SO much has happened in the past month, I do wonder when it was that I simply forgot how to do the most basic task - breathe in, breathe out - when it became clouded with stress, fear, tears, confusion and frustration that made breathing sometimes feel like a chore...
I KNEW when the Universe started to shake things up that there'd be consequences - I knew I was going to wear these consequences in a "really messed up, but good, way"... but I didn't think it would take THIS much of a toll on me. I underestimated it immensely...
The last month has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride... Since my last blog post, I've moved house (albeit next door!) ~ attended the amazing Emazon Convention in Brisbane ~ went on a holiday with a bunch of my favourite crazy online girls and ate cake ~ had (another) pre-birthday meltdown and then turned the big 3-4 ~ and became an Aunt for the first time... Oh, and my body started to shut down in its usual winter-style - my weight has piled on, and I feel a whole wad of blurgh... ! SO let's begin this crazy recap...
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|"Thank you healing house.."|
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Running off to the Emazon Convention in Brisbane a couple of days later, I KNEW I was in for a whirlwind of emotions. I was already emotionally red-raw and knew I was in for even more upheaval in the heart region. Emma's workshops are nothing short of HONEST - and it's her honesty and integrity in her message that is what drove me to attend the convention in the first place. My own beliefs parallel hers, and I believe in her message - she's an incredibly strong woman and I admire her passion in delivering the tools to others to stand up and find their OWN strength in who they are. THAT is what I was seeking - the strength and capacity to find my feet again - the willingness to break free of my inflictions. I went to the convention with an open mind and heart - and knew I was going in head first... and I was ok with that.
|Check me out with my fake tat - TOUGH!|
Yep.. ! SO a very late night for me and then a very early start the following morning with a 6am workout - and BAM - let the educating begin! 6am to about 7pm each day for three days - with lectures, training, boxing, mindset and nutrition education, meditation and yoga (for a vague overview!)... wow... It was all in there - mind, body, spirit - it was intense, purposefully packed to maximise our time and give us the tools to educate and facilitate personal growth and change.
... and it threw me... big time. The lectures had me in tears - the education had my brain swimming - it challenged my thinking and "brainwashing" and made me question what it was I actually DO want and why I'm still fighting so hard against my own wants and desires, trying to be 'just like everyone else' instead of being ME (and standing up and being proud of that - no "follow the leader" sheep stuff). I've conflicted with 'programs' and structure now for over 2 years - my weightloss and mental health suffered for it in huge ways. The surgery and it's poor results instigated another mass degrading of my mindset (because it didn't give me the "picture perfect stomach" media showcased, nor "fulfilled me" when the superficial left my heart just as empty as before!).
|Emazon - our courageous teacher!|
.... as I said, incredibly hard to explain!! Hard to summarise what a STAND workshop or convention is - those that have experienced it will nod and agree!! Everyone takes from it what THEY need at the time... For ME: it was about learning to trust myself, to trust and listen to that driving force inside whose been guiding me this entire way. To understand that my choices aren't always great, but they're subconsciously made for very good reason. To trust that the universe is playing its part in my redevelopment too - and whilst it stings like a bitch, for the most part, it's because I'm on the path that I'm SUPPOSED to be on.
... and it doesn't follow anyone else. It never has. I've never been a follower, always on my own. And somehow... "somehow" .... I need to start trusting my 'higher self' that she's doing all this for my betterment. For my future. For my heart. For my freedom.
FREEDOM. Free from the hideous hatred and subjectivity that I'm STILL feeling despite the weightloss and life changes... and what I'm STILL trying to fight for, even with the meltdowns, the horrible mood swings, the intense up and down thought processes, the total confusion, the debilitating self-hatred because I 'think' I'm doing something 'wrong' because I keep falling short from what I'm brainwashed to believe is acceptable... She's still in there, and she's fighting... fighting fighting... for my freedom. Phew... did I mention intensely personal?!! ha!
|Holy mother of god I'm upside down?!!|
My hands were sweaty, I could barely breathe, and my knees were shaking. I held onto the trapeze bar - and HUNG off it (a first - I've never held my own bodyweight off a bar!) - then was encouraged to try and swing my legs up. Yep, managed that part, then nearly lost the plot when my knees were being pulled down from the other side to leverage me up - and I thought they were about to break, the pain shooting through my bad knee joints - had NO option than to pull myself up before I became dismantled at the knee-pivot!
... but I did it - I sat up there on a trapeze - I hyperventilated like a pro - and could barely open my eyes (I'm afraid of heights too, haha)... but I did it! "Somehow" I managed to get down off that crazy thing, and wobble away to go sit on the ground... and all I remember was saying - for what I didn't realise was out loud - was "FUCK YOU 200KGS!!!" .. then prompty fell on the ground and cried! Enter here a handful of nearby ladies who wrapped me up in hugs and told me how awesome that was, haha!!
