3.5 years FAST FOOD FREE!!

YESSSSSSS, I kid you not!  I FINALLY hit my 3.5 year mark - another MILESTONE for this little black duck...  I've been counting up to them for a couple of months, and then it totally skipped my mind the week it happened!!!  (that was last week incidentally...)

183 weeks I've been at this MISSION of mine, and this marks one of the most significant changes to my existence to date. FAST FOOD FREE for three and a half years... WHY is this so significant?  Well, as usual, there's a story that goes with it!  (.... since when has it ever NOT had a story go with it?!  hahaha)

You see, I was an addict.  In all sense of the word. I've been trying to bring myself to talk about this very topic for a while now - have even had people ask me for help on this very issue - and I haven't quite been able to wrap my head around it.

I've never truly admitted to the problem.... but it was as deeply damaging as any other 'vice' out there, but one that's not often acknowledged.

Now, before anyone criticises me for paralleling this to some of those hideous soul-destroying and life-threatening addictions, let me quantify that this wasn't ANY different. I'm not joking nor making light of the issue when I say I was an addict...  I've been over and over it in my mind - the tantrums, tears, withdrawals... EVERYTHING that I've endured coming off this hideous vice bears remarkable similarity to all the side effects of coming off anything we deem 'poisonous' - smoking, alcohol, drugs, coke, chocolate (!!)...   anything that has an 'addictive' baseline, where it controls you to your very core.

I've spoken about it on and off in the forums over the years, but never actually admitted to anyone just how revolting and how out of control it was.  To "demonstrate" this particular topic and prove to MYSELF just how different life is for me these days....  I was "going" to set myself up for a doozey of a self-inflicted challenge, and take myself through drive-thru, and order just as I would have "before"...  but I've since changed my mind about that.  Would you wave a bottle under an alcoholic's nose and deliberately tempt them?!  No.... that's just pathetic. 

SO, instead, I'm going to sit here and 'database' my old habits, and get the stats that I've never ever been game enough to calculate before.  Dare say it's going to break my heart a few times over, and I'll confess it up to you guys, and show you just what kind of impact this so called 'food' has on a person....

You are what you eat....

SO here goes...  confession time.

For me, my addiction probably started when I got my car, and then I discovered drive-thru - the ULTIMATE lazy girl's dream...  No need to brutalise myself walking into the outlet and be 'seen' buying the junk food, I could drive past, "inconspicuous" like and pretend they didn't recognise me... time and time again.

You KNOW you have an issue though, when you get heart palpitations when you're about to drive up to the window, and just fear they'll recognise you.  So you don't make eye contact - you say thank you and drive as fast as you can out the other side...

You KNOW it's even worse when you start doing multi-trips through different outlets, in succession.... "double drive-thrus" if you will, because you can't decide whether you want chicken or burgers....  ohhhh but the burgers are better at one of them, but you want the sundae and nuggets from the other.  Ok, let's get all three.   ... and then there's the chips issue, ohhhh my god the chips! The ones at Joint A are better than Joint B, but then I want the meal from Joint C aswell...  (Yes, I've done that too).

SO then you drive home, plonk your already expanding, grease-infused butt on the couch and proceed to eat the meals, one after the other...  Everything is upsized because "it's better value for money" that way, and you don't want to waste your cash after all.  You can't let the sundaes melt, so as you're hoovering down the fries (which are already getting too cold, so you better eat them faster), you've got fries coming from one hand, a burger sitting in front of you, chicken to the side, and a spoonful of sundae about to follow them down...

Are you feeling ill yet?

Worst part is, despite having just eaten "dinner", apart from feeling sick to your stomach and bloated from all the multiple soft drinks that have come with the multi-meals... you're really not 'feeling it' and half an hour later, you've got your nose stuck in the fridge.

So you toss up whether you go up the road again and just grab that hot apple pie that you'd reluctantly bypassed (which goes SO well with those sundaes after all...  OH and maybe I'll just get a skinny hot chocolate from the McCafe and one of those heavenly macadamia cookies aswell.... I've already eaten too much anyway, might as well just go for that too!).

I WISH I was kidding....


That routine happened nearly every day coming towards the end of the 'fast food addiction' (pre-Mission and lifestyle change).  It was so violent, I was doing drive-thru for lunch, and then dinner, and then STILL not satisfied after, I'd end up eating again....

I was consuming THOUSANDS of calories worth of food (and I knew it, I just didn't want to admit to any of it) and had ZERO nutrition, my body was literally screaming at me that I was killing it with fat and sugar.

All the signals were there - I was moody as hell, had terrible acne, my weight ballooned well over 30kilos in just a year (give or take, I don't really have record of that, I was in so much denial... that was when I was already around 150kgs mind you - that's what I "thought" I was still hovering around, til I bought scales weighing high enough to tell me it was closer to 200.... )....  and I was broke.  ALWAYS broke.

It was literally nothing for me to go and order a full feed of Chinese food (multi-containers worth) for dinner and sit there and eat the lot of that, then go through Maccas for a McFlurry or sundae for 'dessert' just because I was too lazy to actually cook a meal for myself.  That was supposedly my "healthier" option too - after all, Chinese stir-frys are good aren't they?!!  PFFT! 

Dinners usually consisted of multiple trips through any of the four major fast food outlets that did cheap, nasty drive-thru  (KFC, Maccas, Hungry Jacks and Red Rooster) - ALWAYS upsized, always multiple meals... and occasionally there was multiple pizzas thrown into the mix too (if I could wait that long for them to cook....). 

