Monday, January 24, 2011

The Loneliness Factor

Struggling to be my usual 'perky' self at the moment, and the brain is on overdrive with a bundle of crazy emotions, but that's "real life" for you, and this isn't a fairytale.... (otherwise, I've been ripped off one Prince Charming, a castle and a bunch of dwarfs...)

Been a few rollercoaster 'dramas' lately - which all take their toll eventually - and this morning's announcement was just the icing on the cake. The big fat dirty cake I didn't want to have to contend with...


It's something I've struggled with pretty much my entire life - being shy and introverted, then adding a horrendous weight problem on top of that pretty much outcasts you from the general public anyway...  but when you run out of energy trying to counteract it, that's a whole other story.   Let me explain...

I've always been a loner - it comes with the territory of being the "fat kid".  I've learnt to be self-sufficient and independent out of necessity.  I've grown up watching people interact with others in ways I can only dream about - friendships, relationships, colleagues, even passing by acquaintances!  Have always felt like the outsider looking in, and never quite feeling like I was acceptible or worthwhile enough to form part of that bond.  So I stay away, stay isolated, stay quiet and stay alone.

As I've touched on it before, bulk of my 20s were spent on my own - brutally alone - in a hermit-like state.  I did that of my own accord (blissfully ignorant to the damage it causes), where I didn't realise I'd literally taken myself out of society and into the void of 'nothingness' just because it was easier than dealing with the embarassment I was always feeling in people's company.

But things change....  *I've* changed... and being alone isn't something I can handle anymore.  ... but the cycle, ungraciously, continues. 

I work for myself here at home - my "work colleagues" are few and far between - which, for the most part, is fine - I've learnt to deal with that.    My social circle is limited - the close friends I do have already have their own families - so not wanting to be intrusive, I don't push....    I don't like to intrude on their time when it's more importantly spent on the people they care most about.

And ofcourse, living alone just means you always come home to an empty house...

'Most' of the time I'm OK - I'm quite happy to go about doing my own thing, looking after the jobs I need to do, working on projects, chasing my tail on errands, etc - during the day...   But nearly every night I get hit with the wave of emptiness.   I'm always empty...  

This morning's 'announcement' comes in the form of me losing one of my closest 'friends' - whose decided to move away.   Being asked to respect their decision and be supportive is a really hard thing to do when you're hurting so much inside.   Knowing full well I lose one of my biggest allies in the fight against pure loneliness, I'm absolutely heartbroken.   I'm scared of the impact it'll have on my progress... losing them as an 'activity partner' means I've run out of options for people to do things with...  losing them as a support network means I've got to find enough strength inside to pull me through when I'm not so ok... 

This whole weightloss business is isolating at the best of times - more so when you're facing a mission the size of mine - and I've done it on my own the entire way through...   but losing just one element of the mix when you need every little speck, I'm scared and I'm hurt.

I don't fear change the way I used to, but god I hope I have the strength to endure what I know will happen....   As self-sufficient as I am, I don't want to go back to being isolated... 

I'm more scared of being lonely forever than I am of anything else... 

So yeah, real life strikes again.   It's not all super perky smiles, funny stories and uber-motivation for me since losing the weight.   This is the down side....


  1. Oh, Aim - I so get you - I so get what you're saying.

    However, and I'm saying this because I know just how beautiful, smart, resiliant and courageous you are - one door shuts, another opens. I know how hard it is when a good friend moves away (or in my case, breaks the friendship)

    Sorry your friend is moving away - but you know, if you believe - more friends will come your way. Not saying its not hard or hurtful - but by putting yourself out there a little more - saying yes to every opportunity you get to meet people - maybe even expanding your business to get to more clients sites - more friends will come.

    Like your exercise habit that you never had a few years ago, being open to friendship is a skill that can be learned.

    Hugs mate. But you can do this. You've got the courage of ten people, the smile of an angel and a brilliant attitude.

    Time will bring more friends - be open to it and believe.

  2. Couldn't agree more with Pandora!

    I lost a friendship during 2010...okay a few....and it was hard and extremely heartbreaking....but WOW the friends I have now! It literally was one door shut and another door opened and suddenly all sorts of people were coming out of the woodwork!

    So yes, just believe!


  3. I struggle with it too gorgeous girl. Similar situation- live alone, isolated myself for far too long (though due to depression) and now everyone close to me is off having babies. The solution? Still working on it, but you will find peace and happiness, because your spirit is too strong to be hidden for long. xxx

  4. Thank you SO MUCH ladies for the support and gorgeousness that is YOU!

    I've calmed down now - I'm a very lucky girl - your messages and a phone call later that helped clear the head and give me some perspective back! Always humbly grateful for those who take the time to help - in any form!

    Makes me feel not so alone after all, and tomorrow's a new day!

    Thank you again! xxxxxxxx :)

  5. ..... and don't think loneliness is just suffered by those on their own. I've struggled with depression in recent years and tend to 'hide away' when things get hard and haven't been the best of friends to those that I have/had. It is tough and something that we'll all have to work on until our last breath. Then again, anything worth working hard at is worth it.

    You're an inspiration and you may just find that there's a few people in the wings who'd love for you to make the first move. I used to assume that no-one would be interested in me but have gradually discovered that they're often more shy than I am. You'll be fine, I just know it.

  6. G'day Gorgeous!
    Kath is absolutely right on all fronts.
    A friend of ours married a girl who is well over the 100kg mark and she is amazing. She's actually part of a Theatre group. Not only does she direct, she acts too! Like you, she's pretty, intelligent and still a little shy. She caught our friends eye because she was a table-top Gamer too. They acted out their parts and next thing cupid started shooting! LOL
    She made him wait for 3 yrs before they married...and when I say 'wait' I mean it!
    Can you see where I'm going? In what ever she does, she sets the rules and makes sure that she's responsible for her own happiness. I see you doing this.
    Friends; Like Kath says 'there's a few people in the wings who'd love for you to make the first move'. NIKE!!!