Monday, April 1, 2013

My life in "chaos"

Well it's been a LONG time between blog posts - the last one being quite sad.... but as time has it, things get busy or wayward, and I've managed to lose a couple of months between posts just being caught up in "life" as it is now!

... which is what leads me into this post.  My life - as I know it - is in utter chaos!!

I'm about to hit my four-month post-surgery timeframe in a couple of days - and whilst I'd love to bring you beautiful "hey look at my awesome belly!" photos and posts, I simply can't... Things haven't really turned out the way I wanted them to, and in that, I've had to decipher and deal with the hurts and haunts that go with a body-gone-wrong.  I'm still not quite ready to unleash that blog post or pics yet (it's still simmering inside) - but when or if I do, then I do.

The last few months have been nothing short of a huge wakeup call. Not all pretty, that's for sure.  I put so much value on that surgery meaning something more than it was - with the "not so successful" results being what they are - it's left me intensely shunted and empty.   ... and leaves alot to be desired from something that was supposed to be so "fabulous" and life changing.

Having said that, life changing... yes.  But not in the way I thought it would be...   I've grown up and learnt so much about myself because of it, I'm actually very grateful for the "failure".  I'll explain more why at some point, but right now, there's a whole wad of self-reflection going on here - and none of it was done standing in front of a mirror admiring the body or the scales!  ;)

... but back to my CURRENT story!

Why does de-hoarding create so much mess?! ha!

My life is currently in CHAOS.  No word of a lie.  Post-surgery blues hit thick and fast, and I thought when I fought my way through that heavy black fog, that things would just somehow go back to normal. I'd retain my usual "stubborn Taurean, just get on with it" attitude and that'd be that - I'd just clean it up and be done with it. 

Dammit - I was SO WRONG.   ... again.  

Nope - instead the Universe decided to do some heavy cutting and shifting itself.  It's given me a HUGE wakeup call - fast tracked so much upheaval and emotion in such a short space of time - if my head wasn't swimming before, it's in the freaking fast-lane of the Olympics right now!

My rental house is being terminated - over a decade I've been living here. It was my 'safe zone', my home. For those not in the know, I live on my own (have done since I was 17) - just me and my cat. In the years of bad headspace, my "safe zone" was always my house - where I could hide and be myself. In the early stages of my 'transformation', my very private backyard was where I'd hide while trying to exercise. It's small, homely, and cheap (very cheap actually - I've been incredibly lucky to have such low rent for a decade - it's one of the only reasons I was able to go solo with my business for a few years - and give myself the time to make changes for my health).  It absolutely broke my heart when I was told I had to leave...  absolutely heartbroken.

On top of that, I had a few knee-jerk moments at work - having gone back to a former employer early this year for full-time wages (the lack of funds from flying solo was limiting my capabilities to do the things I really wanted to do... like travel, buy clothes, gym fees, etc...).  Going back to work for someone else was a CHOICE - not one that I took lightly - but one I felt would help me keep moving in the right direction and give me opportunity (... bloody money!).  But of late, I've felt a little deflated - and had me questioning whether going 'back' to this zone was actually helping me move forward at all...   (I'm still pondering this decision).   Career-wise, I don't really know what to do with myself...

And adding to that, it seems the Universe wanted to throw the spotlight on me for a little male attention... but instead of making that nice and pretty, it came with lots of face slaps, heart-ripping-outta-your-chest kind of interaction.  ... because 'rejection' is good for the soul, perhaps?!!  haha... !  (NOT).  It's also brought with it some incredible new people that have opened my eyes to me NOT being the hideous monster I thought I visually was, and some male "you are actually beautiful Amy" feedback... A slight revelation that took it's sweet arse time in coming into play, but one I'm still trying to learn.  If I ever have a chance of finding love, then I have to stop telling them all I'm revolting!  (duly noted, no butt-kicking required!). 

Add to this the fact my body is still distorted (NOT helping with the body-loathing, incidentally!) - with swelling and issues post-surgery (yep, four months later and I'm still struggling with issues) - and a recent follow up trip with the Surgeon to say "yes, it didn't go as planned.. the infection did do damage..." finally put my mind to rest that I wasn't just making it up - that there IS issues to deal with. So be it.    My weight and health are still trying to come back into play - but it's just not happening, irrespective of what I'm doing.   I'm back to training with the weights I was doing in Pump pre-surgery, and can definitely feel the difference when I run - but I swell like a crazy person, my clothes don't fit right, I have an over-hang on my gut that breaks my heart... and I'm still a little "bruised" all round!   I'm allowed to be disappointed, but being 'allowed' doesn't necessarily take away the heartache!

I took a massive step away from the groups and networking - as some of you may have noticed - to try and make sense of all the upsets and hurt that are undermining my hard work (it has been a really rough couple of years on the headspace - none more so than the last few months!).  I attended a couple of group sessions with Emazon (one pre-surgery, and one post-surgery - the huge difference between my mindset from one phase to the other is ridiculous - I plummeted with the issues. I'll blog about this at another time though. ps: her courses are awesome!) - and was given the opportunity to do a special 1:1 session with her recently - to try and break through this hideous confusion and upset that is just slowly compounding and crushing me.

Honestly, I'm not doing so "fabulously" - but in saying that, I'm not falling apart either. It's a really weird place I'm in right now - it's neither fear nor neglect driving this boat - but I can't really figure out what's happening either.

