Monday, September 12, 2011

Changing the goalposts...

I DID IT!  7.5kms in 55:40 during yesterday's Bathurst Jog!  I didn't actually set out for a particular time - in fact, I had no idea what I was in for (what's new!). It was the first time I'd participated in this local event, and only my second attempt at a fun run (the first being the City 2 Surf just a few weeks ago - as per the previous blog post).

It wasn't until I came through the last turn and headed up the last few metres of the course, spotted the monster clock above the finish-line, that it suddenly dawned on me that I'd pulled a new PB!   A BIG PB too - normally my hour yields about 5-5.5kms...  here I'd just hooned through an additional 2kms and did the entire 7.5kms (including a heart-busting hill or two) under an hour and bulk of it I had JOGGED!!

All the training I've put in the last couple of months is paying off!  My fitness is FANTASTIC!  Despite the wonky hips and sore knees today (that's a given - they're still getting used to the jogging) - my endurance for running is fast improving!  I've been building my distance up gradually, and any time I feel my knees whinge, I back it off to my (maniac) fast walking again, just so I don't provoke injury.  My 'smart girl' tactics are paying dividends!!

.... and I have another 9kms on the agenda!  Off to do the Sydney Bridge Run this weekend, and I'm freaking excited!!!!   What can I say... I'm addicted?!

For a girl who couldn't even walk a few metres up the block from her house just a few years ago - shame, anxiety, severe lack of fitness - for me to participate in events like this is nothing short of LIBERATING!!  I forget, "in the moment", just what it is that I'm doing and how profoundly different it is for me - even just being part of a large crowd like that is severely different for the girl who preferred to hide in her house, least of all strutting her stuff in a singlet top (another WIN) and "look at me" runners... and gallivanting down the road with 1600 other crazy enthusiasts!!!

It makes me feel ALIVE!!   ... and the great big grin on my face said it all!  Both before AND after the run!   I AM IN LOVE WITH THE NEW ME!!!

... which brings me to my moment of reflection - POST ACHIEVEMENT - and what's in store for the next 12 weeks.

As some of you know, and as my Aim Train facebook group are aware, I've joined the 12wbt this round and we've just kicked off our next 12 weeks worth of challenges!   .... However, I signed up with some reservations and hesitation...

Coming off the back-end of the previous few months and winter - the gain and the severe mental shutdowns, tantrums and body breakdowns - I was SERIOUSLY reluctant to align myself with any sort of time frame that was going to create even more pressure. 

I'm still not 'ok'....   I'm still struggling to get my head around all the changes, all the publicity, and all the 'expectations' I've put on myself!

Never did put a time frame on all this in the past - and doing that in the last few months has proven highly UNSUCCESSFUL!

The thing is, despite that, I'm not finished.  I still have work to do and a way to go... but for the first time in this whole mission of mine, my new goals aren't KILO related. It really doesn't come down to that this time.

Nope.  I've moved the goalposts. 

I've been deliberating over this for a while now...  It's not something I've been speaking about publicly - there's a lot of beautiful people out there who look to me to keep them moving forward, motivated and who need to see 'possibility'... and I'm well aware of how influential my "backing out of the game" can be.   Rest assured, I'm not doing that!  ;)

Nope, this one's a bit more profound than that.  It's a biggie.

For the first time... well... in forever (?!) I'm actually OK with my weight.  I'm HAPPY.  I'm seriously HEALTHY.  I'm maintaining without an issue - I eat like a horse and elephant combined, I've stopped counting calories, I work my arse off and I'm super merry - and I've knocked my winter gain on the head and happily maintained "without pressure" for the last few weeks.

...THAT in itself is a shock to the system!

My body is cruising quite happily along at the moment - and *I* am HAPPY!

*key point*

The more that this has happened, the less inclination I have to actually ruin this beautiful thing I have going on...  whatever it is?!

My entire life should NOT just be about weightloss, kilos, calories and number crunching (just the thought of it makes my heart sink and my brain ache).   *I* am worth more than what those scales say. YES they are part of my new lifestyle.  YES they are reshaping the new Amy.  YES I'm addicted to it and love what it's done for me... but NO, this is NOT what my whole entire life boils down to!

It's NOT feeding my heart and soul anymore...

I moved the goalposts.

I don't think it was intentional - more a natural progression.  Either way, they moved.

