"Finding Amy"

So here we are, already approaching the end of January (eek!) and I realised I haven't even written a blog post in aaaages.  Not that I haven't had anything worthwhile to say - just bulk of it has been brewing in my head, and a lack of time and energy to actually sit still long enough to write it out has come into play...

After ten months of insanity (haha!), a wad of publicity I never saw coming (nor was I ever truly prepared for), a few photoshoots and a whole wad of 'followers' later... some on and off financial issues, lots of give (.. and more give... and more give)... some massive life-lessons and big wake-up calls that not everyone is on the same wavelength as I am (boy, does that hurt!) and some heartbreak and serious exhaustion later...   Ahhh, this is where I admit to being a little defeatest and maybe even apologise for letting the team down...  

I lost Amy.... somewhere amongst the flash bulbs going off, the hundreds of messages I've received and replied to, the strain and pressure of the unfamiliar.  The faithful Amy of old (before publicity) went a little AWOL.  Got swept up in a world that was completely alien to the dreary pre-existence of the current - with attention that made me feel like I was WANTED - so alluring, yet so demanding... Being too inclined to help everyone else - and forget about the person in the background (who actually needed as much help as anyone) - I think I gave so much of my time and energy away to everyone else, I ended up voiding myself entirely. 

For the last ten months - amongst all the shenanigans - my body and head have not been in alignment.  As a result, I've literally gone nowhere on the weightloss, and despite the spotlight shining in my face (and me grimmacing cuz I can't see a thing behind it!) - sitting here reflecting on this a few weeks ago, amidst the heartache of realising I was on the verge of losing it all - I was pretty gutted.

I let myself down.  I let you all down.

"Before" I went public, I'd been persisting with my weightloss in secret. Totally private - hidden away and just dealing with it, slowly, bit by bit, on my own.  Aside from the forum members online, noone in "the real world" actually knew what it was I was doing... albeit, my clothes were getting baggier, I was obviously morphing into something alot smaller...  They just didn't (technically) know about it!  I wasn't carrying on, broadcasting my losses or blowing smoke up my own arse for the benefit of "attention seeking" (I'm not like that... despite what people may perceive and what I've been insulted with lately, I'm STILL not like that...) - I just kept it quiet, did what I had to do, and was just a shadow in the background...

I sat here in tears the other day - exhausted and feeling very isolated - actually remorseful for ever saying 'yes' to going public with my story.  It's not exactly easy sitting here with people begging you for answers, needing to know your "secrets" (of which there really isn't any!) and having others feel compelled to 'compete' with you for similar attention. Honestly, if you want the attention, you can have it!!  It's done me very little favour the last ten months - despite the big smiley photos - the "behind the scenes" side of it HURTS.  End of the day, I'm still "just Amy" - and that "just Amy" doesn't think very highly of herself!  I'm still a work in progress, I'm still trying to figure out who I am amongst everything else, find a place in this world that I didn't believe I deserved. I'm still lonely, still hiding away from people, still really "nothing" in the scheme of things... 

I'm struggling.   ... and if I'm completely honest, I'm still lost.


SO - putting my foot down recently, after crying my eyes out (...always the way!) I put some big decisions out there - some hard choices had to be made. I opted to stand back and not give myself away entirely (after all, I can't be of ANY benefit to anyone if there's nothing left of me to give), and after having a few of my local mentors / friends express their concern about my welfare, and having come so close to losing my footing (again) - it was time to make a few hard calls.   I've suffered the consequences - I've upset people, and in turn, I've been upset...


.... but times are changing!  Through hurt, there comes growth.  In growth, there comes renewed self-respect.  That self-respect is driving me forward into new areas, and I'm responding in ways I didn't have the energy to respond to the past ten months.

Operation: FIND AMY is well and truly under way!


I have big goals for this year ahead - things I haven't had the courage to "put out there" the way other goals have been made public before.  Some of them I'm keeping to myself - I owe myself a little privacy (haha!) and others I'm happy to scream from the rooftops!   When the time comes to talk about them, I will...

For now, though - for those that are worried or concerned... please don't be!  I'm actually really OK!  For the first time in months, I'm relieved, I'm getting my energy back, I'm rebuilding my business and the income is following slowly, and I'm actually HAPPY!  I feel like I can breathe again...  It's really difficult for me to upset people - as contrived as that sounds (I HATE conflict, and can't handle causing issues - and have been harbouring a huge amount of anxiety with people's invalid opinions of me) - but taking a step back to reevaluate what I was doing (or losing, in this instance) was enough for me to find the fear of failure, and that was a NON-option!  You know I'm far too stubborn (read: Taurean! haha) to let myself fall back into that trap - I've worked too hard, and too consistently to lose it all.  Old habits are really hard to break though, and "giving it all away to please everyone else" was REALLY easy to do - but it didn't win me friends or favours - it just left me depleted, anxious, upset, broke and left a whole wad of hurt on my plate!


SO, what does this mean for Amy now... What is it that I'm actually up to?!   (mwahahaha... I have plans, don't you worry about that!!)


Starting on Monday is the new 1 Million Kilo Challenge - ten weeks of a national initiative to get Aussies moving in the right direction with their weight and health goals.  My 300+ team members have humbled me no end!  I put myself out there (again!) to get people involved, and you guys haven't let me down!!  With so much support and enthusiasm, it wasn't hard to get swept up in that with everyone...  That's ONE of my strategies to help me reignite the Amy-mojo.

In conjunction with this, I'm in for the first round of 12wbt this year.  I'm structuring my next 12 weeks alongside so many others who have achieved so many amazing results - and I've already asked them to unleash their butt-kickings to help me.  Yep, I've asked for HELP.  *I* need help...

With that comes my brigade of beautiful local ladies, who have offered their help, guidance, support and love - in the flesh!  They see past the glamour photos, see Amy for just Amy, and understand why I'm hurting - can read past the "yeah I'm ok" and know when I need some home truths that others may be too scared to give me.  They're helping to rebuild me from within...  I've never been one to ask for help, or accept it without guilt, but I need help and I need to know I'm loved, and these girls are filling that void for me right now, and I'm so very grateful. 