Lunchtimes weren't as ferocious - I mean, I had to go back to the office, and reeking of fatty oils and feeling the lethargy that comes with the 'down' after your hit....  wasn't exactly great for my work performance. I always felt gross after eating this, but was in so much denial, I literally couldn't see it - I really WAS an addict.  I would hide in my car and eat my junk, then go back to work and pretend it didn't happen. End up in the bathroom checking there weren't sesame seeds stuck to my chin or chocolate sauce on the edges of my mouth - like a junkie hiding the track marks up their arms.... THAT was how vile it had become.

SO let's see just what kind of damage I was up against....

LUNCH menu:  KFC twister or Zinger Burger, upsized chips and can of softdrink (usually Mountain Dew or Sprite)...  If I was having a "hungry day" I'd go for their box deals (you know, the ones with the burger, couple pieces of chicken, drink and chips)...  and then there was the addition of potato and gravy, cuz I liked that with their chippies.   OHHH and not to mention something like Popcorn chicken, while I was at it.  OK.  Damage?  Let's add it up...   (according to the 'nutritional info' from the website)...

Twister -  2446kj / 585cals  - 10.2gms sat fat - 4.1gms sugar - 1200mg sodium
Chips (large) - 2403 kj / 574cals - 12.9gms sat fat - 1.0gms sugar - 642mg sodium
Potato & Gravy - 329kg / 80cals - 3.2gms sat fat - 0.1gms sugar - 394mg sodium
Sprite 375ml - 440kj / 158cals - 0gms sat fat - 25.3gms sugar - 28.5mg sodium

TOTALS:  5618kjs / 1341cals 
29.5grams of saturated fat  - 30.5grams sugar - 2264.5mgs sodium

That one 'modest' meal is virtually an entire day's worth of food for me 'nowadays'.... riddled with saturated fat and sugar (which are equally as bad as one another), and the sodium levels are THROUGH THE ROOF.

.... and that's not even adding in all the other things on top when I just didn't care.  Nor does it take into account my dinner meals (which were WAY worse than that, add in sundaes, cookies, burger meal deals, even more soft drink....) ... nor does it acknowledge any of the OTHER snacks or drinks I'd have consumed over the course of the day.

At this point, I'm actually too scared (and revolted) to calculate the rest up.   I KNEW in my heart of hearts that the calories in these meals were horrendous, but THAT doesn't even come close to what I was actually consuming bulk of the time.  That's just the 'small' meal version....

If you're feeling rather queasy and disgusted right now, you should be.  I am too...   THIS is what I was doing to my body on a daily basis - the amount of junk I was pushing into my system, the sodium and chemicals, the hideous amount of fat...  it's no wonder I was a walking time-bomb, no wonder I was nearly 200kilos, no wonder I was as round as I was tall (and I AM tall).... and no wonder I had no will left to live.


It's not just the food consumption at play here.... what this did to my MINDSET is nothing short of brutal. Severe mood swings and the constant battles of lethargy....  hating EVERYTHING, it would literally feel like my skin was crawling sometimes (how does THAT not resemble a drug addict?!!!!) and I'd be twitching waiting for the next 'hit'.... and I was NEVER satisfied.

Again, I WISH I was kidding...   I'm absolutely gutted at the thought of what I did to myself - it was self-inflicted abuse - I was literally killing myself on purpose.  There's noone to blame but myself.

I bought the food.  I ate it.  End of story.  All the lumps, bumps, scars, mental torture, left over body issues I have now... that's all my own doing.  I'd love to point the finger and say it's the companies that riddle their food full of sugars and 'addictive' substances, but honestly, there's supermarkets up the road from these outlets, and I opted for the lazy-man's way of eating.  End of argument.

Literally minutes up the road from my house I have no less than 8 fast food outlets.  KFC is just around the corner - so close that I can smell it cooking when the wind wafts it over a few back fences....   Maccas, Hungry Jacks, Eagle Boys, Red Rooster and Dominos are all within the same two blocks on opposing sides of the street...  There's four Chinese food shops within a few blocks of that, two takeaway 'fish & chips' shops, and a couple of pubs and bakeries.  These are ALL within a 5 minute radius of my house.   Any wonder then that a single girl living on her own would adopt the mentality that "it's too much trouble cooking for myself, I'll just grab takeaway?!".

HMMMMMM......  again, noone to blame but myself.


SO, when did this all change.  Day one, 183 weeks ago.  IT HAD TO GO.  I didn't know it was an addiction at the time - I couldn't recognise it.  All I know is that I could eat myself into a grease-coma and STILL want more.  I KNEW that wasn't right....   I knew that eating that sort of food was contributing to my weight issues AND my mental instability, and I knew I had to 'detox' just for a little bit if I was going to have any chance at all of working on the weight problems.

This also coincides with the start of THE biggest mission of my life mind you - trying to crack your entire weight problem and turn your entire life around (from wanting dead to trying to find reason to live).... and knowing full well you were bound to fail.  (yep, I assumed failure before I even began).

.... and yet here I am.  I made NO promises to drop the fast food permanently - all I wanted to do was try and minimise the damage in the first couple of weeks....  It was a futile effort, or so I thought, because I was fighting tooth and nail EVERY FREAKING DAY with the cravings, the mood swings, the withdrawals, the horrible stomach pains, the headaches, the tears....   Then an ad would come on TV for it, and I'd cry, because I felt deprived, and irritable and I just wanted to eat those things without feeling this horrendous revolting GUILT that I ALWAYS had eating that crap.

