I ALREADY have goals for next year (forward planning was never my forte - I didn't want things I had no intention of achieving on my conscience) - my first fun-run is booked and paid for!  I've got dates for future fun-runs already penciled in. I already have two holidays on the agenda to take with friends.  I have two magazine appearances hitting in January.  My website is in further development so I can extend my reach and help even more people.  I have a network of local professionals I want to start working with to make what I do REAL.  I have courses I'm looking at doing.  I am a work in progress and I'll be pushing to make even more changes in the next 12 months... but my body IS amazing, my fitness IS amazing, my health IS amazing, and I'll be working on my head to make sure I can start seeing that!! 

I don't need to sit here and say "farewell" to 2011 nor say how happy I am to see the back of it.  I've had one of THE biggest, most trying, daunting, painful, emotionally explicit years of my life.  I've transitioned in ways I NEVER thought possible, fast-tracked so much stuff in such a short space of time...  my head is swimming!!   I have NEVER had a year so full of LIFE as I have had this year!

THANK YOU 2011 for being the most amazing year of my life...  I am so very grateful for all the opportunities and people you've brought into my world. Can't quite bring myself to say 'farewell' to you, because you've just opened up the door to another 12 months of AMAZING - and I can't freaking wait to let you in!!!   2012 is going to be BIG!!!


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


xxx

Fun runs, photo shoots, wild weekends and 'finales'... part two

"Last time on (insert your favourite TV show here)".... haha...

PART TWO!!

Feeling a little unsteady on my feet, but in a MUCH more positive zone than I'd been in the few weeks (or months for that matter) beforehand, I was all geared up to just "get back into it" - GAME ON?!!   ... but my basic lifestyle and income have taken a huge whammy this year, and "reality" was forcing me to focus on my business and get that up and running smoothly again, and just leave the weightloss for a while. Nope, the game wasn't back on...

My body was responding to the clean eating - I felt better (inside and out) - and I was 'ok' with where I was at, in general.  Was ready to "walk away" and just start ENJOYING this new-found confidence that I hadn't actually given myself time to take in before - enjoy the new body and the revelations of being so fit and healthy. Get back to being a normal person - whatever 'normal' happens to be these days?!!

I've spent over 3.5 years so intensely focused on the scales - the thought of "giving up" was NOT an option - more a 'forfeit' and walking away for a while to actually have a life was really appealing. I've never really "had a life" - and I was torn between going out there helping everyone on this frenzied "must help everyone!" agenda OR re-negging on the mission and being 'selfish' so I could keep a roof over my head and go back to just being 'Amy'... though in saying that, I don't know what "being Amy" really is anymore?!

The mind games and tug-of-war between trying to look after just me VERSUS trying to look after everyone else - which has all escalated in the last six months - I was overwhelmed with the thought that I was potentially forfeiting all the experiences that I still put (unintentionally) on 'layby' thinking I haven't done enough - waiting until I'm smaller when I'm 'allowed' to have them?!

All the body-image issues I've been dealing with in private (the excess skin and feeling like a freak of nature... the self-hatred I'm fighting... the embarrassment and frustration of a body that doesn't "look" like a weightloss success - making me feel like a hypocrite!)...  I was ready to walk away, it seemed like the easier option... until I could appreciate ME amidst it all.

I don't "dislike" what I've achieved (quite the contrary) - more just disappointed in how I look with the after-math of excess skin, and my coping mechanisms are well and truly out of whack (clearly - 4 kilo holiday gain told me that! Went into major self-sabotage mode when my focus was gone!).

The appeal to just be 'average' for a while and just go back to being the nothing 'Amy' was tearing me to bits!    What does it feel like to be someone who is MORE than just a number on a set of scales?!  A weightloss "personality"...  that's the only reason I have the networks and affiliations I have now - because I've lost some weight?!  Who am I without all that... ?!

And just as I settled myself to do just that - to walk away and learn who AMY "without weightloss" really was, the Universe threw me a freaking spanner!

* * * * *

No photo compilation would be complete
without a giant BL screen behind us!!

Knowing my headspace was out of whack, one of my gorgeous local ladies (Michelle) threw me an opportunity I didn't even see coming!  She had tickets to a special taping for the Biggest Loser tv program - an episode where the contestants from the new series (to air early next year) came out on stage, one by one, and "exposed" their demons and reasons for the weight to the audience.  A confronting experience for anyone - least of all to a room full of strangers...

I had NO idea what I was going for initially, but said YES without even thinking twice! A road-trip with a few of my local Bathurst ladies (yep, business got put on the back-burner again...) and I was out the door and in the car with them before I even had time to really unpack the suitcase from the last trip... !!!

I say this with a smile - because it was only yesterday that Michelle said to me that I have a way of "getting into my head at just the right time" and saying something that would spark her back into gear. Well Chelle, this was YOU repaying that favour - this came at the right time for me. At the very moment I was about to 'walk away' (and I was hurting for it...) - this pulled me back in!