There's a few other goals and strategies on the agenda too - I'm taking it all back to basics.  Trying to backtrack a little, and find where I lost myself in the process.  Reignite the fire to get my weightloss moving again - as much as I've "loved" being a 100kilo chick, it's not where I want to stay, indefinitely!!  It's time to set my goals again - and I really really really want to knock another ten kilos on the head, for good!

After that, it's time to look at the skin issue. This one's been brewing in the background for months now - and I haven't had the courage to really deal with it.  The excess skin upsets me like nothing else - it's hindering my progress and my self-esteem.  I can't stand what I see in the mirror and I'm suffering the consequences. It's NOT how it should be - not the skin, more in the head!!  I SHOULD be proud of myself, overwhelmingly happy with what I've achieved and what I've done to get to this point.  ... but that skin, just undermines EVERYTHING in my own head.  I can't quite explain it, and those who don't have the same issue can't understand it... but I'm hurting.  When / if I'm brave enough to deal with this one, it WILL form an integral part of my next chapter... but it's on the agenda for later this year. At the moment I still have to prove I'm capable of getting to my goal and EARNING the skin removal.

On top of that, I'm dealing with alot of personal stigma - relationships being on the top of the list.  Nothing has highlighted this one MORE than the introduction of this year's Biggest Loser series - all about singles and how their weight effects their relationships. Ouch.  This one's cutting me to the core... and it's something I really haven't spoken about in such 'candid' conversation as they're doing on the TV.  It's brought up alot of emotions and hurts that I've been suppressing (maybe not so successfully!) over the course of my transition - and very much influencing my decision to get myself "back together" and really knuckle down to finish what I started.   Just as so many of those contestants have said - so publicly - I want to be loved too...   I would give my right leg to be loved. 

... wouldn't be very helpful to give my right leg away... would make it hard to do my fun runs then... hahaha...  but you get my point.   And despite the contentious "you must love yourself first" stuff that's cropping up with it all - well, that just upsets me too...  It's just not that easy.   This one may form an entire new blog sometime soon... haha!


SO, in light of "losing" the last ten months filtering messages from hundreds of people, helping everyone else with their goals and giving so much of myself away in the process...  I lost Amy.   And now it's time to find her again.

Operation: FIND AMY is underway.  In the next 12 weeks I NEED to see change.  I need to see results.  I need to prove to myself that I haven't just wasted ten months of my life (given I've wasted ten YEARS of it prior to all this, I'm not ok with doing it again..) - I have a wad of goals that I will NOT forfeit this year, including weight loss, personal relationships, health and fitness goals and mending the broken heart.

Probably should prewarn you now that in amongst all that, there's bound to be alot of tears and tantrums - it's always the way, and I'm ok with this!  Every breakdown is a breakthrough, and I know in myself that I'm now ready to tackle the next batch.


The fire in my belly got a little spark the other day, when I had the opportunity to meet Commando Steve and one of his black-team boys, Graham, out here in Carcoar.  Seeing how well Graham is doing, how strong he is in the short time he's been with Steve, and having him turn around and tell me he knows of what I've done and had seen my profile...  it was humbling, to say the least!  When I told him to "just keep going!" - having him turn around and say "you too!" ... may have just been that little ignition fuel that I needed to stop the pity-party that's been raging in my head for months, and actually get off my arse and do something about it.  I just "get it" and maybe because he does too, it was enough for ME to feed a little mojo off him...   Either way, it helped!


I don't deserve respect unless I'm working for it - and right now, I'm not.  It's time to change that...  When I stop living off the recognition of something I've now "maintained" for ten months (I'm writing it off as "maintenance") - and actually start walking my talk, THAT is when I'll know I'm earning your respect and admiration again.

Right now, I don't deserve it...   I WILL find Amy again, and I WILL finish what I started... 

I do NOT want to come back in three months time and apologise for letting you down.  Again.

I do NOT want to question why I bothered to do what I have, or why I am the way I am again.

I WILL NOT give up.  Under any circumstances.  I will NOT give up on Amy.


Operation: FIND AMY...  I just want her back.

Farewell 2011, you awesome thing you!

Sitting here reading all the "happy to see the end of 2011" messages on my Facebook friends statuses, I have to admit, I have a few mixed feelings about this.  It's 7.30pm on December 31st, and up until now, I was ok to see the back end of it too...  but then I started thinking...

Seeing the year draw to a close, I'm left pondering just what it is I've achieved this year - whether I've actually "produced the goods" and what I've done to make my year worthwhile. Think I can safely say that 2011 has been a year unlike any other for me. Literally. Going 'public' with my story in January, then going 'national' in February with my Commando Challenge... things have NOT been the same since!

I've been on a rollercoaster ride like no other - up and down, fast and slow, faster faster faster, think you're going to vomit, then it momentarily stops... then off it goes again!   I think I've felt every damned emotion I could feel this year, have had more meltdowns and breathroughs in 12 months than I have in 12 years!  I've laughed and cried more times than I can count... and I wonder if I actually get to say I've "lived" a little this year?!  I'm not sure on that one, so it's time to put a little "recollection" onto the page...

My year in review, goes a little something like this...

