Week Seven: FINAL WEEK!

 

WELL can you believe it... final week!  Can't believe how fast this Challenge has flicked through - and here we are staring down the barrel of just a few more days... 

JUST A FEW MORE DAYS!!  Argh!   This has been plaguing my head for quite a few days now... and I know you guys were all waiting with baited breath for my weigh-in results this week... I know, because I've felt every tiny speck of pressure sitting on my shoulders with that one... 

If you read my previous entry - the Word Challenge - by the end of the week, I was so emotionally-shot, everything took a little turn for the worst...  and I'm sorry to say, I let it all get the better of me. 

Watching the scales every day since about last Wednesday, I could barely breathe - every time I'd step on, there was NOTHING... no movement, no improvement...  In fact, come Friday, I was seeing a GAIN on there instead - and that just resulted in one of my biggest meltdowns yet... 

I sat here on Friday for five hours, with my trainers and heart rate monitor on "ready to go"... but do you think my body would let me?   It was as though I was stuck in cement - I physically could NOT move - it was as though my body and mind had locked on that I was in seriously dangerous territory and they would NOT let me do any further damage. 

I wish I could explain it better, but it was this physical block that shocked me the most.  Talking to a friend, who had experienced a similar "physical reaction" at the peak of her emotional and physical exhaustion - where her body literally "gave out" and she couldn't move... it scared me.   I knew I was exhausted, but I didn't think BOTH my body and mind would put me into lockdown like that...

I KNOW that what I've put myself through the past couple of months has definitely been above and beyond my usual...  I've worked harder and faster on my weightloss than at any other time over the last three years - and unfortunately, it all came crashing down last week... 

I wasn't going to write about any of this - part of me felt like a failure - but I guess the fact that I'm REAL and my experiences are REAL is testament to why people appreciate my side to the story...  There's very little "glory" in weightloss when you're slogging it out here at home on your own - you don't have a whole audience out there cheering you on, or professionals at your disposal to make sure you're not botching something up!  Noone really wants to admit to hardship or the "reality" of weightloss - we'd like to think it's all happy and fun and exciting - we want the end result without any of the pain in the middle!!  ... but that's not how it is...!

So, you can imagine, every day that passed last week, with little to nothing to show for the massive amount I was putting in - I was pretty much a mess come Sunday morning, when I was supposed to "officially weigh in."   I'd been progressively upping all my exercise - up and up and up - clearly to the point of exhaustion - I'd been BRUTAL on my food and was actually getting to the point where I was scared to put something in my mouth (far out, I HATE that - I'm NOT that girl...) - and I was trying to "shortcut" my way into a loss - just because I was so increasingly anxious about registering a loss on those scales... 

The pressure of this deadline and meeting this last three kilos very much took its toll...  I was a mess. My body was literally in lockdown mode - my joints are inflamed and seized up, my muscles are sore, I've been sick all week, I'm literally exhausted...   I ended up in a massive bingefest with my face in a jar of peanut butter at 1.30am on Saturday morning because I've fouled up my eating too, and went into a huge self-sabotage spiral...  My mind is telling me I'm a failure, all the self-doubt and hatred filtered back in, I didn't want to admit defeat and was even willing to "cheat" my way through this just so I didn't look stupid....    

I couldn't be any more disappointed in myself right now because of THAT than I am right now... 

When I said YES to this Challenge, it wasn't about "me"...  I said yes because I wanted to help others - get them moving, and make this weightloss business fun and exciting!  I wasn't in this for accolades (clearly, I'd been losing weight for three years secretly!) - I just wanted a way to "talk" to alot more people out there and allow them to see the potential they have within too... 

.. and unfortunately it's taken a HUGE toll on me in the process.  Sitting here in tears the other night, I realised I'd given away all my success to everyone else...  I'm back doing what I've always done - negating myself in the mix while I'm too busy making everyone else happy!  When did I "switch off" that this was for ME and so willingly give it all away?!   How can I even help other people if I can't even keep control of this for myself?! 

SO, aside from feeling like a total failure on the scales department, I now felt like a complete fraud aswell...  Busting my butt for just THREE tiny kilos?!!! ... trying to fast track success and push myself to the point of a meltdown and my body breaking down - WHY.... ?!!!   

WHO was I actually doing this for?!!   When did I STOP loving my exercise and food and that overjoyed feeling of freedom - because, yesterday I HATED what I'd become - that all those beautiful positives I've spent years creating went straight out the window - and I'm so incredibly upset about that, I broke my own bloody heart!!!  

I'm IN LOVE with my new fitness, I absolutely thrive on the fact that I can move this body and push my limits, and try new things...   I ADORE food and use it as the fuel that keeps this body moving...  and I KNOW I'm strong in mind and soul - you don't get this far without that.    So WHY WHY WHY did I throw all that out the window for three stupid kilos?!!   

WHY did that ridiculous goal negate ALL my success to date?  Why did it make me feel like a failure, and WHY did it override MY own pre-set goal (which was to get to 98 - and I did that - I'm STILL THERE, I'm literally stuck there right now!)..  AND least of all, WHY did it make my "90kgs lost" milestone void?!!!  That's the SUM of ALL my achievements!!!     Why the hell did I let that three kilos be my undoing?!! 

I've been battling this for the past few days - as I said - and every day it's been getting progressively worse.  The pressure is INSANE - and one of THE biggest reasons why I never imposed a deadline on my losses in the past.   THIS is why I don't condone deadlines - goals are great, giving yourself S.M.A.R.T goals and challenges to meet are great, I LOVE pushing myself to try something new and breaking through in the process...

... I DON'T love falling apart because of three freaking kilos!!!!    The mind games are hideous...

