Saturday, August 24, 2013

Why I persist...

I've often been asked HOW it is I've managed to keep going with my weightloss and health goals for so long - or how I even got started in the first place.  Some days I simply don't have the strength of mind to really give an award-winning positive-momentum speech (that's been very hard to do this year; with the setbacks)... but I always try and offer some sage advice or a positive note to help the person - whether that's to get them motivated enough to start, or help them push through their own road-blocks that drive them to come and ask in the first place.

If I'm truly honest with myself, though, there's a few key reasons why I DO persist - and its on these really honest occasions that I genuinely remember WHY I keep pushing through when it often feels like a waste of time, I'm not seeing results or going in the opposite direction - or it's become simply "too hard and I don't think it's worth it!" (yes, I have tantrums too!!).

I don't think I've ever noted them down like this - I was always far too worried about goals and numbers to genuinely acknowledge what this all meant to me...

... but that's the beauty of genuine, hardcore honesty.  I've been fighting back the past few weeks - and this morning I woke up with a clarity of mind that had me sit here and write these out.

My true self was talking to me this morning - and she had some clear-cut wisdom for me.  I love when she rises - she's always there - but far out, she's got some power under her belt when I need a reminder.

Why do I keep on pushing through?  My reasons are pretty damn clear.  I'm incredibly proud of my list....

Why I persist…

1.  To find love - so one day I have a house that isn't empty anymore - there's two people here who love me "just as I am", lumps and all  --- partner + Amy

2.  Because I intrinsically believe I DESERVE to be happy and healthy - and that takes hard work, both to achieve and believe

3.  So I can effectively deal with the ups and downs of emotions - including fighting through (and no longer fearing) the "dark days" - to wake up each day grateful that I'm still here

4.  To be a role model that *I* would admire - to teach people the value of health and wellbeing (via weightloss) is more about self worth than it'll ever be about the size of your jeans…. AND believe my own spiel

5.  To have a healthy body and mind to have my own family (*in accordance with number 1) - and be the role model to a child who deserves a world free of self-hatred

6.  To find enough courage to step outside the tiny 'box' I've contained myself in and find the life I want - including leaving my house - then my town - then step up and find even more in the expansive world that's outside my comfort zone

7.  To have an enviable relationship with food - no more disordered eating - to love and respect food for the role it plays in my wellbeing

8.  To embrace a body that has endured physical hardship but still moves in creating change with me - to admire its qualities and strength, to engage in its abilities, to push through its boundaries - to respect it as a superior machine and love it for all it is

9.  To finally be free of my self-hatred demons - and love both the inside and outside versions of Amy - an entire package deal

10. … because this is the life I chose when I decided to change. 

There was a reason I snapped at my absolute heaviest - it was consuming me, I was empty and I felt I had nothing to live for.  Changing this reality has already taken me places I could never have imagined, and shaped me in ways I didn't see coming.  It's given me the courage to find a true sense of self, and step out of the shadows.  This was a CHOICE I made and I need to respect myself enough to follow through with it.

I have to TRUST that with every failure and set-back, there's a reason.  I am strong and I endure.  I get up and I keep moving.  I try every day. Some days I fail.  I am human - I am no different than anyone else - I'm not "special" because I've lost weight, but because I'm a fighter, I will not give up, I will keep moving.

… and one day I'll cross my items off this list one by one - and then I'll address new things.  The list won't ever end.  It forges ahead with me, changing direction and shape as much as I am. It challenges me in ways I don't always agree or want to deal with, and sometimes it mocks me… but it always, always drives me.  I am better because I try. I am stronger because I've failed.  I am greater because I chose to change.

I persist - because this is who I am.

1 comment:

  1. I love reading your posts because so much of what you write when you are bearing your soul, is how I feel but would never have the courage to put down on paper or speak out loud or share with anyone. I have failed so many times in this journey that I fear sometimes it will end in tragedy and I wont ever complete it. I have not given up though and still wake uo every morning determined to carry on so the fight is not completely gone. Thank you for your words that although spoken from your mind body and spirit, they have reached out and touched a kindred spirit. The reason I dont post much anymore is because I feel like a failure when others are doing well. I know we all fall but I feel like I am on the ground far more than standing upright. I will continue to get up though. Thanks Amy for your amazing honesty. Heres to walking out the other end of the tunnel into the sun.We can see it we just need to feel it on our faces :)