• Started my 'Aim to Change' blog in early January - according to my '2010 reflections' I'd had a really trying year - overcoming some of my personal obstacles (like exercising in public) then  having seen my dad struggle with his health so much, it prompted me to start going 'public' with my story... and in doing that, spiraled a whole new succession of opportunity and events that I would NOT have seen coming for 2011.
• Started the year at over 115kgs. An appointment with a cosmetic surgeon for an early review on my prospects ahead, and I was encouraged to drop to 90kgs before I even considered my surgeries. I promptly signed up for private health cover, and walked straight into the gym thereafter - one of my biggest, boldest moves to date!  Before this, I was not ready, nor brave enough to venture down the path of "the gym" - but this was the driving force I needed to embark on one of my biggest and most loved activities of 2011.
• February saw a little kudos fly my way via the Commando's congratulatory video on BLC - this was a really big thing for me. Up until then, I'd said 'no' to publicly acknowleding my weightloss (had lost 77kgs at this point) because I still felt like I was teetering on failure.  When I was approached for this, I couldn't help but say YES - lord knows how much I love Steve, and this was just a little bit of fun for me!  Little did I know what it would mean just a short time later... 
• March saw me undertake the Commando Challenge - BLC offered me an opportunity to take my losses one step further; challenging me to drop to 95kgs, in order to go "dine with The Commando". My story went national, I was given weekly challenges, daily exercise routines and got totally swept up within the challenge itself.  One of my first challenges was to "dream towards 2012" - well, I'll revist this one later... I'm getting a bit teary just overviewing it at the moment!!  Onwards... !! 
• April - I was whisked off to Sydney (something I've never really done before) and given the opportunity to actually TRAIN with Commando Steve!!  It was well and truly one of the biggest eye-openers to date and was just simply AMAZING!  An experience I couldn't have imagined I'd ever be brave enough to do before, and there I was, in the big city, training with Mister Muscles!  By the end of the month, and as the Challenge drew to a close, I was losing my momentum - my body was fatigued, my mental state was in crisis - I'd been swept up so much in all these new activities, the crazy new exercise routines and food, dealing with all the people and forums... I was slowly (but surely) losing my footing.  I barely scraped it through the Challenge, but made my goal! (phew)
• By the start of May, the challenge was finished and I was off on another whirlwind trip to Sydney for the photoshoot for BLC - another eye opener, and VERY much out of my comfort zone!  Before I even had time to really digest what it is I'd just done... I was on my first ever plane ride down to Melbourne with the group of ladies who had done their 12wbt challenge (that I'd paralleled doing my BLC challenge) - off for the festivities and excitement, and a whole wad of new experiences and social outings I've never had in my life before... 
• By the end of May - I was in Sydney for the celebratory Commando Challenge dinner, and was also scheduled in for my first stint with TV - an interview with Today Tonight... and boy was that an eye opener too!  Having my story go even MORE public, the momentum I was trying to keep up with right about now was beginning to take a HUGE toll.... but I was still riding the wave, and holding onto the surfboard for dear life!!
• By June I was in a bit of a state... I was mentally and physically fatigued, my business was on the back-burner and my income shot, I had people contacting me from all across the country, and I felt obligated to answer EVERYTHING.  I was exhausted and emotionally spent, and my body gave out beneath me...  The weight I'd lost during the Challenge was already starting to come back on (because I hadn't lost it properly to start with!) and my mental state was completely shot. 
• July was much of the same - and a noticeable absence of my blog posts and activities is testament that things weren't "ok" in Camp Amy for the middle of the year. I was spent...  Trying desperately to keep my control, and failing dismally... 
• By the time August rolled around, I was ready to kick my own butt back into gear - and come mid-month, I was back off to Sydney for an adventure with my gorgeous girls, and overcoming some more of the hideous fears and hurts that were plaguing me. I climbed the Harbour Bridge - one of my most momentous events of the year!  ... and followed that the next day with my first ever fun-run, the City to Surf... instantaneously igniting some serious fun-run-bug in my belly that I've NOT been able to shake since!!  These weren't "public goals" - these were for ME. This was Amy doing things for Amy, and the intense feeling of liberation and actually feeling 'alive' was nothing short of insatiable!  I wanted more...
• September was my "running month" - with another TWO fun runs on the agenda! So inspired by the runners of the City to Surf, I started to teach myself how to jog...  I did my local Bathurst jog, and then flicked back off to Sydney (Again?! How's that for the girl who'd never really traveled to the city before 2011!) for the Sydney Bridge run - both of which I LOVED.  All the while I was pushing my limits in these new fitness activities, in the backburner, my head was swimming. Fighting the emotions and demons, and trying desperately to hold it together...  The big blog post I wrote here, I can't bring myself to read again. I know how much I've struggled in the last few months, and how much I've fought to push through...  The emotional rollercoaster, the tears and hurts, the fatigue of it all - THAT is what happens when you purposefully change your life - and whether I liked it or not, it had to be experienced...
• October, the "dark started to lift" a little - I embarked on Round 3 of the 12wbt - not as a weightloss thing, but focusing solely on my fitness. What I GAINED out of that round was an amazing network of local ladies - a social factor "in real life" (as opposed to all the amazing internet friends and network I have) - and started pushing me in different ways.  I had to "front up" to meet them - actually "walk the talk" and work with people, not just hide behind the computer...  HUGE opportunity for transition.  The shy girl had to come out of hiding... 
• Come November, and I was very much struggling with who I was, where I was going, and why I was doing it... Minimal exposure on my forums and blogs, just thinking thinking thinking thinking... I was pretty much 'lost' at this point, and the blog post that went along with it didn't necessarily go into the finer details... but I was a mess, and I needed out, and I was pretty much prepared to walk away. A holiday down to Melbourne/Geelong was on the cards, and this proved to be one of my most strategically placed activities of the year. I went and participated in the first Melbourne City to Sea (sister-event to City to Surf) and LOVED it. The couple of months lead up to this, I'd been training like a demon - my weight didn't budge, but my fitness was through the roof!  I was IN LOVE with my gym sessions - Pump and RPM as the mains - and was now training regularly around Mount Panorama, even lapping with 12kgs on my back the week before my race! I was primed, focused, and freaking DETERMINED - I was fighting, for everything...  Trying to prove to myself that I was capable and deserved what I'd achieved - struggling to not let the negatives take over and bring me down.  By the time I finished my 14kms, I was a wreck.  Physically and emotionally spent... I collapsed shortly thereafter.  Left to my own devices without a goal in sight, I ate myself into a food coma, and took a much needed breather from EVERYTHING. Found out about the Geelong fun-run the weekend after, and lined myself up for that - "when in Rome!"...   This one was just for me - and I LOVED every minute of it.  I ran with the crowd, and enjoyed the experience.  I didn't have a goal, I was just ENJOYING it!  I came home happy to 'walk away' if required by then, but the Universe had other plans for me...
• Hello December!!  Boy oh boy you've been a rollercoaster ride all on your own!!!  Coming back from Melbourne, I was contacted as one of the Woman's Day weightloss competition finalists, and a little hiccup later about my sizing (given I'm still not "little") and my poor little head was in meltdown mode AGAIN!  Struggling very much for the past half of the year with my self-perception and body issues, being very 'touchy' on these subjects, it doesn't take much for me to lose my footing when it's brought up!   Being approached by BLC to become one of their campaign girls for next year too - and my head was SWIMMING.  I wasn't overly confident in my ability or acceptability to do any of this stuff - but a chance encounter trip with a couple of my local Bathurst ladies to see a taping of the BLC contestants for 2012, and it was the little boost and insight that sparked the next phase!  Seeing so much of their haunts and pain as they spoke to the audience, I saw so much of myself in them, it drove me...  EVERYTHING I do - my forums, my website, my story, the people I help and mentor - it's to help them empower their way OUT of that pain. It's the pain that breaks me - it's what drives me to instigate even more change - and it's the REASON why I do what I do now...    I went off to Sydney (again!!) and stood in front of a camera, not for self-publicity or to pat myself on the back (I don't need to do that) but because I'm passionate about reaching out to those struggling at home.  I stood in front of another camera the day after, and faced more of my fears head-on.. again, to reach the people at home who need me.  I sat down after both of these and cried - I'm still a work in progress, I'm still fragile, and I'm still bewildered by why people put me up on such a pedestal when I'm "just Amy"...  but I push myself to do this, there's a gut-feeling I have that I NEED to be doing this...
• Heading off for the 12wbt mass training session and Finale Party just a couple of weekends ago - and I can't believe that we've capped the year off with a bang!  As one of my most fun events of the year (I got to be ME!!!) - I celebrated with a bunch of my gorgeous local ladies, stepped out in one of my smallest, most daring outfits of my LIFE - and was, again, well and truly out of my comfort zone, yet not at all phased by it...  In just the space of 8 months, my whole attitude to things has changed entirely!
  

