Sweat, 'that dress' and Emazon

It's happening.  It's REALLY happening.  My head has just been BUZZING since the weekend - and nothing has been able to wipe the smile off my face!

This is really happening.


For over 12 months I've been working on "the skin issue".  Over 12 months of fighting against the pain when I ran; the feeling of 'grossness' and 'freakiness'; the sweat rashes; the downward spiral of my mental health just because I LOATHED the body that was "leftover" after all the weightloss.  So bitterly disappointed, given I was still "too big to be a role model" (words that still ring in my ears) - and still feeling like there was something wrong with me...

I've fought my way through this year's breakdown, the subsequent meltdowns, and came to the crashing realisation that I simply couldn't do this alone anymore.  ... and called in for reinforcements. A bold move on my part, given my lack of "being able to ask for help" in the past.  This was strategy - I simply couldn't fight this alone anymore.

So one by one, I aligned myself with professionals - CHAMPIONS - who could help me facilitate the changes in my body and mindset that would help me get further AWAY from the degrading self-hatred that was ruining me.

Four goes it took me to be brave enough to front the Surgeon for the second time (just as I mentioned in the previous post) - and four lots of tears before I walked in that door, he handed me the form, and the decision was made.

... but it still wasn't real.  It felt like an illusion - far away and far too "day-dreamy" to bring me what I needed.  It was an easy escape surely... ?!


So I embarked on the 12wbt - with no other goals than pure fitness-related (given my weight wouldn't budge)... and diligently followed the meal plan the first few weeks.  I was so excited with bringing structure back into play - but a few weeks in, the lack of results (no surprise there - body and I were at loggerheads) and my emotional imbalances took over again... and I fought with it the entire way through the rest of the program.

I felt like a deadset failure.  My weight fluctuated up and down, I'd cry myself to sleep every night, I'd fight with my body and the frustration.  Again, I called in reinforcements.


Working with my Kinesiologist - a gorgeous friend of mine - he deliberately started picking me to pieces.  My body was shot - my headspace was ruined.  They were feeding off each other - and I was getting further and further "toxic" in all aspects, because of it.  So he started working his magic...  Week after week, he'd pick the next ailment - he'd push my emotional barriers (and generally have me in tears!) - and if nothing else, I felt like I had a guiding hand and a friendly hug each week to help me on my way.  It was my godsend.

When the emotions simply wouldn't let up, and my sanity was starting to waver (even more than normal!) - the nightly tears, and losing it multiple times at work...   I was scared.   The fear of returning to a state of depression (like the one that stole a decade of my life) sent me straight to my Naturopath.  My next reinforcement strategy.  I was so relieved when she said I was in a state of anxiety - and as she said, she simply wasn't surprised, given everything that had happened and what I was about to face.  Armed with a bottle of natural pills, I walked out the door.... and the next day, felt the relief already!  I've been on the tablets ever since - and it's already helped ease my nightly-tears, helped calm my nerves, meant I could focus and make rational decisions again, and my eating has improved three-fold.  For the first time in a long time, I was starting to feel like MYSELF again.  These tablets I'll be on pre and post-surgery - to make sure I can stay calm and rational through all the changes that are about to happen.


After booking my surgery, I was determined to make sure my body was at its fitest - make sure I was super healthy before I cut myself to pieces.  I embarked on a self-imposed "50 days of Fitness" challenge - which ended exactly on the 12wbt Finale weekend!  I'll confess, that when I set that up for myself, I didn't actually assume I'd do it... least of all see much result out of it, given I was still doing "the same old, same old"....   boy was I wrong!!

I just went about my usual training - Pump and RPM as my base, a lap of Mount Panorama occasionally on weekends.  I really didn't think anything of it - until I started getting feisty and pushing for higher PBs!  The 16kgs weighted lap of Mt Panorana that I did a month ago is still fresh in my mind - it's one of my proudest HEAVY achievements and it surprised the hell out of me what my body was capable of doing (and OMG I'm still reminiscing about those DOMS the week following, haha!).  My other major achievement, the 30kgs squat track in my Pump class that I now do as my regular weight - I was SO excited about hitting this marker, that it gave me the confidence to step it up to the next notch...  signing up with a PT and hitting the weights room.

