The Loneliness Factor

Struggling to be my usual 'perky' self at the moment, and the brain is on overdrive with a bundle of crazy emotions, but that's "real life" for you, and this isn't a fairytale.... (otherwise, I've been ripped off one Prince Charming, a castle and a bunch of dwarfs...)

Been a few rollercoaster 'dramas' lately - which all take their toll eventually - and this morning's announcement was just the icing on the cake. The big fat dirty cake I didn't want to have to contend with...

Loneliness.

It's something I've struggled with pretty much my entire life - being shy and introverted, then adding a horrendous weight problem on top of that pretty much outcasts you from the general public anyway...  but when you run out of energy trying to counteract it, that's a whole other story.   Let me explain...

I've always been a loner - it comes with the territory of being the "fat kid".  I've learnt to be self-sufficient and independent out of necessity.  I've grown up watching people interact with others in ways I can only dream about - friendships, relationships, colleagues, even passing by acquaintances!  Have always felt like the outsider looking in, and never quite feeling like I was acceptible or worthwhile enough to form part of that bond.  So I stay away, stay isolated, stay quiet and stay alone.

As I've touched on it before, bulk of my 20s were spent on my own - brutally alone - in a hermit-like state.  I did that of my own accord (blissfully ignorant to the damage it causes), where I didn't realise I'd literally taken myself out of society and into the void of 'nothingness' just because it was easier than dealing with the embarassment I was always feeling in people's company.

But things change....  *I've* changed... and being alone isn't something I can handle anymore.  ... but the cycle, ungraciously, continues. 

I work for myself here at home - my "work colleagues" are few and far between - which, for the most part, is fine - I've learnt to deal with that.    My social circle is limited - the close friends I do have already have their own families - so not wanting to be intrusive, I don't push....    I don't like to intrude on their time when it's more importantly spent on the people they care most about.

And ofcourse, living alone just means you always come home to an empty house...

'Most' of the time I'm OK - I'm quite happy to go about doing my own thing, looking after the jobs I need to do, working on projects, chasing my tail on errands, etc - during the day...   But nearly every night I get hit with the wave of emptiness.   I'm always empty...  

This morning's 'announcement' comes in the form of me losing one of my closest 'friends' - whose decided to move away.   Being asked to respect their decision and be supportive is a really hard thing to do when you're hurting so much inside.   Knowing full well I lose one of my biggest allies in the fight against pure loneliness, I'm absolutely heartbroken.   I'm scared of the impact it'll have on my progress... losing them as an 'activity partner' means I've run out of options for people to do things with...  losing them as a support network means I've got to find enough strength inside to pull me through when I'm not so ok... 

This whole weightloss business is isolating at the best of times - more so when you're facing a mission the size of mine - and I've done it on my own the entire way through...   but losing just one element of the mix when you need every little speck, I'm scared and I'm hurt.

I don't fear change the way I used to, but god I hope I have the strength to endure what I know will happen....   As self-sufficient as I am, I don't want to go back to being isolated... 

I'm more scared of being lonely forever than I am of anything else... 

So yeah, real life strikes again.   It's not all super perky smiles, funny stories and uber-motivation for me since losing the weight.   This is the down side....