Sitting in the audience for the taping, and having the new contestants walk out to talk to us - one by one - my heart broke for each of them. I saw so much of myself in their words - the pain on their faces, I recognised in the mirror... Their stories and angst, their hurts and fears, their 'hope'... it was all right there, raw and emotional and like a stage production of ME, and my stomach churned the entire time.

GO TEAM!!

They WERE me. It was only a couple of years prior to starting my own weightloss mission, that I'd  applied for the TV show too - and shamefully submitted my huge photos and story, not really having the heart or belief behind it. I put on a hideous amount of weight AFTER that application (which obviously was rejected!) - and it was only sheer dumb stubborn luck that I chose to start my mission on my own, because I couldn't rely on the one-off chance of getting onto the show to help "save me"...

Sitting there in the audience with tears in my eyes, and the biggest lump in my throat... I don't know whether I was struck with a sense of accomplishment or pride that I HAD done this on my own - without the TV cameras, without the trainers... or whether I was just so goddammed relieved that I wasn't "there" in that zone anymore.  I wanted to go up on stage and hug them, tell them it would be ok, that they just had to stay focused and there was going to be good and bad days...  To throw the negatives out the window, and push for a better future - leave the crud and the hideous demons behind... and let themselves actually LIVE.

I sat there and felt EVERY emotion... it cut so deep, yet so empowered by the realisation of what I've already done... it was another mini-breakthrough for me. It hurts - not physically - but the emotions to all of this is what's gripping me right now... and it was a slap in the face to realise just how much of a hold they can still have on me, when I've worked SO hard already and you already KNOW that you're far more advanced than you ever were... but still so fragile.

Me and my best bud, Steve!!

Wiping away the tears and trying to compose myself at the close of the taping... the audience was given the opportunity to meet the Trainers - Michelle, Shannan and Commando Steve were floating around the audience having photos taken and being swooned over, like the crazy celebs that they are!!

I had my chance to catch up with Steve - and a photo and hug later (that was worth the trip alone! haha) - was feeling MUCH more myself!

"...just insert gibberish here..."

I even ended up with a camera in my face, and dragged poor Michelle into frame for moral support (haha)... was still so rattled, the only thing coming out of my mouth was pure gibberish - so let's not assume we'll see any of THAT footage anywhere!!!  (... or if we do, please forgive me for talking nonsense!!!)

A photo with Shannan, and watching my other ladies swoon over the trainers (to my amusement!) - and a few photo-bombings later (hahaha... can't help myself!) - we were buzzing!

Invading Chelle's "Mish Moment"

Heading off to the car park we go, and by a chance of sheer luck, we spotted Shannan on his way to his car - and bailed him up for another photo - WITHOUT the crowds!!! He stopped to acknowledge us - have a chat. The girls hit him up with some questions, and he graciously answered in his very enthusiastic way!   ... and then it happened...

Allison (who I've now deemed my unofficial 'media representative', hahaha) - blurted out that I've lost nearly 100kilos.  He spun around in my direction, held my arm, and his jaw fell open.  All that came out of his mouth (and all I can remember, haha) is him saying "Shut up!  SHUT UP! NO, there's NO WAY! You haven't.. You couldn't have?!!" 

Ahhh Shannan, you made
my day!!

I didn't know what to say!  I'm sure I went a lovely shade of red...  He told me straight out that I did NOT look like someone half my former-size - that he's seen the after-math of massive weightloss, and I didn't look at all like I used to be nearly 200kilos!!

When it came up about my excess skin (the issue that's been plaguing and hindering my headspace the last six months) - he praised me some more, gave me the name of a surgeon that his clients have worked with, and praised me again!

Again, it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear - given my anxiety about my body, and feeling ENORMOUS in half my size!  Considering I was standing there in a fitted, sleeveless top (only the second time I've done that in my life!) I was pretty chuffed!!  The universe was throwing me loops again!

Turning around, we spotted Commando Steve in the carpark too (again?!!!) and naturally we had to go and harass him some more...  ANOTHER group photo shot, and we literally got in our car buzzing like women possessed!!

An AMAZING, highly emotional but freaking awesome day all round!  Heading to bed later, after being on such a high, we were just exhausted!   .. but coming home the following day, I brought back another small chunk of self-confidence I didn't have prior, and for THAT I was truly grateful!

* * * * *

As though that wasn't enough - the Universe had even MORE up its sleeve for me!

Coming home from holidays, I was contacted by Woman's Day magazine - I was a finalist in a weightloss competition, that I'd forgotten I'd even entered!!  (haha... I didn't actually put much effort into my entry at the time - was in such a bad headspace, thought I didn't deserve to be in there at all... how's that for the Universe throwing me a new one!)

I was asked in for the group photo shoot for the following Tuesday - just a week later... again, before my bags were barely unpacked!

In the midst of this, the Biggest Loser Club also contacted me to feature me in their upcoming campaigns for next year - another opportunity to reach people and show them that real weightloss CAN be achieved. Again, as sheer dumb luck would have it, the marketing lady met me at the BL taping to discuss it... The Universe was conspiring again!!