.... and then the smells would waft over my back fence.... and my skin would crawl, I'd nearly drool on myself, my mind would start playing nasty tricks on me and I'd be back to wallowing in my own pain again.  I mean, seriously, who cries over chips?!   ... but I did... hours and hours of crying over junk food, spilling my agony and trying to get this hideous disease out of my system.

If that's not ADDICTION then I don't know what is.   For a girl that's been through (undiagnosed) depression, self-harm and self-inflicted mental torture.... this was just as tormenting as anything else I'd been through or done to myself.  I just didn't ever understand just what it was that I was overcoming, at the time... 


... and so a week or two turned into a few more.  I was making headway with my losses and starting to FEEL better. The side-effects were starting to wear off, and my body was responding to FOOD!   Granted, back in the beginning, my eating habits weren't anywhere near as clean or structured as they are these days (that's taken three years of re-training ofcourse) - and I was still eating a lot of processed foods, and pre-packed frozen meals (etc etc) as I was struggling to come to terms with changing this massive problem. I always had it in my mind that if I really wanted something, I could have it - no limitations - but something in me just clicked and I couldn't bring myself to venture down the fast food driveway again. It had been one of the most damaging foods, and I didn't want it to come back while i was desperately trying to dig my way out of the mess I was in.

.... and it's amazing what happens when you really put your foot down.  A few months rolled by, and I realised I'd had a bit of a 'win' with my fast food addiction.... and here I am celebrating 3.5 years "clean", and it's nothing for me to drive past now and not give it a second thought.  I can go into Maccas now and order a water and sit with my friends who order their coffee and cake, and I'm very ok with that!  (I know, I've tried it a couple times to test myself...).

I've never truly deprived myself... not really (I simply wouldn't have lasted this long otherwise).  I started making my homemade alternatives, so I could still have my 'yummies' but without the hideous guilt - moderated ofcourse!  Egg "mcmuffins", home made hamburgers, pita pizzas, stirfrys and boiled rice... I even had my 'chicken fix' sorted there for a while with lots of ground pepper on pan-fried chicken thighs (it was as close to that KFC taste as I could find and I was fine with that!!)...   The ONLY 'fast food' I even consider these days is the occasional Subway, and I just don't rank it in the same realm as the others... and besides, I still make better salad rolls at home myself, so it's rare at the best of times!


When I was contemplating writing about this, as I said before, I was tempted to go and buy all the things I USED to order, then bring them back here and blend them all up together.... because at the end of the day, that junky slosh is what I used to filter through my body (til it was clogging my pores trying to get back out, yuck!) and I wanted to remember that.  BUT I actually don't need to...  I'm so far removed from the addiction that this fast food had over me, I literally see no point... 

I was asked one time by a friend just how I overcame my 'fast food addiction'.... and I wish I had more solid answers than just this confession post.  There's no "miracle cure" for anything, not really.  If you want change, you have to BE THE CHANGE (it's my motto after all!).... and I never EVER anticipated this to go on for as long as it has.  All I wanted was a few weeks OFF the grease!!!

.... but like any addiction, there comes a point when you have to stop questioning whether you're going to stuff it up, and actually stand up and be proud of yourself.  That's me today!  I'm giving myself a GOLD STAR and happily announcing that I've been 183 weeks (3.5 years) FAST FOOD FREE, and will keep going for as long as I "don't feel like it"!!!!

It's one of my biggest achievements to date - has literally changed the course of my eating, and in turn, changed my body, and as such, changed my life...  and it was never intentional!  There's NOTHING small in that, it's a whole wad of healthy UPSIZING right there! 

Here's to many more 'unplanned victories' in the future!  If they feel as good as this one, then BRING THEM ON!!!   It just makes the lifestyle change that I'd set out to achieve worth so much more than I could ever have imagined....  Gotta love that!!

:)

So what if you're NOT an exercise machine...

Now, if you ARE an exercise machine, killing serious cals in your workouts, do about a gazillion gym sessions each week, running out your door and bragging about your multiple-workouts in a row - this one's NOT for you!  You're fine... you don't need me!

Nope, I'm talking to the person whose hiding out in their loungeroom with serious 'exercise envy' because they simply don't know where to start, or are talking themselves out of even trying because they "can't match it with the others".

... and I'll tell you why.

The last two weeks I've copped a serious dose of REALITY.  If you've been following my story the past few months, you'll know that my little world turned itself upside down with the introduction of the Commando Challenge.  EVERYTHING went into overdrive - eating, exercising, blogging, publicity...   turned into a bit of a "monster" on all fronts, so obsessed with that wretched goal that I feared eating, was working my body into the ground, and regretfully... I had a physical and emotional breakdown because of it.  I hit a brick wall with a whopping great thud because I turned my nose up at reality.

.... and it's taken its toll since.  Not only has my body battled pulling ANY numbers since, but I lost the plot - literally - and went into self-sabotage binge-mode eating, emotional breakdowns, enormous self-doubt, and I'm really loathe to say it, but the "black" started to seep back into my psyche.  Then the onslaught of Bathurst's fantastic winter weather hit, and my knees packed it in, mobility became an issue and the 'hibernation munchies' took over...

Tomorrow I lose my gym membership (which was sponsored for three-months for the course of the Challenge) and shattered at the prospect of losing that outlet, promised myself I'd take advantage of my final week.... and you know what, I haven't even walked in there once this week.  I'm just too gutted because I can't financially afford to pay to renew it.   Needless to say, some part of me threw my hands up in the air and said "why bother?!!!" - and I've been fighting it since, somewhat pathetically.


