That's pretty much all I can say at this point... my head is SWIMMING with everything that's happened today. I've just knocked two of my greatest 'start' fears on the head, and I feel AMAZING!!!!
You'd think today was going to be just like any other day - it certainly started out that way - but I had a very special appointment set up for midday that I knew would either make or break me...
Driving over to Orange for my appointment, I was a bundle of nerves. My hands were shaking and my palms were sweaty, and I had butterflies doing barn-dances in my tummy! I'd always imagined this day wouldn't come - it was "too far away" - a pipedream that seemed too unrealistic and unattainable. So, driving over, my thoughts were pounding through the temples in my head about what this means and what my 'reality' would be thereafter...
It was my first meeting with a Plastic Surgeon - all my goals and all my reality now hinged on the advice of someone who had the capacity to help re-shape the body that I've been working SO hard to change. All my irrational fears had surfaced this morning -
- What if he knocked me back and said there was nothing he could do? (unlikely)
- What if my new health fund wouldn't approve my surgery? (unlikely)
- What if what I wanted to do wasn't achievable? (unlikely!!!)
My hour meeting with the Surgeon was an amazing eye opener! He talked me through my options, strategies to help me achieve the results I wanted. We talked body-lift and thighs, arms, neck and back.. all the areas that carry the residual effects of having lost so much weight - that simply don't "snap back into place" when they've been stretched the way they have been... We talked about the preparation of it all, the psych of being prepared for the recovery, and we talked about what I wanted in the end. He showed me examples of his work, on bodies that weren't unlike my own... and gave me hope!
... and gave me nothing but praise for what I've achieved so far using the methods I have, and a great big thumbs up for pushing for more!
The weightloss was never going to be "just enough" - I always knew it extended beyond just the numbers on the scales. My body is in ruins... and irrespective of how far I've come, no amount of exercise can fix what I can't tolerate looking at - the constant reminder that I used to negate and torture my body in ways I don't want to HAVE to remember on a daily basis. The skin and scar tissue just makes me feel like I've never done enough, and surgery just means I can FINISH what I started!
I now have OPTIONS. I feel like there IS a light at the end of this horrendously long tunnel, and it feels AMAZING!!!
I now have GOALS. Another 20 kilos, and I'm good to go!! .. and I have a year to do it in! My newly enlisted health-fund waiting time frame is void at the beginning of next year, I can continue to save up funding to go towards the surgery in the year, and 12 months and 20 kilos I CAN do (or bloody die trying!!!).
... and I'm now FEARLESS on what all this means for my Mission. I know what to expect, I know what I need to do, I know what I want... and I KNOW it's all possible.
My hope has been reignited - the fire in my belly is raging red hot right now!
... and rage it did! As soon as I came home from Orange - SO pumped with this goal in mind - I walked into my nearest gym.
One of my BIGGEST FEARS in this whole wretched weightloss thing has been walking into a gym... and I did it. I got paraded around the building, we talked classes and machines, pools and trainers... I talked about my mission - and was given another massive kudos from these super-fit PTs for what I've done so far - and was told "we want you here!!!"
... and the cherry on top today...
I just phoned in and booked my first personal training session for next week! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!
I may be 40% less the size I used to be, but I'm 150% MORE "ME" than I've ever been!!
I WILL DO THIS! 20 kilos... bring it!!!