I was on such a high from my 'wins' and feeling in such a better zone than before, I couldn't say anything but YES - there's a rhyme and reason for everything, and the Universe was telling me something here...   I simply wasn't done, and it wasn't about to let me walk away...

Catch was, the BLC photoshoot was the Wednesday... so as fate had it, I was booked in for two photoshoots the following week - one after the other!   ... and the 12wbt finale party that weekend!

I cancelled my week entirely and designated it "Sydney Week" - Monday travel, Tuesday photoshoot in the CBD, Wednesday photoshoot in North Sydney, Thursday my sister's birthday in Penrith, Friday and Saturday 12wbt finale at The Rocks, Sunday home...  (ahhhhh... )

* * * * *

As with all things 'Amy' - there's always a catch... (haha...)

It was the interview with Woman's Day that nearly became my undoing... When asked what size I was for the stylist (about a generous 16, and still registered in about 100kilos)... it was questioned whether I was 'suitable' to be a finalist when I was "still technically quite overweight" and not fitting into the BMI chart. I was questioned about my photos I'd submitted - because I don't "look" like a 100kilo girl (which I don't!! That's how deceptive it all is!) and asked to resubmit recent shots. Without going into all the finer details, I was nothing short of gutted.

I was VERY upset - the mind games of my warped body image, my hideous self-hatred of my excess skin, the pressure of NOT looking like a successful weightloss 'after shot'... THIS was the exact reason why I was so broken about it all - I felt critiqued and humiliated, that I hadn't done enough to pass 'approval'. I cried... broken, painful tears of feeling like a complete failure, that I wasn't worthy of my message (the very one that's taken over my life!!!).

Being as emotionally-invested as I am about HEALTHY, realistic weightloss - and talking so candidly to you all about the ins and outs, the hurts and the horrors - the feedback I get from just being honest is HUGE. I know I'm not the only one out there struggling with these things - I don't always have the answers or insights, and clearly I contend with and approach things in my own time for my own benefit too - but I was GUTTED that a glossy magazine would consider a HEALTHY size 16 "not viable"...

... and I voiced it. It's a VERY rare occasion that I stand up and voice my very strong opinion on things when there's confrontation on the line (I'm extremely non-confrontational) - but I felt obligated to all of YOU to have this one be acknowledged. I wasn't speaking just for myself, but for all of YOU out there who struggle on a daily basis to be happy in your skin - and the criticisms that we face on a daily basis for being bigger than what society expects... well, I couldn't let it slide.

When I voiced I was upset on my Facebook page (at the time - without having gone into the details) - the support and messages I received were so overwhelming - I couldn't do anything BUT turn around and make sure that 'the voice of reality' came into play.

I dare say bulk of my emotion hinged on the fact it felt like a impromptu 'critique' on my current body, and had pretty much negated all the work and 'wins' I'd been working so hard on the few weeks prior. Trying so desperately to 'love the skin I'm currently in' and then having it taken away with one misunderstanding...  wow...   it's just so easy to lose what you've worked SO hard to build up, and THAT was having a huge impact on my reaction to it all.. 

I wrote a very honest, very candid letter to the editor, and explained how intense weightloss is on your head and your emotions - how hard it is not to "live up to the standards of a chart" or society, when your body doesn't fit the expected - how outdated and inefficient a BMI chart truly is (particularly when you're carrying 10kilos worth of excess skin, and are fit and healthy beneath that - or when a muscle-clad footballer can be classified as 'obese' just because of the scales) - and just how distorted the message to real women is out there when we're simply NOT all a skinny size 10!!  ... and left it up to them whether they keep me in the competition or forfeit me. I assumed I was already on the culled pile, and voicing my opinion was only going to help put me there!!

To say I was emotionally-unbalanced after this, another understatement... but I've NEVER been SO passionate, so determined in my life to make sure that I was standing there representing REAL WOMEN as I was on the day I wrote that email!  It was never "about me" as such - I don't need to pat myself on the back (I'm still a work in progress, I'll do all the patting I need to do when I reach my goal) - but in the meantime, everything I do here, on the website, in the forums, on my group pages... it's for the benefit of someone else - to have them see that it's OK to get out there and achieve, and to empower them enough to make the changes in their own lives that changes the course of their thinking and life too...

... and the only reason I had the confidence to do THAT, was because of you guys!  I was representing YOU.  I'm SO passionate about all of this, it's some of the hardest things us women (and guys) have to deal with in our weightloss efforts... the self-criticism is one thing, but I was out to prove a point...

Needless to say, the lovely team at Woman's Day were pretty gutted themselves when they realised how upset I was - and I was asked to stay in the competition and be featured, to make sure I DID still get my message out there to the ladies who need it - all 100kilos of me!

* * * * *

... and there I was, at the beginning of the next insane adventure...

Trying to fit in as much as I could for my clients (and keep everyone happy) - AND fit in a few workouts and lose those extra holiday kilos before the looming photo shoots, the balance of my week was nothing short of MANIC! I still fit in a lap of Mount Pan before I left, ate clean and mean, and looked and felt as strong as I was "going to get" given all the circumstances of the previous few weeks... !