SO standing on those scales "officially" yesterday - I can report in a great big loss of NOTHING. After working my absolute butt off all week - with all the "right numbers" on the screen (which are clearly meaningless in the scheme of things - doesn't matter how "good" you are on paper!!!) - my body hit a brickwall. 

... and I know exactly why - I did this to myself.   

I kicked those scales to the wall, I may have let out a very big expletive, and I walked away - digusted - downhearted - downtrodden - revolted...  

It wasn't so much about the tears yesterday, it was more that I was head-to-toe FUMING that I'd put myself through this.  I KNOW BETTER.  I haven't been doing this for three years not to know what works for my body and what doesn't... and I KNEW there'd be hell to pay when I went too far... 

SO, I had ALOT to think about yesterday - in light of what I've done to myself.  I sat down and had a bit of a "D&M" and hit myself with a few very harsh realities...  

I LOVE that I stood up for this Challenge for you guys (and for me!) - it pushed me to come out of hiding even more, and in that process, I've had the capacity to talk to even more people... and I KNOW I'm already impacting other people.  I have the messages of support to show me that...    I LOVE what this has done for me - yes there's been some huge emotional transitioning here (and very FAST in comparison to the longer-route I've taken over the years) and ALOT of physical exertion - but I've DONE IT and I've pushed myself to new levels every time - and I'm extremely proud of myself for that...   

I don't regret having taken on this Challenge at all - it's not all "love and roses" ofcourse, there's some serious pitfalls to this taking over my life the way that it has - but 95% of it has been extraordinary!!! 

.... but I regret having pushed myself to the brink of despising it...  which is where I found myself yesterday, and I was shattered.  I feel like I made MYSELF a bit of a science experiment - just keep pushing and pushing, and let's wait and see if I snap!!    It's like in science class when you keep adding that one ingredient that you know is gonna cause the explosion, but you keep doing it - just a bit more, just a bit more, just a bit... BOOOOOM!!!!     It's not FUN when you're sitting here crying your eyes out and negating EVERYTHING over three stupid kilos!!!   That was never supposed to happen...   

Amy, who are you really doing this for???    

SO, reflecting on that, I set MYSELF a self-imposed Challenge yesterday... and I'm doing it again today.   I wanted to see that *I* still had control of my body and my results...  I NEEDED to bring this back to ME...     I hit four rounds x 30mins (10kms) on the cross trainer = 40kms.... and I'll repeat that again today. 

I'm taking MY control back - I AM THE TRAIN DRIVER!  This is MY mission, MY work, MY success... 

SO, in light of the fact that I kicked my scales to the wall yesterday morning and told them what I REALLY thought of them (!!!!) and now coming into the final week of Challenge - no more tears, no more tantrums...  

LET'S GET BACK TO MAKING THIS FUN!   That's why I did it in the first place.   Get rid of the stress, the ridiculous pressure, the deadline and the goal...   I'm NOT the girl I used to be - I do this THE RIGHT WAY and I do it with integrity.  No more trying to shortcut or fast track (it clearly just stuffs up my body - and three years later, I KNOW better) - and I ENJOY and celebrate the success I have achieved. 

I'm not a puppet or a science experiment...  I'm REAL and my experiences are real.  What's the point in changing your life "for the better" when you feel that horrible sense of regret, remorse and restriction.  That's NOT who I am now...  

I'm the girl who goes out and busts her butt for 40kms on the cross trainer BECAUSE IT'S HER CHOICE - not because she's too busy trying to make everyone else happy...   

And you know what, irrespective of whether I meet this "end goal" or not, it's time to freaking celebrate!!! 

• I ALREADY made my 98kgs weight mark (which I doubted from the start I'd make - it wasn't necessarily a "realistic goal" given my body's loss history!!)  - and HELLO I've maintained it now for the following week! 
  
• I've hit my 90kgs lost mark (for crying out loud Amy, get that through your thick head!!!  90kgs!!!)
• I hit my double digits - which, was this not the point of the Challenge in the first place?!!
• I'm fitter than ever - I walked a new PB just a couple days ago (over 13kms) and busted out 40kms of cross trainer yesterday!   
• I've shrunk so much in the past two months, 90% of my wardrobe is void!
• I've learnt SO MUCH about myself, my body, my food, my mind in the past two months, it's INSANE!!!
• ... and I've been the Train Driver and team leader for god knows how many of you out there who came aboard and did this with me....  and I need to give myself a little bit of Cred for that... 

SO - as much as I love you guys - this week I'm taking back my control and being a bit rebellious!  I'm gonna have a kick-arse week looking after MYSELF!!!    I'm going to EAT and I'm going to EXERCISE at my discretion, and I'm gonna get to the end of this week with a gigantic freaking smile on my face, and be stupified by the fact that I pulled myself through the "challenge of all challenges" - for no other reason, than because I bloody well deserve it...  I've earnt it!

Bring on FINAL WEEK baby - we're driving this one home!!!! 

Week 7 challenge – Out with the old

Commando Steve said: "This is the final week of your challenge and you’re getting close to your goal. It’s time to let go of the old you. I want you to go through your wardrobe, bag up anything that no longer fits and embrace bright and vibrant colours. I bet you didn’t think I was the type of man to dish out wardrobe advice, Amy. You'll need to post a photo each day on The Biggest Loser Club Facebook page."

YES SIR!  One more week...   and this one is going to cap it off fabulously!!!  FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!!!   Style guru I am NOT - but hey, I was always really good at dressing up the Barbie dolls...  This is gonna be FUN!!   ....  now, do I actually have anything left in that wardrobe to actually show you.. hahaha!

:)