I've been sitting here this week working on strategies to get myself out of this horrible funk, self-analysing what's going on and why I'm so upset, and wondering "what the hell I did BEFORE all this stuff" - publicity, gym, competitiveness - when I used to do this in secret and without a gym - that was working so well, before I turned into the ignorant, arrogant, number-obsessed junkie that I've turned into!

I sit here and read other people 'bragging' about their results, successes, wins and big calorie-smashing exercise sessions, and the lump in my throat is enough to suffocate me.  I'm seriously shattered.  There WAS a time when it was ME sitting here doing the bragging (which in all fairness, before someone takes offense, it's NOT bragging really - it's often someone surprising themselves with something they never did before, so are so excited they just want to share with everyone else!  ... well, that was ME anyway... am sure there's others out there who ARE literally bragging!!!)...   I read this, I congratulate, I fly the happy flag for them...  but I'm hurting.  A lot.

The last few weeks I've been loathe to exercise at all - my mobility is very much hindered with my knees out of action, and it breaks my heart.  My eating-binges have me up and down a few kilos on the scales, and I feel bloated and icky because of it - and just want to hide away in a moo-moo cuz my self-perception is so distorted, I'm back to feeling the way I did three years ago at my heaviest!  I want to hide, I don't want people stopping to stare at my lumpy body, trying to move when I can't...   and I can't even begin to explain how disappointed and upsetting it is to see so few calories burnt when I DO exercise (distorted perception again, because my fitness became so strong, I have to keep working more and more to see the same levels of calories burnt = superior fitness. So going back to 'realistic' routines and smaller burns, I'm so distorted, that I'm severely disappointed..)

It was only a few weeks ago I was doing double classes a day at the gym, or a good solid 2+ hours nearly 6 days a week.  I was kicking BUTT - like a freaking "professional exerciser" - but let's face it, I was so wrapped up in that constant WIN, I was living off adrenalin and so brutally obsessed with my results, I was completely ignorant to the fact I was hurting myself (literally) - and stuffed my body entirely because of it.  I minced my knees, exhausted all the reserves, and my body started retaliating with weird side effects (ones I didn't tell anyone about when they were happening).   NOT realistic, NOT normal... ignorant, arrogant, brutal and quite frankly.... STUPID.

I lost the love of exercise - which broke my heart - because for a girl who could barely move 'before', it's that liberation that I'd fallen in love with... The more freedom I found, the more I loved it.   ... and now, I'm stuck in a zone where I degrade doing something simple (because it's "not enough"), I question why I bother if it's not big or brutal enough, fob-off the basics and opt for hiding instead, because my head-space is so out of whack!

My breakdown the other day was necessary - they always are - it's the trigger-point where I come to cross-roads about what I'm doing versus what I SHOULD be doing.   I sat here and cried, because I miss the girl who was happy to plod along with her weightloss - who rejoiced in losing half a kilo a week cuz she worked to pull that and it IS enough...  who rejoiced in going for a half-hour (!!) walk and didn't care so much that it wasn't burning "over a thousand calories", the girl who ate realistically and was humbled by finding new things about herself and her body all the time that she didn't know she could do...  who didn't feel compelled to hit goals (or hurt herself for them) for a 'deadline' or let someone else's expectations rule her actions! 

I miss her...   SHE was real. 


Yesterday I forced myself to walk to the post office, bank, shop and home.  It wasn't a big walk by any means - in fact, it was nothing in comparison to what I've been known to do...  but it was MY achievement.   My head was telling me to drive, "stay warm Amy, your knees are bad, don't do it... Don't want to be seen in my tracky pants strutting down the main street... You can just hide and do the cross trainer in the loungeroom (which I probably wouldn't have - even THAT strategy isn't necessarily working!)...  It'll take too long to walk there and back - you should be doing client work instead."    BULL.   It took about 40 mins, INCLUDING the stint in the shop... and it made me feel GOOD. 

Simple walk.  Didn't wear my heart rate monitor - because I didn't WANT to know...

SO WHAT if my heart rate didn't reach some ridiculous point that my temples wanted to explode... 
SO WHAT if it didn't even register a solid hour's walk
SO WHAT if someone sees you in tracky pants
SO WHAT .... ?!   What what what what?!!  

I came home really humbled, and really relieved.  I smiled as I unpacked my groceries and made my delicious lunch with the goodies I'd found marked down, that I'd have missed otherwise.  It empowered me enough to strap on my shoes last night and go to my Zumba class (the one I ADORE but have been avoiding too cuz "it doesnt burnt enough cals"... OMG I cry for that... ) and it gave me the spark today to go and have lunch with my friend and LEAVE MY FREAKING HOUSE and be social, when my head is in "hermit mode".

.... and just as we were sitting there having lunch outside today, the sunshine broke out from behind the dark clouds, and I said to Dan, "I'm going to go for a walk! I NEED to walk!"...

.... and I did!

Came home, geared up and walked out the door. I walked for 55 minutes - out to Kelso and back (roughly 5kms).  It was the track I was ECSTATIC to walk not that many months ago, when I'd built up enough stamina and endurance to handle such a long distance.  It was the one I'd fobbed off since, because "it wasn't enough!"  (ouch...)

