Last year, I let it all get the better of me - my focus turned "aesthetic" - I was too focused on how I looked and how it appeared to everyone else - which only served to backfire. I fell apart. My old self-doubt reared its ugly head and said "you assumed failure - you have become that failure".
I stopped treating my body right, and my mind wandered through all the levels of doubt and negatives of the past. I lulled in turmoil and I lost my belief - as though I didn't deserve what I'd worked so hard to change - nor had I been "given" the payout for working so damned hard in the first place.
I expected more and more - and I received less and less for it.
My biggest "failure" was not in lack of achievement - it's in being complacent with what truly mattered - what had driven me in the first place. My heart wasn't in "changing for the better" - it was elsewhere, I was superficial and greedy, and it came back to bite me - to teach me a lesson in humility.
The last couple of weeks have been met with trepidation in the lead up to my sixth anniversary from the day I decided to change. I felt like a failure - untrue to myself - a fraud - after a year of negativity and disappointment that just kept feeding upon itself. I've gained weight, I quit the gym, I ate everything in sight and withdrew from my networks. I was shunning myself with shame, and berating myself for making things worse. I taunted myself that I'd "given up".
But, after lots of soul searching, I realised I haven't given up - not entirely. I was "hibernating" - waiting until it was 'right', again. Manifesting the strength and courage to really acknowledge who I am NOW - and what that means to the next chapter. My evolution.
I woke up and wrote some words on scrap paper first thing yesterday morning... they read:
I am capable, and I am willing.
I have, and I can do again.
I have exercised the art of discipline and self compassion, and I will continue to do so.
I have adapted, I am flexible.
I am strong, in spirit and in self.
My changes are my choice, and my choices are my challenge that I willingly accept.
I have changed, and I have gained a freedom in doing so.
I am successful, and will continue to be so, just as I choose.
We're conditioned to believe that success only comes in reaching set goals - anything less than meeting that goal is not enough, and going backwards is instantly negative or a route to 'failure'. We measure our worth SO MUCH on these factors that they eat away at us until we believe we're 'less' because we haven't yet met them. Forgetting that our heart, soul, love, honour, trust, friendship = all the beautiful elements that make us who we are, holds far more value than a size 12 pair of jeans and a great set of abs will EVER hold... On our death bed, will we truly care that we ran 5 marathons or drove a $50,000 car?!
I will NOT subscribe to the context that I've failed because I couldn't meet a 'goal' that's constructed in this aesthetic or superficial frame. My true goals - the underlying tummy-numbing goals - were to find a reason to live. I found that - I found ME. Everything else is a bonus.
Life is fluid. What I aspire to change will always keep moving, and I'll move and adapt with it, the way its intended. That is what drives me, why I started - I chose to live - and all the curve balls, hardship, tears, fun, laughter, happiness, fears, excitement, sunsets and really awesome watermelon are there to be experienced. To endure. To embrace.
It's my sixth year anniversary today - and I made the call to forgive myself for the turmoil of last year - it was a learning curve that needed to happen.
Walking around my favourite river circuit tonight, thinking about what I truly want, what "goals" I'd like to fill my year with... a few choice words slipped into my head that just wouldn't leave me.
My choices and attitude in life do.
2014: healthy in mind and healthy in body.
That's my goal this year - time to round up the happy and embrace another year of life!
Happy Healthiversary to ME!