I hit my first full session with my new PT on Monday, and am still walking slightly funny... haha!  He keeps asking me how I am, and "at the time" I thought the session was easy - that I was "all good"... ummm.... !!!!!!    He's a huge part of my strategy now too - a couple of sessions pre-surgery (I have one left next week) - and then it's all POST-surgery toning and rehabilitation when I get out.  He will help me reshape the rest of my body - and keep me sane (ie: stop me trying to destroy myself when I can't see the results!) - and I can't wait!   He's a MACHINE - and I'm so excited to bring that into play! 

... and little did I realise - while I was just "going through the motions" with my training during this couple of months, thinking my body was doing nothing (cuz the scales sure as hell werent)...  my body was in a whole new phase of transitioning.  Whilst I'd focused purely on fitness and strength to be super healthy for my surgery - my body was morphing again... !  I was just too distracted to see it!

Reluctantly doing my weigh-in and measure-up at the end of the 12wbt, I was feeling really deflated about the whole thing.  Big failure...  I even waited until it was too late to make the numbers 'official' because I was already believing I'd done nothing.   Ohhhh how wrong I was!   6cms off my hips - THE only place on my body I rarely lose because of the skin... and five kilos off - I was pretty "ok" with that!!!     Hell, I was MORE than ok with that when I saw the photos... (but now I'm just getting ahead of myself.. haha!). 

When I hit Sydney for the 12wbt Finale last Saturday, I was SO enthusiastic for the group outdoor workout!  Armed in our "army greens"  (the 30+ers group uniform!) - I ran out there like a crazy person!  NOTHING seemed to phase me - strutting my stuff in costume (that's a first!) - meeting new people and not wanting to run away and hide (another first!) - and then absolutely BELTING OUT the outdoor circuit (equivalent of a full-on Body Attack class - the one that I NEVER do because it brutalises my knees and I'm too unfit!) - and yet I smashed that out like I had no issues at all!   I was SO hot and sweaty by the end of it all, but totally pumped and left with a giant sense of achievement in my puffed-out peacock-style chest!!

... but it didn't end there.


Glamming up that afternoon for the Finale Party... I didn't really have much "grand hope" on this one!  I'd taken my dress (last time I took three choices because I couldn't make a decision - this time it was just one - and I prayed I'd still fit into by that night!!) - and figured I'd just make a little effort to look nice.  Try and make myself feel better - after the months of thinking I looked like shit again... (!!!! I know... don't say a word...!)

Makeup, eyelashes, hair extensions in - I was just in "experimentation" mode more than anything - just wanted to FEEL good about myself - in amongst a sea of sexy weightloss goddesses... I didn't really think I'd feel that great at all... but I'd give it a go at least.  I'd already tried a few things on at home beforehand, just to make sure I'd have the confidence to do it on the night...  Figured if I chickened out, I'd just go back to basics.

Wiggling my way into my dress as my final thing to put on - I breathed a sigh of relief realising I still fit into the bloody thing (mind games... hate them!!) - then took myself to the mirror.

... and stopped dead in my tracks.

I didn't recognise her.  I did a double-take.  The person in front of the mirror, surely that wasn't me?!  I'm pretty sure I let out a few expletives in my head at this point - I know damn well there was a LOT of OMGs coming out of my mouth!!

My roommate was having her own moments like that - in her tiny brand new dress (she's lost over 40kgs herself, and had a successful 11kgs loss that round, even with an injury) - both of us stood there gaping at the mirror, and loved what we saw!!! 