As I was coming down the back straight on the way home, it hit me....   I was doing what I loved - I'd literally zoned out - had stopped telling myself this was wasting my time, wasn't good enough, my heart rate wasn't peaked enough, I wasn't working hard enough...  BULLSHIT.   My knees were handling it ok, I could feel it in my thighs, I wasn't huffing and puffing (fitness is awesome, but basic movement is bliss) and I felt GOOD.

SO WHAT if I'm not a freaking professional exerciser?!   I stopped loving it when I went obsessive...
SO WHAT if I can't do what I did just a couple of months ago?   That person killed her body because she turned ignorant and pushed herself into dangerous territory...
SO WHAT if I can't match numbers with people 20-30kgs lighter than me.  They weren't nearly 200kgs to start with, and learning how to walk again from scratch!

SO WHAT if you have to start again Amy.... 


I thought of YOU GUYS when I was walking today. The people who are stuck in their loungerooms, broken hearted, hurt, with serious 'exercise envy', wondering how the hell to get up and take that first step...    It wasn't that long ago that I was there with you.   I was the girl who could barely move, was so ashamed it took a good couple of years before I was brave enough to exercise in public...   I was the girl who cried the first time she went outside for a walk, from shame.... then cried the day she pushed a jog into the mix, from pure joy!

Sitting here writing this with tears streaming down my face (again!) - literally with my training gear still on, having walked back through the door and sat down to write this...  I needed to talk to you guys....

I was so relieved and happy to reconnect with the girl who loves to walk, not for anyone else, but because she CAN....   She and I have a lot of 're-bonding' to do again, she's the heart and soul of this whole operation, and she's a little bruised from the abuse she's copped the last couple of months... but  we're gonna be ok, she's pretty forgiving...   But she had a message for you...



I LOVE exercise because it empowers ME, it makes ME feel good. It humbles me because I gave myself a second chance to move, it recharges me and fills me with pride that I CHOSE to do this for the sole purpose of benefitting ME. It works hand in hand with my proactive lifestyle choices, healthy eating and working on the psyche...  everything works together when it's balanced, heartfelt and REAL.


SO WHAT if we're not all insane, maniac-style gym-junkies and professional sweaters?!!    It's not about them, it's about YOU.  Every choice makes a difference. Every step is worthwhile.


SO WHAT I'm doing now... is empowering YOU to get up and make that stand.  Next time you'd prefer to hide away, just don't.  Walk out that door with me in your head - just as I had you with me today.  You only need to take that first step...  the rest is just magic!

Be proud, and just get up and DO.  The smallest things can mean the most!

xx

Two arms and a truckload of baggage

Baggage.  Specifically, “How do you get rid of your excess baggage?" - that was the question I posed to my challenge participants this week.

After suffering a few bristly weeks myself, I thought it would be a good challenge to throw to the masses – something to make them think;  have them assess / reassess and acknowledge a few of the crazy blockages that hit us in this wonderful world of weightloss…

But I knew it wasn’t without a few bumps along the way!   This question was much harder to answer than I anticipated.

Checking in your baggage can be a bit of a rough, bitter-sweet challenge all on its own...  and that's before you even get into the nitty gritty of breaking it down and doing something about it!

Just like the plethora of suitcases available out on the market these days, our baggage comes in all shapes and sizes, all makes and models, and all methods of madness!!   There's no "one size fits all" in this manic side-effect of life, and no one answer to cater for them. 

SO, this is the part where I'm going to tell you that I'm not here to give you lectures, answers, nor pretend that MY methods are the be-all, end-all... they're not!  Nor is my experience with carrying and dispensing of baggage an isolated case (no pun intended, haha) - it's not. I'm just here to tell it like it is - none of this mamby-pamby 'weightloss is wonderful and you'll be forever happy' nonsense - it simply doesn't work that way! 

If things were easy and we didn't need to work on them, then they'd hold little to no value. We value health and happiness - and for that, we must work for it!    Wow, now if only it were THAT simple!!!! 

Nope, with weight issues come A LOT of baggage. Self-esteem and confidence issues, body misconceptions, stereotypes, ill-informed opinions and remarks, nastiness and derogatory statements, unhealthy habits, self-sabotage, negativity in all sorts of forms....  I could go on, but I won't. 

We ALL have issues here - and we're all dealt, and deal, with them differently.  Again, there's no 'one baggage size fits all'. 

Now, I don't know about you, but I only have two arms...  Granted, I've got some seriously awesome shoulders that have been holding up a world of hurt, decades of negativity, and a whole world of self-hatred for the better part of half my life - and hey, they're looking pretty sexy these days with all the weightloss (hahaha)....  but I STILL only have two hands!   There's only so much baggage a girl can carry... 

So what do you do when you get to the point when you simply can't carry more?  What do you do with the stuff that's still dragging behind you, and seriously slowing you down?

I'm no expert here (nor do I proclaim I am) but if you're anything like me, you're a bit of a hoarder. The cupboards are full, there's stuff under the bed, there's things still sitting in bags to give away (but you still haven't managed to take them away yet, 'just incase') and you're still out 'collecting' more. 

So here I am, at the ripe old age of 32, with more sets of luggage on me than even the most seasoned traveler.... and not even one stamp in the passport!!! 

.... and then it hits.  Just when you think you're traveling along fine, you're doing 'ok' lugging all that around with you, something gives - you pull a grief muscle - strain an emotional heart-string - and suddenly it's not so 'fun' anymore being someone who collects all this crap along the way! 

Yup, suddenly you're stuck in the collection depot with a one-way ticket to Breakdown, and not a bloody trolley to help you lug all this with you in sight.   Great. 