* * * * *

Going back to that Commando Challenge from March - "Dreaming towards 2012" - recapping on my goals and aspirations I'd "put out there" from earlier this year... Let's have a little squizzy at what I wanted to do and where I'm up to...

• Getting to 90kgs - given all my meltdowns and body issues the latter half of this year, I'm still working on this one!  Though I started the year roughly 115kgs, and now about 98kgs (having been down to 95 as my lowest, and the spikes, and plateaus I've been riding since) - I'm ok with this!!  My fitness is phenomenal, and I have MUSCLE definition that sits on the scales too, so very much ok with this!  I'm down to a size 14 top, size 16 bottom (was a 16/18 top, 18/20 bottom early in the year) - and I RUN in this body!!!  Am SO not apologising for my size!!
• Travel - this one's still on my agenda, though with all the tripping around I've done this year - including my first ever plane flight to Melbourne in May (I've now done TWO!) - and all the tripping backwards and forwards to Sydney - my confidence levels in doing these things is so much higher!  More trips on the agenda for 2012, and maybe even something overseas in 2013 when I sit down long enough to work and fund it, haha!
• Leave Bathurst?!  - Don't know about this one!  There's "opportunity" on my horizon here, and I think I may have to stick it out just that little bit longer and take advantage of the amazing network of professionals at my disposal who WANT to work with me!  I can always move and extend 'later'... !! 
• Romance - Ohhhh did I really have to put that on my list?!!  hahaha...  Well, let's just say this year has seen a few new developments on this one too - a few dates, a few heartaches...  Nothing solid, and I still have no idea how to deal with boys - but they're not quite as "alien" as they used to be...   (no starting rumours thank you very much!!!)   Now, if they'd just stop making me want to run and hide, I'd be right.... !!!
• Harbour Bridge - check!!  Snorkeling on the Barrier Reef and a 'hot lap' on my beloved Mt Pan - both on my 'to do' list!   Though, the way I run on Mt Pan now, I hazard a guess my lap is pretty damned hot already, haha!! 
• Wearing a real dress - CHECK CHECK CHECK!!  I've bought and worn a few of them this year - I'm VERY excited to mark this one off my list!  I even bought another new one recently - such an amazing feeling for the girl who couldn't buy clothes at all... !   As for the 'swimmers in public without the shorts' ... well... that'll stay on the list until my surgery goes ahead - so that may very well be revisited again! 
• 2012...  hit my ultimate goal weight.   YES I WILL!   You better stay posted about that one, you'll hear me screaming from the rooftop the day that happens!!! 

* * * * *

If someone had of told me at the beginning of the year that THIS is what my year would have amounted to, I'd have laughed at them!  Literally!!   Running with 84,000 other crazy people in Sydney; stepping up for three professional photo shoots; climbing the Harbour Bridge when I'm scared of heights; wearing an insane short, sleeveless size 'M' zebra print dress; actually going on a date; shopping and buying size 16 clothes; living and LOVING the gym....  oh my god...

I ALREADY have goals for next year (forward planning was never my forte - I didn't want things I had no intention of achieving on my conscience) - my first fun-run is booked and paid for!  I've got dates for future fun-runs already penciled in. I already have two holidays on the agenda to take with friends.  I have two magazine appearances hitting in January.  My website is in further development so I can extend my reach and help even more people.  I have a network of local professionals I want to start working with to make what I do REAL.  I have courses I'm looking at doing.  I am a work in progress and I'll be pushing to make even more changes in the next 12 months... but my body IS amazing, my fitness IS amazing, my health IS amazing, and I'll be working on my head to make sure I can start seeing that!! 