... packed enough gear to last about a month, and off I went...

* * * * *

Walking into the studio for the Woman's Day shoot on the Tuesday, well, I was nervous... Stylists and photographers didn't phase me - I mean, I've done it once before, so I wasn't worried about 'that' so much...

More along the lines of anxiety meeting the team that I'd just bitten the ankles of, and how they'd react to me in person! I'm not an overly 'in your face' person - quite the opposite! Still VERY reserved - "friendly" but still quiet (hard to break the shy girl syndrome even now!!)... but the team were lovely, and very accommodating!

The gorgeous Tanja strikes a pose
with me... haha!

I was there with a fellow Aim Trainer, Tanja - she's been in the forums alongside me for years - and who has transformed herself in amazing ways too. We stayed in the city the night before, and had the opportunity to formally meet each other, and "talk shop" (as you do, haha) over dinner...   THAT in itself was one of the biggest bonuses of the opportunity - getting to meet the gorgeous people in my network that I've spoken to online (but not met in person) is a HUGE thing for me!!  These are the people that I spend my time mulling over issues, and kicking butt's with - they're the ladies (and guys) that I DO all this for - and they're my unending support base in return!

Our third finalist was amazing too - having lost over 80kilos herself - was lovely to meet another weightloss champion whose not only changed her life, but is extending it out to others aswell. SO many amazing entries, and so many weightloss success stories out there (as we were shown) - it really was high praise that the three of us had been chosen to stand in there... 

".. just a bit of makeup.."

Getting to do this with Tanja was AMAZING - to see her have this opportunity, to be made up and get to strut her stuff - even more so...  We were made up, and styled - flicking around the room in dresses and posing like we knew what we were doing!

Not as glamorous as it all seems - it's actually quite taxing!!  By the end of it all, we were pretty spent.... Talking about the reasons why we did this for ourselves, our 'journeys' (I don't rate that word, haha, it implies you have a final destination - to me, there's no end... it NEVER ends!!)  - I found myself voicing something I hadn't really acknowledged before... and funny that it should just come out of my mouth in this environment...

When I said I didn't expect to ever be there - I was shushed and told "ofcourse I would have had to be there, that I deserved it"...   but it wasn't in 'that' context in which I'd initially referred.  I meant, I had no intention of EVER being here... I had no intention of making it past my 26th birthday - least of all make my 30s... I never ever gave myself foresight for a future.

I didn't elaborate or go into it - I don't really know why it came out at the time like that... I've never really talked greatly about it, or used it for 'material' before - but whatever that moment was, it just hit me... If I'd have ever done what I'd intended, I'd have never been able to experience any of this...

Everything that I'm doing, that I'm achieving, seeing, developing... they were never part of my plan. I never expected any of this. I didn't expect anything - I didn't WANT anything...

What I do now is for the sole purpose of reaching out to the girls at home who FEEL like I used to - and speaking so candidly about these things (as it's become more and more apparent why I subconsciously do all this and what drives it)... I'm SO desperate to talk to those girls, and make them NOT hurt the way I used to...

... but again, it takes its toll. I'm still fragile, and I forget that it wasn't that long ago that I didn't believe I deserved a future - let alone the "festivities" of running around enjoying this success (... which, ironically, I'm still trying to ENJOY, haha)...

Sneak-peek of Woman's Day
photoshoot image...

I LOVED the shoot - the team were fantastic.  My dress was awesome (well and truly out of my comfort zone again - I bypassed it initially thinking I looked terrible, but the team told me otherwise, so I put my trust in them - and did wonders for my confidence, AGAIN).. and once again, I didn't know who that girl was staring back at me from the screen!  She looked amazing, but my head couldn't register it...

I walked out of that shoot absolutely emotionally spent and a whole wad of overwhelmed...  I still can't connect with 'her' - whoever that was on the screen, she LOOKED happy and confident, and yet I was a mess inside...

I wanted to crawl under a rock and just sleep for a month!  I checked into my second motel of the trip in North Sydney, and stepped out onto the balcony of my room... Was totally overcome with emotion at this point - I didn't recognise ME in ANY of this - this wasn't my life, not my norm.. and having dug up the raw emotions of my mortality (when I usually have that one well and truly under wraps...) - I was feeling about as alone as I could have possibly been.


I just had to WALK. I just had to move... I had to go somewhere, anywhere, I didn't care where, didn't even know where I was going or where I really was (me and my lack of direction)... I just had to move FORWARD.

A stroll over the Harbour Bridge

I walked out the front door of the motel and head for the Harbour Bridge... At this time of day, there was heaps of people on their way home after work - and heaps of them were ear-phones in, running across the bridge.

I was eying them off with so much envy, I just wanted to do the same... but I was void of energy, lacked the confidence to be seen doing it, and if someone had of looked at me sideways, I'd have burst into tears...