.... that's where I found myself the last few weeks.  After a whirlwind of 'new' added to my very huge collection of baggage over the years, it was only a matter of time before I hit the wall, and did myself a 'lugging injury'.  There literally is only so much a girl can carry.... 

Without going into the finer details of who, what, where, when, why (because that's for ME to sit down and sort through) - the process of 'dealing' was brought into the spotlight. Yes, there's a way and means to deal with THE baggage itself, but there's also necessary methods to bring yourself out of the funk that drives you there first, so then you CAN deal with it.  

... and again, no, not all methods are created equal.  What works for one does not necessarily work for another.  What one persons heralds as 'the ultimate answer' doesn't always resonate with somebody else.  We all have our burdens to bear, and we all deal with them in our own ways... 

I'm not about to counsel you here on how to deal with the finer emotional workings of your mind and heart (that's something YOU need to work through - just as *I* need to work through mine)... No, I'm just going to tell you how I bring a little sunshine back into my day, when I feel like all the dark clouds are taking over, and I want to take a hammer to the baggage...!!! 

These are some of MY methods to release the emotions of being weighed down with weightloss and life 'baggage' - and help ease the discomfort and pain.  No, I don't proclaim that they fix the actual problem (that all comes in due course) but they help me get up and keep moving.  These are just methods to ease, NOT cure...

.... and THAT is what you all want to know when I get asked "Amy, just how is it you've done this for so long and not folded?!"....   THIS is why I can do what I do, and continue to keep doing until I don't need to do any more!!   (... and let's face it, this won't ever truly end - this is my new life!)

MUSIC: one of the ultimate weapons in the force against my misery!  I LOVE music. Loud, upbeat, sing-your-guts-out music.  Don't care what genre or artist - if I like it (and I generally do - I'm very eclectic) then I'll listen to it.   If I'm in a really bad way, then I'm sorry neighbours, but we're going even louder, even more upbeat and yes, there WILL BE SINGING.  I'll belt out my melancholy dramatic tunes for a while, release the pain, get my feelings off my chest, sing my agony away....  and when I'm done with the pity-party, it's time to get my HAPPY on...  and that's generally followed by some seriously awesome loungeroom dancing!!  

It heals me.  It changes my focus, it resonates with my soul, and brings a light back into my heart. It doesn't cost anything (aside from purchasing off Itunes!) and you can do that anywhere. You're free to listen to whatever you choose, any old time!  ;) 

MOVIES: I LOVE a good movie - and have been known to just watch them one after the other... if it means I can 'escape' for a while and let myself breathe.  I'm a sucker for a good flick - and bulk of them I'm happy to sit here on my own and devour!   BUT, just as it was on Friday afternoon when I walked into the DVD store...  I needed 'out' - something light and easy!  Nothing dark or depressing (cuz I'm already there).  Skip the romance (there's none in this life, don't need it rubbed in some more).  Avoid things that make you think too much (cuz my brain is overloaded and melancholy enough thank you)...  KIDS MOVIES!!  hahaha....  Yes, they're my 'choice' when I need out.  

I LOVE the heart behind a kid's flick - and I walked out on Friday night with the new Tangled movie (which I loved incidentally) and sat down and watched that with my homemade pizza and sweet potato wedges (that was my way of being rebellious and eating 'takeaway'.... yup, even rebelling against myself, I STILL ate relatively healthy!!!!).   It put a smile on my face, made me laugh, had me awwwwwing in all the right places, and hey, who doesn't love a fairytale right?!!  (yeah yeah, I know...  "get a dose of reality Amy"... PFFT - bugger off!!!  My life has NEVER resembled reality - I'm still waiting for the fairytale to kick in... let a girl live with HOPE!). 

... and as a side note, my jaw dropped when one of the first songs in the movie went a little something like this...  "When will my life begin?"    Yes seriously...  how did they know?!! 

EXERCISE: yeah, don't roll your eyes!!!  As much as we associate exercise as 'work', it's that "after effect" that I'm in love with here. If you feel like crap, exercise - it'll release the happy-hormones, and the feeling of overcoming your emotions, stepping back up in CONTROL and accomplishing what you weren't even willing to bother trying with is a spot-on way of getting the monkey off your back.  

If you can't win, then beat the bloody thing into submission...  Get sweaty!!!   Boxing: beat the living shit out of your demons!  Running: sweat the pig out of your system!  Pump: build your muscles, get strong and tell those bastards to bugger the hell off!    Yup, exercise makes you feisty - and being feisty is empowering. Empowerment is motivating, and motivation gets you results.  You want results, you work for them - get up off your bum and FIGHT! 

CLEAN & ORGANISE: because there's nothing worse than when your mind and heart are scattered, bruised and confused to walk into your home and be bombarded with clutter, mess or 'ick' that just makes you feel worse!   Clear up and clean up - a little bit of structure can really help give you back that sense of 'control' - and that makes dealing with your other bits and pieces a little less hectic.  If that means crying over your overflowing pile of dishes in the sink (like someone over here has been known to do) then DO IT.  OR double-whammy it - loud music AND vacuuming is terribly cathartic!!!  Don't knock it til you try it!  ;) 

Same goes for your work schedules and duties.  Wall charts, diaries and menu plans - know where you're going and you have a hell of a lot more incentive to actually DO THEM and get the results you want.  Even if that means just getting through your very basic list, then so be it - if that's what it takes to start generating more results, then why are you waiting?!

GOAL LIST: this one's a little harder sometimes - particularly if you're struggling to see over the top of your baggage pile...  

