Sunday, April 3, 2011

Conquering The Mountain

So today it's Sunday, and I'm supposed to be here reporting in my weekly weigh-in, divulging all things "challenge" like and generally being Little-Miss-Painfully-Perky with all my insightful goodies.... but today I'm not going to do that...  well, not exactly...!!

I'm not weighing in today - I'm giving myself the rest of the day off for body and mind recovery.  I owe it to myself...  but like a good girl, I'll report in early tomorrow (promise!)...  and here's why...  

I hit a stumbling block last night - a messy mental hurdle - that after a bit of a grueling week, finally took its toll...  (right before weigh-in... ohhh bugger...!!!).  Alot of things have been playing on my mind this week - despite the fact that I've been training like a trojan, eating like an emperor (in a good way!) - I think it all came crashing down last night for a few key reasons...   "Discuss":
  • 8 days straight of training... which looked like this:
    double-header cross trainer / pump class (990 cals burnt), crossy 20kms (800), pump (350), RPM (700), double-hear crossy 45ms / zumba (1370), double-header PT resistance session 40mins / crossy & rower 1hr (1340), crossy 45ms (620), river circuit with jog interals 1hr (750) ....  and then add today's effort - 9th day straight - walk with mountain (630)
  • Food intake for the week was SPOT ON, albeit probably should have been a bit higher to compensate for the increased activity level...
  • This week's social challenge definitely pushed my limits (a positive) - but hit hard on the emotional front as a result (not so surprising really...)
  • Another week closer to the impending weightloss 'deadline'...  !!!
  • ... and SO very close to my next major milestone....  and feeling the pressure... O.O

MUST practice what I preach - after 8 days of solid training, despite my eating being VERY clean and spot on, the increased activity levels certainly took their toll.  Rest days are a MUST and I'm smacking myself swiftly on the hand for not taking the downtime I needed this week, big dirty NO-NO!  I'd be the first one to tell you guys to TAKE YOUR REST DAY!!! ... and here I was busting bum day-in, day-out knowing full well that's NOT something I condone....

Whilst I FEEL physically fine - in fact, I'd go so far as to say I feel FREAKING FABULOUS (strong and fit) - it's not the physical drain that sent me over the edge last night... 

Can we say 'SELF SABOTAGE'... ?!    Oh yeah... I took a detour down that path last night, and where it lead me was not where I wanted to go...!  We speak about self sabotage quite alot in the forums - and it's definitely something that I've struck again this week...  SO here I am, in all my honest-glory sprouting off the side-effects of one very physically and mentally draining week - and the consequences that come of it!

So what happened last night, Amy...    

A full week of great activity, eating on par, I get to the end of my Saturday, and I'm drained....  completely and utterly spent.

This week's social challenge was something VERY different for me - in a good "push your limits" kind of way - but the ramifications of a challenge like that were bound to catch up with me.   After Tuesday's AMAZING day and all the positives that came from that, I got a little cocky that I'd pretty much "done and dusted" this challenge on the head!  My confidence levels had definitely taken a turn upwards after those little wins (a good thing) and the rest of the week was much the same (lots more opportunities for general socially goodness)...  but in the overall scheme of things - the "bigger picture" - I was still falling very much short.

So along comes Friday and Saturday - what's dubbed the "social calendar" days of the week, and here I am, sitting at home alone (as always) watching movies (as you do) trying to entertain myself in my usual solitary fashion.... and it hits.   Like a rotten tomato to the temple... (a comedy of errors!).   I'm STILL sitting here on my own on a Saturday night, noone to talk to, trying to "distract" myself with movies (distraction technique from way back... take yourself "out of reality" for an hour through someone else's imagination...) - I'm lonely, I'm still isolated and have I just gone and FAILED this challenge and let you guys down... ?!   Let the mind games begin...  :(

There was some little comments last week that got stuck in my head - stuck on repeat as it were...  "Oh Amy, you must have SO many friends, you'll nail this social challenge, how could you not?!" or the "So whose the potential love interest you're going to talk to - they should think themselves lucky to have you chat them up" and the "Go hit the town on Saturday night - you'll nail it!".   Innocent commentary ofcourse, but reality is a VERY different kettle of fish, when each of those three elements are three of the hardest for me to deliver.