Too excited to cry (haha, how's that for a first!!!) - we set off for the party!  Fast forward to entering the building, chasing glasses of champagne, nibblies and general mingling.... it was GAME ON for FUN!!!   Manda and I spent the entire night strutting our stuff, DANCING (dancing, dancing, dancing!) and having as much bloody fun as we could fit into a handful of hours!   We were there until the music stopped, and were the last ones in the photo booth before they shut the doors!   We staggered out the front door to the bus on our way back to the hostel, and were so merry (ahem, slightly bubble-induced giggly wobbly... err... !!!) - but we were just on top of the world!   Whilst the bubbles may have played a slight part in that - I do believe the emphasis is truly on the SLIGHT.   There was far more going on here than intoxication.. haha!

... and then there were the PHOTOS!!!   These have got to be some of my most favourite shots I've EVER had taken - I'm so proud of these!   Yes, my body has changed shape again (I have SHOULDER MUSCLES!!!) - and yep, that dress is super flattering and I'm loving the look... but more importantly - I'm HAPPY!!    My face says it all!

But it didn't end there...


Sunday morning, up bright and early (err... scratch the "bright" somewhat...)  - it was off to a special session with Emazon.  Now, I had NO idea what to expect from this - but I'd heard only good things about this powerhouse woman and her "ways" of transforming women's minds...

... and I knew I was in dire need of some help in that department.


I'd been offered a place at the session, and I simply couldn't say no. After the months of mental hell, and despite my strategic help from my CHAMPIONS - my mindset was still stuck in the 'shit zone'.  I knew it was time to try something radical.

I don't really know how to explain what happened during the session - or how to describe what this session actually IS.... but something shifted.  Something magic happened.  Something clicked - FINALLY.

Early on in the course, I was in tears - Emazon doesn't mince her words.  She speaks the truth.  She's a no-bullshit woman, and her philosophies are so acutely aligned with my own... it STUNG to hear those home truths come back into play.  Things I already knew - like the limitations of my "superficial thinking"... the struggle of overcoming the barriers holding me back.

Everyone takes something different out of her class - but my messages were as plain as day to me.  Every time something would come up, it's like a light would go off in my head.  Every. Freaking. Time.

1.  Numbers are NOT my friend - they will NOT make me happy.
2.  I am far more than just my weightloss - this simply does NOT define who I am.
3.  My 'superior self' does NOT tolerate being used.
4.  My 'Red Woman' will NOT tolerate degradation to meet other people's sub-standards or superficial conscripts.
5.  I AM a fighter - there's a strength in me that has guided me through hell, and has ALWAYS known what to do.
6.  The barriers and set-backs have been there FOR A REASON.  Every time I fuck it up, it sends me back to get it right...
8.  There is FREEDOM in honesty and integrity - and I embody both of these things already.
9.  My passion and purpose is already there - it's already shaping me.
10. Who I am, as I am, in this moment - is enough.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.

I have others - but I'm still brewing on the power of these as they are right now.  I can match past events and outcomes in my head to these statements - making them even more powerful and the understanding even deeper. I KNOW this was what I was meant to hear - and I know the timing was absolutely perfect.

Her class empowered me - it gave me an energy.  It was pure self-recognition of who I am and what I've done, and what I need to do next.

EVERYTHING that I have done in preparation for my surgery - EVERY strategy and stepping up to make this work FOR THE RIGHT REASONS was validated in this session.  Everything.

I walked out of that room about a metre taller, and weighing ten kilos less!  I felt like months of fear had just been lifted off my shoulders - the "what ifs" were gone.  (What if I still look like crap after surgery and still hate myself?  Why do I feel like a failure and cop out for the surgery?  What happens next when my weightloss is over and I'm not "anything" anymore?  Who AM I in all of this when I feel like absolutely noone?!)

I had three key words at the conclusion of our course that have stuck with me since...  Three of the most powerful words I've attributed to myself, possibly EVER?!


- Validation - everything is starting to make sense, it has reason and purpose - it's "meant to be". The good and the bad - everything!  The hurts and tears were valid - they were there to teach and guide me.  When I do things for the RIGHT REASON - when I align to my true beliefs - the hurts simply don't hurt anymore.

- Consolidation - everything feels like it's finally coming together, all the work and the strategic planning, even aligning myself with my Champions - it's all coming together now.  The fact I can now see WHY I have endured what I have makes this one even more powerful - and simply understanding that trusting myself (faith in that inner awesome driver) is paramount to my happiness....  now and in the future. 