Goals are FABULOUS for structure and a 'road map' - but can be very overwhelming and sometimes downright upsetting when you feel like they're slipping further and further away.  I sometimes feel like they're the "X marks the spot" on my pirate map, and just like on the cartoons, the little dotted line that's trying to find that X seems to be going the long way, round in circles, and stopping off at all manner of destinations when that wretched X is still sitting in plain view to the audience!!

But that goals list doesn't HAVE to be big and commandeering. How about breaking it down into sub-goals, mini-mini-goals, or let's face it...  There's a lot to be said about the practical old 'to do' list.  Mine is a big lined lecture notepad where my client jobs, general duties, 'chores' and all manner of things I need to achieve get jotted down.   And because I'm me, they get highlighted off in pink (naturally!) when they're complete. There's a real sense of accomplishment when I can cross an entire page off, full of pink lines, knowing full well I've met other people's expectations, finished MY odd-jobs and I'm already onto a new page following...  

I also schedule my exercise sessions, pre-plan my menus and meals with a scheduled shopping day... and everything else is "on the fly" - based around the fact that I DO have to facilitate time for ME in the mix.  Not always easy, and I know I've struggled a lot with these aspects lately having thrown my entire routine out the window for the benefit of others...  but this was a huge priority MUST DO when I stamped my foot down last week, and said I want my control back.  This is ME controlling MY LIFE.  The outcomes are dependent on me putting in the effort to achieve them.

REWARDS: just as with the goals list, there's no point in having a list of to-do's if you're not willing to reward yourself along the way.  Don't care whether it's because you lose some weight that week, whether you stick to your menu plan 90% that week, whether you did the load of washing that's been sitting in the bathroom for the past fortnight... don't care!  You DO deserve to be rewarded for every positive action you pitch and then deliver in your life.

I'm not saying that means you get to go out and shower yourself in all things shiny (though that's appealing, save it for the big ones!)....  but little rewards and acknowledgements go a really long way.  I've taken to buying little implements for my kitchen - now that I've discovered how much I love to cook and how awesome it is to try new things!  My $2 measuring spoons were a marvel a few weeks ago, and the new $3 grater I bought myself today was because I did my exercise last night, even though I wanted to sit on my couch and throw a tantrum instead... that was my WIN and I deserved to be rewarded for breaking through the negative.  

Needless to say, over the course of the last 3.5 years, I've collected all manner of 'rewards' and tools that help me continue on this insane mission I'm on - none of them have been unwarranted. Some are bigger and more expensive than others, and some were for no other reason than to keep me geared up for the bigger picture ahead...    A little present to yourself goes a long way!

SHOPPING: ... which leads me right into this one!  Not everyone's "cup of tea" or way of releasing baggage, but quite frankly, I find shopping one of my positive tools!   Why?   Because I USED to hate it - despairingly, begrudgingly, blatantly...  I HATED shopping with such a vengeance...   The fact that I am NOT that negatively-geared irked person in a shopping centre now is reward enough!   I shop, because I'm no longer hindered by it...    

It has a dual-purpose for me though.  It MAKES me get out of my house, into a social environment, out of my 'hiding zone' and amongst people.   One of my biggest issues when I'm in a negatively-geared headspace is my ability to switch off the rest of the world and go into hiding (easy to do when you live and work on your own - and have a decade of being a superior hermit already secured in your history).  

This forces me to walk out my door, interact with people (if necessary - granted, you can be equally as lonely in a crowded room...) but it makes me MOVE.  I may feel like hell, but it makes me part of the world.  Whether I like it or not  (and without being too melodramatic....  I'd have preferred NOT) - it forces me out of my funk, switches on the 'happy face' for the benefit of others, and I HAVE to be elsewhere...    It's become one of my assets in the fight against stifling baggage... 

SUPPORT NETWORKS & 'TALK IT OUTS':  not one of my strongest points, and I'll explain why shortly, after all, you'd THINK I'd have this one pegged!

I have a whole network of amazing individuals (forums and social sites alike) that I'm aligned with, who all have similar goals and nuisances with their weightloss.  Their familiarity with my struggles and understanding has - without doubt - had some of the biggest impact on me coming this far on my own in the past few years. Having like-minded individuals prop you up when you're down; when you're faulting everything you do; can't see the light for the big pair of blacked-out goggles on your face; a kind word and a great ear...  these have made a profound impact on me in the last few years.  

I simply didn't realise people existed out there who could understand me the way they do. In fact, I spent over a decade living in the shadow of despair, thinking I literally was alone, and told NOONE of just how hard and bad things were...  THAT is some of the baggage I still carry, still weighs me down - that feeling of isolation has never truly gone away.  I struggle trusting people with my 'issues' - and as such, keep bulk of it hidden well and truly under my belt. Weightloss was one of the foremost issues amongst that 'batch', and the one that I've since been able to take control of...

As you guys know, for three years I went into weightloss mode in dead secret - it was only the online forums that knew what was going on, and that was because they didn't have to see me on a face-to-face basis.  I didn't trust anyone enough to tell them what I was trying to do - nor did I trust myself to accomplish this insane task I'd set out to achieve.  In my mind, failure was the only outcome and I wasn't prepared for yet another public humiliation...  

So you can imagine my surprise when I started opening up to these online strangers.  My history with internet people is rocky at best (I've been burnt before) and my lack of social skills "in real life" leaves a lot to be desired.  Finding connections with people through the internet has been a godsend for me - bouncing ideas, inspirations, successes, triumphs, heartbreaks, frustrations... and friendship  - THEY have been some of my saving graces.   ... and I don't say that lightly. 