I walked the entire length of the bridge, found The Rocks, head to Circular Quay and stood there checking out the Opera House... Realised what I'd done and felt pretty chuffed that I'd managed to find that on my own (again, something others take for granted - these are the things I would NEVER have done 'before').. and head back to the motel in reverse, to grab some dinner and relax...

I found Circular Quay!

Back at the motel, I turned the shower on, and stood there for a minute with the water belting me in the face... Desperately trying to calm down, knowing full well throwing a tantrum at this point in time would do me absolutely NO favours on the 'professionalism' for the following day...

My head was still churning over, constant drivel about never going to be here, missing out on everything, six feet under and you'd have missed out on all of this, being ungrateful for what I have achieved, what I'm yet to experience, just have to suck it up and get over it, stop throwing everyone's praise away like I didn't deserve it, fighting with the belief that I'm still ugly and noone wants me versus all these people constantly telling me I look 'great' - I sure as hell didn't FEEL great...  I just wanted to shut it all off - just a mish-mash of drivel going round and round my head...

View from my balcony

I stuck the plug into the bottom of the bath and filled it up with water... then sat down and cried...  Took too much energy standing up, I just needed to get rid of the emotions. No point bottling it up any longer - if that was going to work, it would have gone by the time I came back from my walk.. but nope. A good old cry does wonders sometimes!

Washing my face in my bath water, had to have a little chuckle at myself when I was peaved that I didn't have any bubbles in the bath... it was missing bubbles!!  ... then realised, like a jolt to the head (as usual) that I was SITTING IN A BATH TUB!!!  Like a normal person... The last time I took a bath was when I was a kid. I haven't fit into a bath since... (swimming pools don't count!!!) - I was sitting in the bottom of the shower, in a normal sized bathtub, having a bath...

Can we say WIN?!!!   I could have cried about that too, at the time, but it was "just enough" to get my head back into the zone and make it ok...  I climbed out of the bath, spotted myself in the mirror, looked away, got dressed and climbed into bed. No more punishment, time to turn it off.  I slept like a log...

* * * * *

... and again.. to be continued!  (told you this one was epic...!!!)

Commando Dinner & the world of TV

 

One word:  RAROOOWWW!!

The day FINALLY arrived, and that awesome reward for my crazy eight weeks of Commando Challenge (that I very nearly didn't make!!!) was right there at my fingertips!

If you've ever woken up the next day and thought, wow - did that actually really happen?!  ... well, I was having that (in triplicate) this morning!!!

My whirlwind couple of days in Sydney was well and truly mind-boggling.... AGAIN!

Who am I, and what happened to my 'old life'... ?!!



On Wednesday afternoon, I literally threw everything into my car and drove off into the sunset for another mad-capped couple of days - after flying around the house trying to cater for clients, cat and everything else in between!  I head off to stay with my sis in Penrith for the night again (poor girl is like my motel at the moment, haha!) - and slumbered on the city outskirts for the night.

TODAY TONIGHT

Thursday I was scheduled to be in Sydney by 9.45am at the BLC offices for yet another 'new adventure'...  This one in the form of being taped for a Today Tonight interview!   EEEEK!

Up at 6am to get ready, and out the door for the train by 8...  I was nothing short of NERVOUS when I ventured into the office, with my enormous suitcase trailing behind me!  (haha... STILL incapable of packing light! Four outfit changes, four pair of shoes included, for two days!!!).  A quick costume change, and we were out the door!

Was taken across the road to Fitness First in North Sydney - where the first leg of filming was taking place.... AT THE GYM!  Feeling extremely nervous at this point, but pretty "at home" in my pink trainers and near the machines (how ironic is THAT for a girl who just three months ago was too brutally ashamed to be SEEN exercising in a gym?!)... and the Crew rock up to get started.

Strapping me in with a mic, and setting me up on the cross trainer (in my element!) - lights on, camera on... OH GOD....   Please, please, PLEASE let me talk like a human being!!!   

The journo - Laura - cracks open a few questions while I'm striding away...  questions like "what would the old Amy think of you right now?"...   Ohhhh man....

I could feel the lump form instantaneously in my throat.  The "old Amy" would have been absolutely livid with envy...  green to the gills.  The old me could barely move - didn't dare let anyone see her 'try' and exercise - least of all in hot pink "look at me, look at me" trainers and a fitted singlet top, letting all the wobbly bits... well, wobble?!  She would NOT have had the courage nor the tenacity to even be IN the gym in the first place, least of all the drive to even be on the machine!  Nerves aside, now I was trying not to cry too!!!    

Come on Amy, suck it up!  This isn't just about you....  You can't get your message out to those who need it if you bury your head in the sand!!!  Be professional... 

Having never actually been interviewed like this before - first hit of "lights, camera, action!" were a bit confronting  ... but I pushed on, and tried to maintain my dignity! Can't recall what else I started blubbering about - I think I zoned out slightly - too busy trying to coordinate myself to speak AND move at the same time, hahaha!

