Build a bridge and get over it...

HELLO strangers!  

Yes, I've been noticeably absent for the better part of the last month... A LOT has happened over winter - both good and bad - and I thought it was about time that I pulled my finger out and spilled the beans... !

No surprises really - winter has been a little brutal. Not just for me - but for many of the people in my circle.  Not just on the whole chill-factor neither, but emotionally and physically.

You see, I came to a crashing halt a few months ago - hit that horrible brick wall of doom - and EVERYTHING went flying out the window.   Knew it was coming - I'd been fighting it on and off for a while before that (all the pressure and publicity with everything really took its toll) and things really started to implode.

I very nearly put an 'I GIVE UP' sign up as a permanent fixture - but as usual, I'm still 20% underlying Taurean stubborn, and it was just enough to make sure I didn't throw it all in completely.

Having given so much of myself away over the months, I basically left myself void of any mojo to cater for the winter - and having my attention diverted to everything else, I really overlooked how much of an impact the winter months DO have on my body and head. In retrospect (as always) the pattern was there - it's been there for the last three years - and this year wasn't going to be any  different.  ... I'd just failed to acknowledge it in my painfully impatient state of wanting to finish this thing sooner rather than later!  ... BIG MISTAKE.



12 weeks ago I initiated a new challenge - and invited everyone to jump on the "Aim Train" with me - to help me ride out the ten-kilo balance that I was so desperate to achieve to finish everything off. I put it out there that I'd be challenging AND celebrating at the conclusion of the 12 weeks, aiming to hit my 'century lost' - my mammoth milestone moment. I 'thought' I was ready for that...  I was very wrong.


Being ignorant to my own seasonal body rhythms and routines, added to the fact that I was so emotionally, physically and mentally drained, I was in for a world of hurt.  

As winter took over, my body went into meltdown - my eating went out the window, my routines were a mess, I was exercising sporadically when my joints and energy allowed. The horrible Bathurst winter hit (worse than last year, I'm sure) and my knees hurt so much I was nearly in tears trying to do basic movements.  It had really only been weeks before that I'd been busting serious butt at the gym for the Commando Challenge, and my fitness was through the roof!   To come back to being virtually immobile on occasions, not only tested my physical capabilities, but my fortitude in forgiving a body that has been so abused for so many years...    I was shattered.

To add insult to injury, my body was in crazy overdrive trying to keep warm. I was cold - brutally cold - all the time, as though my body had no idea how to thermo-regulate itself?!  I've never been this small before, and I guess my body was in a state of shock aswell - my cravings went through the roof!  There were NO triggers in my head to stop me eating - I would eat and eat and eat and eat.... til my belly was near bursting, and STILL my body was telling me it wanted more.  It was as though it was trying to insulate itself with layers of fat again, because we were seriously chilled to the bone?!   I don't understand it, nor do I really know what happened, but add my BODY'S response to winter, and my flagging motivation, lack of exercise and a serious case of the SADs (seasonal affective disorder - a nice dose of icky winter depression to throw in there)...   and it was little wonder that in just a couple of months I piled on about 8 kilos without even blinking.

I chose the path of failure. 

I broke my own heart.

Instead of coming through with my 10 kilo victory... I had a very bruising 8 kilo gain, and ended up in triple figures again (I cried....).  Had it not been for the sporadic exercise, that figure would probably have been double.  Were it not for the fact that about four weeks ago I kicked my own butt back into gear, I wouldn't be able to tell you NOW that I'm "back to where I started"...  

My saving grace was a slight change-up of weather a few weeks ago - a glimpse of sunshine and a serious case of disgust in myself...  One superior kick up my own butt, and an encouraging gym manager (I lost my membership at the conclusion of the Commando Challenge, and didn't have the funds to return - another hit to the efforts).... and my mojo started to return.   I cleaned up my act, stopped stressing over the small stuff, got my arse moving again... lost the gain and am now pretty much back to where I started 12 weeks ago.

VERY humbling experience this winter business. I've seen A LOT of people struggle this year - my circle of friends have all had their fair share of ups and downs along the way too... so I know I'm not alone.  But it feels that way.  The aggravation of being isolated in my own head was nearly my own undoing.  I didn't reach out to people when I should have - I felt obligated to continue being a "pillar of motivation" - which (to me) didn't allow me the flexibility of having up and down months like this... and because others were struggling, I felt compelled to hide my "weakness" (per say) so they would continue to push through their issues and not be dragged down by mine.  

I FORGOT (again) just how fragile I am in the scheme of this complete life overhaul.  I gained kilos.  I lost friendships.  I cried.  I hurt.  I broke through.   Again...


