So today it's Sunday, and I'm supposed to be here reporting in my weekly weigh-in, divulging all things "challenge" like and generally being Little-Miss-Painfully-Perky with all my insightful goodies.... but today I'm not going to do that... well, not exactly...!!
I'm not weighing in today - I'm giving myself the rest of the day off for body and mind recovery. I owe it to myself... but like a good girl, I'll report in early tomorrow (promise!)... and here's why...
I hit a stumbling block last night - a messy mental hurdle - that after a bit of a grueling week, finally took its toll... (right before weigh-in... ohhh bugger...!!!). Alot of things have been playing on my mind this week - despite the fact that I've been training like a trojan, eating like an emperor (in a good way!) - I think it all came crashing down last night for a few key reasons... "Discuss":
- 8 days straight of training... which looked like this:
double-header cross trainer / pump class (990 cals burnt), crossy 20kms (800), pump (350), RPM (700), double-hear crossy 45ms / zumba (1370), double-header PT resistance session 40mins / crossy & rower 1hr (1340), crossy 45ms (620), river circuit with jog interals 1hr (750) .... and then add today's effort - 9th day straight - walk with mountain (630)
- Food intake for the week was SPOT ON, albeit probably should have been a bit higher to compensate for the increased activity level...
- This week's social challenge definitely pushed my limits (a positive) - but hit hard on the emotional front as a result (not so surprising really...)
- Another week closer to the impending weightloss 'deadline'... !!!
- ... and SO very close to my next major milestone.... and feeling the pressure... O.O
MUST practice what I preach - after 8 days of solid training, despite my eating being VERY clean and spot on, the increased activity levels certainly took their toll. Rest days are a MUST and I'm smacking myself swiftly on the hand for not taking the downtime I needed this week, big dirty NO-NO! I'd be the first one to tell you guys to TAKE YOUR REST DAY!!! ... and here I was busting bum day-in, day-out knowing full well that's NOT something I condone....
Whilst I FEEL physically fine - in fact, I'd go so far as to say I feel FREAKING FABULOUS (strong and fit) - it's not the physical drain that sent me over the edge last night...
Can we say 'SELF SABOTAGE'... ?! Oh yeah... I took a detour down that path last night, and where it lead me was not where I wanted to go...! We speak about self sabotage quite alot in the forums - and it's definitely something that I've struck again this week... SO here I am, in all my honest-glory sprouting off the side-effects of one very physically and mentally draining week - and the consequences that come of it!
So what happened last night, Amy...
A full week of great activity, eating on par, I get to the end of my Saturday, and I'm drained.... completely and utterly spent.
This week's social challenge was something VERY different for me - in a good "push your limits" kind of way - but the ramifications of a challenge like that were bound to catch up with me. After Tuesday's AMAZING day and all the positives that came from that, I got a little cocky that I'd pretty much "done and dusted" this challenge on the head! My confidence levels had definitely taken a turn upwards after those little wins (a good thing) and the rest of the week was much the same (lots more opportunities for general socially goodness)... but in the overall scheme of things - the "bigger picture" - I was still falling very much short.
So along comes Friday and Saturday - what's dubbed the "social calendar" days of the week, and here I am, sitting at home alone (as always) watching movies (as you do) trying to entertain myself in my usual solitary fashion.... and it hits. Like a rotten tomato to the temple... (a comedy of errors!). I'm STILL sitting here on my own on a Saturday night, noone to talk to, trying to "distract" myself with movies (distraction technique from way back... take yourself "out of reality" for an hour through someone else's imagination...) - I'm lonely, I'm still isolated and have I just gone and FAILED this challenge and let you guys down... ?! Let the mind games begin... :(
There was some little comments last week that got stuck in my head - stuck on repeat as it were... "Oh Amy, you must have SO many friends, you'll nail this social challenge, how could you not?!" or the "So whose the potential love interest you're going to talk to - they should think themselves lucky to have you chat them up" and the "Go hit the town on Saturday night - you'll nail it!". Innocent commentary ofcourse, but reality is a VERY different kettle of fish, when each of those three elements are three of the hardest for me to deliver.