Off up the stairs to the weights area - for more filming... and I get positioned right in front of a full length mirror.  Oh god... yeah, as if the camera wasn't confronting enough?!!!     The MIRROR has been an arch-nemesis for years, and something I've avoided very much in the past. Here I was, trying to remain calm, not cry, remember how to breathe and answer questions that didn't sound like gibberish... and now I had to look at myself too?!!!   Ouch... !!!

Just breathe...

Cameraman takes some "fill" of me doing bicep curls / walking in picking up free weights, lying down on the bench to do overhead presses...  and all the while I'm just praying my arm skin doesn't gross everyone out?!!  What WAS I thinking - it was ME who suggested the presses!!!  Argh!!!

Back to the BLC office, for another quick costume change... This time we're off upstairs to the lounge area, and the crux of the interview gets taped.  Wish I could recall some of the content of this part - but it got a little heavy and I think I zoned out "for safety sake" when I was starting to get a little upset.  It's not exactly the easiest thing to admit that your history isn't the nicest - that you were more willing to give up on your life and had literally planted two feet in the grave...

It's the curse of being as honest as I am - it just slips out - and I know it's what sparks interest with people, because of how dramatically I've turned my life around...   BUT, it's raw, and still very confronting and upsetting - and why I don't often 'revisit' it...

Moving outside of that, the questions were more along the lines of nutrition and how I've achieved what I have - and (hopefully) all going well, I actually produced something out of my mouth that was worth listening to!!!   ANOTHER very hard thing to do for a girl that was happier being 'mute' for the better part of half her life - who prefers to talk through her fingers... pushing more boundaries...

Next set change - and we're in the "kitchen" chopping up carrots and celery, composing a salad!  Considering how much I LOVE my food these days, I clearly didn't think through how awkward and frustrating cutting carrots would be 'on cue' when I asked for them to be there for me!  The wretched things would NOT chop easily for me!!!!  Nearly took off a finger at one point, hahaha...  Masterchef I am not...!

So after 6.5 hours of fluffing around and content-taping - all for a few minutes of segment (hahaha) I'm thinking GREAT, all done?!!   Noooooo......

Running off to the motel to get ready for dinner, the Crew have already lined up more footage to be shot of me all dolled up in my new dress.  .... that would be because I'd mentioned I used to be a recluse, never go out, only worn a dress ONCE recently...    Ahhhh, me and my big mouth!  hahahaha!

Meeting up with my bestie at the motel, we glam ourselves up and head off back into the city with our BLC chaperone!  Walking around Circular Quay, "looking at shops", idly chatting about nonsense (which I suck at), talking about getting out for the night and strolling around the gloriousness that is Sydney....  just another old day in the land of Amy?!!    As if?!!! 

Having people stop and stare as you're being filmed walking around in your heels and dress (the one you very nearly chickened out of wearing mind you!)...  wondering who you are and what on earth I'm being taped for....  Ahhhhh?!!!    Excuse me, but the ex-recluse over here needs to go and find a rock to go crawl under - STAT!!!    (breathe.... be professional... you have your best friend with you, it's ok!).

Another half hour (plus) of taping later, having been toured around half of Circular Quay (in our ridiculously sexy, but painful, heels might I add - we had NOT planned for that!!), and we FINALLY head off to Cafe Sydney to meet everyone for dinner!

.... but not without the reminder that the Crew will meet me at Myer in the morning, for MORE footage... !!!!!!!  

'COMMANDO CHALLENGE' CELEBRATION DINNER

'Work' over.... it was time to have some fun!!!!   Heading off to Cafe Sydney - one of the top hot-spots in the city - I get to meet the gorgeous winners who were to dine with us for my celebration dinner!

Maree and Jacqueline - two vivacious, beautiful women - who have been fabulous supporters over the course of my challenge (AND my time with BLC prior to that) - came to dine with me and my bestie  Jacinta, Roula and Julian of the BLC team, and ofcourse, Mister Muscles himself!

These two awesome ladies were picked out of a HUGE number of people who had supported me over the course of my Challenge - and I was super excited to meet them both in the flesh!!   Whilst I'd have loved to celebrate with everyone, you were definitely all there in spirit - and again, I thank you ALL for your encouragement and support to actually get me to that goal and THIS DINNER!!

Jacqueline, Maree, Jacinta and I snuggle up to Mister Hotness for warmth!
(... what?!!... it was cold...!!)

Sitting at the table, we await the arrival of THE MAN... and I confess that when I heard his voice behind me, I do believe I went slightly dizzy.... hahahaha!  (ps: I was Facebook statusing that he'd stood me up at the time... hahahaha!)    I had the privilege of sitting next to him the entire night, desperately trying not to make a fool out of myself.... but knew that was a fight I wasn't going to win!  I'm notoriously hopeless...!

Was a MAGIC dinner - filled with lots of talk about Crossfit, Biggest Loser Club, this years' TV contestants, and lots of general chit-chat. Now, let me tell you, when Steve starts talking about his Crossfit, he gets seriously intense - he's clearly VERY passionate about his training!  Even my bestie said "I just had to look away!" when he'd get fired up talking about functional movement and pushing the body beyond the limits of your mind...   It's hard not to get swept up in his clear love of this style of training - and despite my 18 minutes of training-pain when we first met - I can understand why!   (I did have to confess that I was sore for a good couple of days after... Given the smile on his face, I think he was getting far too much joy out of my pain, hahahaha!)