SO, I copped my shitty 8 kilo gain on the chin - and the last four weeks I threw off the veil of self-pity to unleash a bit of a training monster!  I was so revolted in my eating-abuse, and how bloated I felt with just 8 kilos back on, that it left NO ROOM for excuses. My food intake has somewhat improved (hahaha... just took a better structure, still needs cleaning up!!) - but it was about reconnecting with the body, and getting myself moving forward again!

I could FEEL the body coming out of winter hibernation... and she woke up with a screaming determination and was really, really pissed off that I wasn't looking after what she'd worked so hard to achieve!    The body stopped telling me to eat everything in sight, my joints started moving more freely again... and I pushed myself back into forward momentum.  

The last three weeks I've been focused on bringing this baby home. My training has been AWESOME!  Teaching myself how to jog, just last week I hit a new PB on the treadmill - 5.5kms in one go!  Just a few weeks ago, I couldn't even run a solid distance at all - I was jogging "intervals" because my knees couldn't hack the distance - and I could barely do metres at a time.   In just a few weeks I've gone from never having jogged at all, to hitting 5.5kms and craving more!  My weights are all up in Pump - I can now squat press over 25kgs!   My fitness is well and truly back, and my body is starting to move again!   The scales came back into play, and I FEEL strong and ready to tackle the losses over the warmer months.


It's definitely NOT all "doom and gloom".  My 12 week challenge really HAS been everything it should have been - a "challenge" in every sense of the word!  Winter was never going to be easy - I should have recognised that from the three month (or more) plateaus I've copped EVERY year for the past three years I've been doing this!!!   My arrogance to that was my wake-up call this year...   Breakdowns and breathroughs all over again - but as always, I only come out fighting. Stronger, more focused and even more determined to beat this bloody mission one way or another!!

.... and at the close of my 12 week challenge, it wasn't just a "victory dance" I was puportedly to be doing.  No, this one actually turned into something MORE valid than just a pat on the back and a blow-my-own-trumpet kind of thing.

Jax, myself and Lynda on the bridge - climbing high baby!!

On Saturday (Aug 13), I climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge! For a girl who has a horrible fear of heights (including dizziness, nauseau and vertigo symptoms... I don't even like standing on a chair!!!)... this was a HUGE challenge I'd set myself. 

It was "supposed" to be a victory moment - get up on top of that bloody bridge, fly my own "look at me, I'm 100 kilos lighter" flag....  but it wasn't.  I haven't earnt that one yet.  No, instead it was a moment of reflection - the girl I USED TO BE would NOT have done this.  I thought I didn't deserve it (given I didn't meet my goal) but I was very wrong...

The mini-victories in the activity alone were worth the effort - fitting in a jumpsuit that would NOT have fitted before. Fitting through the "small spaces" that I wouldn't have attempted before. Walking along narrow, elevated platforms, and climbing steep ladders (that were very nearly my undoing mind you!!) a huge previous no-no! Every time I hit a "snag point" and overcame it, it was a WIN!  I had MANY wins.. but not how I'd initially imagined when it was put on the 'to-do' list 12 weeks previous!

I think I had it in my head that when I got up there, I was going to just "sing hallelujah" - scream and rejoice and carry on about hitting the mother of all milestones...  but it didn't happen like that for me - aside from the fact I didn't meet my goal, the whole challenge became something more significant.  

There was a moment well before the top that I nearly burst into tears (and it wasn't the icky ladder stint that did it, hahaha)....   No, a wave of emotion hit somewhere early on.  I didn't leave "the old Amy" at the top of the bridge like I thought I would.   I left her at the bottom - where she was always looking up, too scared to take that first step, too frightened to move out of the comfort zone and BE what she'd always admired in everyone else.  I left her there.  I didn't mean to, and I didn't even realise until I was already well and truly on my way...   She got left behind.

It hurts a little though.  I KNOW all too well how it feels to be left behind - it's happened my entire life. I AM "the girl who got left behind"....  and I just did that to her!   I feel remorse and sadness for her...  She missed out - again!

.... but by the time I got to the top of that bridge, I wasn't that girl anymore, and I bloody well knew it. I might have complained a little, laughed it off, pretended it was all ok on the way up - but I knew there was more going on than I made out. The smile on my face said it, the adrenalin in my body was telling me, the immediate change of perception proved it.

Lynda & I get our race on!

And if that wasn't enough, the following day (Aug 14) was set to mark yet another milestone for me!  The Sydney City 2 Surf 14kms fun-run was a HUGE eye opener! For a girl who couldn't even walk to the end of the block just a few years ago from humiliation, shame and fear - 14kms with 84,999 of my new friends - just proved to this stubborn Taurean just how different I actually am!!

