Saturday, February 12, 2011

Unhappy Valentine's Day

It's that time of year again. Rolls around quicker every year. Equally as bad as Christmas if you ask me, on your doorstep just after you've only just put that wretched tree back in the box!! 

Before you know it, there's love hearts and 'I love you' cards everywhere - TV ads, spam emails on 'how to romance your lover', and endless chatter about the romantic things people want to go off and do to celebrate V-Day this year all over facebook and forums...

... and I can't handle any of it. 

Not another year, please.   Can't I just bury my head in the sand for a few days, and let it all go away...?!

Ironically, I don't even care about red roses, heart-shaped chocolates or teddy bears - I could go and pick those up at Coles any day of the week if I wanted them...  No, it's the gestures, the feelings, the emotions, the heart behind them that I'm lacking - not the commercial crap!

Unfortunately, this barrage of 'reminders' of something I don't have in my life just hits in a really saturated way, this one time of year - and right on cue, the onslaught of emotions and hurts has sprung right to the surface because of it.  Oh yeah, bring on another day of feeling worthless, unnecessary, unwanted and ofcourse, unloved - just because of a commercialised holiday...  great.  Just awesome.

It was one little comment on Friday that has been rumbling through my head since, that started the decline....  being asked if I had a "significant other" - ofcourse, I had to say no (it's the truth after all).   I always follow it with a laugh and a joking "oh, but I have my cat!" - which doesn't actually dull the hurt that goes with it, but hopefully hides it from being written all over my face...  (*maybe if I laugh first, I'm less likely to cry?!*)  The follow-up question is always a stinger though:  ".... but why not?!".  

I really have no clue why not...

I've always put it down to my size - when you're as big as I was, then ofcourse you're "unacceptable"....  after all, that's how I've always been treated and grew up believing.   BUT frankly, it isn't always the correct answer when you realise just how many larger people out there these days DO have a significant other...  

But then, if not because of my size, then it must be ME whose not wanted... ?  Particularly now that I'm not the size I used to be...  There's something wrong with ME...??

I honestly thought that if I dropped the weight, that somehow all of 'this stuff' would just happen - that it would magically just turn normal ("just like everyone else"), and I wouldn't feel like the freak of nature anymore?!   .... but I'm so wrong...  and I'm gutted.

I would desperately love to say that I believe in the whole theory that there's "someone out there for everyone"  - but I'm plagued by so much doubt, I really don't know anymore...  I watch other people (always watching...) who just seem to 'connect' with someone - it just happens, like it's natural and supposed to happen... and even if it all goes sour, it doesn't seem to take them long to find someone new?!   OR there's those that have this intense doubt themselves, but their other half STILL breaks through, and fights against their fears, and they still manage to connect?!    I'm so envious of that.... 

It's embarrassing being 31 and still single, and not having the history that everyone in this age bracket seems to have.  It sucks when someone comments 'But aren't you worried?!'  (and yes, I've copped that too).  It stings like a bitch on special occasions when you're invited to go to something with a partner, who doesn't exist, so you just don't...   It sucks having to be "happy" for friends and their partners with their special news, announcements, weddings, births, travel, houses, life (anything really!) when you don't even see any of that in your own future...    It just hurts... every. single. day.

Normal "small doses" of all that I've learnt to deal with...  but this time of year, good old V-Day just rubs it in even harder, with a freaking steel-capped boot, just for good measure.

Talking through this with a gorgeous online friend today, made me realise that it's still one of the most extreme hurts that I have (albeit in secret) - and as upsetting as it is and embarassing to admit to - it's extremely significant.  She suggested I blog about it - and whilst I'm not so comfortable making this one public - it's one of the biggest pressing factors in why I instigated changing my life in the first place.   .. and why I need to keep going.

Have always believed I was destined to be alone.   I call this "my punishment" for giving up on my life years ago - and I wonder if this is what I now have to wear.   ... but I really hope not... I really don't want to be alone anymore.

I WANT to have a life, a future, a 'significant other' who thinks the world of me, who doesn't mind me gushing over them with all the unrestrained joy of having them there to do that!   I want someone to share my achievements and success with - that's what hurts the most now - for everything that's changed and all the good things that I've created through that change.... I desperately wish there was someone here to share that with, it would just make it even more amazing....  

SO, I'll go and cry over some commercialised junk for a little while again...  it's tradition after all!   ... but then I'll suck it up and get on with it tomorrow.  On V-Day, I'll put on the brave smile that I always put on...  but instead of throwing myself a pity-party this year, I'm going to celebrate the pain instead.   I WANT a future with someone in it...  that's a huge step forward for a girl like me!  ...the pain in my heart just proves it.   Hurts yes, but makes it real.

... and I will try and 'believe' that there's someone really special out there for me too (as much as I doubt it, my friends are right - you have to believe first before it'll come true...). 

And the big one - I must learn to love myself before I expect someone else to love me...  This may be the hardest challenge of all...  and probably the biggest barrier of everything I've had to face.  I don't have an answer or strategy for this one yet...

If I can do that, then maybe next year, or the year after that...  one day...  I'll get to celebrate my 'significant other' on Valentine's Day too....