I have formed some of THE most amazing true friendships from people hidden behind a computer screen.  These people, I'd do anything for... and it's returned.  I have a massive network of 'Amy supporters' at my disposal now too - who far outweigh the few blips that I've encountered along the way (note: the previous blog post!!!).  The HUGE support from you guys has been mind-blowing, and it shocks me just what an impact that has on ME on a daily basis.  I am truly humbled by that - and it strengthens and allows me to stand up and stay true to what I'm trying to do here, when I'd prefer to run away and hide...  

Having the capacity to talk through your issues with people who truly care is one of THE most amazing feelings in the world - particularly for a girl who simply couldn't voice any of them for the better part of half her life.  It's not always possible for someone to seek impartial help (counsellor, psych, etc) - whilst they ARE there for a reason, sometimes you need something more - that element of true, pure friendship and genuine care - that a "professional" simply can't deliver.   Sometimes it's a simple hug from a trusted friend that completely out-plays a session on a couch with a stranger...

Now, don't get me wrong here.  Professional counselling has its place - and as I've been reminded (a lot) lately, it's an avenue to actually help FIX the baggage and facilitate change where it's necessary.... and I'm all thumbs up and 'let's give it a try' if that's what you're ready to do (in fact, I encourage it). 

But I'm not talking about FIXING the actual root problems here (that's a WHOLE other story) - I'm just talking about methods to dispense the emotional pull of the baggage... "lightening the load" in the interim so you can get up off your butt and get through your day!     Counseling and professional sit-downs aren't everyone's cup of tea, and let's face it, if you're SO excruciatingly baggaged down that you're incapable of moving into that zone... then you're kinda stuffed.  

... and me being the kind of girl I am (and not in a zone ready to tackle the 'professional' stranger talks yet)... that genuine, caring support network is literally like my lifeline.   There's more worth in those words online from people who truly understand than you guys can ever imagine - I value it greatly, and attribute my success (in part) to having someone let me 'talk it out' with them, when ordinarily I simply would not. 


RE-ESTABLISHING SELF-WORTH: as one of the biggest methods for throwing off the negatives, it's one of the MUST DO's when I'm feeling extremely down on myself. With all the self-doubt and negative self-talk, it's a MUST for me to break that cycle - and it's not enough just to think it.

I literally get up off my bum, do my hair and makeup (even more important if I have nowhere to go) and present the version of me TO MYSELF that I want to see, and believe I can be. It might sound silly to some, but a new hair colour, doing my nails, doing my makeup and sitting here in good clothes can actually be a huge catalyst for breaking the downward spiral.  I don't NEED to show anyone else - it's ME who needs to feel and see it.

I've lost count of how many times this one has worked - and after the few weeks of negatives I've had lately, the hair colour is sitting here on my table, my nails are bare ready for the new polish, and I'll be sitting here in a face mask shortly...  because I'm worth a hell of a lot more than toxic self-inflicted voices telling me I don't deserve to feel beautiful.  This is me telling ME I'm worth the time and effort....   

TALK IS CHEAP: and words and empty promises won't actually help you. Don't just tell yourself what you'd "like to do", cut the excuses and just bloody DO IT!  

(That's the one that comes out after I've had a good cry, had a shower and washed it away, replenished with a chug of fresh water and had enough of the pity party!!!  Sometimes you've just got to get a little brutal and quit the wallowing...) 

So there you have it guys. These are just a few of "Amy's Baggage Methods" that I've found work to ease the load when it's all getting a little too heavy. We ALL have issues and hurts - and for the most part, we carry them pretty well!    .. it's just sometimes it all gets too much, and you need to have the tools that work for you "ready and waiting" so you can kick back into gear. 

I'm no different to anyone else.  Just because I've been at this weightloss thing for the long-term and kicked some kilos along the way, didn't mean I left all my excruciatingly heavy bags somewhere along the way!   Far from it actually. 

I'm still very fragile (as I've discovered the past two weeks) and still suffering some serious past haunts (which I thought I'd put well and truly under lock and key in the storage facilities.... oops!)... and having thrown my entire life into a new chapter that I never foresaw, you can imagine how much new stuff got thrown into the mix!  I have new baggage now, that still have the freaking labels attached!!!     (... much like my wardrobe, hahaha)  - and that's all piled right on top of the old stuff!

I 'deal' as I need to deal - it is what it is.  I take full accountability for all the baggage I've checked in - I'm not about to leave half of it lying around waiting for someone else to pick it up or sort it out - that's for ME to do, and I WILL do it in good time...    I know what's there, I'm very much in tune with what it is and how it's ended up there - and when I'm ready, I'll start "bag and tagging it" and trying to figure out if I need it any more.  Some will stay, some of it won't ever go...  but that's ok.   You don't have a 'full life' without collecting some things along the way, right?   Not everything is "throw away" in this society - some of it has its place, whether we like it or not - and it's there for a reason...  if not only to remind you of where you've been and what you've gone through...  and make you appreciate the difference when you change things later.

I make NO APOLOGIES for my baggage, it makes me who I am.  So if I have a few extra bags to add to my collection along the way, so be it - it only serves to make me stronger.  I'll sort it when the time comes and make room for the next batch...  and if I play my cards right, eventually the bags will get smaller, and the LIFE EXPERIENCES I've taken from these will start overflowing my pockets instead...   that's the goal!