Well BUGger me, I did it!!

AMAZING event that not only showed me how physically fit I am now, but just how mentally tough I am too.  The 14kms didn't worry me at all - I walked my pace solidly (I'm a fast walker too) - and aside from one regretful toilet break incident (that cost me about 40minutes because of a hideous lineup, mixup, bad choices, long story!  Totally spewing!!!)  - it was pretty freaking awesome to know I had the capacity to get in there and really hit this in the way I did! 

Aside from some seriously stiff hips and joints today, it's a MASSIVE eye opener to what I CAN actually do if I set my mind to it!   ... and just how freaking competitive I can get... hahaha!

... and I've already got my eye on my next two events next month!!  She's got the bug baby...!!!! 


The "slow moving girl" that I used to be would NOT have been able to handle these challenges - on ANY level.  I wasn't physically capable, nor emotionally developed enough. I was riddled with self-doubt and excruciating, paralysing fear of ANYTHING even remotely out of my comfort zone. 

I know "the old me" all too well to know that this weekend was a defining one - not how I thought it'd be, not how I thought it'd feel, and it certainly wasn't as emotional as I assumed.  I just know something changed, and it's taken me a little time to digest it! 

I was on such a massive high yesterday afternoon, despite the body locking up slightly, I could have merrily skipped (like a fairy - with my ladybug wings and all!) the 2 hour drive home from the city, haha   .... but it hit today. Lethargic, stiff and sore... and the impact of such a huge moment for me really struck its chord.


About 170 people joined me on my 12 week challenge, and created the most amazing support group network I've ever seen or been a part of...    In that time, I've watched the others take on their own challenges, push themselves out of their comfort zones, work with what they have to implement and make it better, and extend the hands of friendship to others.  It's beautiful.

It's extremely humbling and I'm VERY grateful to have them do this with me - I genuinely thought I'd let them down when I came out the end of this "just the same" as when I started....   but I'm NOT the same....

She's still there at the bottom of that bridge...   she didn't jump off the bridge (like I had imagined).   No, she just let me go.  No need to carry on or make a fuss - we just parted ways - I walked forward and she stayed behind. I have no doubt that if I turned around, there'd be a shadow there to remind me of what I used to be, but that's where she has to stay now. No turning back.... there's no point.  I'm too far ahead now, and we're too different.  She let me go.


I didn't fail.  Winter taught me resilience, determination and strength.  Again.  There's lessons in EVERYTHING, and though I don't always like to hear it 'at the time', I always come out better for it in the end.  I earn what I achieve, and I'll continue to work to get to my goal. 

I'm not putting a time frame on "the balance" anymore.  Nor am I going to throw my numbers around like they're part of the weekly lotto!  They're sacred. They're personal. They're part of ME - and what I do from now on will reflect my new-found self-respect and determination.

I'm still here to help inspire and motivate - I love people and I love having the capacity to help them change their own lives...  and I'll do that in a way befitting my capabilities.    ... but it's time to knuckle down and keep the fire in my belly burning for ME. 

There's more challenges ahead - and even more victories - and I can't wait to see just what I'm going to prove myself wrong with next!   I have SO MUCH to do.... !!!!

So technically I didn't 'build the bridge'... but I sure as hell got over it!!!  ;)


xx

3.5 years FAST FOOD FREE!!

YESSSSSSS, I kid you not!  I FINALLY hit my 3.5 year mark - another MILESTONE for this little black duck...  I've been counting up to them for a couple of months, and then it totally skipped my mind the week it happened!!!  (that was last week incidentally...)

183 weeks I've been at this MISSION of mine, and this marks one of the most significant changes to my existence to date. FAST FOOD FREE for three and a half years... WHY is this so significant?  Well, as usual, there's a story that goes with it!  (.... since when has it ever NOT had a story go with it?!  hahaha)

You see, I was an addict.  In all sense of the word. I've been trying to bring myself to talk about this very topic for a while now - have even had people ask me for help on this very issue - and I haven't quite been able to wrap my head around it.

I've never truly admitted to the problem.... but it was as deeply damaging as any other 'vice' out there, but one that's not often acknowledged.

Now, before anyone criticises me for paralleling this to some of those hideous soul-destroying and life-threatening addictions, let me quantify that this wasn't ANY different. I'm not joking nor making light of the issue when I say I was an addict...  I've been over and over it in my mind - the tantrums, tears, withdrawals... EVERYTHING that I've endured coming off this hideous vice bears remarkable similarity to all the side effects of coming off anything we deem 'poisonous' - smoking, alcohol, drugs, coke, chocolate (!!)...   anything that has an 'addictive' baseline, where it controls you to your very core.