I don't need to sit here and say "farewell" to 2011 nor say how happy I am to see the back of it.  I've had one of THE biggest, most trying, daunting, painful, emotionally explicit years of my life.  I've transitioned in ways I NEVER thought possible, fast-tracked so much stuff in such a short space of time...  my head is swimming!!   I have NEVER had a year so full of LIFE as I have had this year!

THANK YOU 2011 for being the most amazing year of my life...  I am so very grateful for all the opportunities and people you've brought into my world. Can't quite bring myself to say 'farewell' to you, because you've just opened up the door to another 12 months of AMAZING - and I can't freaking wait to let you in!!!   2012 is going to be BIG!!!


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


xxx

Fun runs, photo shoots, wild weekends and 'finales'... part three

PART THREE!!   (... oh yes, we're not done yet.. but we're on the homeward stretch!)


After a much needed sleep, I woke up in my North Sydney motel room feeling MUCH more in the zone. I was prepped for the photoshoot ahead - it was to be a professional shoot, not a "look at me, look at me" type glamour shoot, so I was already in "business mode".

A text message shortly after, asking if I could come in earlier, and I was up out of bed, with my breakfast on its way down, showered and out the door in time to head to the studio early.

I walked into the studio with butterflies in my tummy - but nowhere near as nervous or anxious as I'd been the day before. This shoot was for the Biggest Loser Club - and as soon as I walked through the door, I recognised the faces of the team that I'd dealt with earlier in the year, and immediately I was at ease.

Photo studio

There were other gorgeous "success stories" being photographed and styled as I entered - and I had the opportunity to meet a few of the BLC members who had found some fabulous success on their programs, with some amazing weightloss numbers! The ladies looked fabulous and were beaming - and I was just so happy for them, to have the opportunity like I'd had earlier too.

I was greeted with a "It's AMY!" by one of the forum members who, unashamedly, told me she's been stalking me for ages (hahaha), hellos from the stylist and makeup lady that had "glammed me up" earlier in the year, and I was popped up in the makeup chair to start the transformation.

Glammed up with my
long hair extensions!

The face was easy... the hair came next! This one was a "glamour" shoot, so it was all about the hair, makeup and dress.  I was given gorgeous black hair extensions that were just SO long, I nearly wanted to run out the door and keep them!! I was in heaven with that hair - and was so sad when they were cut short... (sigh!) - but they weren't cut without a photo first!   I now have grand illusions of having my hair properly extended, and walking around like a total diva... I was just SO in love with it that super long length!!!  hahaha!

Off to the stylist I went next, and was put into a little pink dress... LITTLE being the word!  After so much 'drama' about my sizing, I've come to realise that I'm simply NOT the size I think I am - I was wearing a size 12 dress at one point when I was trying styles on for the Woman's Day shoot, and here I was in a tiny little pink number!!  (this one I found later when I was shopping in Myer, a Leona Edmiston number, and it was about a size 14 I believe...!!)

Cute little pink dress
... my 'casual' outfit

Out I stroll in my cute 'casual' look - little pink dress and red canvas wedges - and was poised in front of that camera in no time!  The photographer was giving me pointers and we were talking about angles, and beaming that smile of mine.  The photography team were taking the usual snaps - stand there, smile, show how excited you are about how fabulous you look!  SMILE SMILE SMILE!!   (... hey, it's what I do best these days!!)... and we're done!

Off to the stylist for the round two glamour shots - and she's decided to go with the dress I bought with me - my little red/black number, and my red patent heels!  I didn't actually know I had to bring anything with me, it was sheer fluke I'd brought my dresses (multiple!) - they were in the bag ready for the end of the week Finale party - given I hadn't made up my mind which one I was actually going to wear!

So my FAVOURITE red/black dress came back out for its second showing!  It first appeared at the Michelle Bridges 12wbt Finale Party in May - and back out again for this shoot - I was pretty chuffed to get to strut my stuff in this one again!

... and then they sprung it on me. My shoot for this shot was to be 'morphed' with my old photo... I stood there and gave them a silly look and asked what they meant - when I asked what old photo they had, then saw it on screen, ohhhhh my god, my heart sank and I had heart palpitations. Starring at me from the computer screen was THE old before photo - THE photo of where it all began...  The one where I was as round as I was tall, and looking decidedly revolted in EVERYTHING.

My fav red dress and shoes -
I styled myself, haha!

I was to stand there in a similar pose - and as I walked back to my spot, I just shook my head...  How do you stand like THAT version of yourself when you know you're so far removed from it?!!  They took my shots and asked me what I'd lost - when I told them, they just shook their heads and threw much praise my way...

I couldn't SEE what was happening on the screen next to the photographer, but the team were gushing over the transformation - the 'morphing' of the photos from old to new - and I was told it was AMAZING!  I don't know that I was ready to see it morph like that anyway, and I hazard a guess it's why I didn't run up and have a look at the end. After the breakdown the day before, I was a little too fragile, and just let it be...  I'll see it when I'm ready!

Thinking "that was a wrap" - I strut out of the set and head back to the team, only to be asked to go next door, with my stylist in tow. I was to be filmed this time...  SAY WHAT?!!

Standing in front of the TV camera (for the second time in a matter of two weeks, haha) my knees started buckling underneath me! My hands started sweating, my head started whizzing around... The producer was talking to me, giving me directions about the questions he was going to give me - and prompting me to answer for the testimonials we were filming.

I went blank.

I laughed and told him that he wasn't allowed to film me talking gibberish, that I'm much more fluent talking with my fingers (haha, you wouldn't have guessed that at all would you?!!) - and I kept having to ask him to repeat the question, because my brain would NOT compute!

When he asked me one of the biggie questions - which went along the lines of the biggest changes/benefit I've had from my transformation - I choked up entirely. Given my issues the night before, my over-zealous brain-busting about my mortality... I got a little emotional.  I wasn't in a room on my own - I had a producer, TV cameraman, a sound guy and a computer fella all staring at me... and here I was explaining that I never intended on being here, that everything that's happening now is just the 'cherry on top' - was never part of the plan, and why my life "as its changed" hasn't really changed (in that context)... my life has really only just started...