Uncharted territory, perhaps? Probably. Must be...

The Universe is very much conspiring - the ties that have held me solid to this "lifestyle" for over half my life - they've been cut. Something/someone out there has released me - I think I wasn't brave enough to do that for myself (despite everything else I've deliberately changed so far, to date - I wasn't brave enough to cut the big ties...) ....  and as liberating as that may sound, it's freaking terrifying!

I simply don't know what to do - where to go - what I want!  I simply wasn't ready - but I can also acutely acknowledge that there's no "right time" for any of this either - 6 months from now without the forced changes, I'd have been living the same day-in-day-out duldrums and STILL hating my life....  so maybe the timing is, in fact, freaking perfect?!

I have cried brutal hurtful tears in the past - I have hurt in ways that just breaks my heart thinking about it now....  but I've always fought my way through, and I've always found a braver Amy in the process.     ... the tears that go with this one, though, are different again.  I don't fully understand them.

Bye-bye old friend...  my biceps salute you!
Maybe I'm reminiscing... but then I wonder WHY - the things that have passed are gone and they were so empty, I simply don't 'miss' what I didn't like...    So maybe I'm celebrating the fact that I can now move on?  But I'm terrified to let it all go?!   So maybe I'm just in a space of self-respect and "forward" momentum...  but part of me questions if I have the energy to go through and deal with all the 'new' on its way (and part of me knows, deep down, that I'll have no issue with it - I AM a freaking Ninja, and I'll deal with it as it hits).  Or maybe it's just fear of the unknown?  So much confusion, so many 'maybes'.

Today I began the mass-cull of a decade's worth of (what can only be described as) "hoarding"....  My house is currently in a state of total upheaval and chaos - and my neurotic running from one room to another today went hand in hand with it!

I'm an incredibly sentimental girl - I find it really hard to part with things... which is not necessarily always 'healthy'... !!!   I said goodbye to my old weights bench yesterday, and today did my first car-boot drop of goodies to St Vinnies.  My garbage bins are overflowing for pickup tomorrow morning, and there's a trailer out the back packed with stuff for the tip. 

I've already dispersed with some of my most valued 'treasures' - they've been temporarily relocated to my sister's house to keep them safe and still 'present' (framed gloves of my late Nana's - they were the first things off the wall - and it absolutely broke my heart to take them down - my house lost its 'soul' the minute they were gone).  Bit by bit my house is being pulled to pieces - and every time I remove something, box it up, bin or redistribute it... a little piece of me aches inside.  Some of it good ache - some of it not.

Who needs two legs when you can fit into one?
Today I ransacked my bedroom and pulled everything out from under the bed.  Time flies and you simply "forget"... but when I pulled out a box that had a wad of material in it, I'm pretty sure I had a puzzled look on my face - I couldn't remember why it was there. When I dragged it out to look further, I let out a bit of a "oh my god!".  Inside the box was four pairs of homemade pants - my attempts at trying to make clothes big enough to fit me when I simply couldn't buy them large enough.  Three of them were unfinished - and the fourth bore no real resemblance to store-bought pants (my sewing skills leave alot to be desired, haha!). I ran out my bedroom and had my mum take a photo of them against me - I was just dumbfounded.

You simply forget.  The emotions never leave you (I don't know if they ever will?) - but the hardcore 'touchy feely' reality was there in my hands, and I was torn between saying "this is crazy RIDICULOUS!" through to "this is just SO SAD".  Reality being, that was my hard work - in my hands - in front of me. The person behind the pants - who right now feels like a deflated failure for all the things going wrong - is literally half the person I was 6 years ago.   .... that was my visual reminder today - this is all happening right now, making room for something NEW, because the girl 6 years ago made it happen.

But numbers and sizes don't mean much to me anymore - I have no idea what 'size' those pants are, nor do I care!  It doesn't really mean much to me in this moment of my life.  The emotions, however, are absolutely PARAMOUNT.   My achievement isn't in numbers - it's in changing my entire life....  and the pants are just ONE tiny (!) visual.  The chaos of a decade's worth of hoarding 'things' to fill the emptiness in my heart is the other - and now I just want them GONE.  I want the mess and the useless junk GONE - I want a fresh slate, I want the things I've never had, I want happiness and growth - and PEOPLE and love and 'things' in my life that mean so much more to me than "superficial junk" things that only served to fill my emptiness with mess... 

That's something that the new "grown up Amy" is discovering post-surgery.  The let down and emotional emptiness that has hit me lately has been my ultimate wake up call.  The distress when I realise I have no idea what to do with myself, where to go, who I want in my life...  these are the LIFE THINGS I've worked my arse off to open doors to have - and the Universe bloody knew it - and it's been thrown hardcore in my face.  I opened a freaking door... and now I'm being forced to peek my shy head out the front...

So I'll just ponder some more as I pack up my house, go do my job each day, and feel myself slowly healing from the inside out. And yes, I'll probably cry more buckets of tears in the next few weeks when the changes and stress becomes a little too much for one heart to bear - but I'll brush them away and just get on with the job.

... but the difference, now, is that these tears are healthy - tears of gratitude for the changes, and appreciation of the 'release'....  tears of reflection and forgiveness... tears of hope and encouragement - washing away the dust (years and years of dust) and making way for the NEW.  There's 'beautiful' in everything new, and I've just been given the chance to step into a whole world of it...

My life is in chaos.... bittersweet, freaking awesome chaos!