- Humbled - there's a huge sense of relief within me right now.  There's a higher power driving this train, and she's freaking AWESOME.  She's known from day one what we needed to do - and just went about and did it.  She's guided me the ENTIRE way through - endured the heartache, the tears, the tantrums, the self-abuse both physical and emotional.  And she's fought for me, AND against the negative me - time and time again - she's never left me.  She's the fighter - and I'm so incredibly humbled to FINALLY realise she's right there within me.  She IS me.


SO, with less than two weeks left before I head into surgery - I feel like the neurosis and the hatred of the past 12 months is finally starting to subside.  Finally.  All that work has been for EVERYTHING!!

This is really REAL.  No more tears.  No more fear of the unknown.  I'm so incredibly proud of myself and SO happy right now.

Less than two weeks....    !!!!!!!!

Permission to be proud

I don't really know where the last twelve months has gone - it's mid October, and I'm currently in preparation for my "next chapter" - I feel like I'm holding my breath in anticipation of what this means or what happens next, but it's meant that I've been 'reevaluating' what's happened in the past year that's lead me to this point.

My surgery is only a few weeks away - and yesterday I pushed myself to go and do my mandatory 'bloods' (so they have something to compare against later, and check that I'm healthy etc) and then filled out the hospital form and emailed it in late last night. I've had to do these since late August, just wasn't quite ready….   Booking this in officially was my next major step to making this a reality, and it's taken me a good few weeks to get it together enough to do it.

Prior to talking to the Surgeon I questioned whether I deserved the help, whether I was just opting-in for an "easy way out", and I was petrified that surgery wouldn't give me the answers or results that I need. As it turned out, it'd been nearly twelve months since I'd seen him last, and my weight hadn't changed - but so much else had, and with so many beautiful new things in my life, they were being undermined by the sheer hatred I have for the body I've been left with. Unfortunately.  The skin had contributed to so many negatives, that it was pulling me backwards… the strategy, then, became surgery to help me push forward. 


The last twelve months has proven to be my hardest year yet - and it makes my head spin at the thought of what's happened in such a short space of time. In terms of weightless: nada, zilch, nothing - I've just gone up and down, backwards and forwards in the same 10kilos bracket. Over winter, I stacked the weight on found myself quickly heading back up to the 110kgs mark - but have pulled that all back off since, and turned my physical fitness around 150%.  In terms of 'life' - well it's thrown me around like never before - but I won't say it's without merit. I've had some beautiful experiences, I've had some hurtful moments - there's been tears and tantrums… and yet I'm still here, I'm still moving.

Yet I found myself the last few weeks still unable to find solace in the positives of this - even after pulling my stubborn head in, asking for help, and turning things around - I still couldn't find my pride. Somewhere along the line, I'd stopped being proud - shunned myself for the things I'd achieved - I let people take it away from me with their comments and criticisms - I'd lost the energy to contend with it all. I was embarrassed to talk about my achievements, I stopped taking photos, I stopped writing and sharing, helping and being happy, I started hiding again. I let the negatives win, and I lost my pride….



Mid this year I had a major breakdown - it wasn't pretty and it did its damage - but it taught me a lesson too (as things always tend to!).  When I sought help from my Naturopath recently for my emotional imbalances - driven in there by my sheer fear that I was reverting to the old depression days - she had me fill our three hefty questionnaires to judge what was happening, and figure out what impact it was having on my body. The month prior to this I'd been working with my Kinesiologist, who'd basically already told me my body was buggered because of my emotions - they were working against one another, feeding off each other in a negative way. I was going in circles and there wasn't much I could do about it!  But that was the whole point in seeking their help - I can't physically SEE what's happening to my insides, and I needed their help and guidance.  I knew my emotions were shot, but something wasn't right since the breakdown, and it went further than just what was going on in my head!  My body was breaking down, I could just feel it.