My "real-time" friends are few and far between - there's probably two who keep in regular contact...  Everyone else has partners, babies, families, work, LIVES of their own - rarely see or hear from them.  Makes 'socialising' with people I'm comfortable with really hard when I can never seem to get them in the same place at once!   As for 'going out' - well, the prospect of hitting the town on my own just upsets me too much, so hiding out in the loungeroom with a movie and a homemade pizza is the superior choice... and if I'm really lucky, the cat will come and sit with me, so I'm not totally alone... !    As for boys... well, I have no answers for this one and probably never will - and I avoided that part of the challenge (a few of you caught me out on that!!!) - but I've always just 'assumed' they'd never be interested, so why set myself up for even more rejection...  Oh yeah, I'm avoiding this one big time.. but what made matters worse, was when I'd gone on my walk that afternoon, I must have passed at least half a dozen families out frolicking together, and at least five couples holding hands, etc...  Right.  Awesome.  That's just great.  Thanks universe, great reminder.  I'll just keep walking on my own... cheers.

So sitting here last night trying to find distraction from MY reality via a crap movie...  poor little head went into meltdown over-thinking all these things...    "So... I'm still a social misfit - clearly I'm still not worth five minutes of people's time outside of the computer.... blah blah blah blah" (I'll spare you the finer details of my inner-psyche!!)  ... and off into a negative spiral I went...

I ate too much dinner (good food mind you, but a bit too much)...  hit the low-fat yogurt, then hit the cruskits and vegemite later, and when that didn't "fill the void" (and it NEVER does!) -  off I went on an almond binge.  Now, don't laugh -  blew the cals budget by about 180 (MINIMAL damage!!) - my choices were FABULOUS in hindsight and shows just how much control I DO still have when I very much could have gone down the path of indulging in toast smothered in butter, multiple times over (as I've done in the past!).  No, that wasn't the issue at all - that was just the consequence - and was my BODY telling me I hadn't fed it enough this past week for my activity level   ... and my MIND screaming at me for not taking that rest day, and letting these things fester to the point of meltdown and an emotional blowout!!

Two cups of peppermint tea later and in "calm yourself down" mode... me and my bloated belly go to bed. New day in the morning, and I'd bear the brunt of my poor choices then..

"Start your engines...."
SO today, I wake up with my steely resolve again - wipe that slate clean!  (...what doesn't kill ya...)  I had a self-imposed Mini-Challenge today -
off to hit a lap of Mount Panorama!

I've never been game enough to walk this - never thought I was fit enough OR capable - least of all brave enough to be SEEN attempting it - and today was the day...  Let's see what you're made of Amy!

In the spirit of the 'social challenge' this week I'd put the call out for other locals to come and join me - someone...  anyone...  hello....?!  (echo echo echo)...

Though I KNOW alot of you gorgeous BLCers and cyber-friends would have given it a crack with me if you lived closer - and as such, were here with me "in spirit" despite the distance - for that I'm truly grateful, you didn't let me down!!

The Queens of the Mountain -
Chelle, Mel and Moi!
HOWEVER, I wasn't alone!  Fellow BLC-er Michelle and Zumba-er Mel - hit the track with me (much to my relief - how embarrassing to put the call out for a social challenge and do it alone?!? Little Miss Amy No Friends, ugh!!)... and off we set!  Bring it!

Much grunting, groaning, moaning, sweating, huffing and staggering later (and that was just ME)... we reach the top!!  OHHH happy days!!

Then it dawns on me...  (in the light of a new day).  My meltdown last night was kinda like tackling this Mountain... and how fitting that it should be TODAY - right when I needed it the most, that it all comes about to reinforce what it was I was trying to do...   I was doing MORE than just climbing a Mountain today...  

I guess it goes a little like this...  The "Mountain" represents my next major milestone - getting into those elusive double figures.  I'm SO close to that, it's scaring the begeezus out of me!  I've NEVER been this size (albeit, must have rushed through here at some point in my life) - and the prospect of what lies beyond this summit is nothing short of scary!

It's like being an early Explorer, who set out not knowing what was to be found on the other side of the Mountain - I DON'T KNOW what lies ahead, I can't see it, and I have to have blind-faith that there's something worthwhile there on the other side that's going to make this climb so worth it!

The top of the Mountain is my 100kilo mark, and I've just stumbled before I reached the top - why?  Maybe I'm tired and the journey up has very much taken its toll OR maybe it's because I'm scared of falling down the other side and tripping over my own feet with the fear...   Part of me knows that once I get there it's "downhill" thereafter, and there's a whole world of discoveries to be made when I get there!  It's all new and exciting...  but is plagued with so much uncertainty, it's made the last bit of the climb SO freaking hard, and the doubt that I can make those last few steps has kicked in!

Cruskits, tears and tantrums don't help you climb Mountains...  but this little blip made me realise that I'm still ME, this is REAL and, despite the little hurdles, I WILL make it to the top  ... you just have to fight your way up there first!  One step at a time...  

SO, I climbed a Mountain today... 
and I'm setting off to crack the Summit of my 100kilo Mountain again from tomorrow...  

