I've been sitting on a bit of a secret this past week... and I'm still reeling from what it is I've done!
Have spent the last few weeks in an on-and-off emotional state, trying to piece myself together, trying to figure out what to do next. SO emotional over everything, and not truly understanding why.
I decided I'd had enough of the games, and the anxiety of stepping on those scales after the hideous winter that saw more tears and tantrums than I saw triumphs. I signed up and committed myself to the next round of the 12wbt (Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation). I've tried the program before, but I guess I was never really ready for it or it conflicted with all the "white noise" going on in my life that was dragging my focus away (the last 18 months have been ridiculous!).
SO I decided to cut my losses, stop with the excuses and just focus on working on my FITNESS and my HEALTH (my two top priorities - the scales can go be damned!) - given my body won't cooperate to lose any more weight, and the scales only see me upset when they either go back up or haven't budged... again... the same freaking cycle that I've been battling for the last year. Ugh. (You wanna talk plateaus - try a freaking YEAR!).
Having put my foot down and giving myself the boot up the backside that I so desperately needed (note: you have to boot your OWN butt - I never expected anyone else to do that for me - it simply doesn't work) - my mindset shifted. Felt like the old Amy coming back out to play - the Master of Ceremonies was about to unleash the beast!
I'd booked in a follow-up consult with my Surgeon many months ago - and put it off three times thinking I either didn't deserve it because I hadn't made my goal weight / was taking the "easy way out" (ha! what part of slicing your body to pieces is "easy"?!!) and couldn't justify it for myself (that same old brain spiral that I don't deserve to be happy, sexy, yadda yadda yadda... here endeth that bullshit - I'll spare you from the monotony of my inner monologue - I'm well and truly over it!!).
Many tears and emotional kickbacks the last few weeks as that consult date approached (the same one I was about to reschedule for the fourth time!), and I asked for some guidance from my very close friends - who have been walking beside me on this crazy path for the last couple years... they know how much I struggle, and how emotionally invested and conflicted I am with the "aftermath" of my weightloss. Sometimes you just need a side of rationality, with a dose of sincerity, to help you understand why it is you're so frustrated and upset - and having a group of friends who help prop me up when I'm about ready to fall again... it helped me work through that blockage, and I re-committed to going for my consult.
Breathe. I was now committed to 12 weeks of "healthy" and now committed to seeing my Surgeon for the follow-up consult.
On top of this, I pulled in my stubborn-Taurean head and asked for help from a special friend. He's a Doctor - specialising in Kinesiology and Chiropractics - and as embarrassed as I've been the last few months about "feeling like a total failure" I just knew something was going on in my body that I couldn't understand. I have literally FOUGHT the entire year trying to change the cycles and patterns of my body - the up and down scales, the hideous cravings, the mental breakdowns... I simply knew I couldn't do this on my own anymore, because I can't freaking SEE what's happening on the inside. So I FINALLY reached out for help.
I've been working with him the last couple of weeks from an "inside perspective" - he did his magic Kinesiology voodoo (haha!) on me and has already brought to the surface a WAD of issues that my body is contending with - all crazily intertwined and interlaced, that it just makes my head spin. Literally. The first consult we did a couple of weeks ago, he had me in tears! He's working on my emotions aswell - given that my emotional imbalance is directly affecting my body's state of health (and vice versa) - and a few key questions had tears rolling down my cheeks. I left there feeling like I FINALLY had hope - I wasn't going mental - there actually WAS something going wrong in my body... I finally felt like I was moving in the right direction again.
Between the support of my gorgeous girls and my new "Magic Doctor" - I stepped up and followed through on my Surgeon consult commitment. I walked in there last Monday and sat down - I was shaking like a leaf, felt like I was about ready to vomit. I couldn't remember when I'd seen him last - the first consult was purely for "research" (no pressure) - as it turned out, it was about this time last year. He'd noted down my weight at the time - and when I told him where I'm at right now - exactly where I was 12 months ago - that's when it just dawned on me that I've spent an entire year fighting the same freaking battle.... months and months and months of anguish, tears, frustration, anger and self-deprecating hatred for what my body looks like now. 12 months of feeling like a freak of nature, having worked my arse off (literally) and absolutely HATING the superficial results. I knew I'd been struggling really badly the last 6 months, but it broke my heart a little when that timeframe just doubled. Ouch.
(I'll note here that I DO NOT HATE who I have become or what I've achieved - I LOVE that I turned my life around - but the hurtful part is walking around in a body that doesn't visually show just how much work you've put in doing that... it simply hurts.)
SO it was GO time - I explained that I simply didn't have the energy or mental capacity to fight this same fight anymore. I love being healthy, and I love that I can "maintain" what it is I've achieved (... clearly... despite the ups and downs, I haven't regained my weight - I'm fit and I have the capacity to eat well. I'm fighting and working through my emotional issues - but I simply don't have the energy to hate my body anymore... I needed to break that cycle - I needed physical help).
He checked out my tummy skin - and explained what he'd do for the procedure. It's more complex than a basic "tummy tuck" - but only working on the surface skin, as all my underlying muscles are great (small mercies) and this would just take away the huge hanging 'apron' that I've been left to contend with. It's the bit that hurts me the most - literally. It hurts when I run, it bounces and stretches, I get sweat rashes and the skin splits, and it throws my hips and knees out - which just causes more pain. It hangs to the floor when I do pushups, and I can't fit into pants properly. I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror and my stomach involuntarily clenches and I have a lump in my throat because I just want to cry - I can't "love" this at all. I can't appreciate it - it hurts and upsets me, and it has to go.
He took a photo of my tummy for my file, and pulled out a hospital admissions form. Right about here is when I nearly vomited - the rush of blood to my head as I held my breath made my head spin - and I think I even held onto the side of the table. I blurted out something about not doing it too soon - I hadn't really thought about dates, I hadn't really thought about anything but getting my arse into that consult room!!! When he started filling out that form, it all became intensely REAL. (... and here come the waterworks, haha...)
I walked out to see his Secretary - who would look after bookings and all the finer details. She asked me when I'd like to do the procedure, and all I remember saying is something about "later in the year, or even maybe next year... I don't really know! I'm not ready just yet!". She explained if I wanted to do it next year, I'd have to wait UNTIL next year to book it. Yep, cut right there - suddenly became incredibly concise - I couldn't WAIT any longer just to make a booking. I booked in then and there.
December 3rd. I go in for my first phase surgery on December 3rd (.. and yep, here I go with the shaking again, haha...!). This will be my "radical abdominoplasty" as it's been written on my admissions form. I'm petrified, and yet I'm insanely excited aswell. I literally don't know whether to laugh or cry! I walked out of there shaking like a leaf (much like I am just talking about it now) - this is the start of my next chapter. My very painful "cut Amy to pieces first" chapter - but I know I've been subconsciously waiting and waiting and waiting until I was "good enough" after all this weightloss to start my life properly.... and for some reason (potentially, 'stupid reason') I haven't felt like I was allowed to do that in this "leftover excuse of a body".
So yeah, that's my little secret... Things are about to get a whole wad of interesting! I have 12 weeks ahead to fine-tune my fitness, get as fit and healthy as I possibly can for a better recovery and better results - and then off I march myself to tackle the next insane challenge.
Going to need all the support and encouragement I can muster as it gets closer. I am SO scared!