My "real-time" friends are few and far between - there's probably two who keep in regular contact... Everyone else has partners, babies, families, work, LIVES of their own - rarely see or hear from them. Makes 'socialising' with people I'm comfortable with really hard when I can never seem to get them in the same place at once! As for 'going out' - well, the prospect of hitting the town on my own just upsets me too much, so hiding out in the loungeroom with a movie and a homemade pizza is the superior choice... and if I'm really lucky, the cat will come and sit with me, so I'm not totally alone... ! As for boys... well, I have no answers for this one and probably never will - and I avoided that part of the challenge (a few of you caught me out on that!!!) - but I've always just 'assumed' they'd never be interested, so why set myself up for even more rejection... Oh yeah, I'm avoiding this one big time.. but what made matters worse, was when I'd gone on my walk that afternoon, I must have passed at least half a dozen families out frolicking together, and at least five couples holding hands, etc... Right. Awesome. That's just great. Thanks universe, great reminder. I'll just keep walking on my own... cheers.
So sitting here last night trying to find distraction from MY reality via a crap movie... poor little head went into meltdown over-thinking all these things... "So... I'm still a social misfit - clearly I'm still not worth five minutes of people's time outside of the computer.... blah blah blah blah" (I'll spare you the finer details of my inner-psyche!!) ... and off into a negative spiral I went...
I ate too much dinner (good food mind you, but a bit too much)... hit the low-fat yogurt, then hit the cruskits and vegemite later, and when that didn't "fill the void" (and it NEVER does!) - off I went on an almond binge. Now, don't laugh - blew the cals budget by about 180 (MINIMAL damage!!) - my choices were FABULOUS in hindsight and shows just how much control I DO still have when I very much could have gone down the path of indulging in toast smothered in butter, multiple times over (as I've done in the past!). No, that wasn't the issue at all - that was just the consequence - and was my BODY telling me I hadn't fed it enough this past week for my activity level ... and my MIND screaming at me for not taking that rest day, and letting these things fester to the point of meltdown and an emotional blowout!!
Two cups of peppermint tea later and in "calm yourself down" mode... me and my bloated belly go to bed. New day in the morning, and I'd bear the brunt of my poor choices then..
|"Start your engines...."|
off to hit a lap of Mount Panorama!
I've never been game enough to walk this - never thought I was fit enough OR capable - least of all brave enough to be SEEN attempting it - and today was the day... Let's see what you're made of Amy!
In the spirit of the 'social challenge' this week I'd put the call out for other locals to come and join me - someone... anyone... hello....?! (echo echo echo)...
Though I KNOW alot of you gorgeous BLCers and cyber-friends would have given it a crack with me if you lived closer - and as such, were here with me "in spirit" despite the distance - for that I'm truly grateful, you didn't let me down!!
|The Queens of the Mountain - |
Chelle, Mel and Moi!
Much grunting, groaning, moaning, sweating, huffing and staggering later (and that was just ME)... we reach the top!! OHHH happy days!!
Then it dawns on me... (in the light of a new day). My meltdown last night was kinda like tackling this Mountain... and how fitting that it should be TODAY - right when I needed it the most, that it all comes about to reinforce what it was I was trying to do... I was doing MORE than just climbing a Mountain today...
I guess it goes a little like this... The "Mountain" represents my next major milestone - getting into those elusive double figures. I'm SO close to that, it's scaring the begeezus out of me! I've NEVER been this size (albeit, must have rushed through here at some point in my life) - and the prospect of what lies beyond this summit is nothing short of scary!
It's like being an early Explorer, who set out not knowing what was to be found on the other side of the Mountain - I DON'T KNOW what lies ahead, I can't see it, and I have to have blind-faith that there's something worthwhile there on the other side that's going to make this climb so worth it!
The top of the Mountain is my 100kilo mark, and I've just stumbled before I reached the top - why? Maybe I'm tired and the journey up has very much taken its toll OR maybe it's because I'm scared of falling down the other side and tripping over my own feet with the fear... Part of me knows that once I get there it's "downhill" thereafter, and there's a whole world of discoveries to be made when I get there! It's all new and exciting... but is plagued with so much uncertainty, it's made the last bit of the climb SO freaking hard, and the doubt that I can make those last few steps has kicked in!
Cruskits, tears and tantrums don't help you climb Mountains... but this little blip made me realise that I'm still ME, this is REAL and, despite the little hurdles, I WILL make it to the top ... you just have to fight your way up there first! One step at a time...
SO, I climbed a Mountain today...
and I'm setting off to crack the Summit of my 100kilo Mountain again from tomorrow...
and I'm setting off to crack the Summit of my 100kilo Mountain again from tomorrow...
Can't wait to tell you guys what the view is like when I reach the top... whenever that happens to be!
* * * * *
Chelle & Mel - THANK YOU for coming with me today - I'm SO grateful and it was so much fun! Can't wait to do it again... You guys are AWESOME!! xx