I've spoken about it on and off in the forums over the years, but never actually admitted to anyone just how revolting and how out of control it was.  To "demonstrate" this particular topic and prove to MYSELF just how different life is for me these days....  I was "going" to set myself up for a doozey of a self-inflicted challenge, and take myself through drive-thru, and order just as I would have "before"...  but I've since changed my mind about that.  Would you wave a bottle under an alcoholic's nose and deliberately tempt them?!  No.... that's just pathetic. 

SO, instead, I'm going to sit here and 'database' my old habits, and get the stats that I've never ever been game enough to calculate before.  Dare say it's going to break my heart a few times over, and I'll confess it up to you guys, and show you just what kind of impact this so called 'food' has on a person....

You are what you eat....

SO here goes...  confession time.

For me, my addiction probably started when I got my car, and then I discovered drive-thru - the ULTIMATE lazy girl's dream...  No need to brutalise myself walking into the outlet and be 'seen' buying the junk food, I could drive past, "inconspicuous" like and pretend they didn't recognise me... time and time again.

You KNOW you have an issue though, when you get heart palpitations when you're about to drive up to the window, and just fear they'll recognise you.  So you don't make eye contact - you say thank you and drive as fast as you can out the other side...

You KNOW it's even worse when you start doing multi-trips through different outlets, in succession.... "double drive-thrus" if you will, because you can't decide whether you want chicken or burgers....  ohhhh but the burgers are better at one of them, but you want the sundae and nuggets from the other.  Ok, let's get all three.   ... and then there's the chips issue, ohhhh my god the chips! The ones at Joint A are better than Joint B, but then I want the meal from Joint C aswell...  (Yes, I've done that too).

SO then you drive home, plonk your already expanding, grease-infused butt on the couch and proceed to eat the meals, one after the other...  Everything is upsized because "it's better value for money" that way, and you don't want to waste your cash after all.  You can't let the sundaes melt, so as you're hoovering down the fries (which are already getting too cold, so you better eat them faster), you've got fries coming from one hand, a burger sitting in front of you, chicken to the side, and a spoonful of sundae about to follow them down...

Are you feeling ill yet?

Worst part is, despite having just eaten "dinner", apart from feeling sick to your stomach and bloated from all the multiple soft drinks that have come with the multi-meals... you're really not 'feeling it' and half an hour later, you've got your nose stuck in the fridge.

So you toss up whether you go up the road again and just grab that hot apple pie that you'd reluctantly bypassed (which goes SO well with those sundaes after all...  OH and maybe I'll just get a skinny hot chocolate from the McCafe and one of those heavenly macadamia cookies aswell.... I've already eaten too much anyway, might as well just go for that too!).

I WISH I was kidding....


That routine happened nearly every day coming towards the end of the 'fast food addiction' (pre-Mission and lifestyle change).  It was so violent, I was doing drive-thru for lunch, and then dinner, and then STILL not satisfied after, I'd end up eating again....

I was consuming THOUSANDS of calories worth of food (and I knew it, I just didn't want to admit to any of it) and had ZERO nutrition, my body was literally screaming at me that I was killing it with fat and sugar.

All the signals were there - I was moody as hell, had terrible acne, my weight ballooned well over 30kilos in just a year (give or take, I don't really have record of that, I was in so much denial... that was when I was already around 150kgs mind you - that's what I "thought" I was still hovering around, til I bought scales weighing high enough to tell me it was closer to 200.... )....  and I was broke.  ALWAYS broke.

It was literally nothing for me to go and order a full feed of Chinese food (multi-containers worth) for dinner and sit there and eat the lot of that, then go through Maccas for a McFlurry or sundae for 'dessert' just because I was too lazy to actually cook a meal for myself.  That was supposedly my "healthier" option too - after all, Chinese stir-frys are good aren't they?!!  PFFT! 

Dinners usually consisted of multiple trips through any of the four major fast food outlets that did cheap, nasty drive-thru  (KFC, Maccas, Hungry Jacks and Red Rooster) - ALWAYS upsized, always multiple meals... and occasionally there was multiple pizzas thrown into the mix too (if I could wait that long for them to cook....). 

Lunchtimes weren't as ferocious - I mean, I had to go back to the office, and reeking of fatty oils and feeling the lethargy that comes with the 'down' after your hit....  wasn't exactly great for my work performance. I always felt gross after eating this, but was in so much denial, I literally couldn't see it - I really WAS an addict.  I would hide in my car and eat my junk, then go back to work and pretend it didn't happen. End up in the bathroom checking there weren't sesame seeds stuck to my chin or chocolate sauce on the edges of my mouth - like a junkie hiding the track marks up their arms.... THAT was how vile it had become.