Suddenly, a "goal weight" seems ridiculous to me.  It's not feasible - it doesn't DEFINE when I'll be happy - if that was the case, then I'm still about "twenty excess kilos unhappy" and that's utter bullshit!!!

Suddenly I've gone from having 3.5 years of traumatic vision, where EVERYTHING was so brutally focused and hinged on the scales - it's like I'd put everything 'on hold' because I let myself believe everything would fall into place when I was thin - and hey, guess what?!  It's crap!   Your life does NOT just miraculously eventuate because you lost some kilos - I've had to WORK for everything - happiness included!!   EVERYTHING all hinged on my weightloss..  and now, it just seems RIDICULOUS!

NOW, I want LIFE.  I want friends and social activities, I want holidays and travel, I want to allow myself the beautiful things and moments in life that I've missed out on... I want love.  I want pure happiness.  I want AMY.  

I don't want scales.  I don't want counting calories.  I don't want sweating until I puke because I'm trying to be like people 30kilos lighter.  I don't want to be so intertwined with weightloss that it undermines all the other things I can't see because my blinkers are so tightly affixed to my head all I can see is my numbers!   STUFF THE NUMBERS!!!

I deserve more.  I've EARNT more.   I will NOT be a person who lives their life defined by their love-hate relationship with a set of incidental scales!!!   They're a piece of NOTHING - my heart, soul, body and life deserve better!

The goalposts have well and truly moved.

I don't know what my "ultimate number" is now - quite frankly, I don't care!  I have excess skin to contend with yet (and I'll deliberate and discuss more in time - surgeon's appointment ahead).  I'm in the process of building serious muscle (am now addicted to weights) which does nothing but do my head in when I see up and down discrepancies on the scales because of it - but am seriously IN LOVE with the way it's changing my shoulders and physique!   It's getting messy and AWESOME all at once, and the numbers are pissing me off!  The scales are cruel, cold and manipulative - they no longer warrant my attention. 

I'm hovering just under 100kilos at the moment, post-winter gain, post-breakdown.  ... but I'm so freaking fit, healthy and HAPPY right now, do I really care anymore what those scales say?!!   There's more to this, and there's more coming...  !

My goals are now fitness and fun related - the next 12 weeks I'm going even harder!!   I want more Pump classes and muscle, I want to resculpt this body (surgically AND sweat enhanced) and I'll be hitting more and more of these social sweaty events, because they make me feel ALIVE!

I. AM. ALIVE.   
.... and it's about fkng time I got out there and enjoyed it! 

I'm DONE waiting for my life to start "when I get skinny."   Bugger off!!!   The goal posts for THAT were never feasible, it's just taken me a long time to see how shallow that truly is.  

Nope, things have definitely changed... 
*I* have changed.  ... and irrespective of where I go from here, those bloody goalposts better keep on moving!! 

I want MORE!!!

(... oh my god, I love when I get feisty!  hahahaha!!!!)

BRING ON THE NEXT 12 WEEKS BABY!!!   (... but sorry, scales, you're not invited!)


  1. Bring them on indeed. You are such a gorgeous soul! I am so glad that you are happy. Your photos are amazingly beautiful too.

  2. Amy your thoughts on wanting to find love and find yourself made me get very teary. As you said losing weight should not be what defines us, being 'skinny' should not be what defines us. Unfortunately - as happy as we are with our own bodies it is that constant pressure to be 'thin' that makes us keep going on the weight loss journey. I have a goal weight and hoping the 12WBT will help me get there. I just have to remember to remind myself that food and exercise 'should not' be the centre of my life - which I will achieve as it overtook my life at the start of the year when I did a similar challenge.

    Well done on the run and your new PB. I am not a runner. Don't think I ever will be but I will try and get my fitness levels up - but that means running. Blah...!!!! Good luck on the challenge. Wishing you much success.


  3. OMG please forgive my name slip. So sorry. xxoo

  4. Only one word for all of this, mate. Brilliant. Thrilled for you. Pand

  5. Well done and yes - you deserve a full life beyond the scales. We all do, so go out there and GRAB IT!

  6. Thanks so much guys - as always, much appreciated!!

    xx :D

  7. Well Amy you are definitely finding YOU and that is FANTASTIC :o) your post is heart wrenchingly honest and I love you for this, you always say it how it is and that is great. Thank you for sharing. Gail