I honestly can't remember what I said now, it's like my brain just shut down to 'protect itself' - and I walked out of there a bit "vague"!!  All I remember was praising the forums as being one of my biggest benefits of the Club, and having likeminded people help me along my way - and the diary helping to teach me the habits that have helped reshape my lifestyle, which is why I'm still doing what I do today. Anything else... err... hopefully it wasn't just gibberish!!!


Afterwards, the ladies and I were all seated in the lounge area "talking shop" - again, it's what you do when you've been on this MASSIVE weightloss mission and you're with other likeminded women! We were talking about the shoot and feeling very conspicuous in our new bodies - the dresses and how it's changed things not only for ourselves, but our extended families and networks. It was FABULOUS and put me very much at ease again, both in who I was "in that moment" and why I was there. I LOVED it...

I walked out of there a happy girl - and hopefully the photos and filming come across NOT like a scared broken little girl, but the empowered Amy, ready to tackle the next phase of her mission...  because that's EXACTLY how I felt when I walked away!

* * * * *

After the photoshoot, I hit a cab and then a train on my return trip to Penrith. It was my sister's birthday the following day, so was staying at her place to help her celebrate.

Thursday rolled around, and I crawled out of bed - a somewhat lazy "catch up" day it became, but decided in my infinite wisdom that I had to go shopping at Westfield up the road.  "Had to".. haha!  I actually had a dress I needed to return to one of the shops, and by the time I plucked up the courage to venture out into the city, find a car space and turn off the engine, realised I'd left the blasted thing behind on the bedroom floor!

Oh well.. need not waste the opportunity, right?!!  SO off I went on a shopping spree - walking around like I owned the place!  I bought myself a new size 16 linen skirt (that's right folks - linen - NON stretch!!!) - a fitted black singlet top (yep, SINGLET - no sleeves!!!), some new jewellery, and fake eyelashes...  (haha, I'm a bit addicted to those - two photoshoots with falsies, and I LOVE how they make my eyes look!).

Stalking Santa...

I was stalking Santa around Target, and chuckling at myself for being so juvenille...  Finding all sorts of bargains on sale - like the new workout gear I got for $10 a piece, and a pair of gorgeous teal green canvas wedges that were reduced!  Feeling a bit chuffed with my purchases, and rather fatigued... by the time I left the shopping centre, my sis had finished work and was ready to get picked up at the train station. We had grand plans of hitting the gym - but between her over-eating the birthday cake they'd force-fed her at work, and me being overly tired... we opted for sitting on our butts and chillaxing!!

... but not before I dragged her home and back to the shop to take back that dress!!!

On the return trip, I walked in and was greeted by a green dress that I just HAD to try on at City Chic (now that I've discovered how great I look in green!)... there was two others nearby that went into the changeroom with me. Only for the fact that they were all too big (they were all a City Chic XS sizing mind you! I used to barely fit their biggest gear and now the smallest sizes are TOO BIG?!), my bank balance sighed in relief when it went back up with the dress return, as opposed to down!

Not feeling overly satisfied with my shopping experience, my sister suggested I have a look in Crossroads downstairs... There was a Crossroads downstairs?! How did I miss THAT on my first trip?!  Down the escalators we went, and straight in the door...  Off to the changerooms I went with a dress and skirt in my hands, and yep, both fit, both went back out the door with me!!  (they were both on sale too, SWEET!)

.. now I had another dress on my 'hit list' for the Finale party - I had FIVE now to choose from!!  Talk about giving the indecisive girl too many options... !!!

Coming home, it was decided I'd stick with just the three options (life's tough!) - and I re-packed my bag accordingly for the trip to the city the following day...

* * * * *

Next morning I head off with the Bathurst Girls - who diverted through Penrith to pick me up. Gearing up for a big couple of days ahead, we hit the city, parked the car, checked into the YHA at The Rocks and caught the rest of our wild crew!

I designed this!!  :D

There's about a dozen of us local Central West girls from the 12wbt this round - and it has been one of THE BEST things I have found with the program - the formation of our local team "Grid Girls" - duly named for our crazy Mount Panorama training grounds!!

The support and camaraderie from this crazy bunch of women is just fabulous! Never really been part of a group like this - have ALWAYS been the odd one out...  To be one of the girls, and to have them "look after me" the way they do, I feel very blessed to have found them.

... particularly given the last six months of mental games. Having a social outlet like this, and being able to extend to new people for friendship "in real life" has been a godsend!  I've trained with these girls, I've been praised by these girls...  and I have nothing but respect and love for them! They're just FABULOUS!!

We went off together for the 12wbt Workout and Finale as a team - and were geared up to celebrate our 12 weeks together.  These ladies are AWESOME - they've achieved some phenomenal numbers in the last few months, and their drive and enthusiasm is quite contagious!!   When I'd voice my frustrations, they'd help push me back into gear... and when I'd hit Mount Pan with them, they'd tell me I was a freak (hahahaha!!) - you gotta love that!

Grid Girls at lunch!

SO we converge on Sydney together - and head off down to Circular Quay on a quest to find some lunch!  It's a great big "meet and greet" - for those of us who hadn't had a chance to formally meet each other beforehand (given we all communicate in a Facebook group ordinarily - we have members all across the Central West) - it was lovely to finally get bulk of us together, at once.

We head back out and decide to hit the shops... uh oh... more shopping?!!

Hitting Myer in the big smoke!

Myer this time... the great big huge shopping centre!  I was lost in five minutes... haha!  Walking around eying off all the fashion, I spot a 'clearance' rack and head straight towards it. First thing I pull out is a gorgeous red leather jacket, half price - only $4,500!!!!   Yeah... time to walk away... !