Can't wait to tell you guys what the view is like when I reach the top... whenever that happens to be!  

:)  xx

* * * * *
Chelle & Mel - THANK YOU for coming with me today - I'm SO grateful and it was so much fun!  Can't wait to do it again...  You guys are AWESOME!!  xx


  1. I am weeping as I type. Lived in Bathurst for a while so know how big a hurdle Mt Pan is. Lead a largely socially isolated life so know about that one too. Despite your self sabotage (and congratulations for recognising it) you are an amazing inspiration to those of us still lying to ourselves. Thank you.

  2. Wooooooo hooooo or should that be brrrrrm brrrrm Amy conquered Bathurst. Well done honey.

  3. Melodie MikolaitisApril 3, 2011 at 5:18 PM

    Having an emotional day myself i read your message and truly and whole-heartedly heard what you were saying.While you're painted as a hero we forget that you are still you and carry years of pain and baggage, yet you're kind of expected to be this perfect, happy positive person all the time.You make me feel so normal and not alone and i say that to you from the bottom of my heart.These negative feelings and self-doubt inside i call the 'monster' which comes out to hurt me when im at my lowest, and i thought it made me a bad person and a bad mum to feel this way.It makes me feel more 'normal' that others too experience similar things.I know how important you are in this world because you are helping women in more ways than you realise. God bless you Amy!

  4. Hi Amy ( on the forums I am smallerme) glad you tackled your mountain. NOW REST TOMORROW!!!!!!
    And give yourself a break...almonds and cruskits! That is a win in and of itself.
    As for "that" challenger...this too shall happen. In fact, might I be so bold as to suggest you enrol in a "non weight loss" interest class (pottery,photography,gardening, wine appreciation) whatever it is. Go in as you now, don't tell them right away about your weight loss. See how people take you who don't know the backstory. At worse, you learn a little more about something you are interested in. At best, you make a friend, or more, with similar interests?

  5. In the scheme of things, the physical blowout hasn't been as bad as the mental one. Iver proud of your for blogging about it - this is the tough stuff of weight loss. you're doing great mate.

  6. You are allowed to be human, remember! You inspire people because you're human, because you've been down and broken and you've done so much to change that, and keep changing. Nobody expects perfection, so you don't need to worry about letting anyone down :-) Once again, you have shown us how to get back up.

    And you know, I've been terrified of losing weight for as long as I can remember. There are huge mental barriers erected to keep us from all the nasty things that might hurt us if we let people in - like heart break and rejection - that's why it's challenging! And I think, if you've had such a huge realisation as a result of this challenge, the challenge has done its job :-D

  7. hey miss amy it was a ABSOLUTE PLEASURE doing the mount with you .. cant wait to do it again... hope yr recovery the backs of my calves are xx

  8. Oh Amy, Well done you!!!! I went for a walk around uphill parks and suburbia - first time since starting. I also huffed and puffed. I was on my own physically but like you joined by many BLCs. I smiled at others I passed and hoped I wasn't too red (ha,ha).
    You echo my thoughts. I started to lose weight then got scared of what might happen. I had to jump the hurdle to start again. I am still apprehensive of the end so focus on today.
    I am everyone's "friend" but noone's love interest - it sucks but that's how it is.
    Then I realised I have to love me first before anyone else can - I struggle with this some days.
    Amy I hear you, I hug you and I am cheering you on. You are my inspiration at present and I love the fact that you are realistic. There are good and bad days and there are BLOODY AWESOME days. That's life.
    Love Cazz71

  9. Thank you SO MUCH ladies - I'm so grateful for the support and understanding... you guys are SO gorgeous, and as always, appreciate your insight too!! Always forward! xx :)

  10. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel a bit down at times and you deserve to have those magical social moments and that guy.... but you know that too now and it'll happen. In the meantime, you're working hard - bloody hard - and recognising your negative moments and moving beyond them. You've doing so, so much better than you know. And inspiring so many more people than you know.

  11. If only all my "failings" were of the kind you just reported!
    Being overtired plays some funny tricks with our minds. One great thing about sleep...whilst we may not be exercising, we are certainly not eating!
    I reckon you're right on track Amy and it's all going to happen for you. If you can do the circuit at Bathurst, you're definately a winner! xxx

  12. Youre doing really well Amy, just keep going. It's so worth it in the end.

  13. I wish i lived near Bathurst how i would have loved to have come with you .. I think you are amazing and would love all your vibes to rub off on me .. when you come to Sydney next and do any challenges put the call out and I will be there to support you for sure :-)

    Keep up the great work and remember to rest its just as important as the exercise!!! xox