My Naturo put me on some tablets for anxiety - she said she wasn't surprised I was as highly strung as I have been the past year, considering how depleted I am emotionally and physically with all the changes the past five years, and the decade prior to that…  She's worked with me in the past - helped turn around a few of my weird ailments (my superior stress levels when I quit my job; my toxicity a couple years ago from the weightloss. She's helped me before, and I went straight in to have her help again).  The Kinesiologist's "magic potion" had been working on helping my organs with the stress and get me functioning properly, internally, again - the Naturo's tablets and mix were to calm my head.  I felt the difference the next day…. !


The last few weeks have been a MASSIVE turn around. I no longer feel like I'm walking on eggshells, and I feel like I can breathe. I forced myself to seek help (I'm a stubborn Taurean, I don't ask for help unless I have to!) - but I bit the bullet, and asked… and I'm so very proud of myself for doing that.

Enter the transition phase of "finding my pride".  As I move into this next chapter - my surgery phase - I knew straight out that this was going to be one of the hardest things for me to do.  Hell, just booking the appointment was a task in itself - and it all boils down to the emotions and my headspace.  Since I booked, I simply haven't looked back.  Yes, I've stalled a couple of times, I've had a cry, I've questioned and had to take a few deep breaths… but I haven't looked back.

So much has happened - POSITIVELY - in the past month, that I'm walking with my head held high again. My training is spot on - I issued myself a "50 days of fitness" challenge to keep myself honest and on track - and 25 days in, I've been working hard at it ever since and already see the physical difference, hit new monster PBs and I haven't even hit my stride yet!

My food intake has been better - now that I'm not EATING my emotions every day (the curse of being an emotional overeater - happy, sad, scared, bored… you name it - I'll eat my emotions… Emotional imbalance = food festival, and is seriously BAD for results!!). I won't say I get a gold star on the food just yet, but there's far more control here than there's been for MONTHS, and I'm a little proud of myself for that. I'll need that control when I'm in recovery-mode and can't train the way I usually do - so it's very much on my agenda at the moment to get a handle on it all

And as for my head….  ahhhh, all good things come to those who wait - or more importantly, those who diligently work on it!  I'm in a MUCH happier, healthier place than I've been for a while - it's meant that I've poked my head out of isolation and I'm "revisiting" the things that used to make me happy - instilled a sense of pride in what I was doing.  Little things - like writing this blog (!), taking photos (god help you all, I'm back to all the "selfies" again… haha!) - finding and booking in new activities to plan my year ahead, and happily thinking 'futuristically'.


My health and fitness are BEAUTIFUL right now - that is my ultimate goal pre-surgery - to be at my fittest and healthiest….  but that was to include my mental state too - and that has a strategy aswell. I certainly haven't gone into this without a plan, and I'm PROUD of myself for doing it this way - for stepping up and asking for help and following through with it.

I have no doubt that the next few weeks ahead are going to be a little rough, and I have those butterflies in the pit of my stomach starting to jiggle around at the prospect of the last countdowns…. but I'm gearing up now for the next chapter, and what it means. 

I feel like I have a world of expectations on this surgery - subconsciously holding out for everything "beautiful" to just magically happen after this bit of skin is gone… but the realist in me says I need to stop dreaming like that.  I've put so much on hold in the past based on me still feeling "freaky" in this left-over body, and it's done nothing but burn me for the past year.  It hurts, and bulk of that lies on ME and my response to it.  I need to take some responsibility for letting that turn negative…

My body isn't foul - it's wonderful. It's amazing what it overcomes - the torture I put it through (literally, I did a lap of Mount Panorama with 16kgs on my back on Sunday - my glutes are STILL giving me hell about it, haha!)… and yet all the crap I've put into my system, all the neglect, the torment…. it's still fighting with me. 


That's my goal now - to stop putting pressure on my body and love it "just as it is" - because when I part ways with this belly skin in December, I'll be saying goodbye to something that's been with me for 33 years.  I'm nostalgic and melodramatic at the best of times (haha!) - but it's true.  I shouldn't be wishing this away, I should be celebrating what it's meant to me, what it's done for me, who it's made me…  I need to convert the negative stigma into something beautiful, NOW, before it's gone.  I need to be PROUD of my skin, and I need to have pride enough to say goodbye, and say thank you with a smile on my face. 