I'll sidetrack slightly here and give you a glimpse of what I've "seen" behind the scenes of Amy... When I attended my second SYG (Stand Your Ground) workshop in March, there was a boxing training session at the end of the workshop that had us work ourselves into a state of 'alpha' being - where your brain is sidetracked from the mundane thinking of day to day life, and leaves you alert and aware and "clear". Afterwards, we were laying on the floor in a guided meditation session - we walk down a hallway, see a door, what material is the door made of, the door handle, when you open the door where are you, what do you see, what do you feel under your feet, walk further into this space and meet "you", talk to you, she has a very special message for you... When I did this meditation session for the first time, my 'visuals' were so intense - my door was wooden, the handle ornate, I walked into a garden filled with butterflies and flowers and lush grass, and my 'higher self' turned around to tell me "Amy, you are NOT alone!" I cried. Tears streaming down the side of my face... My isolation in my transformation has always been questionable and hurtful for me - and at this particular time, that message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I am NOT alone.
To cap off my experience at the Brisbane convention following the crazy "Fear Factor" challenges - our final yoga and meditation session was going to prove to be the most intense experience of them all (as though the trapeze hadn't just rocketed my socks off!). My meditation message was equally as important and incredibly powerful as the first one mentioned above from March. At the end of the guided meditation, when I "opened the door", my higher self ran over to me with an enormous smile on her face, threw her arms around me and told me how incredibly proud of me she was. I am PROUD.
I laid on the floor and sobbed... I don't know that I've ever truly been proud of myself for what I've achieved. I struggle with this regularly - all the accolades run off me like beads of water on oil - I question their validity because I struggle to believe it myself... it's "only weightloss" in my head. BUT here was my inner self - my 'true self' - telling me how intensely proud of me she was. Did that finally mean that had broken through? Do I finally believe it?!
I left the convention in a whirlwind of emotions - very grateful for the experience - but very very emotional. It seemed to drive the insatiable questioning in my head now - all these things I've wanted but not believed I deserved - all the conflicting beliefs in my head and heart... It had me questioning what I was prepared to 'put up with' from outside influences now and made me question if I actually AM strong, or am I actually the substruct of my own creating?! In any case, "questioning" is good - the upheaval that went with it, maybe not so much... ha!
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I came 'home' (my new home) very briefly, and felt incredibly isolated, confused and displaced. Add to this the pressure of pre-birthday issues, and the night before I turned 34 at the beginning of the month, I was in monster breakdown mode... again. Me and birthdays have never mixed well - and with so much upheaval in my headspace, so much male-oriented rejection, so many 'issues' with my body and the post-surgery gain... I was in a world of "I'm running out of time!!!" pain, and a birthday was the last thing I needed - it seemed to just rub it in further that I STILL lack so much, and another year has rolled past... and maybe (maybe?!) I'm just a silent bystander in whatever the hell is going on in this 'life' I'm supposed to be leading?!! I was ANGRY that I'd worked so freaking hard, and still coming up so short - why did I bother trying to do anything at all?! Why did I bother fighting for my life, when I felt so non-existent anyway?? ... so much anger and frustration here, and it all came to a crashing halt on the night before. I wasn't suicidal (very removed from those feelings of the past) - but I questioned why I was still here... and WHY was I still bothering to fight?! Very hard night, and lots of tears... but birthdays still happen whether you like it or not - and I still woke up the next day and clicked off another one. Again.
The next day was far less intense - lots of online messages, a cupcake at work, and a family dinner... I survived.
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... but as sick as I was for the start of the holiday, it was probably the overdose of Lemsip, cold & flu tablets and the (err) bottle of wine (I rarely drink!) that sent me into another big breakdown... Hiding in the bedroom, bawling my eyes out, being counseled by one of my beautiful friends, I blurted out so much of my sobby hurts that it seemed to release me a little... Something 'unchained' a bit and I could breathe a little more again (ironic, considering my headcold breathing issues!).
The girls have an uncanny ability of weeding out smiles - they're a very select group of my extensive online network that I've been lucky to have over the years of my transformation - have seen far more of my private ups and downs - and have hearts of gold. Our little weekender was so very important - not just for me, but for us all. It reiterated in my crazy little head that I HADN'T totally isolated myself after all, that my choice of friends are genuine and beautiful, and that in itself, reflects on ME - just as I am in this moment in time... and it's GOOD.
|My final morning walk - pure bliss!|
... but reality doesn't let you daydream like that! I turned around and re-traced my steps back to the girls, packed up and left... but not before we hit the coffee shop for one last 'splurge'... ! I left the Coast a little lighter than when I'd arrived, but certainly not in kilos (haha)...