SO let's see just what kind of damage I was up against....

LUNCH menu:  KFC twister or Zinger Burger, upsized chips and can of softdrink (usually Mountain Dew or Sprite)...  If I was having a "hungry day" I'd go for their box deals (you know, the ones with the burger, couple pieces of chicken, drink and chips)...  and then there was the addition of potato and gravy, cuz I liked that with their chippies.   OHHH and not to mention something like Popcorn chicken, while I was at it.  OK.  Damage?  Let's add it up...   (according to the 'nutritional info' from the website)...

Twister -  2446kj / 585cals  - 10.2gms sat fat - 4.1gms sugar - 1200mg sodium
Chips (large) - 2403 kj / 574cals - 12.9gms sat fat - 1.0gms sugar - 642mg sodium
Potato & Gravy - 329kg / 80cals - 3.2gms sat fat - 0.1gms sugar - 394mg sodium
Sprite 375ml - 440kj / 158cals - 0gms sat fat - 25.3gms sugar - 28.5mg sodium

TOTALS:  5618kjs / 1341cals 
29.5grams of saturated fat  - 30.5grams sugar - 2264.5mgs sodium

That one 'modest' meal is virtually an entire day's worth of food for me 'nowadays'.... riddled with saturated fat and sugar (which are equally as bad as one another), and the sodium levels are THROUGH THE ROOF.

.... and that's not even adding in all the other things on top when I just didn't care.  Nor does it take into account my dinner meals (which were WAY worse than that, add in sundaes, cookies, burger meal deals, even more soft drink....) ... nor does it acknowledge any of the OTHER snacks or drinks I'd have consumed over the course of the day.

At this point, I'm actually too scared (and revolted) to calculate the rest up.   I KNEW in my heart of hearts that the calories in these meals were horrendous, but THAT doesn't even come close to what I was actually consuming bulk of the time.  That's just the 'small' meal version....

If you're feeling rather queasy and disgusted right now, you should be.  I am too...   THIS is what I was doing to my body on a daily basis - the amount of junk I was pushing into my system, the sodium and chemicals, the hideous amount of fat...  it's no wonder I was a walking time-bomb, no wonder I was nearly 200kilos, no wonder I was as round as I was tall (and I AM tall).... and no wonder I had no will left to live.


It's not just the food consumption at play here.... what this did to my MINDSET is nothing short of brutal. Severe mood swings and the constant battles of lethargy....  hating EVERYTHING, it would literally feel like my skin was crawling sometimes (how does THAT not resemble a drug addict?!!!!) and I'd be twitching waiting for the next 'hit'.... and I was NEVER satisfied.

Again, I WISH I was kidding...   I'm absolutely gutted at the thought of what I did to myself - it was self-inflicted abuse - I was literally killing myself on purpose.  There's noone to blame but myself.

I bought the food.  I ate it.  End of story.  All the lumps, bumps, scars, mental torture, left over body issues I have now... that's all my own doing.  I'd love to point the finger and say it's the companies that riddle their food full of sugars and 'addictive' substances, but honestly, there's supermarkets up the road from these outlets, and I opted for the lazy-man's way of eating.  End of argument.

Literally minutes up the road from my house I have no less than 8 fast food outlets.  KFC is just around the corner - so close that I can smell it cooking when the wind wafts it over a few back fences....   Maccas, Hungry Jacks, Eagle Boys, Red Rooster and Dominos are all within the same two blocks on opposing sides of the street...  There's four Chinese food shops within a few blocks of that, two takeaway 'fish & chips' shops, and a couple of pubs and bakeries.  These are ALL within a 5 minute radius of my house.   Any wonder then that a single girl living on her own would adopt the mentality that "it's too much trouble cooking for myself, I'll just grab takeaway?!".

HMMMMMM......  again, noone to blame but myself.


SO, when did this all change.  Day one, 183 weeks ago.  IT HAD TO GO.  I didn't know it was an addiction at the time - I couldn't recognise it.  All I know is that I could eat myself into a grease-coma and STILL want more.  I KNEW that wasn't right....   I knew that eating that sort of food was contributing to my weight issues AND my mental instability, and I knew I had to 'detox' just for a little bit if I was going to have any chance at all of working on the weight problems.

This also coincides with the start of THE biggest mission of my life mind you - trying to crack your entire weight problem and turn your entire life around (from wanting dead to trying to find reason to live).... and knowing full well you were bound to fail.  (yep, I assumed failure before I even began).