Spotted the Leona Edmiston section, and found my pink dress that the BLC stylist had put me in the day before!  Half price, only $160!!!   EEK!  Time to go...  Budget only extends to Target and Crossroads at the moment...

A text message after to find out where the others were - and yep, I'm officially lost!  In and out the same two doors a couple of times (with a stint of circular walking in the middle) and I have to laugh at myself a little...  Considering I was the girl who NEVER liked shopping, HATED being seen in a department store (or supermarket for that matter) - I was the girl who'd be up to her eyeballs in anxiety in such a crowded, public spot as I was...  and yet here I was, walking around, lost, quite calm and composed?!!  Again, who is this girl?!!

I smiled... sent an SOS to my girls, and found them shortly thereafter.  ... but I smiled. I was actually ok.  This is stuff I'm starting to really enjoy now - never thought that was ever possible, but I can actually handle being a part of the crowd now.  It just amazes me that it's come around like this...


Off to dinner that night, with sore, sorry, shopped-out feet from all the walking - an expensive piece of barramundi, a lychee cocktail and some fabulous company later, and we head back to the YHA to relax.

... but I wasn't done.  My girls (Allison and Emma) prompted a late-night walk over the Harbour Bridge - and I jumped at the chance!  I threw on my joggers and singlet, and out the door we went for a walk.... only I couldn't contain it this time, there'd be no walking. I apologised in advance to the girls, and said that I just HAD to run - I just HAD TO.

.. and run I did!  Music going off in my ears, my joggers and I took off - it was GORGEOUS up there!  I hit the end of the bridge, took the stairs down, walked around the end and waved to the Harbour Bridge from the other side!  THIS was the area I was staying just a couple nights before - the motel just up the road.  This was my second chance to run this bridge... and run it I did!

Return lap, I passed the girls and said I may or may not hit a third...  Got to the end, but I wasn't done - and back off I went for another one!  By the time I finished and head back to the YHA, I'd done over 12kms (four laps), I was sweaty and hot - but totally EMPOWERED.  I'd run my bridge!!

... and I slept like a log...

* * * * *

GO the GRID GIRLS!!

Up bright and early on Friday morning, the Grid Girls and I ate our kick-starter breakfasts and head off for our 12wbt giant group workout!  We were PUMPED!!!  We were decked out in our new singlets - looking like a powerhouse team - and ready to show them all what us country chicks were made of!

GO TEAM!!!

Registration and meet and greets - I caught up with a few of my gorgeous onliners and just enjoyed the ambiance of the grounds.

At one point I was ushered away to go and talk on camera (say what?!!  ANOTHER TV camera in my face, haha!) - and I gushed on about how I'd focused on my fitness this round, that I was smashing it, and I had the most awesome team mates out of the experience!  .. or, at least I HOPE that's how it came out.. hahaha!

Knee-repeaters...
gonna make you sweat!

The training session was FABULOUS!  Michelle Bridges came out on stage, and pumped up the massive crowd (about 1200 of us insane people training together) - and we were off!

Stretches, hip thrusts, arm punches, hand clapping, pushups, tricep dips, knee repeaters, running... OHHH my gosh - it gave us a run for our money!!!  It was structured the same as a gym-style body attack class, in the humidity of the day (thankfully we didn't get rained on, but god it was a stinker!) - and we LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!

Lots of patting each other on the back afterwards and thinking we were a bit awesome, the Grid Girls all left the fields a little sunburnt, pretty sweaty, but a whole wad of awesome!!!

* * * * *

Got in trouble for taking
this one... haha!

But the fun didn't end there! A quick costume change for me, and the girls took me off to the CBD so I could hit Capitol Theatre to attend Mary Poppins!!

I'd booked in tickets to see the show for my sister's birthday before Mish Bridges had announced her finale party date - and it clashed. Thought I'd have had to sell or forfeit them, but a sheer stroke of luck (again?!) and I was there in time to sit down and enjoy the show with my sis!!

It was MAGICAL!  The theatre was gorgeous, the stage set was spectacular, and it was upbeat, entertaining and just plain FUN!  I had to duck out a little early, so I could make it back to The Rocks to get ready for the Finale party, so missed a little of the back-end of the show, but was so glad I fit that into the schedule.  My week was so jam-packed, getting to sit down long enough for that too - I was just HAPPY not to have had to miss it in the end!

* * * * *

Back at Camp YHA - the girls were near ready by the time I ventured back in.  I was sunburnt, sweaty and felt feral - and they were made-up, hair-styled and looking FABULOUS!!

Jumping in the shower, I was getting more and more anxious as the minutes ticked over... do I dare wear THE dress?  I really didn't think I had the confidence to pull it off - but with a little prodding (and it being so freaking HOT and humid) - the very short, very tight, very white, very little zebra dress was laid out to be put on...

Fighting with my trying to put on my fake eyelashes (whose idea was that?!!!) and I was getting more and more worked up. My belly was churning, and I was bright red - the sunburn on my face wasn't helping, and the girls were pretty much ready to leave without me!

Throwing on the balance of my makeup, chucking on the shapewear underneath (ALL HAIL THE SHAPEWEAR!!!) - I slipped on the zebra dress, got two glorious thumbs-up from my room mates, popped on THE red patent heels and jewellery, and off we went!

12WBT FINALE PARTY, HERE WE COME!!!

THE Zebra dress!

This was the moment for us - the culmination of hard work and commitment - and we were geared up for a freaking fabulous night!  I stepped out of the taxi with the girls at the pub nearby the event hall, and we found the balance of our group.  The girls praised the dress and told me I looked fabulous - which was EXACTLY what I needed to hear - my knees were shaking. I've NEVER been SO bold or confident enough to wear something so short, least of all strapless, least of all white and totally fitted..

.. and the funniest part to it all was the fact it was a St Vinnies purchase I'd found when I was down in Geelong just a few weeks prior!!  Of all the new glamour dresses I've bought lately, it was my tiny second-hand cheapie that won!   AND it was a size M - all of maybe a 14?!