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Coming home, I was greeted with my next big challenge... albeit a beautiful one! My sister was being induced with her over-cooked baby on the Monday - and I left her explicit instructions to hold off having that late-arrival baby until I was home!! Her little girl arrived the following afternoon, and I'll admit, the whole experience left me in a world of emotions here too...
Somewhere in my head, at some point in the last 15 years, I let myself believe I'd "never have things"... like a house, travel, relationship, marriage or babies. I don't exactly know why - though I was pretty damned adamant about it years ago that it'd NEVER happen. Up until last year, I truly still believed it too... til 'boys' started to notice me a little more, and the whole facade started to crack a little... because I DID want those beautiful things, and I resented the fact that I didn't have them. When all your friends are married, in a relationship, with kids (etc) - it's incredibly hard to be the random odd one out... ALWAYS. It's even harder when it's your own siblings, and your 7-year-younger sister is bringing the first baby of the family into the world. It stirred up some pretty intense emotions, and cracked open a wad of self-hatred for being "too ugly, too revolting, too whatever blah blah blah" into my headspace - that it was ME causing my own issues and why I'm the girl that noone wants - and how I'll NEVER get to have any of this...
Before I get told off or chipped about that 'silly thinking' - it seems I have some pretty solid timeframe issues filtering in on top of that 'junk'. For instance, if I go ahead with another corrective body surgery (and I need multiple... can't do more than one a year at the very most because of the health implications, cost and the extreme nature of it all - with at least two of them being major surgeries that I simply can't afford - so we're talking YEARS here if I can ever get to them!)... there's a few more years I've "lost" during transformation. If I can't find my own self-acceptance in amongst all that, then "how will I be able to let someone else in"... Big issue right there. Huge. But say someone manages to break through that to show me I'm worth being with.. (which hasn't happened.... but maybe, if I'm lucky?! .. they'd have to be pretty bloody special and stubborn, haha)... we wouldn't be dropping and having babies immediately... so lose another couple of years there... suddenly I'm approaching/in my 40s, and maybe babies aren't even an option for a mangled body, after everything I've put it through?!
|Teaching baby Abby the fine art of selfies!!|
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And to cap it all off - I decided I'd had enough of the confusion and ignorance fueling my emotional distress on the body and weight front - and stepped on the scales for some hardcore accountability. I'm TIRED of this hurting business. All these emotions have taken their toll in a massive way - and it's manifested in severe bloating and swelling through my surgical line, and a monster gain on the scales. I'm now fighting off about 8 kilos of pure self-sabotage, and my body is hating me even more for it... The physical discomfort I'm going through right now is troublesome, and I'm worried I'm doing damage to my body even more by eating myself into food comas and extending an already tender stomach! The surgery and infection took a massive toll on my health and headspace, and five months later, I'm STILL fighting it - it's swollen and sore to touch - looks unnatural and I'm faced with making a decision for later this year of going under again to correct the issues. ... assuming I can bring myself to do that again.
I tried to 'start fresh' on Monday (ha! bloody Monday starts!!), and managed half a day of "ok". I tried again yesterday, and managed another half a day... and again today. I questioned whether I should re-commit to another program, then baulked at the prospect of having to "start again"... I'm SO exhausted with fighting - mentally and physically...
... yet that 'tick tick tick' thing is plaguing me, and if I don't make headway and start counteracting the gain right now, it'll just keep damaging my headspace... right on top of all this amazing huge catastrophe of an emotional mess that's going on right above the waistline! If I don't step up and take charge, then I'll lose my shit entirely....
I have NEVER given up - I REFUSE to give up. I have fought over and over, I don't always win... but I don't give up...
So I will start fresh again tomorrow... and I will start fresh the next day... until I get through whatever this hideous hateful horrible hurtful thing is - because I KNOW whatever is happening right now is MEANT TO BE HAPPENING. Everything I'm feeling, everything I'm fighting, every tear is meant to be - this is an intense learning experience going on here - and whatever is driving all this instability is doing it because the Amy that's always been fighting inside, is conspiring for even more. I've meditatively 'met' her twice now - she's a force - and she's fighting... She told me I'm not alone, it's time I start believing it.. time to step up and fight WITH her...
Breathe in... breathe out...
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A little quote I read on a friend's Facebook page today summed it all up for me in one beautiful statement:
Refuse to fall down. If you cannot refuse to fall down, refuse to stay down.
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes
I refuse to stay down.
|... unless I'm laying on a pontoon in the sunshine... !!|