.... and yet here I am.  I made NO promises to drop the fast food permanently - all I wanted to do was try and minimise the damage in the first couple of weeks....  It was a futile effort, or so I thought, because I was fighting tooth and nail EVERY FREAKING DAY with the cravings, the mood swings, the withdrawals, the horrible stomach pains, the headaches, the tears....   Then an ad would come on TV for it, and I'd cry, because I felt deprived, and irritable and I just wanted to eat those things without feeling this horrendous revolting GUILT that I ALWAYS had eating that crap.

.... and then the smells would waft over my back fence.... and my skin would crawl, I'd nearly drool on myself, my mind would start playing nasty tricks on me and I'd be back to wallowing in my own pain again.  I mean, seriously, who cries over chips?!   ... but I did... hours and hours of crying over junk food, spilling my agony and trying to get this hideous disease out of my system.

If that's not ADDICTION then I don't know what is.   For a girl that's been through (undiagnosed) depression, self-harm and self-inflicted mental torture.... this was just as tormenting as anything else I'd been through or done to myself.  I just didn't ever understand just what it was that I was overcoming, at the time... 


... and so a week or two turned into a few more.  I was making headway with my losses and starting to FEEL better. The side-effects were starting to wear off, and my body was responding to FOOD!   Granted, back in the beginning, my eating habits weren't anywhere near as clean or structured as they are these days (that's taken three years of re-training ofcourse) - and I was still eating a lot of processed foods, and pre-packed frozen meals (etc etc) as I was struggling to come to terms with changing this massive problem. I always had it in my mind that if I really wanted something, I could have it - no limitations - but something in me just clicked and I couldn't bring myself to venture down the fast food driveway again. It had been one of the most damaging foods, and I didn't want it to come back while i was desperately trying to dig my way out of the mess I was in.

.... and it's amazing what happens when you really put your foot down.  A few months rolled by, and I realised I'd had a bit of a 'win' with my fast food addiction.... and here I am celebrating 3.5 years "clean", and it's nothing for me to drive past now and not give it a second thought.  I can go into Maccas now and order a water and sit with my friends who order their coffee and cake, and I'm very ok with that!  (I know, I've tried it a couple times to test myself...).

I've never truly deprived myself... not really (I simply wouldn't have lasted this long otherwise).  I started making my homemade alternatives, so I could still have my 'yummies' but without the hideous guilt - moderated ofcourse!  Egg "mcmuffins", home made hamburgers, pita pizzas, stirfrys and boiled rice... I even had my 'chicken fix' sorted there for a while with lots of ground pepper on pan-fried chicken thighs (it was as close to that KFC taste as I could find and I was fine with that!!)...   The ONLY 'fast food' I even consider these days is the occasional Subway, and I just don't rank it in the same realm as the others... and besides, I still make better salad rolls at home myself, so it's rare at the best of times!


When I was contemplating writing about this, as I said before, I was tempted to go and buy all the things I USED to order, then bring them back here and blend them all up together.... because at the end of the day, that junky slosh is what I used to filter through my body (til it was clogging my pores trying to get back out, yuck!) and I wanted to remember that.  BUT I actually don't need to...  I'm so far removed from the addiction that this fast food had over me, I literally see no point... 

I was asked one time by a friend just how I overcame my 'fast food addiction'.... and I wish I had more solid answers than just this confession post.  There's no "miracle cure" for anything, not really.  If you want change, you have to BE THE CHANGE (it's my motto after all!).... and I never EVER anticipated this to go on for as long as it has.  All I wanted was a few weeks OFF the grease!!!

.... but like any addiction, there comes a point when you have to stop questioning whether you're going to stuff it up, and actually stand up and be proud of yourself.  That's me today!  I'm giving myself a GOLD STAR and happily announcing that I've been 183 weeks (3.5 years) FAST FOOD FREE, and will keep going for as long as I "don't feel like it"!!!!

It's one of my biggest achievements to date - has literally changed the course of my eating, and in turn, changed my body, and as such, changed my life...  and it was never intentional!  There's NOTHING small in that, it's a whole wad of healthy UPSIZING right there! 

Here's to many more 'unplanned victories' in the future!  If they feel as good as this one, then BRING THEM ON!!!   It just makes the lifestyle change that I'd set out to achieve worth so much more than I could ever have imagined....  Gotta love that!!

:)

So what if you're NOT an exercise machine...

Now, if you ARE an exercise machine, killing serious cals in your workouts, do about a gazillion gym sessions each week, running out your door and bragging about your multiple-workouts in a row - this one's NOT for you!  You're fine... you don't need me!