That was enough for me - I was on a total HIGH after that! That's all I needed - to cut the crap and just HAVE FUN!  This was the stuff I've been working towards - being empowered enough to be ME, to step out of my comfort zone and take that leap of faith that things are actually better than I believe they are - that this body (with all its flaws) is actually OK!!

... and boy did I have fun!!  I spent bulk of the night dancing and hanging with my girls.  I had the opportunity to meet some other amazing 12wbters, and was introduced to quite a few others by my "unofficial media representative" Allison, who introduced me like I was a celebrity!!!  (hahaha... bless her!!)

I had THE best night - the red heels came off in favour of black ballet flats, and that was just the green light to dance the rest of the night away... and dance I did!  Out in the middle of nowhere, on my own if necessary... I didn't care, I just LOVE dancing!!    .. and I spent bulk of it jumping around like a monkey, too much energy for my own good!!!

The party wrapped up by 11pm, and by the time we ventured home, I think we were all pretty much exhausted... !!  Sitting on the side of my bed, my poor aching feet told me the story of what I'd just done for the night (hahaha), but I was on such a high, it took me a good couple of hours to calm down enough to sleep!

Waking up at 6.30am for an early-morning departure back to Penrith (to pick up my car) and I was, no word of a lie, walking around like an old woman!!!

My bones ached. My joints were on fire. I was bent over like a candy cane... I looked and felt a little bit like death - and considering I barely drank anything the night before (well, albeit a few glasses of champers - the first two went straight to my head, haha!) - it was like a hangover from hell, but all in the body!!!

I shuffled out the door and head back to Penrith feeling mighty sore and sorry for myself... and the girls dropped me off at my sister's door and left me to my devices.

Walking through the door like a broken woman, my sister prompted some bacon and eggs for recovery - and ofcourse I couldn't say no!  (haha.. you wouldn't either!). After my recovery breakfast, off I went on my trip back home to Bathurst.... my week was officially over!

Stopping off at Katoomba on my way back home - it was a strategic pitstop to wake me up... proved to be a bit of a "brain catchup" point for me. Standing at Echo Point overlooking the Three Sisters, I just had a stupid grin on my face...  Here I was "enjoying" my day again - without even over-thinking it, worrying about it, feeling guilty or pressured (which is usually how things are for me, when you always feel like you don't belong)... I was just ME in this moment, and I'd just come through one of the biggest weeks of my entire year!

I shuffled back to my car and drove the rest of my trip home, with my little head just mulling over what all this means and how this entire last few months has impacted me...

* * * * *

When I started this round of the 12wbt I was fighting with my body and head. I'd stalled on my weightloss - that pesky up and down 2-kilos was driving me NUTS.  I'd failed a 12-week structure before this round, I just wasn't ready for it...

This one was different. I changed the angle. I wasn't worried about weightloss this time (came at it from a "it'd be nice, but it's not my goal" type angle)...  No, this one was all about fitness for me.

Looking back at how intensely I've adapted my training and how much I'm IN LOVE with this new level of fitness, I can see now why it meant so much this end of it...

The scales didn't do much for me this round - but my body shape, endurance and fitness are on a whole new level!  I've done it the RIGHT way this time - and ironically, I'm still heavier than I was six months ago!  I might have only just cracked back into double digits recently, but my health and food is the best it's been in months.

I have muscles - my calves are AWESOME (and I'm super proud of the shape they're taking - that's my work right there in full view!!) - my arms have definition coming through - my shoulders are more toned and my collar bones are more prominent.  The saggy neck that I despised so much a few months ago is reshaping, my butt is starting to disappear a bit too...  I can fit into a size 14, I even fit a size 12 at the start of the week!  There ARE changes going on!

My fitness is INSANE!! I've trained consistently for MONTHS, building up to my key event in Melbourne - my 14kms... Knowing full well it was only a couple of years ago that I could barely walk a few steps down the road (in the cover of darkness - that emotion is as raw today as it was then...)  - I am SO SO SO proud of myself for achieving what I have in such a short space of time.  I never knew I could do that, I didn't ever assume I'd WANT to try that!  .. and here I am, since August, having achieved FIVE fun-runs already, walking laps of Mount Panorama (some with 10-12kgs on my back!), purposefully looking for training possibilities and training buddies, and LOVING the change in my attitude.

The scales have got NOTHING on what I've achieved this round - they say NOTHING.

My insane fitness and the huge stamina and ability to push my body through the limits - THAT is what I've achieved this round.

My new body shape, and the fact I've dropped another dress size, even though the scales are still high, and can totally rock a short, fitted ZEBRA dress - THAT is what I've achieved this round.

I have a group of amazing women in my local network now who help cull the loneliness - THAT is what I've achieved this round.

I have had the opportunity to extend my story and reach others who are just starting out on their weightloss mission - THAT is what I've achieved this round.



Before I went to Victoria, I felt like a failure... That I hadn't achieved anything in the last six months and was very much going backwards with my mission and goals.

I was SO very wrong, and I apologise to my body and my head for berating them about it.

I see now what we've all been working on so aggressively the last few months - more so in the last 12 weeks - and I have nothing but praise now.

I'm a different girl... AGAIN.  I've grown and matured - my confidence is at an all time high.  I fight and I conquer, and I'll KEEP fighting, because I'm not done yet!

The universe has plans for me - I see that - and I'm open to them now.  I WANT to help and be helped - and the more I give of myself, the more I'm receiving...

It IS all coming together - sometimes you just have to get to the Finale to realise what it is you've busted your arse to achieve for so long!

...  and now I can't wait for the next chapter!


This year has been PHENOMENAL - and with Christmas and New Years just around the corner, I'm SO excited to see what it is that 2012 has in store for me...  I honestly and sincerely can't wait for the adventures I have coming my way.   I have a feeling they are about to rock my world even more!!

THAT is what I've achieved this round...  and I've already got the beginnings of a new goals list for the new year...  I do believe this is where I finally get to say....

GAME ON!!!

;)