I'm not a 'celebrity chaser' - never have been - they are (after all) just 'normal people' doing something abnormally public... But having these opportunities to train AND converse with someone who is so (inevitably) followed on such a public scale, it was sheer privilege that I was able to sit there and listen to him talk so passionately about his training. It's his commitment for his work and health that I admire - and a fitness level that I could only aspire to - and what I *swoon* and *convulse* over the most!!!

.... though, admittedly, getting past the *drool*swoon*faint* element of my evening took a little work first.. hahaha!    


A glass of bubbles, and a celebratory toast to my kicking butt in the Challenge later.. and we're off ordering our little hearts away!  Wondering if we're going to be scrutinized on our food choices, Steve was pretty quick to put our mind's to rest... he was not there to judge!!

We weren't 'on show', there was NO brutalising workout to do before or after the meal, and despite my Facebook post (because I can't help myself, haha), there was NO mandatory lettuce leaf on my plate, or excruciatingly shameful pushups in heels required on my part!!!!  (thank goodness, I feared I wouldn't have kept myself in my dress had that been necessary.. hahaha!)

My entree was a gorgeous beetroot tart. Main was baked barramundi with pine nuts and spinach-stuffed ravioli, with apple, walnut and blue cheese side salad.   ..... and then the dessert menu came out!!!

My bestie and I both looked at each other - there clearly was no 'healthy choice winners' on this list - we grimmaced and laughed.... and then ordered the two naughtiest things on the list!  hahahaha!

Steve said we were clearly comfortable in our own skin, and he even made mention that there's nothing worse than someone who puts on 'airs' while they're on show and say "no" to these things... then turn around and stuff their faces at home later!  It was a little kudos for us...  (ps: he ordered dessert too...!!!!)

And ofcourse, no encounter would be complete without the mandatory signing of "the book"....  Considering last time he'd asked me if I've read his book (and sheepishly, I had to admit no - didn't own it, hadn't read it, went home and bought it immediately!!!)...  OF COURSE it was going to happen that I lugged it with me to Sydney.... and OF COURSE I was going to have him sign the very page, of the very excruciating maneuver he had me sweating over when last we'd met!   There's nothing left to 'chance' here, hahaha!

Meals happily gurgling around in our tummies, and it was photos time!  Lots of mandatory posing later, and a minor panic after silly Amy loses her video camera (argh!)... and we head off down stairs. Before I let him run out the door, I pull out the video camera and ask him to give us a quick word of advice...  (and I can't belive I called him Mister Muscles to his face... hahahahaha!!!!).  Poor guy, I really didn't give him much of a heads' up though!!!

OHHHH - and to totally cap off my night - one great big Commando-style bear-hug later... and he's off out the door!   Ahhhhh!!!    Lots of goodbyes to my gorgeous ladies, hugs all round, thank yous and the like.... and I throw off the shoes, get rid of the dress, pop on some jeans and joggers... and Jacinta and I walk back to the motel via the Harbour Bridge!!!

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G night, filled with awesome company, delectable food, spectacular Harbour views and feeling SERIOUSLY fabulous!!   Am I one lucky girl or what?!!!

TODAY TONIGHT - DAY TWO

Up early again on Friday morning, despite the escapades of the night before, I'm in the shower by 7am! Jacinta and I are "booked in" to meet at the front of Myers in Pitt Street at 11.30 - I'm to be filmed "shopping with my bestie".... given I could never actually buy clothes at my largest, and lived in whatever I could find (stretched to the max)... and how 'liberating' it is now to be able to go shopping!   (...all this stemming from having spoken to the journo about how I'd only recently gone on my first shopping spree!)

I went into Myers a little early in prep, and was becoming more and more uncomfortable... walking around and around the aisles realising I still didn't fit into bulk of the clothing. By the time Laura (the journo) rang to tell me the crew wasn't too far away, I was rather distraught and a little upset - I said to her I wasn't having much luck and didn't know how well this whole thing would go... I didn't mean to worry her, but this whole "shopping business" is a new world for me, and I was feeling well and truly out of my comfort zone, not fitting into the Plus Sizes anymore, but still too big for the small designer wear that was ALL through the Myer floors!  She reassured me, said the crew would meet me out front in 10 minutes, and I hung up and stood there like a stunned mullet... gawking up and down the rows, feeling more and more anxious...

Something... anything...  I just needed ONE THING I liked, that I could 'try on' and have them film me flicking around in.  Anything... ?!  Pants are useless - I'm struggling to fit my awkward "in-between" body in those... Can't find a top I like at all... Dresses are either too tiny or too big?!!   Five minutes later, and having gone around the floor once already, on the return trip I found it - RED COAT!  BINGO!!!!   I threw my bag on the floor, took off my jumper and pulled a size 16 red trench coat off the rack.   SCORE!   *phew*  ... ok, I had one thing I could at least look like I was interested in!