** Not written for attention or sympathy...  just insight into the other side of my life.  Not everything is super 'happy' and celebratory for me - there's alot of hurts and emotions that go with the territory.  It's days and feelings like this that actually make the goals and wins even more significant and heartfelt.  It's all inter-related in the end. 



  1. It sure is going to be one incredibly amazingly fabulous guy who gets to be with you when the time comes, Amy... because it's going to take someone very special to live up to a beautiful, intelligent, generous and loving woman like you. You will find him, and he will be one of the luckiest men in the world. xxx

  2. Kell... love, love! xxx

    As a follow up - since posting - I've knocked out an hour on the cross trainer for a 1600cals burn. I refuse to give in to the emotions - no fridge for comfort - just sweat all the way!!

  3. Arghhh just tried to post a huge comment and it wouldnt let me post it and went into cyberspace :-(

    I was saying that I pulled up the comment box to post a comment after reading your heartwarming post and Kelly has said exactly what I wanted to express. I know you dont know me (I am you email fan stalker ... lol) but there is a man out there for you Amy and he is going to be the most special man that ever set foot on this earth because you have the most beautifulest (is that a word?) soul in the world. He will appear when you least expect it. I dont have to know you in person to know you are one of the most gorgeous people that I have ever had the pleasure of "meeting" and I know you really touch alot of lives including your future partner .. he is out there .. you are just awesome xox

  4. Awww lovely, you're gonna make me tear up again!!! ... thank you, so so much!!! I'm so humbled by everyone's support and belief on this one - particularly when I'm struggling to find it in this topic - I've had the most beautiful replies and emails since I posted this, so I know I'm not alone... SO grateful for you guys too!!

    xx :)

  5. Amy is your email still the same (tpg?)

  6. Ah sweetie, the more you know yourself, the more you'll realise just how much you have to offer. And it's going to have to be a pretty damn special man to be man enough for you! Hang in there honey. Turn the damn tv off when those silly ad's come on - it's all a commercial, money making venture anyway (cynical maybe, but true!). The man you end up with will make it Valentines day everyday & the 'holiday' will no longer matter.

    Btw,at 41, same issues.. I'm still single and would love to be in a fab r/ship. But it's amazing what makes you think. I had brekkie with my ex-fiance a couple of weeks ago (he's been married now for 10 years) and commented on how he doesn't understand why I haven't been 'snapped' up & how sad it is! Why would it be sad? I'd rather my life to his any day + why waste time on men you know are not worth it? Until you meet someone who makes your heart sing, don't waste your energy... the one you end up with is probably wondering where you are too!

    Maybe we should have an anti-valentines zumba class this week? Or simply turn it inwards and have a personal valentines, just for ourselves & celebrate who we are as strong, vibrant, intelligent, sexy women with it all!

    Deb (Zumba)

  7. Awww Deb, thank you lovely!!! Yes, the 'reality' side of my brain agrees wholeheartedly with all that - I don't believe in wasting my energy on just anyone... it's just the emotional side that gets all huffy and causes the dramas!!! (hence, yesterday!).

    BUT today's a new day - and the world won't fall apart tomorrow... keep on keeping on!

    Hahahaha... the thought of an anti-Valentine's zumba class is hilarious!!! I'll have that thought running through my head tomorrow I think - I'll throw a few hip-thrusts and 'wiggle wiggles' around the loungeroom, just to spite Cupid!!! ;)


  8. hey gorgeous girl....firstly yes i agree wholeheartedly that valentines day can be a very 'sad'day for alot of people...not just single people but ones going through divorce...or even the loss of others through death.....before i met my husband i was engaged to a guy who i had been with for 11 years and valentines day was soo important to me ....sadly though the day before valentines day i caught him in bed with my best friend... that valentines day was the saddest of saddest days ever for me...and one i probably will never ever forget....i promised myself never ever again would i celebrate valentines day .... and i didnt ...however i would still see it as a day of love ... but a day to love myself...first and formost... 3 years later i met my gorgeous hubby... and he proposed to me on valentines day...because my heart was "opeN" and i loved ME.... treat tomorrow Amy as the day you are to LOVE YOU....i beleive in life everything happens for a at the moment you are discovering who YOU ARE... AND everything else will folllow as you go ...hugs to you beautiful girl xxxx

  9. Thanks for sharing this with us, Amy.

    Your loneliness is natural and heartfelt and all I can do is hope that you know, deep down, that you will find happiness in the end. It might be out there where you least expect to find it.

    When I got back home after living for two years in the UK, I was 14kg overweight, broke, single and totally unsure what to do with my life. So I got fit, moved into a share house, went back to uni and enjoyed my friends. It was at that time that I met my husband who told me years later that he was attracted to the girl who was having fun, looking after her health and being a good friend.

    Funny, because it was the only time in my life up to that point where I didn't have my heart and eyes out for 'a guy, any guy' to take an interest in me.

    For all you know, there's already someone nearby, perhaps shy, perhaps trying to find the right time and place. Keep smiling and keep on doing what you're doing - he'll arrive but in his own good time.

  10. Thank you gorgeous ladies - very much appreciate your words of wisdom! xxx