That's my goal in the next few weeks…. transition back into being PROUD.  Proud of who I am, of what I've overcome, of the things I've achieved, of where I'm going.  I give myself permission to be proud… and I bloody well better start believing it.  The clock's ticking… !

Embarking on the next chapter

I've been sitting on a bit of a secret this past week... and I'm still reeling from what it is I've done!

Have spent the last few weeks in an on-and-off emotional state, trying to piece myself together, trying to figure out what to do next. SO emotional over everything, and not truly understanding why.

I decided I'd had enough of the games, and the anxiety of stepping on those scales after the hideous winter that saw more tears and tantrums than I saw triumphs.  I signed up and committed myself to the next round of the 12wbt (Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation).  I've tried the program before, but I guess I was never really ready for it or it conflicted with all the "white noise" going on in my life that was dragging my focus away (the last 18 months have been ridiculous!).

SO I decided to cut my losses, stop with the excuses and just focus on working on my FITNESS and my HEALTH (my two top priorities - the scales can go be damned!) - given my body won't cooperate to lose any more weight, and the scales only see me upset when they either go back up or haven't budged... again... the same freaking cycle that I've been battling for the last year.  Ugh.   (You wanna talk plateaus - try a freaking YEAR!).

Having put my foot down and giving myself the boot up the backside that I so desperately needed (note: you have to boot your OWN butt - I never expected anyone else to do that for me - it simply doesn't work) - my mindset shifted.   Felt like the old Amy coming back out to play - the Master of Ceremonies was about to unleash the beast!

I'd booked in a follow-up consult with my Surgeon many months ago - and put it off three times thinking I either didn't deserve it because I hadn't made my goal weight / was taking the "easy way out"  (ha! what part of slicing your body to pieces is "easy"?!!) and couldn't justify it for myself (that same old brain spiral that I don't deserve to be happy, sexy, yadda yadda yadda... here endeth that bullshit - I'll spare you from the monotony of my inner monologue - I'm well and truly over it!!).

Many tears and emotional kickbacks the last few weeks as that consult date approached (the same one I was about to reschedule for the fourth time!), and I asked for some guidance from my very close friends - who have been walking beside me on this crazy path for the last couple years... they know how much I struggle, and how emotionally invested and conflicted I am with the "aftermath" of my weightloss. Sometimes you just need a side of rationality, with a dose of sincerity, to help you understand why it is you're so frustrated and upset - and having a group of friends who help prop me up when I'm about ready to fall again... it helped me work through that blockage, and I re-committed to going for my consult.

Breathe. I was now committed to 12 weeks of "healthy" and now committed to seeing my Surgeon for the follow-up consult.

On top of this, I pulled in my stubborn-Taurean head and asked for help from a special friend. He's a Doctor - specialising in Kinesiology and Chiropractics - and as embarrassed as I've been the last few months about "feeling like a total failure" I just knew something was going on in my body that I couldn't understand.  I have literally FOUGHT the entire year trying to change the cycles and patterns of my body - the up and down scales, the hideous cravings, the mental breakdowns...  I simply knew I couldn't do this on my own anymore, because I can't freaking SEE what's happening on the inside.  So I FINALLY reached out for help.

I've been working with him the last couple of weeks from an "inside perspective" - he did his magic Kinesiology voodoo (haha!) on me and has already brought to the surface a WAD of issues that my body is contending with - all crazily intertwined and interlaced, that it just makes my head spin.  Literally.  The first consult we did a couple of weeks ago, he had me in tears!  He's working on my emotions aswell - given that my emotional imbalance is directly affecting my body's state of health (and vice versa) - and a few key questions had tears rolling down my cheeks.  I left there feeling like I FINALLY had hope - I wasn't going mental - there actually WAS something going wrong in my body...  I finally felt like I was moving in the right direction again.