Nope, I'm talking to the person whose hiding out in their loungeroom with serious 'exercise envy' because they simply don't know where to start, or are talking themselves out of even trying because they "can't match it with the others".

... and I'll tell you why.

The last two weeks I've copped a serious dose of REALITY.  If you've been following my story the past few months, you'll know that my little world turned itself upside down with the introduction of the Commando Challenge.  EVERYTHING went into overdrive - eating, exercising, blogging, publicity...   turned into a bit of a "monster" on all fronts, so obsessed with that wretched goal that I feared eating, was working my body into the ground, and regretfully... I had a physical and emotional breakdown because of it.  I hit a brick wall with a whopping great thud because I turned my nose up at reality.

.... and it's taken its toll since.  Not only has my body battled pulling ANY numbers since, but I lost the plot - literally - and went into self-sabotage binge-mode eating, emotional breakdowns, enormous self-doubt, and I'm really loathe to say it, but the "black" started to seep back into my psyche.  Then the onslaught of Bathurst's fantastic winter weather hit, and my knees packed it in, mobility became an issue and the 'hibernation munchies' took over...

Tomorrow I lose my gym membership (which was sponsored for three-months for the course of the Challenge) and shattered at the prospect of losing that outlet, promised myself I'd take advantage of my final week.... and you know what, I haven't even walked in there once this week.  I'm just too gutted because I can't financially afford to pay to renew it.   Needless to say, some part of me threw my hands up in the air and said "why bother?!!!" - and I've been fighting it since, somewhat pathetically.


I've been sitting here this week working on strategies to get myself out of this horrible funk, self-analysing what's going on and why I'm so upset, and wondering "what the hell I did BEFORE all this stuff" - publicity, gym, competitiveness - when I used to do this in secret and without a gym - that was working so well, before I turned into the ignorant, arrogant, number-obsessed junkie that I've turned into!

I sit here and read other people 'bragging' about their results, successes, wins and big calorie-smashing exercise sessions, and the lump in my throat is enough to suffocate me.  I'm seriously shattered.  There WAS a time when it was ME sitting here doing the bragging (which in all fairness, before someone takes offense, it's NOT bragging really - it's often someone surprising themselves with something they never did before, so are so excited they just want to share with everyone else!  ... well, that was ME anyway... am sure there's others out there who ARE literally bragging!!!)...   I read this, I congratulate, I fly the happy flag for them...  but I'm hurting.  A lot.

The last few weeks I've been loathe to exercise at all - my mobility is very much hindered with my knees out of action, and it breaks my heart.  My eating-binges have me up and down a few kilos on the scales, and I feel bloated and icky because of it - and just want to hide away in a moo-moo cuz my self-perception is so distorted, I'm back to feeling the way I did three years ago at my heaviest!  I want to hide, I don't want people stopping to stare at my lumpy body, trying to move when I can't...   and I can't even begin to explain how disappointed and upsetting it is to see so few calories burnt when I DO exercise (distorted perception again, because my fitness became so strong, I have to keep working more and more to see the same levels of calories burnt = superior fitness. So going back to 'realistic' routines and smaller burns, I'm so distorted, that I'm severely disappointed..)

It was only a few weeks ago I was doing double classes a day at the gym, or a good solid 2+ hours nearly 6 days a week.  I was kicking BUTT - like a freaking "professional exerciser" - but let's face it, I was so wrapped up in that constant WIN, I was living off adrenalin and so brutally obsessed with my results, I was completely ignorant to the fact I was hurting myself (literally) - and stuffed my body entirely because of it.  I minced my knees, exhausted all the reserves, and my body started retaliating with weird side effects (ones I didn't tell anyone about when they were happening).   NOT realistic, NOT normal... ignorant, arrogant, brutal and quite frankly.... STUPID.

I lost the love of exercise - which broke my heart - because for a girl who could barely move 'before', it's that liberation that I'd fallen in love with... The more freedom I found, the more I loved it.   ... and now, I'm stuck in a zone where I degrade doing something simple (because it's "not enough"), I question why I bother if it's not big or brutal enough, fob-off the basics and opt for hiding instead, because my head-space is so out of whack!

My breakdown the other day was necessary - they always are - it's the trigger-point where I come to cross-roads about what I'm doing versus what I SHOULD be doing.   I sat here and cried, because I miss the girl who was happy to plod along with her weightloss - who rejoiced in losing half a kilo a week cuz she worked to pull that and it IS enough...  who rejoiced in going for a half-hour (!!) walk and didn't care so much that it wasn't burning "over a thousand calories", the girl who ate realistically and was humbled by finding new things about herself and her body all the time that she didn't know she could do...  who didn't feel compelled to hit goals (or hurt herself for them) for a 'deadline' or let someone else's expectations rule her actions! 