As I'd been told, I literally had money to burn at my disposal - I had a $200 budget for anything I wanted - which made walking around Myer looking for ANYTHING I liked even harder - and why I was getting so nervous and upset!  I didn't want to buy just for the sake of buying (and waste their money) - nor miss an opportunity (!!!!) - so when I found the trench coat, I was ecstatic!  It was $129 and something I'd been eying off, but didn't have the means to afford!   I spotted a little white top on a nearby rack that I could use as backup, and *phew* - I'm all set!  ... thank goodness, because the camera guys show up right after my sigh of relief...

We film Jacinta and I "shopping" - walking down the aisle - talking about styles, and how nice it is to be able to buy 'off the rack' (meanwhile, my anxiety levels have slightly dropped as I actually have something to head towards!!!).  "Ohhhhh look at this jacket - what do you think?!  You should try that on!  I think I will!" .... "Ohhh what about this cute little white top. It'll look great underneath!"

Off to the fitting rooms, and I head inside and whip on my two finds...  I step out of the change rooms for the next batch of filming, and get an "Amy?!!"  .... I swing around to this mysterious voice behind a rack of clothes... and it's one of my Aim to Change facebook followers!   Not only that, but this gorgeous woman, Amanda, was my "500 subscribers" random winner just the other day!!!   Serendipitous or what?!

I go over and give her a hug - totally forgetting there was a camera crew right there waiting for me - and my bestie (whose a journalist!) springs some questions on her!  How much has she lost (over 40 kilos!) and how long has it taken her (over a year) and how does she know me (via Facebook)...  meanwhile the camera crew are merrily filming this crazy occurrence - so I explain that I'm filming for Today Tonight!!

We get back to filming me "coming out of the fitting room", proudly producing this find of a red trench coat... and proceed to go to the counter to pay for the purchase.  Meanwhile, I get told that the lady serving my "Facebook Fan" had asked if she was there filming "with the model".... OHHHH MY GOD!  How's THAT for a compliment?!!!    I couldn't help but tell her I loved her, hahaha!!!

Now, it's right about here, that my entire day took a totally different turn - for the better!  Finding that gorgeous trench coat (on my last ditch "please don't cry" effort), then running into Amanda, then the 'model' compliment... it just made my day, entirely!

OH... and PS: the red trench coat.... I had to downsize - it's a freaking SIZE 14!!!!!  AND they were both on sale...  Red trench AND top came to $112!!!  GIRL CAN SHOP!!!!

We film me "paying" for my goods (courtesy of Channel Seven, hahaha) and off we go with my purchases!   The camera crew depart thereafter, and Jacinta and I are due elsewhere for the NEXT filming stint...  Oh yeah, I'm STILL not done!!!

Now talk about ironic - considering we were taping for a weightloss story, being shot eating lunch outside the Lindt cafe was quite bemusing!!

You'll be proud to know - despite much drooling over the lush chocolate - that not one bit passed these lips!!!  (nor went into a bag or came home with me either... though it wasn't for lack of day-dreaming!!!).  Nope, it was a beef panini roll and a sparkling water for me thanks folks!!!

Laura and the camera crew arrived, shot, chatted and ate with us (their office just across the road - THAT was why we were at Lindt, hahaha).  SO MUCH footage for just a small segment!  ... but given our history (Jacinta as a journalist, and me being ex-newspaper) we weren't at all surprised. The world of TV may be slightly different in the gathering, but the messages and content are the same! I thanked the guys for their work - and now we just have to wait and see how the story unfolds...  (I'll be sure to announce the link when it airs and is available online!)

For a girl who had an aversion to cameras (least of all TV versions!!) - I was told I was "great talent" and had a natural ability there, and was very obliging (ie: super patient, haha... though I'm not so crash hot on creating my own 'idle dialogue' - poor Jacinta was leading me on that one!!!)... How funny!!!


Two MANIC days of adventures and new experiences later.... and my poor little head was spinning by the time I came home last night.

I sat here, trying to figure out what to write, but it was so far removed from my 'reality' that it was like a comedy of errors - too surreal for words?!   ... and then waking up this morning, it truly was like a crazy dream?!

What happened to my very private, reclusive, shy, solitary, mundane life?!!  When did the switch flick over to all this "NEW", exciting, 'out of the ordinary' little world that it's been the past few months?!   I've never traveled so much, talked so much, smiled so much....  All these insane experiences the last few months have given me this whole new level of confidence I barely recognise in myself!

If it wasn't for the fact I have a sexy new trench coat sitting right behind me right now, and a bunch of photos on my computer - I'd have thought this entire two days weren't even real!  I don't  know what I've done to deserve all these things...  but I'm SO grateful for them right now! I think I owe the Universe (and everyone under that umbrella that's been part of it) one very big "THANK YOU" right about now...

What could possibly come next?!!   .... just amazing!!!

:)