Between the support of my gorgeous girls and my new "Magic Doctor" - I stepped up and followed through on my Surgeon consult commitment. I walked in there last Monday and sat down - I was shaking like a leaf, felt like I was about ready to vomit.  I couldn't remember when I'd seen him last - the first consult was purely for "research" (no pressure) - as it turned out, it was about this time last year.  He'd noted down my weight at the time - and when I told him where I'm at right now - exactly where I was 12 months ago - that's when it just dawned on me that I've spent an entire year fighting the same freaking battle.... months and months and months of anguish, tears, frustration, anger and self-deprecating hatred for what my body looks like now.  12 months of feeling like a freak of nature, having worked my arse off (literally) and absolutely HATING the superficial results.  I knew I'd been struggling really badly the last 6 months, but it broke my heart a little when that timeframe just doubled.  Ouch.

(I'll note here that I DO NOT HATE who I have become or what I've achieved - I LOVE that I turned my life around - but the hurtful part is walking around in a body that doesn't visually show just how much work you've put in doing that...  it simply hurts.)


SO it was GO time - I explained that I simply didn't have the energy or mental capacity to fight this same fight anymore. I love being healthy, and I love that I can "maintain" what it is I've achieved (... clearly... despite the ups and downs, I haven't regained my weight - I'm fit and I have the capacity to eat well.  I'm fighting and working through my emotional issues - but I simply don't have the energy to hate my body anymore... I needed to break that cycle - I needed physical help).

He checked out my tummy skin - and explained what he'd do for the procedure. It's more complex than a basic "tummy tuck" - but only working on the surface skin, as all my underlying muscles are great (small mercies) and this would just take away the huge hanging 'apron' that I've been left to contend with.  It's the bit that hurts me the most - literally.  It hurts when I run, it bounces and stretches, I get sweat rashes and the skin splits, and it throws my hips and knees out - which just causes more pain.  It hangs to the floor when I do pushups, and I can't fit into pants properly.  I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror and my stomach involuntarily clenches and I have a lump in my throat because I just want to cry - I can't "love" this at all. I can't appreciate it - it hurts and upsets me, and it has to go.

He took a photo of my tummy for my file, and pulled out a hospital admissions form.  Right about here is when I nearly vomited - the rush of blood to my head as I held my breath made my head spin - and I think I even held onto the side of the table.  I blurted out something about not doing it too soon - I hadn't really thought about dates, I hadn't really thought about anything but getting my arse into that consult room!!!   When he started filling out that form, it all became intensely REAL.   (... and here come the waterworks, haha...)

I walked out to see his Secretary - who would look after bookings and all the finer details. She asked me when I'd like to do the procedure, and all I remember saying is something about "later in the year, or even maybe next year... I don't really know!  I'm not ready just yet!".   She explained if I wanted to do it next year, I'd have to wait UNTIL next year to book it.  Yep, cut right there - suddenly became incredibly concise - I couldn't WAIT any longer just to make a booking.  I booked in then and there.

December 3rd.  I go in for my first phase surgery on December 3rd  (.. and yep, here I go with the shaking again, haha...!).   This will be my "radical abdominoplasty" as it's been written on my admissions form.  I'm petrified, and yet I'm insanely excited aswell.  I literally don't know whether to laugh or cry!  I walked out of there shaking like a leaf (much like I am just talking about it now) - this is the start of my next chapter.  My very painful "cut Amy to pieces first" chapter - but I know I've been subconsciously waiting and waiting and waiting until I was "good enough" after all this weightloss to start my life properly.... and for some reason (potentially, 'stupid reason') I haven't felt like I was allowed to do that in this "leftover excuse of a body".

So yeah, that's my little secret...  Things are about to get a whole wad of interesting!  I have 12 weeks ahead to fine-tune my fitness, get as fit and healthy as I possibly can for a better recovery and better results - and then off I march myself to tackle the next insane challenge.

Going to need all the support and encouragement I can muster as it gets closer.  I am SO scared!