I miss her...   SHE was real. 


Yesterday I forced myself to walk to the post office, bank, shop and home.  It wasn't a big walk by any means - in fact, it was nothing in comparison to what I've been known to do...  but it was MY achievement.   My head was telling me to drive, "stay warm Amy, your knees are bad, don't do it... Don't want to be seen in my tracky pants strutting down the main street... You can just hide and do the cross trainer in the loungeroom (which I probably wouldn't have - even THAT strategy isn't necessarily working!)...  It'll take too long to walk there and back - you should be doing client work instead."    BULL.   It took about 40 mins, INCLUDING the stint in the shop... and it made me feel GOOD. 

Simple walk.  Didn't wear my heart rate monitor - because I didn't WANT to know...

SO WHAT if my heart rate didn't reach some ridiculous point that my temples wanted to explode... 
SO WHAT if it didn't even register a solid hour's walk
SO WHAT if someone sees you in tracky pants
SO WHAT .... ?!   What what what what?!!  

I came home really humbled, and really relieved.  I smiled as I unpacked my groceries and made my delicious lunch with the goodies I'd found marked down, that I'd have missed otherwise.  It empowered me enough to strap on my shoes last night and go to my Zumba class (the one I ADORE but have been avoiding too cuz "it doesnt burnt enough cals"... OMG I cry for that... ) and it gave me the spark today to go and have lunch with my friend and LEAVE MY FREAKING HOUSE and be social, when my head is in "hermit mode".

.... and just as we were sitting there having lunch outside today, the sunshine broke out from behind the dark clouds, and I said to Dan, "I'm going to go for a walk! I NEED to walk!"...

.... and I did!

Came home, geared up and walked out the door. I walked for 55 minutes - out to Kelso and back (roughly 5kms).  It was the track I was ECSTATIC to walk not that many months ago, when I'd built up enough stamina and endurance to handle such a long distance.  It was the one I'd fobbed off since, because "it wasn't enough!"  (ouch...)

As I was coming down the back straight on the way home, it hit me....   I was doing what I loved - I'd literally zoned out - had stopped telling myself this was wasting my time, wasn't good enough, my heart rate wasn't peaked enough, I wasn't working hard enough...  BULLSHIT.   My knees were handling it ok, I could feel it in my thighs, I wasn't huffing and puffing (fitness is awesome, but basic movement is bliss) and I felt GOOD.

SO WHAT if I'm not a freaking professional exerciser?!   I stopped loving it when I went obsessive...
SO WHAT if I can't do what I did just a couple of months ago?   That person killed her body because she turned ignorant and pushed herself into dangerous territory...
SO WHAT if I can't match numbers with people 20-30kgs lighter than me.  They weren't nearly 200kgs to start with, and learning how to walk again from scratch!

SO WHAT if you have to start again Amy.... 


I thought of YOU GUYS when I was walking today. The people who are stuck in their loungerooms, broken hearted, hurt, with serious 'exercise envy', wondering how the hell to get up and take that first step...    It wasn't that long ago that I was there with you.   I was the girl who could barely move, was so ashamed it took a good couple of years before I was brave enough to exercise in public...   I was the girl who cried the first time she went outside for a walk, from shame.... then cried the day she pushed a jog into the mix, from pure joy!

Sitting here writing this with tears streaming down my face (again!) - literally with my training gear still on, having walked back through the door and sat down to write this...  I needed to talk to you guys....

I was so relieved and happy to reconnect with the girl who loves to walk, not for anyone else, but because she CAN....   She and I have a lot of 're-bonding' to do again, she's the heart and soul of this whole operation, and she's a little bruised from the abuse she's copped the last couple of months... but  we're gonna be ok, she's pretty forgiving...   But she had a message for you...



I LOVE exercise because it empowers ME, it makes ME feel good. It humbles me because I gave myself a second chance to move, it recharges me and fills me with pride that I CHOSE to do this for the sole purpose of benefitting ME. It works hand in hand with my proactive lifestyle choices, healthy eating and working on the psyche...  everything works together when it's balanced, heartfelt and REAL.


SO WHAT if we're not all insane, maniac-style gym-junkies and professional sweaters?!!    It's not about them, it's about YOU.  Every choice makes a difference. Every step is worthwhile.


SO WHAT I'm doing now... is empowering YOU to get up and make that stand.  Next time you'd prefer to hide away, just don't.  Walk out that door with me in your head - just as I had you with me today.  You only need to take that first step...  the rest is just magic!

Be proud, and just get up and DO.  The smallest things can mean the most!

xx